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Help! I am a sexual who married an asexual.


RestlessSexless

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RestlessSexless

Sorry for the length in advance.

 

I am a sexual woman who did not engage in penetrative sex until I became engaged. My fiance (now husband) actually pushed for sex before marriage because that is what he thought he was supposed to do. Our sex was frequent up until we married. Then I noticed that something was amiss although I had nothing to compare our sex life to. It seemed odd and was hurtful that I was always the one to initiate and was frequently rebuffed.

 

I include all this because I feel that it's pertanent to know that my husband presented as sexual until we were wed. 

 

Needless to say this has caused many issues in our marriage. Recently I asked him, could he be asexual? He had no idea what I was talking about but after reading articles, taking quizzes, etc he is certain he is. We have scheduled a doctor's appointment just to rule out the possibility of an underlying medical condition but we both feel that is unlikely.

 

We have had two children and we do love one another but I'm afraid our marriage may not work.

 

He has agreed that the best solution may be an open/polyamorous relationship. Indeed, this may be our only chance. 

 

There is one person that we can both agree would be an excellent fit but... how should I approach them? If they decline how on earth do I find someone when I am married with children? Neither of us wants for me to have flings or one night stands. 

 

I don't want to lose my marriage but I can't imagine going decades without a passionate sexual relationship either.

 

Any advice is welcome.

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There must be dating sites for this kind of matchmaking? 

 

I, myself, would worry about falling in love with a girl who wanted me sexually. This is because of the force of my sexuality and because i also have been 'neglected' for quite some time

 We stick to scheduled quickies with no foreplay and little kisses

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There are websites for poly couples, meetups for poly, etc. I would suggest looking into the poly community for resources. Some of our poly members may know some. 

 

21 minutes ago, MrDane said:

There must be dating sites for this kind of matchmaking? 

 

I, myself, would worry about falling in love with a girl who wanted me sexually. This is because of the force of my sexuality and because i also have been 'neglected' for quite some time

 We stick to scheduled quickies with no foreplay and little kisses

If it is poly, falling in love with would not be an issue, as poly is multiple loves. :)

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RestlessSexless

Does anyone have any advice for how to approach our friend about this? Or how I can best come to grips with my situation, now that I know it isn't going to change or "get better".

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How close is this friendship? Could you maybe open it up by discussing a story you read about a couple with an open relationship who invited a friend into it, then gauge his reaction? If he seems disgusted, leave it. If he is open to different styles being OK, try to broach it? 

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RestlessSexless

The thing is... this friend was kind of a "fool around" buddy before me and my husband got together.  In fact, all three of us hung out for quite awhile. He decided to run off and do something foolish which opened the door for things to get more serious between me and my now husband. When he got back and learned I was "off the market" he was upset, even though we had never made any promises or even called our relationship anything other than a friendship. 

 

I then found out he harboured deep feelings for me and left to try to make me... mad? I never totally understood that.

 

Out of respect for his feelings I've kept my distance despite my husband repeatedly encouragin contact knowing his feelings toward me.

 

So, if I reach out to him I feel I kind of have to spill the beans as after three years of not hanging out I can't exactly pretend I'm just suddenly getting together for no reason, right?

 

Gosh I'm so sorry. This feels so complicated and embarrassing...

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7 minutes ago, RestlessSexless said:

The thing is... this friend was kind of a "fool around" buddy before me and my husband got together.  In fact, all three of us hung out for quite awhile. He decided to run off and do something foolish which opened the door for things to get more serious between me and my now husband. When he got back and learned I was "off the market" he was upset, even though we had never made any promises or even called our relationship anything other than a friendship. 

 

I then found out he harboured deep feelings for me and left to try to make me... mad? I never totally understood that.

 

Out of respect for his feelings I've kept my distance despite my husband repeatedly encouragin contact knowing his feelings toward me.

 

So, if I reach out to him I feel I kind of have to spill the beans as after three years of not hanging out I can't exactly pretend I'm just suddenly getting together for no reason, right?

