AMAB person in a dress

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

So recently my brother came out to me as gay. A couple days ago, we talked about it, and he decided he wanted to wear a dress to school. I asked if it would be safe, and he said he might get fun of, but that it wouldn't bother him. He also goes to an arts school, so hopefully it would be fine. 

 

He was wearing a dress (well, multiple dresses) the other night, and I painted his nails (he asked me to). We had a little fashion show and took some pictures. 

 

He said it felt good, and it felt like himself. 

 

He wore a dress at school yesterday, and the school emailed our parents to tell them. My mom said, "I don't care what he wears; I'm more worried about the mess he made in the garage."

 

I'm trying to be happy and excited for Sasha (my brother). But I keep feeling nervous for him: nervous that people will react badly, or that he'll get hurt. I don't know how to curb this anxiety. 

 

I don't think he's really out to anyone besides me. I mean, his friends know, and obviously people at school have gotten some hint that something's up, what with the dresses. But I don't think anyone in our family knows. So that makes all this more confusing.

 

I emailed him asking if he was going to keep doing this, and he said yes. 

He emailed me again later: "I'm not going to do this anymore except outside of school or at a GSA event."

Me: "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"people threatened me yesterday."

 

That's all I know for now; he hasn't emailed me back yet. I'm back to feeling scared for him. I mean, I'm happy that he's expressing himself, but obviously if it's unsafe, he shouldn't do it. *sighs* I wish the world was safer.

[Kimmie.]

I am so sorry for your brother. It is so sad that one can't dress as they wong without being threatened

 

I really feel for him but it takes courage too do what he did. But you are right he has to think of his safety. I know it is easy to say. When he as you sade feel like him self.

[Emery.]

It's sad. I'm sorry.

 

A few years ago someone on the bus tried to light my friend's clothes up, because he's gay and he looked like it - he had a feminine/androgynous air about him. I just don't get it, seriously.

[LuckofTheChuck]

27 minutes ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

So recently my brother came out to me as gay. A couple days ago, we talked about it, and he decided he wanted to wear a dress to school. I asked if it would be safe, and he said he might get fun of, but that it wouldn't bother him. He also goes to an arts school, so hopefully it would be fine. 

 

He was wearing a dress (well, multiple dresses) the other night, and I painted his nails (he asked me to). We had a little fashion show and took some pictures. 

 

He said it felt good, and it felt like himself. 

 

He wore a dress at school yesterday, and the school emailed our parents to tell them. My mom said, "I don't care what he wears; I'm more worried about the mess he made in the garage."

 

I'm trying to be happy and excited for Sasha (my brother). But I keep feeling nervous for him: nervous that people will react badly, or that he'll get hurt. I don't know how to curb this anxiety. 

 

I don't think he's really out to anyone besides me. I mean, his friends know, and obviously people at school have gotten some hint that something's up, what with the dresses. But I don't think anyone in our family knows. So that makes all this more confusing.

 

I emailed him asking if he was going to keep doing this, and he said yes. 

He emailed me again later: "I'm not going to do this anymore except outside of school or at a GSA event."

Me: "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"people threatened me yesterday."

 

That's all I know for now; he hasn't emailed me back yet. I'm back to feeling scared for him. I mean, I'm happy that he's expressing himself, but obviously if it's unsafe, he shouldn't do it. *sighs* I wish the world was safer.

For a second I thought that he was a transwomen. I feel bad for him.

[Homer]

Wait.

 

School sent a mail to your parents, telling them what he wore? That's fucked up. Whatever someone is wearing is nobody else's business, end of.

 

Also, I hope that nothing serious has happened (or will happen, for that matter!). Best of luck to both of you

[M00SE]

Hell yeah you go bro, dress to finess. Tell him to fill a fashionable bag with heavy objects so he can hurl the purse at attackers...Well thats what I would do anyway.  Id look in the schools policy handbook and see if theres any protections involving discrimination .

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

@LuckofTheChuck I don't think he's a trans woman? I mean, I think he would tell me if he identified that way. 

 

@Homer I know! That seems really unsafe, like: what if people are closeted to their parents? Thanks. 

 

*hugs everyone in this thread if they're okay with that*

[Homer]

Just now, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

 I know! That seems really unsafe, like: what if people are closeted to their parents? Thanks. 

It's not even about being closeted or not. Why does his school even care whether he's wearing a dress? Why is this something they feel they should write to your parents about? Drug abuse, ok. Violence, ok. Outfit preferences, so not ok.

[butterflydreams]

I truly don't feel the world will ever be safe for people like him. Because there's no concerted desire to make this better. 

[Kimmie.]

Yeah the world is developing way to slow

[Emery.]

