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Puck

What is the Hardest Part of Your Sexuality to Explain to Other People?

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Puck

When you come out to people or when you are just interacting on AVEN, is there some part of your sexuality you struggle to explain? Is there something you feel folks don't get?

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douwd20

I don't really feel I owe anyone an explanation. No one explains why they are hetero or homo or bi. 

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TheLittleRabbit

"It's real."

 

Physically, on my end, I have no trouble explaining it to people, the hard part is getting them to listen. 3/5 times I come out, the person more or less explains to me that I am still heterosexual, and I just need to be raped to realize it, which, when they say that, really makes me want to just go back into the closet, especially when they start fantasizing about someone raping me, like I've seriously been in a situation before, where the power went out, it's dark, we're in the midst of what I think is comfortable silence with someone I came out to a few days prior, and then they literally break that silence to talk about me getting fucked, and that's not even the worst coming out scenario I've had.

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SkyWorld

I think it's kind of hard in general explaining it to someone who isn't very educated about anything other than heterosexuality and cisgender. Kind of like people who claim to be "allies" to "all", but... aren't very good allies. :wacko: It's even more pain when they don't even try to be a better ally. And I'm not talking about complete strangers, but family. :mellow: 

 

Not sure how great this sounds, but I honestly regret saying anything and just keep my mouth shut. Some people just ask questions by which they don't want to hear the answer. It's best to just not give them an answer...

 

And sure, one doesn't owe them anything. Though, personally, I've accepted that part of myself for a very long time after an even longer time not completely understanding and being educated about it all. I don't necessarily feel like I have to hide and I don't want to feel like I have to. I want to feel comfortable with myself in other people's company and they don't necessarily have to know my (lack of) sexuality. I don't care if it comes up in conversation and it's relevant rather than randomly asked or brought up (because that'd be weird). I just want to be comfortable with my (lack of) sexuality, just as heterosexual people are with theirs. Apparently, that's too much to ask for. :mellow: 

 

Anyway, I feel like it's kind of best to just not explain or bring it up at all, even if it is someone close or relevant to conversation, they're likely not going to like what they're going to hear. And then it will all be downhill from there to hell. It's not worth it for someone who is passive aggressive to randomly bring it up out of nowhere to insult and invalidate you and not have the energy to explain the same thing over and over again to someone who is too stubborn to try to understand.

 

Basically what I mean for this thread is the hardest part of explaining is to those who just won't listen. It makes explaining pointless and not worth the effort.

 

At least that has been my personal experience. Yeah it wasn't always that bad, but what happened really brought me down. I don't mean to discourage anyone, but... just be careful. It could even go worse than that. :/

 

*Sorry for the pessimism. :'D

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Philip027

Honestly, nothing really.  Anyone who I'd be trying to explain my orientation to typically knows me well enough that they find it understandable in my case.

 

Nobody's been shocked to hear that I've never been drawn to anyone for sexual reasons, because they've never seen it happen.

 

28 minutes ago, TheLittleRabbit said:

"It's real."

 

Physically, on my end, I have no trouble explaining it to people, the hard part is getting them to listen. 3/5 times I come out, the person more or less explains to me that I am still heterosexual, and I just need to be raped to realize it, which, when they say that, really makes me want to just go back into the closet, especially when they start fantasizing about someone raping me, like I've seriously been in a situation before, where the power went out, it's dark, we're in the midst of what I think is comfortable silence with someone I came out to a few days prior, and then they literally break that silence to talk about me getting fucked, and that's not even the worst coming out scenario I've had.

What the fuck kind of creepy ass wastes of space do you hang out and talk orientations with?

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TheLittleRabbit
2 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

What the fuck kind of creepy ass wastes of space do you hang out and talk orientations with?

I don't know.  I spend a lot of time in the country, so I guess that probably contributes to some of the backwardsness.... And some of these people were also from foreign countries, and English was not their first language, so I always tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, telling myself that they didn't really understand how horrible the things they were saying were, and I didn't know their language to try to clear things up, but honestly, they were pretty blunt and forward about their beliefs on the matter.

