Returning to Dating with Anxiety/Phobia (Advice/Stories welcome)

[Miss Eliza Bennet]

Hi all!

 

I've been seeing a therapist for the last five months to work with my generalized anxiety disorder and overall I am doing AWESOME.  I'm ready for my last goal: to start dating.  As a demisexual dating hasn't been a necessity for me most my life (I'm 32) but in the last few years or so I've been feeling a keen yearning to make a connection and am less averse to the concept of sex and other intimate activities with others (mind you I still don't understand that mysterious "sexual attraction" that allosexuals have - I mean how WEIRD is that? ).

 

The problem is that I seem to have developed a phobia of dating.  I sometimes get mini panic attacks and get overwhelmed with all the minor details.  This is in many ways the biggest step of my therapy.  We've decided that the best solution is exposure therapy, but that means I have to, you know, date.  I at first thought speed dating is a good way to rip the bandaid, but am not thrilled with the options in my area.  So, I'm leaning towards online dating.

 

Thing is, one of the things fueling my anxiety is also asexual related because I am too much of an empathic softy and it hurts when I see guys get interested in me and I feel nothing.  (I know, in therapy we have discussed that this is not my fault but it IS a huge deal to me).  How do you guys handle the sorta friends zoning we do to people?

 

Any tips or commiserating you could share on putting yourself out there in the online dating world would be awesome.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

- Miss E

[Guest]

Its hard and i commend you for overcoming your anxiety to try again. Just be careful about people pretending to be something they are not. If you get sucked into that kind of relationship it can set you back. I wish you well in your endeavor! 

[DayDreamer~]

Well, the way I see it, what I do is anything but friend-zoning. 

 

For me, if someone were to accuse me of 'friend-zoning' the person I am dating just because I do not feel sexual attraction and don't want to do those sorts of things with them, then they clearly don't understand my point of view. To me, having an intimate emotional connection is what makes a relationship... well... a relationship! I wouldn't feel bad about not experiencing the sexual attraction because I know it isn't about not wanting to be with that person. 

 

I'm very empathetic too, and originally I did feel a bit of anxiety wondering if I would be able to hurt another person by having the lack of that attraction that I do. But that is just who I am, and they'd have to accept that. I still feel aesthetic attraction (I recognize visually appealing people) and sensual attraction (hugs and cuddles would be nice) but just nothing of a sexual nature. To me, I have so much to offer, and none of it will be friend-zoning. Yeah, I'd like my partner to also be a best friend to me, but there's a different aspect to it that I can't quite put into words. So whoever I'm with will one day need to be able to realize that just because that specific type of attraction isn't there obviously doesn't mean I can't love them.

 

Also, hello fellow Missourian! (^-^)/

(I have no advice for online dating since I myself am leaning towards staying away from it, so sorry I can't help ya there =P )

 

[Miss Eliza Bennet]

46 minutes ago, DayDreamer~ said:

Also, hello fellow Missourian!

Hello back!

 

What you said is a lot like what we discussed in therapy (that the right person will understand).  For me, it isn't really the people I date that I have this problem with it is people that I become friends with.  I don't have the greatest "he's in to me" radar since I am not "in to" just about anyone and when I realize that someone I care about thought I was flirting, it hurts.  I am working to understand that in the dating world, that not being interested is part of the game.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[Miss Eliza Bennet]

52 minutes ago, Bryonj. said:

Its hard and i commend you for overcoming your anxiety to try again. Just be careful about people pretending to be something they are not. If you get sucked into that kind of relationship it can set you back. I wish you well in your endeavor! 

Thanks for the support!  I'll keep in mind about people pretending.  I tend to think the best in people and am starting to be aware that it may not always work out for me in life.  (Don't want to stop, but maybe learn to have some skepticism.)

[Guest]

That seems to be a good approach! And youre welcome! 

