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My partner is uninterested in a sexual relationship


Bitternotsweet

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Bitternotsweet

I am a very sexual girl, and have been with my current bf for about three years. I feel like a complete tool for how long it's been. He is the most non sexual  person I've ever met. In the beginning we used to have a little sex (always initiated by me) and then it got to where he'd give me oral if I asked, but I got sick of asking and now there's no sexual component to our relationship whatsoever, and I straight want to die because of it.

I have expressed all this and more to him a multitude of times, to which he ignores my pleas for him to just tell me what's going on with him.

During one of my many attempts searching the web to find some sort of answer to what he is experiencing or what I can do, I found this site. I tried sharing it with him twice now to which he has said nonchalantly that it basically doesn't apply to him.

He has willing had sex with all his other gfs besides me, which enrages me beyond all sanity. But all of my suggestions he turns down: he says it's not bc he's not attracted to me sexually and not bc he finds me repulsive and even isn't bc he's disinterested in sex itself. 

So where does that leave me?

In hell. Apparently.

 

I've skimmed thru this site and it claims that asexual people can have relationships with people who are sexual. I understand that that statement is made to avoid putting any kind of limitations on people and who they choose for partners, but honestly, speaking as a sexual person who is in a relationship with someone who clearly is not, it royally bites the big one and I have no problem saying that sexual people will be most happy to seek intimate relations with those who are also sexual. 

Sex is a huge part of a relationship for me, so much so that even tho I'm in love with my bf (besides the no sex deal, he is the best person I've met so far) I'm about to walk away from it all bc I have very basic human needs that just aren't being met. And his level of interest in my happiness is nonexistent. 

 

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God of the Forest

   Break up immediately, he doesn't need someone guilt tripping him into having sex and apparently you need it so bad you wanna die. 

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Diamond Ace of Hearts
3 minutes ago, RipleyJ said:

   Break up immediately, he doesn't need someone guilt tripping him into having sex and apparently you need it so bad you wanna die.

The opposite is also true. The OP doesn't need someone who won't even open up to a conversation about what's going on with them and why. Someone who claims NOT to be asexual, let's remember, and claims to be sexually attracted to the OP and not repulsed, yet will not take part in what for a lot of people is a vital component of a relationship, especially when the people in the relationship are both supposedly sexual.

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God of the Forest
2 minutes ago, Diamond Ace of Hearts said:

The opposite is also true. The OP doesn't need someone who won't even open up to a conversation about what's going on with them and why. Someone who claims NOT to be asexual, let's remember, and claims to be sexually attracted to the OP and not repulsed, yet will not take part in what for a lot of people is a vital component of a relationship, especially when the people in the relationship are both supposedly sexual.

I agree, communication seems to be lacking in the relationship

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Some asexual people can have sex. Not all of them. And it depends on a lot of factors. Your boyfriend clearly doesn`t want sex, and it doesn`t matter if he really is asexual or what. You don`t have the right to impose sex on him, the same way nobody has the right to impose sex on you. Accept it and live without sex, discuss it with him and have an open relashionship if he is ok with it, or break up with him. Your broken heart will mend. What`s the use of being in a relationship that makes you miserable? It`s your choice.

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nanogretchen4

Break up with him. He will never be able to meet your needs and you are terribly unhappy. He also hasn't been super honest with you. There are lots and lots of hetero men out there that you could be happier with, and in the three years he has kept you tied up in this hopelessly incompatible relationship you might well have found one of them. Don't waste any more time you will never get back.

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake: I'm going to give you some helpful information about the site and then move this thread to the Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies part of the forum. I wish you all the best in working things out!!

 

Spoiler

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

Thread moved from Welcome Lounge to SPFA.

-kelico, Welcome Lounge Moderator

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As others have said, regardless of what his sexual orientation actually is, you two are clearly not sexually compatible, and no matter how much you wish it were true, love, nor the span of 3 years can fix anything. You seem to be staying due to that time span, but really that amount of time is nothing to more experienced people.

 

You need to learn when to move on and stop wasting years on a relationship you already know is going down hill/at a dead end. There are factually fish in the sea, and I know love puts blinders on you to that, but you gotta learn to recognize  those kind of impairments and take off the glasses yourself (cuz' they're not gunna fall off on their own/easily otherwise). Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are what kill relationships, as well as not communicating. Notice the red flags and do your own matnance or even termination of things.

 

As for your partner, maybe he is asexual and thinks sexual attraction just means finding people pretty (unfortunately that's a real misconception around here). Or maybe he thinks sexual attraction is the ability to concent to sex (which is not desire). Asexuals can participate in sex, and most do masturbate (and most use erotica to do so), but they still never yearn to have any type of sex with anyone.

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