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Philip027
Quote

I don't know.  I spend a lot of time in the country, so I guess that probably contributes to some of the backwardsness.... And some of these people were also from foreign countries, and English was not their first language, so I always tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, telling myself that they didn't really understand how horrible the things they were saying were, and I didn't know their language to try to clear things up, but honestly, they were pretty blunt and forward about their beliefs on the matter.

If someone was saying that kind of shit to me?  A slap/punch in the face is pretty universally understood, I think.

 

Don't give excuses for basic human indecency.  Maybe in caveman times that sort of shit would fly.  In this day and age, it shouldn't.

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orangecat

Find the right person to "explain" to.

 

It does not matter about your skills in explanation. If you say that you are not interested in sex at all to a hyper-sexual person is like telling super religious people that god doesn't exist.

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Philip027

Ehh, it's more about whether or not they are actually open and well-traveled enough to know that not everyone is like them.  This is a trait that asexuals and sexuals alike may or may not have.

 

I have a number of (at least in their own terms) very sexual friends, and they all still "get it".

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Puck
48 minutes ago, douwd20 said:

I don't really feel I owe anyone an explanation. No one explains why they are hetero or homo or bi. 

That is absolutely your choice, no one ever needs to explain anything if they don't want to :)

 

45 minutes ago, TheLittleRabbit said:

"It's real."

 

Physically, on my end, I have no trouble explaining it to people, the hard part is getting them to listen. 3/5 times I come out, the person more or less explains to me that I am still heterosexual, and I just need to be raped to realize it, which, when they say that, really makes me want to just go back into the closet, especially when they start fantasizing about someone raping me, like I've seriously been in a situation before, where the power went out, it's dark, we're in the midst of what I think is comfortable silence with someone I came out to a few days prior, and then they literally break that silence to talk about me getting fucked, and that's not even the worst coming out scenario I've had.

Sorry to hear that is your experience. :( That really is terrible. I'm glad you feel you can talk about it here, I hope you find this site to be much more accepting and understanding. I can't think of anything worse to be told when you are trying to open up to someone and tell them a truth about yourself. I hope you have distanced yourself from those people, they don't seem like someone who has your best interest in mind. There is no circumstances where that is acceptable to say to someone.

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prib23

I don't give a Puck about a fuc... That's pretty hard to fathom now days. They think I'm supposed to.

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Kelpie

I've never explained my experience using the word asexuality but it is somehow really difficult for people to grasp that no, I don't come when other people touch me and I don't want to. So many people have told me that I just need someone who knows how to handle me. The worst part is that I used to listen to them and had some encounters that weren't nice at all because I thought this would magically "fix" me. Now I know better, but it still bothers me that people think they know more about my sexual desire that I do? 

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lis_oftheearth
11 hours ago, Kelpie said:

I've never explained my experience using the word asexuality but it is somehow really difficult for people to grasp that no, I don't come when other people touch me and I don't want to. So many people have told me that I just need someone who knows how to handle me. The worst part is that I used to listen to them and had some encounters that weren't nice at all because I thought this would magically "fix" me. Now I know better, but it still bothers me that people think they know more about my sexual desire that I do? 

I understand what you mean. being told that maybe I just need to meet the right person made me think that maybe I do. I've tried to explain being ace once before a while ago but since I got all of the questions like "but how do you know "etc and it has put me off trying to explain it again.

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LizzzzzK

Well mostly they say:

'How can you not want to have sex? i cant even think about not having a physical relationship.'

Or

'Maybe you just have not met the right person, and then when you fall in love you will want to do it'

or when i say its a literal turn off when it gets too physical they say:

'....well maybe you need to try a little harder!'

When i say that i've tried and it just is not for me they give me funny looks and dismiss the idea.

They mostly dont believe it exists and that i need to try harder to find it enjoyable. I can cope with kissing but thats it, and not even full out make-out sessions just a nice, normal, slow kiss is what i can handle. More then that and i am outta there. I want a loving relationship but its almost impossible to find one when your entire full direct circle of my classmates are really sexually oriented, they talk about it every day and thats fine with me but i find it weird that when i say:'you like sex, i don't... whats so hard to understand about that?' its like saying to an apple that if it tried harder it could become a lamp..... So really just the concept of not having sex is what is most hardest to explain.

