Tofruity

Sudden pressure from parents! Help!!

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Tofruity   
Tofruity

My parents are visiting for my graduation. Today was the first evening we spent together.

 

Now, my general asexuality is pretty obvious given that I had no bf/gf growing up, never had much interest in dating, the only "relationship" I ever had its understood in hindsight that it was really just a close friendship. I've said things like "im not into relationships" "finding a partner isnt priority" even "im never really attracted to anyone". When they reflect back I'm someone who is attracted to personality not physicality I figured thats a baby boomer's way of being "close enough" in understanding. Why turn it into a dramatic coming out conversation when they 85% seem to get it?

 

Well I guess with grad school graduation they're looking at the next box to checkmark. Within our first half hour together mom said "thats the kind of guy that would be great for you" (talking about the bartender and his personality/lifestyle). There were at least 4 other times quick mentions of dating/boyfriend were brought up...not so much where I'm being asked but I think trying to get me to talk about the subject? Or at the very least their obsession about this subject was revealed.

 

I just don't know how to respond when nothing is being asked. If I just name my asexuality after a brief side joke of theirs they'd be like a) what the hell is that and b) thats random timing, why now, in public? c) Well most of that has been pretty obvious why do you have to fixate on a label?

 

And of course all the minimizing responses like about finding the right person.  

 

For years I felt they got the general idea of my sexuality. In just a few hours time I suddenly feel alone and totally misunderstood. Their understanding was just an illusion. Lets see how the rest of this extended weekend goes...

 

Any advice or anyone relate?

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Homer   
Homer

It seems like they just didn't understand. Most parents want their kids to be happy and for the vast majority of people, that will involve a partner and offspring. It's just their idea of what is good for you. 

There's no point in trying to convince anyone that you feel the way you feel, so... carry on. If you never mention any SOs (or wanting to breed), never bring anyone home and all that, they will get the hang of it eventually. (I'm 34 and it took until just a couple of years ago, but now even my 85yo grandma got it!)

 

I actually agree on the label issue. Screw that shit. Do your thing, don't hold yourself back in order to qualify for some obscure "label". If you're still not interested in a relationship in 30yrs' time, that's okay. If you wake up tomorrow and things have changed completely, that's also okay. Keep your eyes open, enjoy yourself and if there's something you want to go for, go for it.

 

Fankly, I can't see any "pressure" from what you wrote. That's just them expressing an opinion (assuming they didn't force you to talk to the bartender or something).

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mousebrown   
mousebrown

I understand this kind of "pressure" 100%. From the outside it seems like nothing, but I know how it feels. Those tiny nagging "You two would be great together" comments from mothers, and "We've got to get you laid" comments from friends. They want you to be happy, but their idea of happy involves things you're not into, thats okay. Thats just a misunderstanding.

 

I'm just getting to a point in my life where I am  not labelling anything, and when people make comments I straight out say (casually,confidently and conversationally)


"Nah I'm not into in that".  You don't owe any explanation to anybody, your parents, your friends. Be true to yourself, that's all.

 

When some people are not into drinking, and you see those people at parties with friends trying to pressure them to drink. Don't you think those are kind of shitty friends? Don't give into pressure if you're only doing it for the benefit of others, to the detriment of yourself.

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Diamond Ace of Hearts   
Diamond Ace of Hearts
1 hour ago, Tofruity said:

Now, my general asexuality is pretty obvious given that I had no bf/gf growing up, never had much interest in dating, the only "relationship" I ever had its understood in hindsight that it was really just a close friendship. I've said things like "im not into relationships" "finding a partner isnt priority" even "im never really attracted to anyone". When they reflect back I'm someone who is attracted to personality not physicality I figured thats a baby boomer's way of being "close enough" in understanding. Why turn it into a dramatic coming out conversation when they 85% seem to get it?

Well, if you felt that letting them think that you were into personality not physicality was close enough but it wasn't actually close enough then you must take some of the responsibility for this. You may have said you didn't want a relationship but if you let them go away thinking "she doesn't care about sex but she's attracted to who people are" then it's no wonder that they still think you want relationships, is it? As others have said, many people's idea of happiness includes a relationship of some kind so people who want you to be happy will be concerned if you're showing no movement on that score, especially if you left them headroom to revert to the default of thinking that you might want a relationship. You just have to be very clear. Tell them, again, that you're not interested. Be very clear in what you do and do not need to make you happy. If maybe you do want a relationship but still would like not to get the comments and the pressure from your family, TELL THEM THAT.

 

"Listen, guys, it's about the other night at dinner. From the conversation, I sensed a lot of focus on my love life. I appreciate the concern but I'm not sure I even want a relationship so stop, please. I feel like you're pushing me and pressuring me. You wouldn't want me to do something I'm not comfortable with, would you? Please just let me figure it out in my own time in my own way." Six sentences, job done, no mention of asexuality or aromanticism, no big coming out, no new information for them to process, just a request for some space.

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The Dryad   
The Dryad

Hmm, I feel like most of my family knows I'm aromantic asexual, without even talking about it, if I wanted someone I could've had someone by now, I think most people on AVEN in general could tbh, but I digress; part of why I'm so confident in my family is I have a sneaking suspicion that asexuality runs in my family, because some of my cousins have never been married, never been in relationships, yet live together in a house they bought (a dream life for me).

 

Also, I tend to tell my mom things about me through subtility, 

Me: " Oh hey, did you know Jughead is written to be aromantic asexual, but they ruin-

Mom:"What's that?"

Me:"It's when you have no romantic feelings, or like people of either gender, or something like that"

Mom:"okay"

Me:~mission impossible is complete.

 

And I was not bugged about it again. So. It worked.

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RD_the   
RD_the

Several years ago I was visiting my grandparents for a couple days. It turned into a drawn out lecture on how much better life is in a couple. Every time they did something as a team they made a comment about it. "See? It's better this way." I Totally get what you feel in that situation. 

 

The basic decision is either address it right out, or nod and smile and ignore. I did the second one. I made sure that there was another person visiting with me to ask as a buffer going forward (and, oddly, within a year I met a guy who is perfect for me). I suspect this may not work for you.  

 

You might go the ignore route and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this was a one time thing? Ultimately, though, you might want to have a plan on how you want to tell them flat out. 

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JD_MacGill   
JD_MacGill

My mum keeps telling everyone behind my back that I'm a lesbian and that it's only a matter of time until I turn up with my first girlfriend. My parents just don't seem to get it that there are people whose main goal is not having a partner and kids but who are instead more interested in career and friends, etc.

 

I'll finish university in a few weeks from now and suddenly my parents and grandparents keep mentioning how today's youth are having children earlier and... "what about you?" Like, hang on, aren't you telling everyone I'm a lesbian? But at the same time I'm supposed to have at least 2 children within the next 3 years?

 

I usually leave the room or try to ignore their questions because they wouldn't understand anyway. Thank god I'll move out soon

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Homer   
Homer

@JD_MacGill That is fucked up on so many levels. What makes her think that this would be an okay thing to do? Geez.

 

I hope you called her out on that shit.

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Euna   
Euna

Yeah, I can relate to this.  It really bothers me when it happens, but I think the key is not to show anyone that it bothers you too much.  I mean, let them know how you stand and be firm about it, but try not to react emotionally, otherwise they will just think it confirms their opinion. 

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