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Loneliness and a doomed fate


somebodyoncetoldme

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somebodyoncetoldme

I'm sort of new to this whole "Im asexual" thing and it just feels like as time goes on and this realization sets in things get worse. Like I'm ok with being asexual on most levels, however, i can't shake this feeling that due to my asexuality that I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life. Everything I have read so far written by somebody who is asexual is prideful. Everyone seems to believe that being asexual is an advantage.

 

I feel the opposite. It just seems so unlikely for me to find someone in the future who will want to be my partner despite me being asexual. and I have never met a single asexual in person and so the probability of me finding someone who is asexual and that I emotionally connect with seems impossible as well. I am also pretty socially inept and so the future seems bleak. Like i don't want to be alone forever.

 

Im not trying to hate or anything I just don't know how to get over this feeling and be comfortable with my sexuality.

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HI, im sorry about your feellings. If you are a male you have big chances to find someone to share your life because there are many many women asexual.

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Unfortunately, this is a crushing reality that romantic asexuals have to confront at some point ☹️; the romantic asexual "pool" is pretty small but don't give up if it's important to you. The chance is 0% if you don't look, as cliche as that sounds. I'm likely aromantic and asexual so I don't have any dating advice. But I do sympathize. Although it's not completely the same scenario, it's incredibly difficult for me as a guy to keep female friends thus far. I'm pretty dense and only liked them platonically, but I get the feeling that a lot of them viewed me as a potential partner and left when I showed zero romantic interest. It's happened at least 4 times in college. I already don't have many friends but now it seems I'm just completely hopeless when interacting with women 😐. It'd be cool to have at least some diversity amongst my friends... ☹️ Wish you the best though in your efforts. 

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First off: Hi and Welcome to AVEN!!! :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake:

You're not alone. Lot's of asexuals feel the way you do, and worry about finding someone to share their life with. Being asexual doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. I know it's hard to find other asexuals in real life, but AVEN is a good place to start. Look in the Meet-up Mart forum for meetings happening in your area. There are also a few asexual dating sites which you might find helpful. (I don't use them, so I can't really recommend one, but google might be able to help you find one that fits your needs.) You also shouldn't rule out the possibility of a relationship with an allosexual. Such relationships require compromise from both parties, and can be difficult, but AVEN has lots of asexuals who have made it work. You could try asking for advice from them on successfully dating an allosexual.

 

In the short term, I'd suggest getting a pet of some kind, if you don't already have one. Animals help with anxiety, stress, and relieving loneliness. I'd recommend a dog, but if you're a cat person, that works too. (Or a hamster, turtle, bearded dragon, rabbit, chicken, fish, hedgehog, micro pig - whatever works for you.) If that's not an option, volunteering at your local animal shelter can get you some time with fluffy critters who love unconditionally, as well as possibly helping you meet potential partners with similar interests. 

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Well your best bet at finding a partner that's also ace is right here! I know it may seem lonely, particularly if you're not also aromantic and thus want a romantic relationship, but I would argue that the emotional intensity of romantic relationships can be just as prevalent in a friendship. Friends are awesome, and you can make that connection go as deep as you want/are comfortable with. So, in the mean time since ace-hunting can be a long game, I suggest finding a bunch of awesome people to become awesome friends.

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Wow I feel pretty much exactly the way you do. It was really difficult realizing why I was avoiding the dating scene while very much desiring a relationship. I accept my asexuality and don't hate it but sometimes I feel like sharing a life with someone, something I've always dreamed about, is only just that: a dream. I don't know if I'm being idealistic with this, but I do have a glimmer of hope that I'll find someone (be they asexual or not) that is willing to make compromises for me and vice versa ( don't know what compromises if any you would be willing to make in a relationship but sometimes it helps to look at things in a less black and white way). 

 

Be open, seek out others, be loving... These are the only words of advise I can give because they're the only words of advise I can give myself. I'm not sure if that was helpful in any way, but remember you're at least not alone. 

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My advice when answering this type of question is to suggest first working to find ways to live a reasonably happy life on one's own. Regardless of one's sexual orientation, it's probably a good idea not to make one's happiness dependent on other people and something which may or may not happen.