:cake:

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aeimquy159

No idea, I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else. 

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Puck
1 hour ago, aeimquy159 said:

No idea, I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else. 

I understand that feeling, I think it's hard when there is so much to learn and so many ways of think about things! But I hope being on here has given you the chance to find people who listen and understand you :)

 

1 hour ago, LizzzzzK said:

They mostly dont believe it exists and that i need to try harder to find it enjoyable. I can cope with kissing but thats it, and not even full out make-out sessions just a nice, normal, slow kiss is what i can handle. More then that and i am outta there. I want a loving relationship but its almost impossible to find one when your entire full direct circle of my classmates are really sexually oriented, they talk about it every day and thats fine with me but i find it weird that when i say:'you like sex, i don't... whats so hard to understand about that?' its like saying to an apple that if it tried harder it could become a lamp..... So really just the concept of not having sex is what is most hardest to explain.

:cake:

Sorry you have found so much resistance. I am glad you know your limits and feel safe expressing yourself here. I hope you feel understood and listened to on AVEN if not outside of this site.

 

Lots of asexuals, including many on this site, have had luck finding partners that love them for all of what they are. I'm not saying it's easy and it unfortunately takes time, but  it's possible!

 

However, I figured I'd also say, YES! People really don't get not wanting to have sex sometimes :P A good friend of mine didn't get wanting to be in a relationship without sex even. They were open to listening to me because they are a good person, but it took some explaining for sure. It's weird when something so normal to me seems so foreign to others.

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NerotheReaper

That it is valid,

 

As it has already been said a lot of us have heard, something along the lines of "you haven't found the right person yet". I am not very open about my sexuality offline, I am just private about the lack of action. I hear that it isn't a 'real sexuality' or a guy telling me "oh i bet i can change your mind". It is my body, I think I understand the best. I try to explain it and if people are open minded to it sweet, if not I don't waste time on them. 

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Puck
1 hour ago, NerotheReaper said:

That it is valid,

 

As it has already been said a lot of us have heard, something along the lines of "you haven't found the right person yet". I am not very open about my sexuality offline, I am just private about the lack of action. I hear that it isn't a 'real sexuality' or a guy telling me "oh i bet i can change your mind". It is my body, I think I understand the best. I try to explain it and if people are open minded to it sweet, if not I don't waste time on them. 

Aw, Nero! You are absolutely valid and you do know your body best. I wish other people understood or were at least open to new things, but I am so glad you feel safe to post this stuff here so you have somewhere to express it :)

 

Anyone who thinks they can "change your mind" is the worst kind of person. I hope you find more accepting people as you continue through life ^_^

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arekathevampyre

everything . From being aro ace to agendger (afab) . Basically anyone who is not on AVEN/uneducated on other sexualities/gender identities other than straight/cis will definitely have a hard time listening to me . In school , we were taught that there is only BGR (boy girl relationships) -- note that it is BOY / GIRL -- stereotyping gender binary . and also , we were NOT taught about other genders/types of relationships . :(

pretty much that is why I have stopped talking about all this , because there is no point in doing so . Even the pride event we have here only focus on LGBT and thats it . What about the subgroups under the umbrella term ? :(

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k_pixel

Luckily everyone I've told has been totally understanding and not judgemental. But I think the universal thing that they find difficult is not being able to relate (apart from my bisexual, demisexual and panromantic friend). As they're all sexual, they don't grasp that I'm not 'into it' as they enjoy it so much

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Kelpie
13 hours ago, NerotheReaper said:

That it is valid,

 

As it has already been said a lot of us have heard, something along the lines of "you haven't found the right person yet". I am not very open about my sexuality offline, I am just private about the lack of action. I hear that it isn't a 'real sexuality' or a guy telling me "oh i bet i can change your mind". It is my body, I think I understand the best. I try to explain it and if people are open minded to it sweet, if not I don't waste time on them. 

