lilkawaiivampire Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 So, I need some advice. My best friend in the whole world recently admitted to having sexual fantasies about me and is trying to figure out ways to turn me on. I'm asexual and sex-repulsed. He also has a girlfriend and she doesn't know about this stuff--which, of course, bothers me even more. Every time we hang out, he's really touchy and I'm always too scared to say anything. I'm afraid I'll make him angry or upset. It's causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety because he told me he can barely control himself when he's around me, so I'm really scared. He's my best friend and I love hanging out with him, but I don't know if I can trust him not to lose it anymore. He always apologizes later for being to touchy and making me uncomfortable and scared, but it makes me wonder if he'll ever try to force himself on me, then just apologize later, expecting everything to be fine.To make all of this 1000x worse, he makes me really happy, knows almost all my secrets, and is pretty much all I have, so I don't want to do or say anything that could cause me to lose him. I've tried to work up the courage to talk it out with him, but any mention of sex usually causes me to shut off and get super uncomfortable. It also makes him feel awkward too, but I know we need to discuss this and figure everything out. I know I'm probably being ridiculous, but I'm just so afraid of setting him off or something. He's very aware of my sexual orientation and of where I stand religiously and I'm sure he doesn't mean to make me so scared and uncomfortable because he does apologize. He's just...impulsive and I don't know what to do or how to approach this situation. How would I broach such a subject anyway? It's just so awkward and it makes me feel violated. Please, if anyone has any advice on what to do, please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Podsnap Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 10 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: Every time we hang out, he's really touchy and I'm always too scared to say anything. I'm afraid I'll make him angry or upset. It's causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety because he told me he can barely control himself when he's around me, so I'm really scared. He's my best friend and I love hanging out with him, but I don't know if I can trust him not to lose it anymore. He always apologizes later for being to touchy and making me uncomfortable and scared, but it makes me wonder if he'll ever try to force himself on me, then just apologize later, expecting everything to be fine. Stay away from him. 12 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: I know I'm probably being ridiculous, but I'm just so afraid of setting him off or something. You are NOT being ridiculous. STOP associating with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Swiggity Swooty Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Try to talk to him. I used to have a crush on my best friend (but we're both girls) and i told her and we sorted it out and made certain boundaries. Turns out she's gay though. But anyway just tell him how you feel and remind him how repulsed/scared u feel about sex and the fact that he already has a GIRLFRIEND!!! If all else fails, just say you're totally turned off by him because you've been best friends for so long. If he tries anything else, say that you're uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Podsnap Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 You say you're afraid of him. Is there someone you can talk to about this in real life? Link to post Share on other sites
God of the Forest Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 29 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: So, I need some advice. My best friend in the whole world recently admitted to having sexual fantasies about me and is trying to figure out ways to turn me on. I'm asexual and sex-repulsed. He also has a girlfriend and she doesn't know about this stuff--which, of course, bothers me even more. Every time we hang out, he's really touchy and I'm always too scared to say anything. I'm afraid I'll make him angry or upset. It's causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety because he told me he can barely control himself when he's around me, so I'm really scared. He's my best friend and I love hanging out with him, but I don't know if I can trust him not to lose it anymore. He always apologizes later for being to touchy and making me uncomfortable and scared, but it makes me wonder if he'll ever try to force himself on me, then just apologize later, expecting everything to be fine.To make all of this 1000x worse, he makes me really happy, knows almost all my secrets, and is pretty much all I have, so I don't want to do or say anything that could cause me to lose him. I've tried to work up the courage to talk it out with him, but any mention of sex usually causes me to shut off and get super uncomfortable. It also makes him feel awkward too, but I know we need to discuss this and figure everything out. I know I'm probably being ridiculous, but I'm just so afraid of setting him off or something. He's very aware of my sexual orientation and of where I stand religiously and I'm sure he doesn't mean to make me so scared and uncomfortable because he does apologize. He's just...impulsive and I don't know what to do or how to approach this situation. How would I broach such a subject anyway? It's just so awkward and it makes me feel violated. Please, if anyone has any advice on what to do, please help me. By not saying "No" to begin with, youre leading him on and youre letting things build and giving him the wrong Idea by not having said anything sooner, its ok though, I understand youre scared. If youre scared for your physical safety, play it cool and get him somewhere in public where there are lots of people (dont make a scene, but you'll feel safer with people around) and have the conversation that you probably should have had sooner. Tell him no, tell him you deeply care about him but he wants something you cannot give and if he cares about you he will understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 36 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: He's very aware of my sexual orientation and of where I stand religiously and I'm sure he doesn't mean to make me so scared and uncomfortable because he does apologize. Yes, he does. He means to do it because if he didn't, he would respect your boundaries that were set out to begin with. Apologizing doesn't mean he didn't mean to do it. It means he's sorry that you didn't react the way he wanted you to. It's a manipulation and abuse tactic. Link to post Share on other sites
