AMAB person in a dress

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

I just realized: it's kinda bothering me that my mom isn't really saying anything about this. I think she and my sister think that I'm enabling [Sasha] or something. I'm the one letting him go up on the garage roof and watching him wear their dresses. I don't know. Maybe I should try to stop this. But like, my mom could buy sasha his own dresses if she doesn't want him to steal hers. 

 

I haven't dared to talk to her about this again. I think that she would get defensive, especially if I told her that someone threatened Sasha.

 

I'm glad I can be here for Sasha, and that he has someone to talk to. But I also feel like my mom should talk to him about this- maybe they could even talk about safety, or at the very least, talk about boundaries. I don't know what to do.

[Kimmie.]

Yeah he probably need a parent or other adult in this as you say.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

I texted her about this. 

 

Me: would you be okay with talking to Sasha about the dresses thing? If you and/or K. (my twin's name) don't want him stealing your dresses, maybe you could get him some dresses that are actually his and are his size?

Mom: Sure. Has he been taking our dresses?

 

well, that's a first step at least. I guess we'll see how it goes from here.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

Sasha tonight: "I have something to tell you!"

Me: "what?"

"Dad said Mom might take me dress shopping!"

"oh, that's great!" I said, like I hadn't come up with that plan.  

 

I hope it actually works. It would mean so much to him- and me- for him to have his own dresses.

 

[Kimmie.]

I am so happy for him. 

[carbomb]

Do whatever you want man. (public) Schools shouldn't be in the business of regulating how students dress unless their attire displays some sort of incredibly inflammatory message / symbol.

[Ricki]

9 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

Sasha tonight: "I have something to tell you!"

Me: "what?"

"Dad said Mom might take me dress shopping!"

"Oh, that's great!" I said, like I hadn't come up with that plan.  

 

I hope it actually works. It would mean so much to him- and me- for him to have his own dresses.

 

I love how supportive your family is. I agree with you that telling them about the threats might be a bad idea BUT only if there's no weight behind it. If it is a serious issues, then steps should be taken to prevent it, if possible  

[Guest]

12 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

Sasha tonight: "I have something to tell you!"

Me: "what?"

"Dad said Mom might take me dress shopping!"

"oh, that's great!" I said, like I hadn't come up with that plan.  

 

I hope it actually works. It would mean so much to him- and me- for him to have his own dresses.

 

Awwww! This really makes my day  

[Homer]

*wants to hug @The-world-is-quiet-here and their family*

[hopeisnotlost]

I hope your brother is okay(hugs)

[Kimmie.]

Your family sound amazing when it comes support.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

My mom brought up the idea of shopping for dresses tonight. Sasha seemed open to it, if surprised. 

 

My mom asked if there was something he liked about wearing dresses, and he said he didn't know. He said he knew, but he didn't want to talk about it.

 

I'll let you all know if they go shopping for dresses this weekend  Sasha asked me if i would go with them. We'll see how it turns out! I'll try to put up pictures when it happens  

 

oh, and I asked Sasha if he had dysphoria. I described it as "not just disliking your body, but disliking that people see you as a boy." He said kinda, and when i asked about pronouns, he said his friends used they pronouns for him.

i'm glad I asked.

[Kimmie.]

I have to say that you seems to be a amazing sibling. 

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

My mom told me and my sister at dinner that she told our dad about Sasha's sexuality. She also told us Sasha doesn't know that our dad knows. 

 

I'm hoping to talk to my mom about this later tonight. I know she means well and doesn't see coming out as a big thing, but it is big. And at least in my opinion, you shouldn't oust others without their knowledge/consent.

 

also, hugs to everyone in this thread. Thank you for being so supportive and giving me a space to vent and talk stuff out. 

[Aspiring Monkey]

I'm really sorry for your brother

 

I got my first job a few weeks ago and was absolutely thrilled when I saw that I'll have a mail co-worker who's only wearing dresses. I just cannot understand how people can be so against boys/men wearing dresses. Then again, people were also against women wearing trousers... hopefully that'll change like it did with women and trousers. And soon!

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

Sasha and I talked to our mom tonight. Well, mostly Sasha talked, but they wanted me to be there.

 

My mom asked Sasha if they were cis or trans (I explained what they meant), and if they felt like a boy, and they said no. They said they wanted us to use they/them pronouns for them. 

 

We are going shopping for dresses for them in two days. 

 

After Sasha went to bed, my mom thanked me for being there and being so supportive of them, so that was really nice. 

 

That was the gist of it. My mom said a lot more stuff about "who you are and how you are", which I thought was a cool concept. 

 

I also got Sasha a notebook in case they wanted to write things down, because I know they're going through a lot right now. They aren't much of a writer, but at least it's an option.

[Kimmie.]

I am glad that your sibling has you and that they are respected. I hope everything will go well for all of you in the future.

I wish everyone could be like your family so open minded.

 

[Perissodactyla]

I'm reading this discussion with some alarm.

 

I'm 'male', but present androgynously mostly.

 

I have experienced being at risk of being threatened when I venture into more feminine presentation.

When my hair is long and my clothes are more artistic, delicate, well-designed, 'feminine', I have sometimes received verbal threats from strangers. It is scary, and my reaction is to either freeze or quickly get away. I do not confront. Or not yet.

