Do You Have to Try Sex to Know if You’re Asexual?

[Mermaidy]

Telling people that most people (particularly women) likely need foreplay in order to experience sexual desire encourages getting raped

 

and I know anecdotes aren't evidence but all the sexual people I talk to (all my friends, their friends, etc) think this is dumb lol

[MrDane]

On 6/5/2017 at 7:40 PM, Pramana said:

It's important to keep in mind that when researchers say that a majority of women and a minority of men primarily experience responsive sexual desire, the word "primarily" should not be misconstrued to mean "only". From the research I've seen, at least, the assumption seems to be that most sexual people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire, especially when they are younger or in a new relationship. I haven't seen any research on people who only ever experience responsive desire, and the inference I would make from the evidence I've seen to date is that if you've never experienced spontaneous desire, then you probably don't experience responsive desire. Besides that, there's the important role played by sexual attraction for determining sexual orientation, so I'd reiterate my initial point about how a heterosexual man isn't likely to turn out to be bisexual through responsive sexual desire. And asking a heterosexual man to experiment sexually with another man to find out is, if anything, most likely to cause psychological distress.

Now asexuals may want to try sex for any number of reasons. And there's the subcategory of sex-favourable asexuals. I have a problem, though, with sexuals telling asexuals that they should try sexual things under the conceit that they might like it due to responsive desire, when the science doesn't support that interpretation. True, the fact that asexuals are a small minority poses challenges, but people should never be expected to change simply because they are in a minority. Asexuals shouldn't be expected to learn to like sex any more than sexuals should be expected to learn to dislike sex. I doubt that any of the psychologists researching responsive sexual desire would be impressed to see their theory used to reenforce compulsory sexuality.

If a hetero guy gets close to a gay guy and feels uncomfortable, then that is where the border is. I dont want anyone to try things, that they are uncomfortable with. if the mere thougth about it gives you the jitters, then dont do more. I am just trying to say:

1. Under some circumstances, it can be difficult to know your default setting. i do believe some people learn who/how they are as time goes by.

2. Those experiencing only responsive desire may not feel like having sex until they are actually doing it. "I do feel a bit like i dont want to be touched, but i know that it is nice once we get over the first hurdle. Ok, let us try today and please remember to respect it, if I have to stop and not finish this project!" 

3. Not everyone, but 99% is not asexual. Assuming that someone migth be sexual is based on good and solid ground. Accepting that they migth be asexual is also the rigth thing to do. 

4. I think AVEN has a policy about not labelling eachother, but I see some being quite quick with the asexual label. 

 

If you dont want to take the babysteps, then thats where your borders are, but they may move during other circumstances.

 

[Pramana]

6 minutes ago, MrDane said:

2. Those experiencing only responsive desire may not feel like having sex until they are actually doing it. "I do feel a bit like i dont want to be touched, but i know that it is nice once we get over the first hurdle. Ok, let us try today and please remember to respect it, if I have to stop and not finish this project!" 

From what I've read, this isn't an accurate characterization of responsive desire theory. It's not as though people never have any inclinations for partnered sex at all, and then slowly develop this through baby steps. Responsive desire theory focuses on people who are sexually attracted to others, and who are motivated to have sex for various reasons, but have difficulty getting in the mood on particular occasions.

Sure, asexual people might wish to experiment and may learn to enjoy certain forms of physical intimacy, but that's not the same thing as responsive desire. I'm concerned that responsive desire may be used as wishful thinking on the part of sexual people who want to be sexual with those who aren't interested. The way that responsive desire theory is sometimes articulated, I don't even see how any sexual person is expected to know whether or not they want to be sexual in advance.

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, Mermaidy said:

Telling people that most people (particularly women) likely need foreplay in order to experience sexual desire encourages getting raped

It might just be the state my brain is in right now that's making it difficult to grasp this sentence, but could you elaborate? Like, do you mean that people will assume that if someone doesn't want to have sex with them at that time, they can force "foreplay" on them for that person's sexual desire to follow?