aeimquy159 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 33 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: My best friend in the whole world recently admitted to having sexual fantasies about me and is trying to figure out ways to turn me on. I'm asexual and sex-repulsed. He also has a girlfriend and she doesn't know about this stuff--which, of course, bothers me even more. RUN! 34 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: Every time we hang out, he's really touchy and I'm always too scared to say anything. I'm afraid I'll make him angry or upset. It's causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety because he told me he can barely control himself when he's around me, so I'm really scared. RUN REALLY FAST! 35 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: He always apologizes later for being to touchy and making me uncomfortable and scared, but it makes me wonder if he'll ever try to force himself on me, then just apologize later, expecting everything to be fine. If he was sorry he'd stop doing it, again RUN! When someone continually breaks my boundaries they're out of my life no matter how close I am to them. I can always make a new best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
fiѕh Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 You shouldn't avoid upsetting him. He knows he makes you uncomfortable, and keeps doing it anyway. That has nothing to do with impulsive, it's just insensitive and disrespectful. I don't think you should stay friends with him either. There's no way he doesn't know what he's doing, because he apologizes, so he has to know it's wrong. And there's no way it just keeps happening this much accidentally. Nobody is that stupid. But that wasn't what you asked about - just give it some thought anyway. Imo it's best you bring it up whenever you can, just say you have to talk to him. There won't be any good moment for it so don't torture yourself by waiting for one. Tell him no more apologies, he has to stop it. Cause he really does and you shouldn't give him any room to make excuses. He obviously knows you aren't interested and that he scares you and saying sorry every time is manipulative at best. I get that you value the friendship, but the way I see it, risking to lose him is your best shot here. Again, I REALLY don't think you should keep contact at all, but we all can't tell you not to. So if you give that friendship a chance, that's my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLittleRabbit Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 This guy is not your friend. I'm on the side of everyone telling you to get away from him. He knows what he's doing wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't apologize for it. If he cared about you, he wouldn't keep doing it. He is manipulating and taking advantage of you. If you really feel like you need to have an honest discussion about your real feelings/lack of sexual desire, do it in a public place as others have suggested, just be willing to accept it probably won't bring you the closure you want. Jerks that don't understand no have a tendency to interpret "I'm not sexually interested in you at all" as "Please force yourself upon me." Link to post Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire Posted May 5, 2017 Author Share Posted May 5, 2017 11 minutes ago, podsnap said: You say you're afraid of him. Is there someone you can talk to about this in real life? No, unfortunately, there isn't anyone I can talk to in real life for a few reasons: 1. He's my only friend and only person I trust 2. I don't want to get him into any trouble 3. Talking about things like this in person makes me feel embarrassed and dumb 4. My parents and homeschool teacher don't take things like this seriously Link to post Share on other sites
ItWasNiceKnowingYou Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 No offense but I agree with everyone above about not keeping up contact with him. I imagone it's hard to let someone who means a lot go. I've been in a similar situation amd i wasn't as persistent with boundary setting & letting sh*t slide that made me uncomfortable. BOUNDARIES WERE DEFINITELY CROSSED!!! DO NOT be afraid to hurt his feelings & make him angry because he is not giving a damn about yours. If he was, he would stop what he's doing. He is only thinking about his benefit. Not yours nor your wellbeing. This not a friend. red flags are written all over this situation Actually this is freaking harrassment. Even if no one you know takes this seriously, YOU take it seriously. This is not a joke or something to brush under the rug. You say no. No means no. You mean it & you get the hell away from that dude. He really is abusing your trust Link to post Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire Posted May 5, 2017 Author Share Posted May 5, 2017 14 minutes ago, King of the Forest said: By not saying "No" to begin with, youre leading him on and youre letting things build and giving him the wrong Idea by not having said anything sooner, its ok though, I understand