I can change your mind is so disgusting. :( I may be oversensitive due to some of my experiences but this always leaves a bad feeling. Obviously the person doesn't care what the other person wants, even if they think they're just doing them a favour. 

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malickathetato

That I'm just not interested in sex. That I just don't want to have it. So stop saying I haven't met the right person.

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Maristine

Trying to explain how demisexuality is different from just being normal.

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Visenya

I've never came out as anything, and I usually avoid explaining myself to people, but when I tried to do that, people didn't seem to understand three things:

 

1) If I had to come up with a list of people I find attractive (pretty or sexy), at least 90% of them would be women. However, it doesn't make me bi-anything. Besides, I can find a man attractive but it doesn't mean I would do anything about it. Try explaining that to people who only care about looks and you'll end up frustrated as hell.

 

2) I need to get to know someone really well before desiring to be sexual or even physically affectionate with them, which is why I don't kiss, date or hook up with anyone who isn't a close friend. In my case, it means that I have no sexual/romantic experience, despite being "way too old for that", according to society. Of course, I don't talk about that to anyone anymore because even religious people who don't believe in sex before marriage have mocked others for similar things. I prefer to keep my life private and I avoid giving stupid/petty people more reasons to pick on me.

 

3) If I'm romantically interested in someone, I can't be interested in anyone else. Apparently, I'm more monogamous than most people, and refusing to date guy #2 until my feelings for guy #1 are gone has made people think of me as childish and immature, because they thought I was "waiting for prince charming". <_<

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IceHurricane

Not me personally, but I think the hardest part of explaining asexuality is that romantic and sexual attraction aren't the same. Since I'm aro ace, it's easy for me because I can just be like yeah I'm not interested in anyone. Straight people like people of the opposite sex, gay/lesbian people like people of the same sex, bisexuals like people of both sexes, I don't like anyone. But if someone's not aro, they might get confused people like 'but you have a boyfriend/girlfriend' or 'aren't you crushing on this person tho?'. 

 

My own personal experience with explaining my sexuality is that people don't believe I don't want a partner. They're always like 'you want to be alone forever?' Or 'but you'll get lonely', etc. Like, that's what friends are for!! :lol:

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Lizzy_Bee

For me it's trying to explain how Demisexuality works and the person I'm explaining it to keeps telling me that "A lot of people are like that" because they choose to wait until they know someone better before starting a sexual relationship, and it's just so frustrating. :angry:

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TeamYellowUmbrella

This is a great topic for me, and am happy I stumbled upon it. I believe I am either demisexual or asexual, but it's difficult for me to really know.  I am a cisgender female who is more attracted to the female physique but am only romantically attracted to males. From the head down, I'm more attracted to females, but I find my attraction regarding facial features strictly male. I believe the female body is more of an aesthetic attraction than a sexual one because genitalia is not something that is a part of the attraction. Regarding this, it makes me feel shallow to have this mix of feelings that seems like neither gender is right for me or something, even though I am still romantically attracted to males and want to date them. Involving sexuality, in particular, I am not completely repulsed by the idea of sex because I enjoy outercourse and other actions that border the hazy sensual/sexual line, but I am not fond of the ideas of being penetrated, giving oral sex, or nudity of genitalia. I can't really explain my sexuality and romantic attractions without confusing everyone and even myself.

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athenahono

Personally I have difficulty explaining the gray area. People in my area already have a hard time understanding asexuality already so he gray area is the hard part to explain. Plus I just don't like to unless I'm close to them. 

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Deus Ex Infinity

The hardest part? Most probably my demiromantic tendencies. The aspect of forming a deep emotional bond first before eventually developing minor sexual attraction. Most people think I'm sick anyway because I don't want to hump every living being on the street coming my way. They just can't imagine what it feels like to be ace at all.

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Deus Ex Infinity
On 16.5.2017 at 3:07 PM, Lizzy_Bee said:

For me it's trying to explain how Demisexuality works and the person I'm explaining it to keeps telling me that "A lot of people are like that" because they choose to wait until they know someone better before starting a sexual relationship, and it's just so frustrating. :angry:

Absolutedly. Those people think they know what it's feel like but they DON'T know at all * rolls her eyes*

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