[Mermaidy]

1 hour ago, Snao Çoñé said:

It might just be the state my brain is in right now that's making it difficult to grasp this sentence, but could you elaborate? Like, do you mean that people will assume that if someone doesn't want to have sex with them at that time, they can force "foreplay" on them for that person's sexual desire to follow?

an asexual goes to try sex acts because maybe he will experience "responsive sexual desire." during the sex acts he does not experience "responsive sexual desire" but freezes and cannot say anything or stop it.  it encourages people putting themselves into dangerous situations to figure that out (if people describe RSD in a way where the asexual/any person has no inclinations toward sex but is still likely sexual because "that's what RSD is" - since I've noticed in some threads where people mention RSD, that's what they sound like they're implying)

 

I want to add that the sexual partner would have no way of knowing that the asexual can't say anything for the most part 

[Kavess]

I think I'm sexual repulsed, so I don't want to have any sexual contect unless I would force myself, which I don't want to do.

So I would either have to force myself to know that I don't like sex, or live without this experience and knowing that I can't say am I asexual or not. Doesn't sound well to me

[MrDane]

@Pramana (tmi warning about sexual stuff) you may be rigth, and im mostly talking from a personal experience about 'responsive desire'! You seem to know what you are talking about. Im just a sexual guy, who tries to find a way around this thing, so I can have sex and live happily with the way I get it, though I dont get it as often or in a way, that I would really like. (Just plain ol' desire for sex/me!)

let me give it a last attempt to express my thougths. My wife never feels the need for or lust for sex and often feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. Dont like to be naked, feel awkward about the idea of sex. Doesnt really think about it.Once in a while she agrees to have sex, and this is mostly about keeping me relationship-happy, but as we get under the sheets and are past the first uncomfort-zone, then she starts to relax and actually want my touch/stimulation of her vajayjay to continue. It can be a bit of a race towards her climax, but she seems to enjoy it that way. She responds to my stimulation with a desire to keep it going, and as it is over, it was a good experience. But she does not crave it again. Her default mind-set doesnt need it again. Kind of how you feel after having finished a lovely abricot dessert. It was good, and soothing for my tastebuds, but i dont really need to have abricot dessert again or at least not to soon. 

 

[MrDane]

Nobody should force anyone to anything. And "no!" Always needs to be respected. Always! 

...But I could ask: are you willing to try to cuddle under the sheets and let me try to touch you?

...and she could say: 'not really!' Or 'if it means a lot to you, but i migth freak out!' Or "whoa, partner! Slow down! Let us start of by holding hands some more!"

 

if you know, that your partner is uncomfortable, then stop and find out if backpaddling is better than forward strokes.

 

but we, sexuals, are not mindreaders and we need help/communication to understand what makes you tick or untick!

[pocketrocket]

a year ago i tried sex for the first time and well all ican say was this. i wasnt aroused. it was boring. it hurt. ok yeah yeah you can say it probably wasnt the right person but really it wasnt a great experience HAVING SAID THIS im still kinda glad i tried it cause now im like yeah casual sex defo isnt for me and who knows maybe im ace maybe im not but

for now, i know im way less curious about sex because after several sexual experience i have been barely aroused, as some people say on here, its like a "switch off" button- even when i find them aesthetically and romantically attractive!!!

[pocketrocket]

On 2017-5-7 at 3:36 PM, shadesogrey said:

For me, trying things in small steps over the past 20 years has been useful and helpful, though at times also difficult and upsetting.  For me, just because I don't want to fuck doesn't mean I want to be alone or don't value intimacy.  Also, in a relationship with a sexual person, there is value in doing what works for the other person, and compromising on our desires to some extent.   

 

I think that in all areas of life, there is a lot of learning to be done when we go outside our comfort zone.

 

As a mostly hetero-aligned cis-man I would probably even try PIV sex once if that were possible.  

yes, i think trying new things but only with people you trust and who care about you, and baby steps  even so you cant completely change someones orientation  but like me, ive never had a relationship, im a 19 year old hetero(gray/demi) female and i feel like having never had a long emotionally and physically intimate relationship has meant im still yet to feel certain sexual feelings, specifically sexual attraction to people, strangers in particular??

