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Pekorin

In theory but not in reality ? And what is romance ?

4 posts in this topic

So I always felt like I wanted to experience romance and sexuality, and I thought I did get crushes.

 

But for the first time, I experienced a romantic relationship and I couldn't enjoy it ? The guy would hug me in a tender way or hold my hand and I'd stand there not understanding. The amount of emotions made me uneasy and stressed out too I had this claustrophobic feeling people have talked about here. This happened thrice.

 

I'm not afraid I just can't feel something that's not authentic to me and I just have too many things to do and people to appreciate ?

 

So I started looking back at my behavior, I don't actually care about the people ? I just see someone that might like me and think "Cool I wanna try being in a relationship too"

The only people I actually really felt attracted to I clearly stated that I did not want to go out with them I just admired them a lot (what you call squishies) and felt like I wouldn't mind staying in the same room as them for a while, I tend to spend most of my time alone because I'm very independent.

 

I always feel kind of disconnected to people I try to romance ? Like the feelings are vague I don't understand them, I tend to not look at them and don't picture them in any situation with me, I have a "crush" right now, I really don't get it, I don't want anything I just have a weird feeling when he's there because he's cute but... I can't picture anything with him ?

 

My fantasies have always been fictional people I created (and on rare occasions that existed) so that a fictional avatar of me (that I identify with but isn't made of meat, a fictional version of me) could have a very sexual kind of relationship with ? Like the whole thing is about sexual tension which in my mind identify as something very profound and transcending everything and it would stop when sex actually happens, it's the tension I love to feel. I also fantasize about humanoids more (like slenderman I know it might seem weird but he's just very practical to project) and most of the time the person is my soulmate because I need a reason to be with someone and not someone else ? I tend to have trouble feeling especially close to anyone and in friendship too.

 

But in my where people are not made of meat, where I can decide to just stop everything any second and have a really intense bond with someone whenever I want I'm fine, most of the time it's linked to sexual tension though, even though most of the time I don't see sex in an explicit way I prefer it implicit or just showing certain body parts at certain times.

 

I long for that intense connection and I often see it through sex but it also feels disappointing in reality and I wouldn't see myself with anyone so it's frustrating to want something in theory but apparently not in practice.

 

I would really like to know which labels I could identify with because I need it to feel that I have understood myself better, and how I could describe myself to people. I still wonder if I'll maybe find someone te be with even though I know I would not understand it and handle it.

 

But liking it in theory makes it weird for me in reality not to, I'd like to know if I really ever felt romantic attraction, knowing I also never felt sexual attraction even though I have a high libido. I just feel like I can love it in theory but not pull it off in reality. I hope but it doesn't work because I end up not wanting it.

 

Thank you a lot if you answer ! 

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Ello and welcome to AVEN! I'm bad at giving concrete answers so I guess I'll just try to explain what it was like for me... ish? I'm 23. 

 

22 minutes ago, Pekorin said:

But for the first time, I experienced a romantic relationship and I couldn't enjoy it ? The guy would hug me in a tender way or hold my hand and I'd stand there not understanding.

I've never been in a relationship but halfway through college I worked with a person who, before he made his interest in me known, I readily recognized him as someone who was good looking, hardworking, and intelligent even if lacking in formal classroom education. I think up until that point while I just assumed at one point later in the future I would get married and all that jazz, I don't think I really gave much thought to what having a romantic partner would be like? So when this pursuit began I had a similar feeling of not understanding what was happening, being extremely uncomfortable, and really wanting everything to stop as soon as it started. No touching of any kind even happened but I'd try to imagine it between me and him and it just felt unnatural. Even now whenever someone tells me they have a boyfriend I experience this split second of confusion like "why?" I'd have a similar emotional reaction if someone said "hey guess what I ran into a lamp post on purpose." 

 

31 minutes ago, Pekorin said:

I always feel kind of disconnected to people I try to romance ? Like the feelings are vague I don't understand them, I tend to not look at them and don't picture them in any situation with me, I have a "crush" right now, I really don't get it, I don't want anything I just have a weird feeling when he's there because he's cute but... I can't picture anything with him ?

For me I feel disconnected from the romance concept as a whole. It seems like something that other people do and like I'm not part of that world because it involves so many things I have a hard time inherently understanding or relating to. Sometimes I do try to picture myself in a relationship and like I said before it just feels unnatural in the way romance is usually displayed in my culture, anyway. If I do ever enter a relationship, it will look very different from even what most aces would want their own relationships to look like.

