Uhhh little help with my (minor) sexuality crisis?

[:) :)]

Hi guys, I've just created this account because you see I think I may be on the asexuality spectrum. I don't think I've felt sexual attraction but I don't really know what that is but then I guess there is your answer? I've never, you know, pictured anyone but I've also lived a sheltered life kind of or maybe I've just never considered the possibility of |partners|. I know I like the idea of romance so I have that, right? 

I promise you I'm very accepting of sexualities and all of this, I truly am, it just appears that my acceptance is for everyone else and doesn't apply to me. See I was wondering if I should tell my friends that me and sexual stuff don't seem to go together (although they probably know this already, I'm not really good at that stuff) but what if it changes and I don't want to be that ummm I just don't want them to I don't know, feel bad or awkward or think oh my goodness this weird inexperienced prude. I am quite chill with my apparent asexualness but that's only really when I'm alone in my room and I think I'm a bit of a mess and please help me. 

[TopHatCat]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I always think it's funny that we, the people that don't experience sexual attraction, are the people that explain what it is. I feel like I have to triple check sometimes and end up doing a lot of research just to make sure I'm accurately describing something I have never even felt. It's difficult because it doesn't manifest in any clear way, and is indicated by the absence of something (like a black hole, for the most part).

 

The idea of clear definitions and labels for sexual orientations (which may or may not be necessary, depending on the situation) is to help communicate information about yourself to others, so we can understand each other better. Thus, only you can tell us how you feel, you are the foremost authority on yourself! Regardless of how or why, if you don't feel a certain way then don't worry about trying to. And as you will see with more poking around, sexuality is fluid and can change, so if the way you feel changes then just roll with it-you'll always be welcome here

[chair jockey]

Asexuality is not a membership criterion.  Everyone is welcome here as long as they follow the rules. And, yeah, if how you feel changes, then the new way you feel is just the new way you feel. It's still as legit as the old way, just like the old way was legit in its time. But if you're not sure then don't tell people that you're sure. If you feel you should tell them anything, which you don't have to but can feel you should, then tell them that you're not sure, because that's the truth anyway.

 

Welcome to AVEN and enjoy your time here.

[Mimesis]

I`ll share a bit of my own experience with you. I had a sheltered childhood and adolescence, and so I developed later than should be expected. When I was around 14 I started feeling an urge I couldn`t explain. It felt as if I wanted to eat something, and I tried to fill my stomach, trying to get rid of that urge. It wasn`t that I felt hungry. I was looking for a kind of fulfillment I couldn`t understand. I ended up putting on weight and I became chubby, so boys didn`t feel attracted to me. But one day, finally, a boy got interested, I felt interested, and we kissed and ended up making out. He made me feel aroused for the first time in my life, and when I arrived home I masturbated for the first time in my life (I didn`t know how to do it before making out with this boy). I had an orgasm, and felt all the fulfillment I had been looking for. I don`t tell people this story, because they would just laugh at me, but it`s true. I lost all the extra weight after that, because I could finally fulfill that urge. So now I understand that discovering your sexuality (or lack of it) is not as easy as people say. I`m not even saying you have to make out with somebody to find out. Each person is different. As to revealing whatever it is to your friends, I would avoid adopting labels. You don`t know if you`ll change one day, and you may have problems because everybody will be expecting you to be a specific thing. What if you just tell your real friends what you told us? That you don`t even know exactly what you like or not? You may ask them not to push you either way. Then you won`t need to worry about being considered either sexual or ace. Well, this is just an idea, of course. If you feel more comfortable being able to explain things by using only one word, do it.

[:) :)]

Thank you so much, you guys. 

I really appreciate you calming me down and making everything seem okay! I can be who I am and it's okay. I think I'm gonna stay quiet about it. At this stage, I think giving myself a label would be more restrictive than helpful, 'specially when I have lovely internet people like you 😊😊😊

[chair jockey]

33 minutes ago, Idontknowbutitsokay? said:

Thank you so much, you guys. 