I can't say nothing is done, it's the close minded right-winged beat-up-anyone-to-show-off jock type people that make the problem. They beat up "faggots" or anyone androgynous for that matter (bio-female too), black people, Muslims, weaker boys... *shrug* 

 

I second the heavy bag type thing, or for him to learn krav maga. Seriously.

[Internetlionboy]

Oh gosh! I'm really sorry to hear! ;; I can't believe that your brother got threatened because of what he wore. I hope nothing bad happened to him.

[Philip027]

Quote

It's not even about being closeted or not. Why does his school even care whether he's wearing a dress?

Because when you do something like that, you stir up the hornet's nest.  Same sort of thing with females dressing in provocative/suggestive ways, even if not to the extent that they're displaying any sort of bodily bits that they shouldn't be.

 

It's basically the school's way of saying "the students take issue with / are too distracted by this, and we don't feel like trying to do anything about them, so YOU get to do something about your kid"

 

Schools are allowed to enforce a dress code (usually with separate male/female clauses), so this sort of thing doesn't cross any sort of legal boundaries -- hence, why they do it.

[Homer]

5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Because when you do something like that, you stir up the hornet's nest.

Anything could "stir up" the hornets nest. It only indicates the hornets' stupidity. Schools shouldn't support the hornets' attitude.

 

8 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Same sort of thing with females dressing in provocative/suggestive ways, even if not to the extent that they're displaying any sort of bodily bits that they shouldn't be.

See above. Anything could be suggestive/provocative to anyone. It's too broad to draw a line which isn't blurry af.

 

9 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It's basically the school's way of saying "the students take issue with / are too distracted by this, and we don't feel like trying to do anything about them, so YOU get to do something about your kid"

Way to go, school. Clearly not the place I'd want to be at.

 

10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Schools are allowed to enforce a dress code (usually with separate male/female clauses), so this sort of thing doesn't cross any sort of legal boundaries -- hence, why they do it.

I'm glad that I live in an actual 1st world country in this regard.

[Philip027]

Quote

Anything could "stir up" the hornets nest. It only indicates the hornets' stupidity. Schools shouldn't support the hornets' attitude.

Unfortunately, they have to, because schools typically don't have the manpower/resources to go against the hornets.  Spend additional funding to put more security in the school, and the hornets will just keep doing what they're doing anyway, they'll just be more secretive about it.

 

In their eyes, getting a kid to change their clothes is just far far easier than trying to get the hornets to stop.

[butterflydreams]

58 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Because when you do something like that, you stir up the hornet's nest.  Same sort of thing with females dressing in provocative/suggestive ways, even if not to the extent that they're displaying any sort of bodily bits that they shouldn't be.

Or...it could just be that the school is playing the role of my friend when I started transitioning. He was just concerned. He wanted to know if I'd gone off the rails. Whenever people see some kind of radical departure from the norm, they can get concerned. It might be nothing more than that.

 

But this makes me think of our official policy at work (of which I'm only recently aware). Basically any dress codes we have apply to everyone equally. This means if some male (not trans) employee wants to come in wearing a skirt, they can do that and it's 100% ok. And one employee actually tested this out. He asked to wear a kilt, which the manager said was 100% fine. The same employee asked if he could paint his nails, which was also deemed totally ok. I remember before I was out, he actually commented when my nails were painted.

[Philip027]

Quote

Or...it could just be that the school is playing the role of my friend when I started transitioning. He was just concerned. He wanted to know if I'd gone off the rails. Whenever people see some kind of radical departure from the norm, they can get concerned. It might be nothing more than that.

You're giving the schools way too much credit.  They're not your friends.  They don't give a shit what you're doing as long as it doesn't make their own jobs difficult.

 

Unfortunately, in their eyes, doing something that's "causing" the other kids to target you is creating a distraction and making their jobs difficult, and if it's something that can be easily addressed (such as with a mere change of attire), they will prefer to go that route rather than go against the hornets.

 

Quote

But this makes me think of our official policy at work (of which I'm only recently aware). Basically any dress codes we have apply to everyone equally. This means if some male (not trans) employee wants to come in wearing a skirt, they can do that and it's 100% ok. And one employee actually tested this out. He asked to wear a kilt, which the manager said was 100% fine. The same employee asked if he could paint his nails, which was also deemed totally ok. I remember before I was out, he actually commented when my nails were painted.

Yeah, unfortunately, it's not like this in (most) schools, and it's likely because of situations like what the OP presents -- kids harassing the "crossdressers" and the adults finding it easier to deal with the "crossdressers" rather than the crowd.

 

In more mature environments, the more equality-focused dress codes actually have a chance of working.

[butterflydreams]

9 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Unfortunately, in their eyes, doing something that's "causing" the other kids to target you is creating a distraction and making their jobs difficult, and if it's something that can be easily addressed (such as with a mere change of attire), they will prefer to go that route rather than go against the hornets.