 

33 minutes ago, Pekorin said:

My fantasies have always been fictional people

I love fictional romance! It's great as long as I'm not involved personally but watching people grow to care for each other makes me reach for my popcorn. I love Korean TV shows in particular. 

 

34 minutes ago, Pekorin said:

I would really like to know which labels I could identify with because I need it to feel that I have understood myself better, and how I could describe myself to people. I still wonder if I'll maybe find someone te be with even though I know I would not understand it and handle it.

Really only you can label yourself. I know others who are virgins and who have never had a romantic partner before but know full well that they aren't aro or ace. When you say sexual tension I assume that means the feeling of excitement in general that you're not getting when you date in real life. If that's the case you might just be getting with the wrong people but there's really no way to know aside from... continuing to exist in the world.

 

That's the problem with anything aro ace related. You can't look into the future and know for sure you'll never feel certain things, you just know what you've felt up to the present moment and after a while might feel more inclined towards a certain way to describe yourself. I think in general it's better to set up and live your life in a way that feels right. For me that means maintaining good friendships but living a comparatively conservative lifestyle. 

 

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Thank you for your reply and your welcome !

 

I think if I had to simplify how I live my romantic and sexual orientations it would be "In theory but not in practice" 

I'll just say I'm aromantic so that I don't get myself in uncomfortable situations, then if something happens in the future I'll see. I act a lot like a lithromantic so it tends to be problematic and I'm tired of hurting and being hurt because I get close to people only to push them away. 

 

The thing is I also feel detached from what I might feel I've never been romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, someone just shows interest in me and then my brain gets pumped like "Try this one out" even though I don't love them, it's more of a feeling of excitement ? And then when I get to it it's like "Never mind my bad I thought I loved you" I always find myself not as if I was closing my eyes when I get into romance like "Just don't look and don't think" and then when we get to the actual thing and I have to open my eyes I back up because I can't feel romance, I could feel the weird excitement but not the romance ?

 

I genuinely don't understand romantic gestures and romantic talk everytime I see it I don't get it ? In fiction I can understand giddy admiration and everything sexual but not romance ? And certainly not with people like I've never understood people kissing ? I wanted to try it out but I couldn't because it looked disgusting when I got close to it because to kiss I'd have to kiss someone.

 

People feel weird uncomfortable restrictive and not authentic romantically.

 

I feel strange with these labels but I think what fits me the most is fictoromantic and fictosexual ? I act lithromantic because sometimes I try closing my eyes and getting what I imagine into the real world but it doesn't work because I can't feel it, closing my eyes doesn't work, I'll just say aromantic though because I don't want to lead people on anymore it ends up having disastrous consequences ? 

 

Orientation is so tough...

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I suppose I won't be much of help for you, romance is a mystery for me too. I am married but I have no idea if the love I feel is romantic. Most romantic popular culture things are jus a puzzle to me. Why would anyone enjoy that. I'm not in a hurry to define myself  but some things you wrote definitely resonate with me. Especially what you wrote about the tension and excitement. Sometimes that sort of tension between a fictional couple is very enjoyable for me but mostly even in fictional setting once the tension is relieved I lose interest. I do get excited about some people, mostly fictional characters, but even imagining anything romantic or sexual happening with them is just blah.

Makes me wonder how on earth did I end up marrying my husband... I do love him and he makes a good companion for me, but still... I took that excitement to be romantic and sexual love, and only later have learned that most people don't experience things quite in the way I do and that most people seem to enjoy quite different things than I do (or perhaps that is what it is and I'm wrong in my assumptions about other peoples' experiences). Most of the time that excitement is just annoying though because I end up with "That person/character is so interesting but I really don't want to do anything with them!" or perhaps I just would like to enjoy their company and admire them and not even say anything to them. And the interest is confusing too. what exactly is interesting about them? Usually for me it's some skill they have or a way they think.

 

Real life people are relevant in my ponderings because we're poly and I could have a relationship and my husband would be overjoyed if I did but I just don't feel like having one. He's not pushing me or anything but has made it clear that he would be happy for me. Only kind of relationship I could imagine having would be someone to snuggle with and talk about books but finding that person seems impossible. It's also possible that I'd lose interest as soon as I'd try to add a real human and not just an imaginary one...

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