[EggplantWitch]

I don't know what other dating sites are like, but OKCupid has a 'looking for friends' option that you can pick alongside or even instead of short term/long term/casual/etc, and all the people worth talking to will hopefully read that part of your profile (it's right there on the front page alongside gender and sexuality and other Basic Stuff). If you go into online dating expecting nothing more than a few pleasant or interesting conversations with people and maybe some new friends I imagine it won't be half as scary! As for friendzoning - like everyone else had said, it's part of life. You can't be into everyone and not everyone is going to be into you, and mature adults will understand that. Best of luck!

[TessaMe]

I'm 31 and only just started dating myself not too long ago (it was kind of a kick off to the new year) and went with the online approach too.  It's going to sound super cliché, but really, just be yourself and let your ambitions and personality shine.  You want someone who likes you for you after all.  Don't be afraid to take breaks from the online scene if you need them (you probably will).  And try not to take to heart any weird comments you get (though sometimes easier said then done).  I've yet to have anyone be nasty with me, but I have gotten a few guys obviously looking for one night stands.  They were promptly ignored.  For the most part, I found the whole process sometimes boring, and more often than not frustrating because most of the guys I got messages from said nothing more than a "hey."  Then when you look at their profile a lot of them either have nothing or something that's really unappealing, like creepy or immoral unappealing.  That said, they aren't all bad, and I met three very nice guys, even if it didn't end up working out or going anywhere.  I took a break after that, but will be trying again this summer.

 

2 hours ago, Miss Eliza Bennet said:

Thing is, one of the things fueling my anxiety is also asexual related because I am too much of an empathic softy and it hurts when I see guys get interested in me and I feel nothing.  (I know, in therapy we have discussed that this is not my fault but it IS a huge deal to me).  How do you guys handle the sorta friends zoning we do to people?

For me, if I feel like they're too "into" me before I have a chance to be "into" them, I freak out.  Asexuality aside, I'm not the type of person to be vulnerable or touchy feely until I'm absolutely certain I can trust the person and feel like they're serious, and that can take awhile (demiromantic?  I don't know).  Before I even realized I might be asexual, I used to always joke that I don't "give up the goods" very easily. 

 

I'm strictly a friends first type of person, but I never worried about friend-zoning because the whole point most people are on a dating website is because they want to date.  I figured if a guy liked me enough, he'd stick around.  I went into every date as if I was meeting a friend and acted the way I always am.  It seemed to work pretty well.  I mean, if you can't be friends with someone, how are you going to potentially have a long term relationship with them?  I know someone who pursued a girl for a good year.  They started as friends because she wasn't ready for another relationship, but he put a lot of time and effort into winning her heart.  They're together now and a wonderful couple. 

 

A few last tips:  I encourage you to message them first.  Don't feel pressured to respond to every message you get; sometimes it's too overwhelming when you get a lot of messages, and not all of them are going to respond to you either.  Go with the flow, and don't do anything you're not ready for.  If he wants a kiss and you're not ready, tell him.  His reaction will say a lot.  In one situation where I felt like the guy was going too fast for me, I was up front about how I felt, but it quickly became apparent his physical needs were much higher than mine and it wasn't going to work.  And, of course, be safe.

 

I've spent many hours wracking my brain over things and glued to Google search, so if you have any questions or just want to vent, feel free to PM me.  Good luck!

[Gray A-postate]

Wow, I love those tips, TessaMe. Thank you!! And I relate so much to this:

On 5/6/2017 at 5:03 PM, TessaMe said:

For me, if I feel like they're too "into" me before I have a chance to be "into" them, I freak out.  Asexuality aside, I'm not the type of person to be vulnerable or touchy feely until I'm absolutely certain I can trust the person and feel like they're serious, and that can take awhile (demiromantic?  I don't know).  Before I even realized I might be asexual, I used to always joke that I don't "give up the goods" very easily. 