 

Gosh I'm so sorry. This feels so complicated and embarrassing...

Mmmm. 

 

You could reach out to him and ask to catch up over coffee, then carefully nudge the ideas to see how he responds still, see if he still likes you, etc. I've caught up with friends after years of not speaking, because of similar relationship issues. You don't have to spill it all out at first meeting, ya know? 

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There's only one way to find out...

 

Yet opening up a relationship always bears the risk of unwanted feelings developing. Given that your friend used to have those feelings, I'd assume that it's likely for them to come back. (That's where I don't really understand your husband's view. He must be aware of that risk and he's still willing to take it?)

 

It really depends on how close you and your friend are at this point. If he's already aware(ish) of the situation in your marriage, you could just go ahead and set up a meeting of all three parties (I'd assume that your friend would still require some time to think about it after the idea has been brought up). If not, it'll take some time and a few meetings to see whether you manage to develop a certain kind of connection.

 

58 minutes ago, Serran said:

Could you maybe open it up by discussing a story you read about a couple with an open relationship who invited a friend into it, then gauge his reaction?

I don't know what kind of person your friend is, but this would make me suspicious right away...

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RestlessSexless

I'm not certain but I think the reason my husband is okay with it is... even though I do love my friend, I have known him half my life and never fell IN love with him. My husband is the only man I have ever fallen in love with... if that makes sense. I think my husband is okay with our friend loving and in fact, making love to me so long as he is the only man I'm in love with.

 

Small rant, does anyone else struggle with how unfair this can feel? To fall in love with someone and then find out that you have to end or look outside the relationship to have your needs met? How do you move past that or does it always sting?

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RestlessSexless

Oh and yes, after we got married we had a big fight once. I asked my friend to come over and help me out as I believed my husband was moving out. I confessed to him the sexual issues we were having. He couldn't understand why my husband was behavinyl that way but encouraged me to try to work it out.

 

So, I mean it was years ago but I think he'd remember that.

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Arctangent

Like Serran said, there are lots of poly people who are open to dating and/or having sex with someone who is married. Even if it doesn't work out with your friend, there are other people out there who might be willing to have the kind of relationship you're looking for. There are lots of resources in the online poly community, and depending on where you live, there might be poly meetups in your area. OKCupid also has nonmonogamy-friendly options. :)

 

If it were me who was being approached... I'd probably prefer for the initial conversation to be one-on-one (without the other spouse around). I'd recommend to be open and honest about the situation and make it clear that your spouse is on board. They might have lots of questions/concerns, so be prepared for that. I'd suggest keeping rules to a minimum; however, If you and your spouse want the new relationship to follow certain rules, make sure to tell the other person about the rules from the outset so that they know what they'd be getting into before they agree. It's best when the new partner has a voice in decisions and negotiations that affect them, so I'd say that you should aim to set that precedent from the first conversation.

 

That's my feeling on the matter, but some poly people would probably feel differently from me, so take my advice with a grain of salt. In any case, I wish you the best with your situation.

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You say, "The thing is... this friend was kind of a "fool around" buddy before me and my husband got together.  In fact, all three of us hung out for quite awhile. He decided to run off and do something foolish which opened the door for things to get more serious between me and my now husband. When he got back and learned I was "off the market" he was upset, even though we had never made any promises or even called our relationship anything other than a friendship.  I then found out he harboured deep feelings for me and left to try to make me... mad? I never totally understood that.  Out of respect for his feelings I've kept my distance despite my husband repeatedly encouraging contact knowing his feelings toward me."

 

But if your friend had deep feelings for you, enough to be upset when he found you'd married, how would he feel if you proposed to him that he be a third person -- a kind of "sex buddy" -- for you, while you continued to be married to and in love with your husband?  