This is basically why I have such a problem with people who act like being "different" is cool and quirky and attractive. No. If you were really different, this kind of shit would happen to you. People will always choose to crush true individuality.

[Lady Kestrel]

What's it any of those kids business if your brother wears a dress or not! I would say he could try to get the school's help about the threats, but considering they felt the need to send your parents an email about his dress, it could be tricky.

 

He should be able to express he's wonderful self, but alas it does not seem like a safe environment to do so. I want your brother to stay safe too. There have been too many hate crimes against the LGBT+ community.

[daveb]

17 minutes ago, Maripu said:

What's it any of those kids business if your brother wears a dress or not! I would say he could try to get the school's help about the threats, but considering they felt the need to send your parents an email about his dress, it could be tricky.

 

He should be able to express he's wonderful self, but alas it does not seem like a safe environment to do so. I want your brother to stay safe too. There have been too many hate crimes against the LGBT+ community.

I agree with all of that! He should be able to freely express himself without fear of reprisals. But sadly, in the "real" world, sometimes you have to choose safety first. Hopefully he can find safe times and places to express that side of himself. At least he has people like you (the OP) to support him.

[Philip027]

Quote

This is basically why I have such a problem with people who act like being "different" is cool and quirky and attractive. No. If you were really different, this kind of shit would happen to you. People will always choose to crush true individuality.

Well, it really depends on what kind of "different" we're talking about.

 

I felt I was pretty damn different growing up, but it was more so in a way that caused me to tend to keep to myself, rather than causing others to make a conscious effort to keep me away.  I never stirred any hornets, to put it another way.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

At dinner:

 

my dad: so, how was the dress today?

Sasha, quietly: shut up.

 

later:

my grandma: does he have any nail polish remover?

 

 I feel so bad. I wish I could do more to help him. I mean, I'm going to do my best to be supportive, but I also really want him to be safe. I don't quite know where the line is drawn.

[Busrider]

7 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

I wish the world was safer.

Me too!

Upon the school's behavior: A teacher's life is simple: "Whatever you'll do is wrong!" - Let's go into details: The world looks like:

1. Maybe God (or such)
2. Law
3. Parents
4. the teacher

all above the kid, in that hierarchy. A teacher has little freedom but a chance to bypass the parents via the law. Big decisions concerning a kid are usually the parents' privilege. Unlike a priest doctor lawyer or spouse a teacher has no role that grants a right to not serve as a witness in court. If possible parents & teacher should bundle their efforts to educate into a certain direction. - That's why they meet about once each (other) year.

School noticed Sasha having a problem & informed parents for 2 reasons: a) they have a right to know. - b) Whenever you face a problem and think "oof!", it is a convenient smart and socially accepted move to ask for orders from above. Unfortunately from the school's POV the mother's reply can be summarized:" If you have a problem, then YOU(!) have a problem." Which seems the case.

 

I hope the world improves soon and also hope that Sasha won't face any bullying in school.

[daveb]

I can only say that whatever you do make sure it's clear that you are not disapproving of him and that you are not judging him. Be clear that you want to support him. It will be his decision to figure out when and how to be safe.

[Comrade F&F]

Well, I support your brother for this decision. wearing a dress is very brave.

 

I would worry for him too, and I hope he'll be okay. Perhaps he can ask friends to be escorts or so, at least until things settle down?

[daveb]

This Ted talk might be relevant.

 

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

I just talked to my mom about this. Long story short, she said it was good I was worried about him, but that I shouldn't worry too much.

 

When I brought up my concern about bullying, she told me his school was totally accepting. I should point out, I don't think she knows that he told (emailed) me he was bullied about it.

 

Also: "he's totally aware of social norms. He knows what's going to happen if he walks around in a dress." Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I feel defensive about her saying this. It kinda sounds like "oh, he was asking for it."

[LuckofTheChuck]

17 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

@LuckofTheChuck I don't think he's a trans woman? I mean, I think he would tell me if he identified that way. 

My mistake. 

[Guest]

Sometimes i really feel angry with the society we live in..

 

It took great courage of your brother to wear the dress to school, I'm sad to read it didn't go well. Hopefully he'll email you back soon

It looks like there still is alot of work to be worked on with LGBT rights.

[Internetlionboy]

15 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

At dinner:

 

my dad: so, how was the dress today?

Sasha, quietly: shut up.

 

later:

my grandma: does he have any nail polish remover?

 

 I feel so bad. I wish I could do more to help him. I mean, I'm going to do my best to be supportive, but I also really want him to be safe. I don't quite know where the line is drawn.

Oh gosh that's awful ;; Hey at least you're there to help and support him so that's what matters. Oh and safety is also what matters. I just wish the world was a more kinder place and I agree with what @Jayce said.