I want monogamy but I don't know how to navigate celibacy

[liljellybean]

My partner and I have been dating for about 5 months and he has just come out to me as asexual, we have had sex in the past and has told me a few times he felt pressured into it, which I was not aware of because I constantly ask during sex if it is okay. I deeply feel regret for unknowingly coercing him into sex and well being a rapist necessarily in the past, but he is willing to see past this. I personally am a very sexual person, i have experienced a large amount of sexual abuse in my past and having sex with someone I love and feel a deep emotional connection for has become an important part of my healing process. We have been in a monogamous relationship for the entire time we have been dating but I am now unsure how to navigate this because although he is open to an open relationship so I can be sexually satisfied, I am not sure if I am open to him being with other people emotionally. I really enjoy the security and happiness that a monogamous relationship gives me, and at least for now I am more than willing to be celibate in order to make my partner feel comfortable. I guess what I am asking is can a sexual person remain celibate for a lasting time without feeling almost a feeling of loss for their sexual self? If I had an open relationship would I find a way to be emotionally open with my partner seeing other people romantically and how do people navigate that? as someone who has only had sexual relationships in the past this is all very new to me so I do not mean to offend. He is willing to do other forms of sexual favors (fellatio) and cuddle and kiss but I am not sure he enjoys doing them and I would really rather not create resentment between us two by initiating these as often with him as I have in the past, before I knew he was asexual. what should I do?

[Lana Overland]

You should tell him about this. It's not good for either of you to feel this way. If it doesn't work out, I'm sorry but it might be for the best as long as you both get what you need. Good luck, and I'm sorry I know it must suck to be in this position.

[Starfall]

Because everyone is unique, your experience of being celibate can't really be predicted by how it's been for others. It's probably something you have to experiment with, and discover what works for you, and what doesn't. The same can be said for attempting an open relationship. People who have experienced one or both of these will likely have stories and advice to share, but I think you'll find that few of them are relevant to your specific situation. The best thing you can do is be prepared to try and fail a lot before you find something that works.

 

@Lana Overland is right, the best thing you can do is to maintain open, honest communication with your partner throughout this process. Tell him how you're feeling, even if you don't think he'll like it, and be prepared to listen to his feelings in return.

 

Good luck with everything, and remember: we're here to listen if you need to vent, or want a sympathetic ear.   

[liljellybean]

I feel more deeply for him than I ever have since he has opened up to me about this, because of this I feel like we are closer than ever, he told me he has faith in our relationship and I do as well. I think mostly I am wondering is anyone has ever experienced a lasting mixed relationship with the sexual partner remaining celibate. I'm not hurting i just feel very confused and i find it consuming my thoughts.

[God of the Forest]

2 hours ago, liljellybean said:

My partner and I have been dating for about 5 months and he has just come out to me as asexual, we have had sex in the past and has told me a few times he felt pressured into it, which I was not aware of because I constantly ask during sex if it is okay. I deeply feel regret for unknowingly coercing him into sex and well being a rapist necessarily in the past, but he is willing to see past this. I personally am a very sexual person, i have experienced a large amount of sexual abuse in my past and having sex with someone I love and feel a deep emotional connection for has become an important part of my healing process. We have been in a monogamous relationship for the entire time we have been dating but I am now unsure how to navigate this because although he is open to an open relationship so I can be sexually satisfied, I am not sure if I am open to him being with other people emotionally. I really enjoy the security and happiness that a monogamous relationship gives me, and at least for now I am more than willing to be celibate in order to make my partner feel comfortable. I guess what I am asking is can a sexual person remain celibate for a lasting time without feeling almost a feeling of loss for their sexual self? If I had an open relationship would I find a way to be emotionally open with my partner seeing other people romantically and how do people navigate that? as someone who has only had sexual relationships in the past this is all very new to me so I do not mean to offend. He is willing to do other forms of sexual favors (fellatio) and cuddle and kiss but I am not sure he enjoys doing them and I would really rather not create resentment between us two by initiating these as often with him as I have in the past, before I knew he was asexual. what should I do?

  Let me make something clear, you are NOT a rapist, you did NOT coerce ANYONE. If he didnt say no, if he didnt make it clear to you its because he was insecure NOT because you did anything wrong. He needs to acquaint himself with the word "NO".

