Older Aces (35+) might think they're straight. Do you say anything?

[Velma]

It's been surprising these days, I've been a lot more open about asexuality lately with people my own age. I am surprised that so many women I talk to don't think they are asexual, but when they describe what they want or have in their relationships, they perfectly describe an asexual ideal. I've met a few aromantics as well, who perfectly described wanting or having a QPR. 

 

 

 

Its odd. Some don't seem to notice that they are saying the same things I am when describing relationships. And a few have said, "That's not asexual. I feel like that all the time" or even stranger, "Everyone feels like that." A "latent" aro told me romance doesn't exist. People just express friendship in different ways. 

 

Im wondering if the concept was unheard of and not talked about so much that if you didn't talk about sex much to anyone, you had no idea you were different than other people. 

 

Have you had conversations like that? Is it wrong to suggest something to them, or just let it be? 

 

---

I knew I wasn't straight, but I didn't know what I was. I think I was quicker to figure out and accept it because I was involved in the queer community in a major city in early adulthood. People talk about the queer community not accepting asexuals. I never had that problem, because I did drag king and faux queen performance. There are straight drag performers, and they might have assumed I was straight, but I naturally put off a "friend zone vibe," 

 

Anyway, Inthink that might have made me more open to the idea of asexuality than others my age.

 

opinions?

 

,

[Flygunn]

 

42 minutes ago, Velma said:

It's been surprising these days, I've been a lot more open about asexuality lately with people my own age. I am surprised that so many women I talk to don't think they are asexual, but when they describe what they want or have in their relationships, they perfectly describe an asexual ideal. I've met a few aromantics as well, who perfectly described wanting or having a QPR. 

Anthropological and psychological studies have noted that female sexual desires are often created not by certain physical traits, but also by behaviours and the ability to provide for a family.  If you wish to learn more on this subject, i would recommend checking out a splendid post made by Pramana. While lengthy, it does address parts of what you have posted in a clear and logical in depth detail. It is followed by the link/title of this embedded source:

 

[TheLittleRabbit]

@Velma Are they happy identifying as straight?  If so, there's no reason to suggest they might not be.  It sounds like you're pretty open about being asexual... I would consider that to be enough of an outreach.  If they're unhappy, or questioning on some level, they will probably ask you more about it.  But people tend to project themselves onto other people, which is part of why straight people tend to see us as straight, gay people tend to see us as gay, and we tend to see people as ace, unless if we/they behave outside of the ways that we/they expect them/us to.  Ultimately it's someone's personal decision what to identify as, so by all means provide additional information on what asexuality is, but I think it would be rude to tell someone "You might be asexual" unless they specifically ask you.

[Velma]

Good advice. I just think the woman I met who is likely aro is funny. I met her husband and he's the same way. They are both totally happy in a hetero "Boston marriage." I wouldn't bother telling her.  I don't think I'm projecting on her (or her husband) since she straight up told me romance doesn't exist. Since her husband feels the same way, it works and they both love each other's company, who cares?

 

The women I think are ace -- I might be projecting there, but they don't seem very happy about things. They are my age, single and talk about wanting to meet guys who don't want sex all the time -- or ever. I do think about the fact that we are all perimenopausal age, and for them, it might just be a hormonal thing. Since I know I'm ace and felt this way since forever, only the hot flashes get me down.

[TheLittleRabbit]

20 minutes ago, Velma said:

The women I think are ace -- I might be projecting there, but they don't seem very happy about things. They are my age, single and talk about wanting to meet guys who don't want sex all the time -- or ever. I do think about the fact that we are all perimenopausal age, and for them, it might just be a hormonal thing. Since I know I'm ace and felt this way since forever, only the hot flashes get me down.

You've might be right, but I've also found that a lot of allosexual women either exaggerate or understate things when talking about sex a lot, especially if they aren't familiar with asexuality.  They'll say "Ugh, I hate having to have sex all the time," but sometimes they really just mean, "I wish the sex was better, or just less frequent, or not when I wanted to do other things," and in this case and at this age, they might just want some romance "for a change," rather than have lost desire for sex altogether.  Which is why when we say "I don't want to have sex," they have a tendency to think that we don't really mean it, that we couldn't really mean it.

 

I'm sure there's some women who from a sexual attraction standpoint are definitely asexual but would never, ever identify as asexual... Whether or not it's healthy to live your life claiming to be a sexual orientation that doesn't match up with your sexual attraction, is one thing, but unfortunately, we can't tell people they're a sexual orientation they say they're not, if we want people to respect that we're asexual when we say we're asexual.

[Velma]

You are wise. I'm mostly the don't say anything bc it would be awkward and possibly inappropriate. Its odd because I'll accept any queer orientation without a thought. But if you're straight, I let myself think..hmm are you really? And that is not cool of me. That's kind of heterophobic of me -- if that's a real thing.

[TheLittleRabbit]

8 hours ago, Velma said:

You are wise. I'm mostly the don't say anything bc it would be awkward and possibly inappropriate. Its odd because I'll accept any queer orientation without a thought. But if you're straight, I let myself think..hmm are you really? And that is not cool of me. That's kind of heterophobic of me -- if that's a real thing.

I think as long as you're aware of heterophobic tendencies and try to improve yourself you're not really heterophobic... But I also think that those tendencies are a human response, especially for those of us who have faced discrimination as a part of "normal" life, that we subconsciously learn discrimination even if our higher mind knows that those thoughts are wrong, and it is how we respond to those urges that is a better indicator of what kind of person we are.

[Evergreen Faun]

I recently discovered that I was asexual.  Before, I identified as straight. Personally, I wish someone would have brought up asexuality sooner.  Though, to be honest, I don't know if I could have accepted it.  Conversely, allosexuals in my life had no problem *insisting,* almost to the point of bullying, that I had to have sex as part of marriage (being Christian we waited until marriage for sexuality intimacy). While I believe my marriage is my business, I do wish *someone who was close to me* would have brought up asexuality. My marriage was frought with issues of intimacy and I felt broken.  However, where I'm from anything other than heterosexuality is still very taboo. 

Upon coming out to my friends, a few of my female friends replied "yeah i have low sex drive, too" and I wasn't entirely sure that they really got it, but whateve's....

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Oddly enough, this describes my parents relationship and they were devoted to each other for decades. I say, if it works, it works. When people assume stuff about my lifestyle, I put them straight (no pun intended) to avoid any future misunderstandings!

[morganlf]

Yeah, I've also found that a more than a few older women I've spoken to have said "oh, that sounds like me!" 

 

I'm happy to live and let live as far as people self-identify but think I have a chip on my shoulder about how this affects me trying to find/date other aces around my age. If the majority of them don't even know of the concept, how am I supposed to find them? Sigh.

[daisylove]

While I agree with allowing people to self-identify as asexual, the more that we discuss it , the better. 

 

I wouldn't really know what to say to someone that doesn't identify as asexual, yet can identify with the characteristics. For me its something that longitudinally I can see has always been who I am, I just lacked a label and/or in my case the guts to live it out without a label. I'm also sex repulsed though, but pushed myself into deep denial and shame over it.