Tarfeather Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Last week I had a quarrel with my asexual girlfriend, and the past week has been the roughest of our relationship in well over a year.. With both of us seriously questioning where we'd go from here. We got past that today though, being as close as ever, and having experienced hands down one of the best days of our relationship and.. the tipping point was sex?! Basically, she asked me in the morning whether we could skip out on sex today (it's a weekly thing for us now) and I agreed. Then later I told her that I'd still like to do it, because I'd feel more secure about our relationship if I felt she was still "available".. to which she then agreed, and when she did I told her that her agreeing to it was really all I needed, and I didn't need her to actually do it.. (Yeah I know some weird psychologicky stuff going on there).. yet she still wanted to do it, and so we did have sex, and she actually enjoyed not just the physical intimacy cuddling bit (which she pretty much always likes), but also the sexual penetrative bit. "mildly enjoyed" it, to be accurate about her wording. After which, both our moods were through the roof, and we felt extremely close to each other again, and essentially had the best day ever afterward (well, best day in a while :o) And you know, I'm just confused about it? She's definitely asexual. She's never sought out sex with me other than in order to please me, she never more than "mildly" enjoyed it, and I'm pretty sure that if I never brought up sex again, neither would she. However, at the same time, when we do have sex, it can be this intimate, energetic bonding experience, not just for me, but also for her. Not always, not even most of the times we do it, but it definitely happens. [TMI detailed description of sex related things] Apart from her own assertion in words, the way I can tell she enjoys it, is because in such instances she'll be smiling or grinning through the whole thing, and when we're done she'll cuddle up her body to mine in a way that's just.. closer, more intimate, and if I didn't know any better I'd say satisfied, than when we cuddle without sexual context. It also has this kind of mix of bodily intimacy and physical exhaustion to it, which to me feels distinctly sexual. You know, her face being red like a tomato, her body being a lot warmer than usual, us being sweaty, that kind of thing. When I learned she was asexual over two years ago, I didn't think that having sex in this way with her would be possible. Well, back then I didn't think that us enjoying cuddling the way we do now would be possible, but that's different, more related to my thinking she might be aromantic back then. Anyway, I'm just baffled to learn how intimate sex with an asexual can be, while at the same time I understand that everyone is different, and there are probably many asexuals out there who could not enjoy sex in this way. And for the first 1-2 years of my relationship, it didn't look like it could be possible with my partner, either. So, apart from boasting about the fact that my partner is pretty damn amazing, and sharing my relevation that in no way shape or form do I deserve a great partner like that.. I hope maybe this story can be encouraging to other people in a mixed relationship? There's no guarantee things will turn out this way, and certainly to me there are still very important bits missing that only another sexual could provide.. However, a lot more positive change seems to be possible in such a relationship, than I would have dared hope 2 years ago. Maybe that's encouraging to some. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Hello, Tar. We’re actually going through something similar, too. We still don’t have traditional sex, but our experience is close enough to it for me to be completely satisfied physically and emotionally. The best and strangest thing is that my partner loves it, too! Maybe in another year he’ll be able to enjoy sex as well. What I’m thinking is that it wasn’t only his progress – I’ve learned to tune myself to his needs, and even genital penetration with him isn’t going to be traditional sex per se – it will be our sex. Don’t know about you two, but for us it seems like a matter of getting more insync ever so slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 I dont even ID as asexual anymore and I get way less out of sex than both of your asexual partners seem to be getting, emotionally and physically.. *backs out slowly* Link to post Share on other sites
Blondbear Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 17 hours ago, Tarfeather said: Last week I had a quarrel with my asexual girlfriend, and the past week has been the roughest of our relationship in well over a year.. With both of us seriously questioning where we'd go from here. We got past that today though, being as close as ever, and having experienced hands down one of the best days of our relationship and.. the tipping point was sex?! Basically, she asked me in the morning whether we could skip out on sex today (it's a weekly thing for us now) and I agreed. Then later I told her that I'd still like to do it, because I'd feel more secure about our relationship if I felt she was still "available".. to which she then agreed, and when she did I told her that her agreeing to it was really all I needed, and I didn't need her to actually do it.. (Yeah I know some weird psychologicky stuff going on there).. yet she still wanted to do it, and so we did have sex, and she actually enjoyed not just the physical intimacy cuddling bit (which she pretty much always likes), but also the sexual penetrative bit. "mildly enjoyed" it, to be accurate about her wording. After which, both our moods were through the roof, and we felt extremely close to each other again, and essentially had the best day ever afterward (well, best day in a while :o) And you know, I'm just confused about it? She's definitely asexual. She's never sought out sex with me other than in order to please me, she never more than "mildly" enjoyed it, and I'm pretty sure that if I never brought up sex again, neither would she. However, at the same time, when we do have sex, it can be this intimate, energetic bonding experience, not just for me, but also for her. Not always, not even most of the times we do it, but it definitely happens. [TMI detailed description of sex related things] Reveal hidden contents Apart from her own assertion in words, the way I can tell she enjoys it, is because in such instances she'll be smiling or grinning through the whole thing, and when we're done she'll cuddle up her body to mine in a way that's just.. closer, more intimate, and if I didn't know any better I'd say satisfied, than when we cuddle without sexual context. It also has this kind of mix of bodily intimacy and physical exhaustion to it, which to me feels distinctly sexual. You know, her face being red like a tomato, her body being a lot warmer than usual, us being sweaty, that kind of thing. When I learned she was asexual over two years ago, I didn't think that having sex in this way with her would be possible. Well, back then I didn't think that us enjoying cuddling the way we do now would be possible, but that's different, more related to my thinking she might be aromantic back then. Anyway, I'm just baffled to learn how intimate sex with an asexual can be, while at the same time I understand that everyone is different, and there are probably many asexuals out there who could not enjoy sex in this way. And for the first 1-2 years of my relationship, it didn't look like it could be possible with my partner, either. So, apart from boasting about the fact that my partner is pretty damn amazing, and sharing my relevation that in no way shape or form do I deserve a great partner like that.. I hope maybe this story can be encouraging to other people in a mixed relationship? There's no guarantee things will turn out this way, and certainly to me there are still very important bits missing that only another sexual could provide.. However, a lot more positive change seems to be possible in such a relationship, than I would have dared hope 2 years ago. Maybe that's encouraging to some. Well, your comment and the surprise that implies it is caused by you having accepted the AVEN definition of asexuality and "the frame" of what asexuality is, which in my opinion are clearly not accurate and sometimes even misleading. Link to post Share on other sites
sir octepus tea Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 yeah it´s a weird and confusing world we live in... Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted May 15, 2017 Author Share Posted May 15, 2017 22 hours ago, Lara Black said: Hello, Tar. We’re actually going through something similar, too. We still don’t have traditional sex, but our experience is close enough to it for me to be completely satisfied physically and emotionally. The best and strangest thing is that my partner loves it, too! Maybe in another year he’ll be able to enjoy sex as well. What I’m thinking is that it wasn’t only his progress – I’ve learned to tune myself to his needs, and even genital penetration with him isn’t going to be traditional sex per se – it will be our sex. Don’t know about you two, but for us it seems like a matter of getting more insync ever so slowly. Maybe there's a deep misunderstanding in how people in general view relationships.. So far I thought that was mostly an issue with the way media portrays relationships, and not something that applied to real relationships, however the more I get out and about, the more it seems to me that a lot of people (people my age in particular) are actually living their real life relationships that way. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 In my past (2xsexuals) relationships, a quarrel or disagreement has always ended in bed, with a "i love you so much, and though we were really angry with eachother, then we still want eachother" ...but I see how this could be awkward with my ace wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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