 

  I personally don't believe an open relationship is healthy but you do you boo boo. 

 

  I would definately have a conversation with him about your feelings on monogamy and try to establish a compromise with him, part of a relationship is compromising while also allowing each other room to breath.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

From what I've read here, asexual-sexual relationships rarely last long, or are unhappy ones. The sexual is frustrated constantly and the asexual feels stressed from the pressure to 'perform'. Open relationships will only work if that's how you're wired, which it doesn't sound like you are, so that's a no-no for your mental health. Celibacy is difficult, but not impossible; it depends on how important your sexuality is to you.

[miauw]

@liljellybean

Please don't think yourself a rapist! My ex-boyfriend reacted like that too when I told him I was ace and that in retrospect I think I slept with him way too early (he was my first). Since I was actually the initiator the first time and made the choice myself with no pressure on his part, there could be no talk of rape, just of a confused girl not knowing what she wants. I don't think I ever managed to fully convince him that he did not rape me.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Regarding the open relationship - just because a relationship is open sexually, it must not necessarily mean that it is open emotionally. Talk with him. Just because he is open to the idea of you seeking out sexual satisfaction with others doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to seeks emotional satisfaction elsewhere or is fine with you forming other emotional connections. It's a tricky thing.

[Internetlionboy]

Listen I want to join in since I'm polyamorous (also synonymous with open relationships) and am perfectly fine and love the idea of being with multiple people. I'll try my best to give my insight about your situation. Everyone here gave some great advice. Just talk to him and see what you can to make it work. If you decide that maybe having an open relationship is the best choice, than go for it. All I can say is I wish you luck. ^^

[liljellybean]

@Internetlionboy the one thing I am worried about with a polyamorous relationship is longevity and the absense of being able to get married. I know this sounds RIDICULOUS because I have only been dating this person for 5 months but I work in makeup in the wedding circuit and have always dreamed of a beautiful wedding and full commitment to a single person. I feel as cliche as this sounds it really is one of my deepest desires. I don't want to shut out the opportunity of one of my biggest dreams since childhood, just to have sex. I love my partner and it's too early to say that I am ready to marry them but If I shut myself to that option for the future I am not being true to myself.

[Arctangent]

It sounds like being in a monogamous relationship is really important to you. Some people prefer monogamy, which is completely okay - and there's nothing wrong with considering non-monogamy to be a deal-breaker if that's how you feel. Polyamory works well for me personally, but I wouldn't advise anyone to give up their dreams of having a monogamous relationship, even if polyamory seems more "practical" for their situation. For someone who is flexible and can imagine being happy about being in an open/poly relationship, then it might be worth a shot. But if someone feels in their heart of hearts that monogamy is what they want, then trying to be in an open/poly relationship is almost certainly going to be more trouble than it's worth, and it won't resolve the underlying problem. All the sex with other people in the world probably won't help if the one person you most desire to be sexually intimate with doesn't reciprocate your desire.

 

Celibacy is also a difficult choice, however. There have been a few sexual people here with asexual partners who have been able to make a relationship work while giving up sex entirely, but in my experience, it's not the norm. Generally, most of the mixed relationships I've seen that enjoy long term success include some form of sexual compromise - but that is no guarantee either.

[Star Bit]

On 5/17/2017 at 11:25 AM, Internetlionboy said:

I'm polyamorous (also synonymous with open relationships)

No they aren't. Open relationship means at least one partner can have sex with whomever they want; which doesn't automatically mean they struck up a partnership with this other person(s). Polyamorous means there's more than two people in a relationship (which doesn't have to include sex).

[MrDane]

Being celibate would drain all my energy and put me in a black hole of depression, so that is not an option! I would not be able to be a good husband/partner/father and I would have a difficulty with seing other things as nice/enjoyable. I am going to go after a life with sex. How much, when and how can be discussed and is open for new agrements/deals. No sex is not a possibility. As a default setting I am: sexual with a need. I am monogamous and very family-minded. I like to touch as a love language. I prefer few people. I word out, that I love my partner. I kiss hello and goodbye. I am a bit insecure about how I am worth loving, but is also basically sure, that i am a good catch. 

