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Lizzy_Bee

Can you be both Gray-A and Demisexual?

25 posts in this topic

Basically what the title says. I seem to identify with both. I don't develop a sexual attraction with someone until a bond is formed, and even then the urge for sex starts out strong, then tappers off, and is then sporadic to almost nonexistent.

I just want to know, can you identify as both, or does it have to be just one?

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Yep, the common term for that is gray-demisexual.

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Just now, Retrobot said:

Yep, the common term for that is gray-demisexual.

Cool. Good to know that now.

Thank you

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No problem, happy to help! ^_^

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38 minutes ago, Lizzy_Bee said:

and even then the urge for sex starts out strong, then tappers off, and is then sporadic to almost nonexistent.

I would have thought this part was more fray-sexual? As it starts out strong then lessens with time

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14 minutes ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I would have thought this part was more fray-sexual? As it starts out strong then lessens with time

Even though the urge is strong it's not always enough to act on it. There are also times where the sex is more for the person I'm with than for myself.

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I don't see a reason why one couldn't be both demi and gray. Actually I'm starting to lean that way myself! The way I see it is that there has to be a strong emotional bond in order for sexual attraction and desire to exist (the "demi" part) but even then the desire may be uncommon and/or not very strong (the "gray" part).

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1 minute ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I don't see a reason why one couldn't be both demi and gray. Actually I'm starting to lean that way myself! The way I see it is that there has to be a strong emotional bond in order for sexual attraction and desire to exist (the "demi" part) but even then the desire may be uncommon and/or not very strong (the "gray" part).

Exactly!! The "gray" part is also what I believe to be the reason I have had some issues with past relationships. I remember my first boyfriend telling me that he "wasn't getting enough from me," that I wasn't satisfying him sexually.

Hopefully with this information I can better communicate to my new boyfriend what to expect from this relationship.

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9 hours ago, Lizzy_Bee said:

I don't develop a sexual attraction with someone until a bond is formed, and even then the urge for sex starts out strong, then tappers off, and is then sporadic to almost nonexistent.

It seems you identify with many types of Gray, but it could also be explained as very normal allosexual behavior depending on what you mean. Demisexual IS under the Gray umbrella. Needing a bond to desire sex is very normal for sexual people (particularly women). Demisexual is about needing an abnormal span of time before desiring sex. A sparaticlyetc desire for sex is called Burstsexual. The desire for sex fading away for every partner is called Fraysexual. Identifying as both Demisexual and Gray would just be redundant. Does the desire for sex always end up fading away or does it only do that sometimes and others the desire remains but is sparaticlyetc/random?

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Just now, Star Bit said:

It seems you identify with many types of Gray. Demisexual IS under the Gray umbrella.Needing a bond to desire sex is very normal for sexual people (particularly women). Demisexual is about needing an abnormal span of time before desiring sex. A sparaticlyetc desire for sex is called Burstsexual. The desire for sex fading away for every partner is called Fraysexual. Identifying as both Demisexual and Gray would just be redundant. Does the desire for sex always end up fading away or does it only do that sometimes and others the desire remains but is sparaticlyetc/random?

The desire for sex can be very sporadic/random, and it doesn't always fade. I also don't develope any romantic feelings for someone unless a bond has been formed (demiromantic).

I do have trouble explaining things so I don't know just how well I'm explaining this. It makes sense in my head, but it doesn't always make sense to other people.

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23 hours ago, Lizzy_Bee said:

Basically what the title says. I seem to identify with both. I don't develop a sexual attraction with someone until a bond is formed, and even then the urge for sex starts out strong, then tappers off, and is then sporadic to almost nonexistent.

I just want to know, can you identify as both, or does it have to be just one?

Yes, I think so. That's why I choose the label "demigray" romantic for myself.

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Demisexual *is* a variety of gray, so it's redundant.

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@Lizzy_bee

Desire fading away is very normal, but for Frays it does so every time, which clearly isn't the norm. Also, by speratic, are you sure you don't just have sexual desire triggers? (which are normal)

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7 hours ago, Deus Ex Zero said:

Yes, I think so. That's why I choose the label "demigray" romanic for myself.

Along with what I and Philip027 said on it being redundant, one is not asexual if they're anywhere on the Gray spectrum.

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5 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

@Lizzy_bee

Desire fading away is very normal, but for Frays it does so every time, which clearly isn't the norm. Also, by speratic, are you sure you don't just have sexual desire triggers? (which are normal)

I don't think I really have sexual desire triggers. Unless you can consider my boyfriend as one, and even then those can be sporadic to almost nonexistent.

As I might have said before, sometimes when we have sex it's just for him, and I just want him to be happy.

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Your boyfriend being one is extremely normal. Most sexual women need sexual arousal or foreplay to trigger their desire for sex every time. Do you want to make him happy with sex as in you want to pursue sex because you get off on the emotional pleasure it gives you, or you'll just concent to sex to make him happy but don't want sex for emotional pleasure? If the former, again, very normal. Also, does your sparaticlyetc/nonexistent sex-drive have a rate of frequency? (like once per month or once every few months) I know you said it's sparatic, but if you're not keeping track of things then things can seem random.