youre scared. If youre scared for your physical safety, play it cool and get him somewhere in public where there are lots of people (dont make a scene, but you'll feel safer with people around) and have the conversation that you probably should have had sooner. Tell him no, tell him you deeply care about him but he wants something you cannot give and if he cares about you he will understand that. I did tell him several times that it was making me uncomfortable and brought back bad memories and I also made it clear to him I do not want sex and do not like being touched inappropriately. But if I did accidentally lead him on, then that's my own fault and I do need to make it right. Thank you, I hadn't thought about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Tyke Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Losing a friend, a best friend even, is really scary. But someone who makes you scared... isn't a friend. So to become (I typed 'remain' originally, but that's not consistent with the above) your friend he has to modify his behaviour. And significantly and immediately. I'd suggest, as a minimum, that you tell him that you don't want to hang with him for the next week. And why. A cooling off period, if you like. You've explained it well to us. If you can't get the words out print your original post and hand it to him. And walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade F&F Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 You have to talk to someone. If he honestly cannot control his impulse (And sincerely believes he cannot) it's only a matter of time before he acts on it. If you have no one in real life, there are hotlines available for these situations. Look them up. This is serious. And if he is leading on these impulses, he might need psychiatric help. If you want to be a true friend, get him the help he needs, before he makes a mistake and does something you will both regret. Link to post Share on other sites
aeimquy159 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 5 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: No, unfortunately, there isn't anyone I can talk to in real life for a few reasons: 1. He's my only friend and only person I trust 2. I don't want to get him into any trouble 3. Talking about things like this in person makes me feel embarrassed and dumb 4. My parents and homeschool teacher don't take things like this seriously 1. He's not your friend 2. What trouble? If you tell him GTFO of your life what trouble does he get in? 3. So do I and many others. Feeling like that is the human condition. 4. Then you have to take it seriously, very seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimesis Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Sometimes the scariest thing about a situation is that we don`t know whether our emotions are acceptable, legitimate, whatever. I am a highly sexualized person, so listen to me when I say your friend`s behavior is not acceptable, and that your reaction is natural. It doesn`t matter much if you are sexual or asexual -- the situation would be almost the same. I say almost, because as he knows you are asexual, so he is not behaving like a real friend. Remember: you are not at all being ridiculous. There is this fact about his having a girlfriend that makes what he is doing unacceptable and that is it. And I don`t even think this is the most important factor. Look, I don`t know where you`re from, but I`m from Brazil, a country where friends touch each other`s shoulders, arms, hands, backs, almost all the time. Brazilians have no sense of invading somebody`s space. We hug and kiss each other`s cheeks. So, if you were a Brazilian, I could understand your friend forgetting you don`t like to be touched. I could expect some light touches in this case before he noticed what he was doing. But I lived in the USA for a while, and if an American touched me the same way a Brazilian does, I`d feel uncomfortable, because I know this person would be behaving in an inappropriate way (some kinds of touching are ok there, but I don`t want to get into too many details). What I mean is, unless you are from a culture like mine, his touching you is not ok. He can`t claim he forgets about your aversion to touch, if it is not something everybody does. Now, as to his being "barely able to control himself" when he`s around you, this is simply creepy. This is not the way sexualized men behave. Period. Only sexual predators behave this way. I have highly sexualized friends and I`ve been around sexual predators. There is a whole world of difference. Highly sexualized decent men are repulsed by the way sexual predators behave. I could understand his difficulty in controling himself if you two are cuddling naked in bed, but then a decent guy would not get into this situation, knowing how they would feel. Sexual people don`t feel attracted to everybody. I never got sexually involved with a friend who became attracted to me if I didn`t feel the same way toward him. I lost a friend once because of this. He simply grabbed me and tried to kiss me when I told him I could not reciprocate. I almost got a crick in my neck trying to avert his mouth, but at that moment I felt so repulsed and scared by his behavior that I shoved him hard and never met him again. I don`t regret it. Very different from another friend who tried to kiss me, I turned my head so that he wouldn`t reach my lips, and he accepted it. He said "sorry" and understood, and after that I knew I could trust him. Treat yourself with all the respect you deserve, even if, for some reason, you believe you don`t deserve it. In this case, pretend you deserve all the respect, treat yourself accordingly and look for psychological help to solve the problem with self-respect). Because you do deserve all respect. Do not get sexually involved with this guy so as not to lose a friend. If he demands it, he is not a friend. If he demands it, he is manipulating you. Accept it an move on before you get hurt. As to how to talk with him, tell him that even talking about sex makes you uncomfortable and scared, and that as he is your friend you are sure he can understand it. Tell him you`re counting on him to not try anything anymore, because you don`t want to lose your friendship. This way you communicate to him that if he persists in this behavior you won`t accept him as a friend. Turn the table on him. He seems to be counting on your fear to lose a friend. Face this fear and put your friendship to the test. If he is a real friend he will never try anything anymore. If you have any questions, I`ll be glad to answer them. I hope I can be of some help. Link to post Share on other sites