[Topi]

I don't think people need to try sex, but maybe try little things and could lead to sex. Step by step, knowning fully well that their partner would stop if think were going to fast or if you understood that these things weren't for you. This all if you truly feel like you are missing something by not doing sex or are genuinely curious of the act, not because pressure or any other silly thing that society wants from you.

 

It's like with food, you can say you don't like tomatoes without trying them, but one day you try and you have two chances: A) You like it and may even think about eating it again or B) you still don't like it and feel like it was a waste of time trying. But at least you tried it and now can truly say that tomatoes aren't for you. 

 

The same may happen with sex. I'm not saying people should just jump at an opportunity, but that they should think very well, find a person they trust if they decide to try something and make rules, limits and bonderies for the things they want to experiment and MOST importantly state that when they feel like stopping the play has to really stop. If not that will go into the rape pathway.

 

People may not feel sexual because they hadn't tried any sexual things. Maybe they need a sexual awakening, while some even trying will never get that, some may become sexual. 

 

I speak for myself, I never tried anything sexual with someone, because I never cared for that, but i'm open to one day try, only if I really feel like I want to. Not for pressure from everyone surrounding me, but because I truly, really want to try it. That day may come or not, but that only the future can tell me and that is why I don't care about labels. 

[aeimquy159]

I don't need to be kicked in the dick to know I won't like it. 

[Pramana]

On 5/8/2017 at 4:45 PM, MrDane said:

@Pramana (tmi warning about sexual stuff) you may be rigth, and im mostly talking from a personal experience about 'responsive desire'! You seem to know what you are talking about. Im just a sexual guy, who tries to find a way around this thing, so I can have sex and live happily with the way I get it, though I dont get it as often or in a way, that I would really like. (Just plain ol' desire for sex/me!)

let me give it a last attempt to express my thougths. My wife never feels the need for or lust for sex and often feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. Dont like to be naked, feel awkward about the idea of sex. Doesnt really think about it.Once in a while she agrees to have sex, and this is mostly about keeping me relationship-happy, but as we get under the sheets and are past the first uncomfort-zone, then she starts to relax and actually want my touch/stimulation of her vajayjay to continue. It can be a bit of a race towards her climax, but she seems to enjoy it that way. She responds to my stimulation with a desire to keep it going, and as it is over, it was a good experience. But she does not crave it again. Her default mind-set doesnt need it again. Kind of how you feel after having finished a lovely abricot dessert. It was good, and soothing for my tastebuds, but i dont really need to have abricot dessert again or at least not to soon. 

I think what you describe sounds more like physical arousal and stimulation than responsive sexual desire. Many asexual people masturbate and can enjoy the associated physical sensations, and the body responds in such a way that people often want that process to continue once it has started.

On the other hand, with responsive sexual desire, the person is enthusiastic about having a partnered sex life but wants the other person to initiate. Unlike an asexual person, a responsive desire person wouldn't be just as happy to go through life without having sex. Of course, in saying that, I'm merely going by your description plus the moderate amount of reading that I've done on the topic. I would also add that an asexual person may well learn to enjoy some partnered sexual activities in the way you've described, but I think that responsive sexual desire is something else.

[cooliocool]

No. An analogy: you don't have to get stabbed in the hand first in order to know that you don't want to get stabbed in the hand. Sexual attraction is the same thing. Sexual attraction and sex isn't food that you should try first in order to know that you would like it or not. 

[Rhaenys]

Tomorrow I'm going to grind on a coconut tree to see if I'll become a nutsexual 

[MakeupJunkie4]

On 5/5/2017 at 2:24 PM, SimplyAce said:

For f*cks sake (no pun intended) 

Sexual attraction is a thing. And no you don't have to try sex to know if you're asexual.

 

This. ^ 👍

[MakeupJunkie4]

On 5/11/2017 at 6:43 AM, aeimquy159 said:

I don't need to be kicked in the dick to know I won't like it. 

 

1 hour ago, Lemonasculine said:

No. An analogy: you don't have to get stabbed in the hand first in order to know that you don't want to get stabbed in the hand. Sexual attraction is the same thing. Sexual attraction and sex isn't food that you should try first in order to know that you would like it or not. 

Agreed! Well put! 👏