...but I am doing a lot of compromising all ready. We usually dont touch, kiss, caress. She dont say lovely love-reassuring words. we have sex, but only by a certain schedule, mutually agreed upon, but mostly for my sake, therefore not much playing along. (She migth do most of the stretching, i know, but i have reached a limit, and i dont know about her? She dont want to talk/tell me that much about it)

[Homer]

On 5/17/2017 at 7:49 PM, liljellybean said:

I know this sounds RIDICULOUS because I have only been dating this person for 5 months but I work in makeup in the wedding circuit and have always dreamed of a beautiful wedding and full commitment to a single person. I feel as cliche as this sounds it really is one of my deepest desires.

Not saying that you're guilty of this, mind. Please don't get me wrong. But there is a certain danger of following that desire without paying much attention to whom you're following it with. Just want to say that I hope you're sure that they are the right person to go for this goal with.

 

Again, not saying that you actually do this. Yet I know people who were so desperate to procreate that they got themselves pregnant six fuckin' weeks into the relationship. I know someone who got married because they were desperate to have a compound name (no joke!). I know someone who got pregnant because they suffered from a hormonally induced blindness and their partner actually refers to the offspring as "your thing". They're in for a big surprise when they wake up...

 

So whatever you do, please make sure that you actually want the person first and "make a dream come true" second.

[Nathan Dearth]

On 2017-5-16 at 11:06 PM, liljellybean said:

I guess what I am asking is can a sexual person remain celibate for a lasting time without feeling almost a feeling of loss for their sexual self? 
 

I think it's possible, if you focus on the gains rather than the losses. I've recently been considering voluntary celibacy myself and here's one way of thinking about it that might help you;

 

In Plato's, 'Symposium' he talked about a ladder of love, upon which the first rung is sexual pleasure. But there are several higher rungs of greater loves. Sexual pleasure is not a bad thing and it points us towards the top of the ladder, which Plato calls the "beautiful" or a kind of universal "good". But the higher rungs include, firstly, seeing the person's soul, beyond the physical. Then as you go up, learning to love the laws and rules which govern all these souls, and the wisdom and knowledge that informs those rules and all of life. Your feelings of instantaneous pleasure may not increase as you climb the ladder, but the higher loves provide a truer, more meaningful, longer-lasting, slower-burning type of contentment. And everybody knows what this pattern feels like; when you abstain from eating the cookie, because you desire the greater good of health. What you'd be doing is abstaining from sex for a greater good of loving another soul intimately. 
 

Sex is great, but it's not the highest good in life and it's temporary. Also, often, the desire for sexual intimacy tends to simmer down after a few years in a relationship anyway. Plus, it's always felt to me like one of those things that leaves you wanting more; desiring what you don't have instead of being grateful for what you do have. But it's a hard thing to overcome. Particularly for you in your position. I hope you can find a solution that works for you. 

[MrDane]

I think, I could choose celibacy (or abstinence) for a while, if my wife needed space to find out what she will accept as a standard with a sexual husband.i dont know how long, but perhaps half a year at first and then an agrement to have an open discussion about it later. 

[Stranger]

So, I've been navigating celibacy for almost 2 years now. I agree with Starfall, how one experiences celibacy is unique to the individual. But for me, it's different than living without enough sex, but not any worse. Less frustration because I remember less vividly what I'm missing. A bit more depression though. Focusing on the positive as Nathan suggest helps me a bit, but for me is hard to do (and now I'll also be thinking about how hard it is to use a ladder with a broken rung ). Focusing on living in the moment helps me the best though. I can maintain my focus on work or nature for hours. But then I lose focus, and the hunger is there waiting for me. 

[roland.o]

On 17.5.2017 at 7:49 PM, liljellybean said:

I don't want to shut out the opportunity of one of my biggest dreams since childhood

Are you really at a point where you need to make a decision for life, one way or another? You could just go with this relationship for now... communicate with your partner, see where it takes you, find out how you feel about the compromises you work out. And then reconsider in 6 months, in a year, another year later, and so on. Or reconsider every month. Maybe every week. It's not like you have to decide on this relationship now, and then stick to that decision for the rest of your life. Relationships evolve, just like people do. And dreams, for that matter.