I really appreciate you calming me down and making everything seem okay! I can be who I am and it's okay. I think I'm gonna stay quiet about it. At this stage, I think giving myself a label would be more restrictive than helpful, 'specially when I have lovely internet people like you 😊😊😊

Some additional general information. You can change your username up to six times in 365 days, and there is a name history for other people to keep track of the changes. And your username doesn't have to be all one word and can be any combination of letters, numbers and special characters (although I don't recommend a comma as the forum software has trouble with that). Some members also have usernames in other writing systems, but then it's hard to know how their name is pronounced.

[Star Bit]

Should you tell your friends? It may or may not turn out well; some sexual people don't get asexuality and some lose their friends because of it. I suggest testing the water with "Did you know some people don't desire sex and they're called asexual?" Specifically in that order and wording because basic and explicit are good for comprehension, as well as people taking things better when you give them comprable information first (i.e. a definition) rather than a new unknown term (i.e. asexuality).

[:) :)]

15 hours ago, Star Bit said:

Should you tell your friends? 

That's the question. I'm feeling a-okay with whatever it is I am, and this is a very nice feeling, however, I also don't know whatever it is I am and although my friends are lovely, I'm quite a private person and I'm also, you know, a bit insecure and shy and stuff. 

I've never really spoken about this stuff, I've never said I'm your average heterosexual, and although this is assumed of me, I've never said it and so I'm sort of thinking, well, I am who I am and it's far easier for me this way. This is just what I think. If I ever properly open up to someone not on the internet 🙈 I might tell them. 

I don't know, maybe this is bad of me? Maybe people see it as acting ashamed? I'm going to the 'lgbt' college at my uni, so maybe I'll be feeling all great then? 

[Puck]

On 5/2/2017 at 1:31 PM, said:

That's the question. I'm feeling a-okay with whatever it is I am, and this is a very nice feeling, however, I also don't know whatever it is I am and although my friends are lovely, I'm quite a private person and I'm also, you know, a bit insecure and shy and stuff. 

I've never really spoken about this stuff, I've never said I'm your average heterosexual, and although this is assumed of me, I've never said it and so I'm sort of thinking, well, I am who I am and it's far easier for me this way. This is just what I think. If I ever properly open up to someone not on the internet 🙈 I might tell them. 

I don't know, maybe this is bad of me? Maybe people see it as acting ashamed? I'm going to the 'lgbt' college at my uni, so maybe I'll be feeling all great then? 

You don't have to feel ashamed or anything  Coming out is immensely personal and you never have to. It doesn't mean you are ashamed, it just means you don't want to. I am private too, I don't feel the need to tell everyone everything about me.

 

Talking about this stuff can be tricky, that's why it's great to find others you connect with. AVEN is a great place to connect with other ace folks, I hope it can be a great resource for you!

 

I do hope you have a good time at the 'lgbt' college. I hope that they are accepting and open!

[:) :)]

Update:

I told some of my friends! More like coerced but, hey! And when I did, I really didn't want to tell them definitions or explain, the fact that I managed to get the words out was trial enough. Although one of my friends apparently has an incorrect view, or something which has spread to everyone else. They are probably trying to be kind in some misguided way, like a meat-eater asking if it's okay to eat beef in front of you but they've been kind of bad about it. Sexual things occur to them but they now deliberately exclude me from conversation about it. They'll whisper about it in front of me or go quiet when I enter a room. It's really not nice. So I don't want to watch music videos and ooh over the people in it or kind of just let it slide when you say you see someone attractive, but I care about them and what happens to them! 

I want to tell them, but I also don't want to bring this topic up, and I don't want to shout or get angry when I tell them but I think I will because it really fucking hurts. You guys were really great last time, any advice to give now? 🙂🙂🙂

[Puck]

Well, talking is usually the best answer, just explain that you are comfortable with. On the plus side, they are trying to accommodate you and support you, they just aren't doing it right.

 

If you aren't comfortable talking, you could lead by example. Have them over to your place and pick a movie that has some sexy stuff which you are comfortable with to show you're ok with it. Not overly, but you know, a rom com or something fun that has elements that you are indeed comfortable with. You might well be the first ace person that was ever out to them, so they just don't know how to act right now. It's not your responsibility to teach or coddle them, but just know that it's because they are human and aren't perfect.

 

Good luck!! Glad you were comfortable enough with those friends to come out