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4 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

Your boyfriend being one is extremely normal. Most sexual women need sexual arousal or foreplay to trigger their desire for sex every time. Do you want to make him happy with sex as in you want to pursue sex because it gives you emotional pleasure or you'll just concent to sex to make him happy but don't want sex for emotional pleasure? If the former, again, very normal. Also, is your sparaticlyetc/nonexistent sex-drive have a rate of frequency? (like once per month or once every few months)

Sometimes it's for emotional pleasure, but for the most part it's to make him happy. My libido is once every other month, sometimes longer.

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2 hours ago, Lizzy_Bee said:

Sometimes it's for emotional pleasure, but for the most part it's to make him happy. My libido is once every other month, sometimes longer.

Sounds like you just have a low sex-drive with a partner that clearly desires sex more often. Sexually compromising alot doesn't mean someone's not a normal sexual person; that's what people do when they're in mixed sex-drive relationships (which most ppl are in). Though desiring sex every other month would be under Hyposexual (not in reference to the 'disorder').

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Almost every sexual person alive loses sexual attraction/desire to connect sexually with their partner over time. The "sexy" phase wears off for many, many people, as the relationship progresses. That's a biological thing to prevent two people continuing to have sex with only each other for too long, which in early human evolution would have created too much restriction in the gene pool. Obviously some couples do remain together long term and are able to maintain continuous sexual desire for each other over that time, but it's much more common for at least one person to totally lose interest in sex with their partner as the new relationship hormones fade. That doesnt mean they've lost interest in sex with people in general, once they leave the relationship and develop a bond with a new partner they'll want sex with that partner while the hormones last. This is extremely common. So I'd say there's no need to add frey or grey to the Demi part. Most demisexuals on AVEN have had at least a few sexual relationships, meaning they obviously didn't maintain sexual desire for the previous partners long term. It's also extremely common for people to only desire sex once a bond has formed, but it seems demisexuality is just a lot more common than some on AVEN think it is. maybe frey is just extremely common too lol (neither are asexual though!.. I think the thing is, most sexual people just dont use labels for these common experiences)

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Quote

Almost every sexual person alive loses sexual attraction/desire to connect sexually with their partner over time. The "sexy" phase wears off for many, many people, as the relationship progresses. That's a biological thing to prevent two people continuing to have sex with only each other for too long, which in early human evolution would have created too much restriction in the gene pool.

I think most activities just get more and more boring over time as they're repeated over the course of years.  Wouldn't really call it a "biological thing"

 

Granted, there's always exceptions, just like how there's people that can have a passion for [X career/hobby here] that remains strong and never falters throughout their entire life, but for the most part this holds true with just about everything.

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1 hour ago, Pan. said:

It's also extremely common for people to only desire sex once a bond has formed, but it seems demisexuality is just a lot more common than some on AVEN think it is. Maybe frey is just extremely common too lol

Yes to the bold (and ppl losing desire), but no to Demi and Fray being normal; that's the very point of the terms; being rare. People who need a bond to desire sex aren't Demi; they have to desire it after an abnormal span of time. Frays aren't just capable of losing desire toward a person, they do so every single time (and from what I've seen, around the same time span as well).

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2 hours ago, Star Bit said:

Yes to the bold (and ppl losing desire), but no to Demi and Fray being normal; that's the very point of the terms; being rare. People who need a bond to desire sex aren't Demi; they have to desire it after an abnormal span of time. Frays aren't just capable of losing desire toward a person, they do so every single time (and from what I've seen, around the same time span as well).

Me and Skullery beat the frey thing like a dead horse. We have both tried to explain repeatedly that yes, it's EXTREMELY normal and common for someone to repeatedly lose sexual interest in their partners after a certain amount of time. This is one of the main reasons that some people have so many short term relationships. They just can't retain the desire (sexual and/or romantic) once the initial hormones have worn off. It seems that supporters of the frey definition seem to think that the majority of sexual people have one long term relationship that lasts their whole life maintaining consistent desire for their partner.. but if you look at actual life and actual real life relationships you'll see that it's nothing like that. Almost everyone idolises their partner initially and the hormones that go along with that cause heightened sexual desire and arousal, and a kind of blindness to any flaws that person has. Then slowly those hormones fade, and that person's flaws start becoming apparent as you get to know them better, and once that happens the desire fades and  one can quickly become bored if there isn't a deeper foundation to hold the two people together. I honestly can't see why people have such a hard time understanding this when its evidenced by the multiple past relationships of almost every sexually and romantically active person :S

 

I do agree about the definition of Demi, but almost no one here uses it that way. Most just mean "I need a bond before I can desire sex" and that is most certainly very common. 

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14 hours ago, Star Bit said:

Along with what I and Philip027 said on it being redundant, one is not asexual if they're anywhere on the Gray spectrum.

No one will ever tell me what or who I am. I'm ace with demigray-romantic tendies. Take it or leave it.

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@Deus Ex Zero I meant anywhere on the Gray-sexual spectrum not Gray-romantic.

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20 hours ago, Pan. said:

This is one of the main reasons that some people have so many short term relationships.

Yes, I never said loss of sexual/romantic desire wasn't normal (even if it's alot of the time), but Frays do so 100% of the time.

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