fiѕh Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 1 minute ago, lilkawaiivampire said: I did tell him several times that it was making me uncomfortable and brought back bad memories and I also made it clear to him I do not want sex and do not like being touched inappropriately. But if I did accidentally lead him on, then that's my own fault and I do need to make it right. Thank you, I hadn't thought about that. I assume King phrased things unfortunately and didn't mean to say it's your fault. Well either way, it really isn't. You made yourself very clear, and you aren't leading him on. Don't let anyone tell you that you did (including and especially him). Link to post Share on other sites
God of the Forest Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 10 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: I did tell him several times that it was making me uncomfortable and brought back bad memories and I also made it clear to him I do not want sex and do not like being touched inappropriately. But if I did accidentally lead him on, then that's my own fault and I do need to make it right. Thank you, I hadn't thought about that. If you already made it clear that you dont want sex then you already did your part. The rest his on him Link to post Share on other sites
Mimesis Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 1 hour ago, lilkawaiivampire said: I did tell him several times that it was making me uncomfortable and brought back bad memories and I also made it clear to him I do not want sex and do not like being touched inappropriately. But if I did accidentally lead him on, then that's my own fault and I do need to make it right. Thank you, I hadn't thought about that. Wait a moment! Now I will give you some different advice: RUN! You have already made it clear enough! You are at great risk of being sexually attacked! YOU CANNOT HAVE ACCIDENTALLY LED HIM ON! It is like pedophiles blaming the child! It`s NOT YOU who is leading him on, it is himself leading him on! Link to post Share on other sites
ItWasNiceKnowingYou Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 11 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: I did tell him several times that it was making me uncomfortable and brought back bad memories and I also made it clear to him I do not want sex and do not like being touched inappropriately. But if I did accidentally lead him on, then that's my own fault and I do need to make it right. Thank you, I hadn't thought about that. NONONONNONONONONONONNONONONONONNONONONONONONONNO NO!!!! None of this is your fault. Especially since is not the first time you've clearly told him about this. And please DO NOT follpw any of the guilt tripping bs he will probably try to feed you. Long story short, this has to end NOW. This is not okay nor is it safe. We can help as much as possible but you need to cut all ties completely. It has not gotten better with just dismissing or excusong his behavior. Je jas a gf on top of that?! Oh no no no no no. That's taking full advantage of you & will only hurt you more. Get the hell out of this association with him. Quick Link to post Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire Posted May 5, 2017 Author Share Posted May 5, 2017 Thank you so much for all of the advice! It is really helpful and I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate it. All of you are so wonderful for taking time out your day to give advice to some random teenager and I can't thank you enough! Obviously, I'm a very naive girl, so thanks to all of you I have better knowledge of what would classify as red flags and direct manipulation and I really appreciate it because being naive is kind of dangerous nowadays. I have a general idea of some different ideas and tactics on how I can properly handle this and what to do now. Again, you all are absolutely wonderful and I hope you all have a blessed and fantastic day! ~ LilVamp Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Even if you don't want to lose the friendship this is unacceptable and he knows that like everyone else has pointed out...otherwise he would not be apologizing. So don't put this on yourself, you have been really clear with him even opening up about your sexuality to him and how it makes you feel bad with talks of sex. He should be thrilled you have shared such important information about yourself to him and instead he disregards it entirely disrespecting you. I would recommend to be short and concise and say that you care about him as a friend only and won't ever have sex with him. If he doesn't respect this and keeps touching you inappropriately you won't have anything to do with him. From what you are saying that you have told him several times and he still persists...this is definite red flags with signs of abusive behavior. He is not the best friend you know anymore, as then he would not do this. He might have issues, but they are not yours. Take care of yourself first and foremost and stay away from someone that is making you feel bad. Take time away from him, if he gets a chance again he will have to prove it to you that he won't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