 

I do not wear actual dresses, although I would like to explore it. But if I did, I would carry a pepper-spray gun to protect myself.

 

Even though we all have a right to dress and present as we choose, it can be interpreted by some others as a threat against their reality.

Since they are threatened, they may become angry and aggressive. If they are aggressive, one may get hurt.

 

A verbal threat is hurtful enough, so I cannot imagine how traumatic a physical attack would be.

 

So when I read this discussion several hours ago, I posted a picture of a pretty pink-colored pepper-spray gun, which can be ordered from Amazon. I was being entirely serious, since I felt a bit panicked reading about Sasha feeling threatened for wearing dresses.

 

It's very sad to imagine that a boy wearing a dress might be verbally harassed or beaten up, but this is a highly likely possibility, which I know from personal experience.

 

I became afraid reading this discussion, because it made me realize that I lack the courage or naivete to explore wearing dresses or 'dress-like' clothing, since I'm just afraid of being harassed or injured. The looks I receive once in a while are bad enough.

 

 

[Kimmie.]

@euco

You have some good points there unfortunately.

 

It is really sad that, that have happened to you.  This is the big reason why I don't wear women's clothing outside and just at home. 

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

We went shopping for dresses today. Sasha seems really happy with them- at least, with the one they've tried on.

 

They kept asking me if they "look like a girl." I asked if they wanted to, and they said yeah. 

Poor kid. I have no idea how to pass, or how to tell if someone passes or not. I mean, I think they could pass, I just don't know if they pass enough. (Or rather, too much. )

[daveb]

I've been a guy in a dress all week. Having fun with other people like me, as well as transgendered people and friends and such. Some of us like to try to look "like a girl" (or woman) some of the time. Many tips and instructional videos for passing and/or for "looking like a girl" can be found on youtube (but be careful about drag queen tips as they tend to go for very dramatic looks befitting the stage).

 

I am glad to hear they have been shopping with you and your mom and have some dresses they are happy with!

 

Some of the basics for passing come down to a few things, I think:

Hair (shaving legs; trimming or shaving other body hair like arms and chest as needed; shaving facial hair; styling hair on top of the head or using wigs)

Body (using breastforms or something to pad out a bra; sometimes even a good padded bra can work on its own to give the illusion of breast; other padding or waist-cinching and tucking male genitals, as needed or desired depending on body shapes and clothing)

Face (basically using makeup to enhance the facial features and to disguise facial attributes that may give someone away; I think the best thing is to keep the makeup subtle for starting out - it's easier to get it to look good if it's kept subtle)

Posture and movement (moving and walking and sitting and standing and such)

 

All of these tings shouldn't be overdone or exaggerated. The key is to keep things subtle and just edge over the line into feminine territory. Also, confidence helps a lot, and that can be gained by experience (and support helps!).

 

Best wishes!

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

Thank you so much @daveb! I'll definitely tell them about this  

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

My mom, Sasha and I just had the transmisogyny talk. My mom tried to explain to Sasha that, a. they can't wear prom dresses to school because nobody does that, and b. that people might be unnecessarily cruel to them because they look like they're a boy in a dress. She talked about Matthew Shepard, who was killed for being gay. She explained that Sasha can't go to the park or off campus in a dress. That they have to tell her who they're going with and where they're going to be, etc. 

 

This is why I was worried about them wearing a dress. She (my mom) explained that no one can protect them, especially if they're off of their school campus. 

 

I feel so scared and helpless. I wish I could do something to help.  I had also hoped that it wouldn't get to this point. Not that them expressing themself is bad, but because everyone else can be (will be?) so cruel, and you never want to have to tell someone that. 

[Kimmie.]

That is just so sad

[daveb]

There are places they can go to be themselves. And it is possible to go out in public dressed (although it depends on the area and how accepting it is). Safety should always be kept in mind, and fear is there to make us think and be careful. But too much fear can be paralyzing. Even cis-gendered people have to be careful about safety in many places. But it doesn't have to mean you can't go anywhere. It does mean you should be careful, be aware, don't take unnecessary risks and do take precautions.

[Ricki]

6 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

because everyone else can be (will be?) so cruel

The problem is, it doesn't have to be everyone. if you have 10000 other people, you only need 1 of them to be cruel, for it to cause issues  And to be honest, I would bet that is likely to be how it works in a lot/most situations

[Kimmie.]

15 minutes ago, Ricchan said:

The problem is, it doesn't have to be everyone. if you have 10000 other people, you only need 1 of them to be cruel, for it to cause issues  And to be honest, I would bet that is likely to be how it works in a lot/most situations

Yeah it only takes one to create a problem. And with the group mentality others will follow suit

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

Yeah it only takes one to create a problem. And with the group mentality others will follow suit

True, you only need one person to start a fire 

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

Thanks to all of you for being honest with me. I'm hoping it won't come to that, and that Sasha will know how to stay safe.

 

I forgot to mention earlier, Sasha said they wanted me to use they pronouns for them, and occasionally she pronouns. So I guess those are their pronouns, at least for now

[Kimmie.]

I wish them/her the brightest future possible. 

 

And by the way I really like there name