 

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marriedtoanace
6 hours ago, Sally said:

You say, "The thing is... this friend was kind of a "fool around" buddy before me and my husband got together.  In fact, all three of us hung out for quite awhile. He decided to run off and do something foolish which opened the door for things to get more serious between me and my now husband. When he got back and learned I was "off the market" he was upset, even though we had never made any promises or even called our relationship anything other than a friendship.  I then found out he harboured deep feelings for me and left to try to make me... mad? I never totally understood that.  Out of respect for his feelings I've kept my distance despite my husband repeatedly encouraging contact knowing his feelings toward me."

 

But if your friend had deep feelings for you, enough to be upset when he found you'd married, how would he feel if you proposed to him that he be a third person -- a kind of "sex buddy" -- for you, while you continued to be married to and in love with your husband?  

 

Yeah this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.  

 

@RestlessSexless, if this is the road you want to go down, find a more neutral third party, one that you don't know already has feelings for you.  It should not be an old fuck buddy that used to have feelings for you. This is a whole can of worms you don't want to reopen. 

 

Honestly get on craigslist or tinder. Find strangers to sleep with.  Let them know up front what's happening so they can decide if that's something they want to be involved in. I'm sure you won't have trouble finding people with much less emotional baggage attached.  

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I don't think this is necessarily a disaster waiting to happen, but it certainly could go sideways. Craigslist or strangers could just as easily go bad, and in fact could have the potential to be much worse. RestlessSexless, you trust this friend and I think it's worth it to pursue the option. He'd also be getting into an "arrangement" that is fairly funky and a constant reminder that a normal relationship is not gonna happen. If it were me (but I'm biased since I'm in a sexless marriage to an asexual) I would jump on the opportunity, bad pun intended. 

 

Also, your friend is an adult and can make his own decisions. If your husband is on board, and you think it could work, let the guy know and leave it up to him to decide. Yeah, it's a bit weird, a little awkward, but so is life! 

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nanogretchen4

I think the fact that you and your husband haven't spent time with this friend for three years is a huge red flag. You should not try to reestablish ties now only to turn around and tell him that you've decided he can be useful to you in saving your marriage. Is there any reason to believe that your friend is poly? Since we already know that his feelings for you are stronger than yours for him, and you are also the one who is married and can run right back to monogamy if things get too tense, the balance of power is very unequal. You should be looking for poly men who understand from the beginning exactly what type of relationship you want. It might be wise to try a brief casual encounter with someone you don't know well first. If you and your husband both feel okay about that after the fact, you might then want to find a poly man who also already has a primary relationship with someone else.

 

As a completely separate issue, if you and your husband both miss your friend and actually want to be friends with him rather than just using him at your convenience, you should arrange a get together with no ulterior motives.

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  • 2 weeks later...
RestlessSexless

Hey everybody,

 

My husband is now in the process of getting medical tests done so I still have a few weeks to think on things.

 

Some clarification based on responses:

 

We both miss this friend and the only reason we have rarely seen one another over the past few years is that I thought it would be... mean I guess, to "rub our relationship in his face".  I think that, since he has some body issues and ailments that he is very selfconscious of, he doesn't really date or have a girlfriend often in his life. That he might also "jump at the chance" for both the companionship and the sex. 

 

The three of us get along really well and almost lived together for months before he left on his stupid quest. (I say stupid because of the dangers involved and the fact that he did, in fact get hurt).

 

Okay, also I guess I'd rather divorce and try to find someone who could offer "the whole package" than have random sex or connect with someone JUST for sex. There's a reason I waited to have sex until my husband and that is that I wanted to only have sex with someone I really loved. While I may not have the same romantic love I have with my husband with my friend I do love him. I know him and trust him. I simply couldn't get the same experience with a relative stranger, the same satisfaction. Nor would I feel morally okay with that. 

 

I wouldn't intend to just use my friend at my convenience, we would all be in a relationship of he was willing. My husband and I even disussed the fact that when we are able to buy a house we'd make sure it was enough rooms for him to live with us if this happened. 

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