ItWasNiceKnowingYou Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 9 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: Thank you so much for all of the advice! It is really helpful and I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate it. All of you are so wonderful for taking time out your day to give advice to some random teenager and I can't thank you enough! Obviously, I'm a very naive girl, so thanks to all of you I have better knowledge of what would classify as red flags and direct manipulation and I really appreciate it because being naive is kind of dangerous nowadays. I have a general idea of some different ideas and tactics on how I can properly handle this and what to do now. Again, you all are absolutely wonderful and I hope you all have a blessed and fantastic day! ~ LilVamp *hugs* Please take care, Love. We will be here if you need any other support. Just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be careful & get out of there. I see no way of this ending well. Talking isn't doing anything. You deserve & can find better friends that don't come with his manipulative behavior. Like what was said in every post on this thread, this is not a friend by any means. And sometimes letting go completely is the best thing you can do for your health.... And maybe him seeing you taking this seriously & seeing his behavior cost him a "friend" (really we can't even call it a friendship) will prompt him to get the professional help he needs Link to post Share on other sites
God of the Forest Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 48 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: Thank you so much for all of the advice! It is really helpful and I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate it. All of you are so wonderful for taking time out your day to give advice to some random teenager and I can't thank you enough! Obviously, I'm a very naive girl, so thanks to all of you I have better knowledge of what would classify as red flags and direct manipulation and I really appreciate it because being naive is kind of dangerous nowadays. I have a general idea of some different ideas and tactics on how I can properly handle this and what to do now. Again, you all are absolutely wonderful and I hope you all have a blessed and fantastic day! ~ LilVamp come back and give us an update so we know youre safe Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 He is NOT your friend. A friend does not touch you without your permission, pressure you, scare you or effectively threaten to rape you (by saying he can't control himself). Get away from this guy, he is dangerous and manipulative, whether he means it or not. If you still feel frightened tell someone in authority; a school is obligated to look after your welfare and make sure you're safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimesis Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 55 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said: Thank you so much for all of the advice! It is really helpful and I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate it. All of you are so wonderful for taking time out your day to give advice to some random teenager and I can't thank you enough! Obviously, I'm a very naive girl, so thanks to all of you I have better knowledge of what would classify as red flags and direct manipulation and I really appreciate it because being naive is kind of dangerous nowadays. I have a general idea of some different ideas and tactics on how I can properly handle this and what to do now. Again, you all are absolutely wonderful and I hope you all have a blessed and fantastic day! ~ LilVamp Please, keep us updated. Take good care of yourself, and don`t put yourself at risk. Your so-called friend seems to have a lot of sociopathic (or psychopathic) traits. Do some research on that. It can only help, as you`ll be able to recognize possible traits in the future, even if the description doesn`t apply to him. And remember we`re here to help! Link to post Share on other sites
Scase Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 He's totally using your position to try to get to you. Really really not someone you want to Hangout with if he's using his power over you to try to get something from you. If he touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, slap the crap out of him, and gtf away from him. That's some really shady stuff he is doing. I think a sexual person would be uncomfortable in your situation too... I know Internet people aren't quite the same as real people, but if you feel like he's the only real friend you can talk to simply because other people are more difficult, feel free to pm me, or probably anyone in this forum! I'm pretty sure we'd all be happy to chat if you needed to vent, or just wanted to make new friends! Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 2 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said: I did tell him several times that it was making me uncomfortable and brought back bad memories and I also made it clear to him I do not want sex and do not like being touched inappropriately. But if I did accidentally lead him on, then that's my own fault and I do need to make it right. Thank you, I hadn't thought about that. NO! This is how he WANTS you to think! It's how he manipulates you into feeling badly for having and enforcing boundaries! NOTHING about this situation is your fault! I don't give a flying fuck if you wore only a lace bra and crotchless panties around this fuckweed, if you don't want to be touched HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU OR MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. This entire situation is SOLELY HIS FAULT. Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade F&F Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Please, keep in contact with us - we are genuinely concerned for you, and hope you stay safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.