I am in the same boat as you, Miss Eliza Bennet: a heteromantic (demi-ish gray-a) woman in my 30s who struggles with anxiety and the debilitating fear of hurting someone's feelings if I'm not as interested as they are. A couple of years ago until last summer--four-five years after separating from my ex-husband, the only person I'd ever kissed, etc--I worked up the courage to try out several dating apps and started accepting offers to date/meet up from men who approached me in real life, motivated by that same desire to connect.

The results of that first experiment in dating were enlightening and discouraging:

-On OkCupid, I had engaging conversations with a couple of men, but one of them didn't seem interested in meeting unless I went out of my way and the other man's personality in real life was completely different from the vibe I got online, which was a big shock and disappointment. I understand that's common, but it was so discouraging and really made me wonder how sensible an investment of my time this was

-It seemed like all I did was swipe left whether I was on Tinder or Coffee Meets Bagel. I realized I was swiping left on a lot of very beautiful men because I felt no emotional or intellectual connection to their profile descriptions. This was also very discouraging. The few times I did feel some interest while swiping through, I felt very ambivalent and agonized over whether or not it would be a good idea to contact them.
-With the men who approached me in real life, whether I got the vibe they were more interested in casually hooking up or long-term relationships, I easily felt overwhelmed by them having stronger romantic and/or sexual attraction than I was feeling. I realized I need to take things wayyyyyy more slowly--both emotionally and physically--than anyone I went out with. There was a frustrating mismatch here--I felt like I was always backing away like the cat in the Pepé Le Pew cartoons. I tentatively tried kissing a couple of the guys (initiated by them around date one or two) but it was way too soon and I couldn't connect my emotions with my body to feel anything. I realized that no matter whether or not we seem to connect and converse well early on, I have to build an emotional history with a person over time for physical contact in real life to feel natural and to connect it with romantic and sexual attraction. And I could tell that even if I kept seeing them, between dates two and three the men were already feeling rejected by my seeming lack of interest
-Due to a disconnection I have with my own feelings (something I'm working on in therapy), I needed to get home and write in my journal sometimes to really figure out what I was actually feeling. In the moment, I was so focused on the other person and the idea of 'getting them to like me', I wasn't even thinking about whether or not I liked them or noticing clear signs we weren't compatible. These mixed feelings caused a lot of anxiety.
-Like I anticipated, 'rejecting' men was very difficult, draining and anxiety-provoking, but it did start to become easier with practice and was ultimately empowering. I realized it's hard to really see or embrace what you do want if you don't feel like you can say no to what you don't want
-I also experienced a 'mini panic-attack' after accidentally 'super-liking' the one guy on Tinder I was curious about after he suggested meeting that same day (lol). This made me realize I have some deep anxiety issues around dating and relationships with men I need to work on in therapy (separate, of course, from the 'wiring' of my romantic/sexual orientation, which I can't change). After abruptly deleting all my apps in reaction, I finally mustered up the courage to reconnect with the guy from Tinder and set up a time to meet. The anxiety I felt leading up to it was crazy, but I showed up. Unfortunately, he was a no-show and I got my first 'being stood up' experience XD On the positive side, this helped lower my expectations (and anxiety?) and made me feel a sense of pride for facing my fear.

Over the past year, I've decided to stay off dating apps, etc. to invest my limited energy and time in rebuilding a sense of self I lost during my marriage and simply try to connect with people in real life in an authentic way. But I am taking notes from this thread for when I work up enough courage and energy to try another 'experiment'

I wish you the best of luck in your new adventures! My main advice from the little experience I've had would be to keep expectations very low-key at first, check in often with your own feelings and apply your strong sense of empathy to yourself (self-compassion ftw!), have something fun planned in case your meetup/date is disappointing, and approach dating as a practice in discovering what you want and don't want and allowing others to do the same. By the way, OkCupid now gives you the option of marking your orientation as asexual or demisexual, which is awesome. I hope that will make it easier to find compatible people.

[TessaMe]

Thanks for sharing @Gray A-postate  I found your story helpful as well.