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You're not alone.  I've definitely felt this same exact way before, but signing yourself off as being "doomed to loneliness" isn't being fair to yourself.  It might be a little tougher, but it's certainly not impossible to find a partner.

 

4 hours ago, Pramana said:

My advice when answering this type of question is to suggest first working to find ways to live a reasonably happy life on one's own. Regardless of one's sexual orientation, it's probably a good idea not to make one's happiness dependent on other people and something which may or may not happen.

I second this advice, and it holds true for sexuals, as well.  In order to be happy in a relationship with someone else, you need to be happy with yourself first.  When you start looking at a relationship as something to fill a need or void to make your life perfect or "save" you from whatever, you're susceptible to settling into a bad relationship.  Also, if you're happy with yourself, those positive vibes will help attract other people.

 

While identifying as asexual helps me neatly wrap up an explanation for how I am and helped me realize there's not something wrong with me, I'm also trying not to let it dictate my efforts in pursuing my desire for a relationship.  I'm a pretty ambitious person, always chasing career goals, so I think even if I was sexual, I'd still have a difficult time because I'm always tunnel visioned on my work.  In fact, I believed this was the case up until a short while ago.  It was only after I put the effort in and did some online dating to meet people did I realize I was "different" in my dating/relationship views.  It was upsetting at first, and I thought I'd also never find love, but I realized I wasn't any different than before, I just had a new piece of info to work with.  Now that I better understand myself, I know that much more what I'm looking for in a partner.  I just need to adjust my plan of attack, so to speak. 

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I've been feeling this way a lot too. I'm brand new to being ace (I mean, not really, but I'm brand new to realizing it). When I first figured it out it felt like a massive relief to have an explanation for the way I've always felt but also absolutely devastating. I feel like I went through the stages of grief in miniature. Mourning the life I thought I was going to make happen for myself; the whole husband, maybe kids, functional adult relationship thing. But I think now I realize that I was never going to make that life work and be happy anyways. How could I be if I wasn't even being honest about who I am? So yeah I still have that fear: I'll be alone forever because how can I possibly find a partner who is ace or okay with having an asexual partner, lives in my area, and who I'm romantically interested in? Seems like a needle in the haystack. I don't really have any answers. Therapy with a sex therapist has been helping me along so far. I'm trying to work on being okay with myself before I try dating. I'm fairly lucky because there is an asexual meetup group in my area. I haven't gone yet. Still working on that courage. You're not alone.

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3 hours ago, Leahpd said:

how can I possibly find a partner who is ace or okay with having an asexual partner, lives in my area, and who I'm romantically interested in? 

Yeah, feel the same way, it seems about as likely as winning the lottery.  And I've tried relationships with sexuals and never succeeded there either so that seems pointless. 

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I get this feeling quite often.  It's not much of a comfort, but I do believe that loneliness is not exclusive to singles.  In other words, there are definitely married people out there who are lonely and misunderstood.  To find a "soul mate," or some optimally compatible, is a unique experience, and though sexuals may have a bigger dating pool, it doesn't guarantee them happiness.

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22 hours ago, Euna said:

I get this feeling quite often.  It's not much of a comfort, but I do believe that loneliness is not exclusive to singles.  In other words, there are definitely married people out there who are lonely and misunderstood.  

I can say this is 100% true based on my own marriage experience. In fact the loneliness/sadness is even more intense than when single, probably due to different expectations.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 28.4.2017 at 6:36 AM, somebodyoncetoldme said:

I'm sort of new to this whole "Im asexual" thing and it just feels like as time goes on and this realization sets in things get worse. Like I'm ok with being asexual on most levels, however, i can't shake this feeling that due to my asexuality that I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life. Everything I have read so far written by somebody who is asexual is prideful. Everyone seems to believe that being asexual is an advantage.

 

I feel the opposite. It just seems so unlikely for me to find someone in the future who will want to be my partner despite me being asexual. and I have never met a single asexual in person and so the probability of me finding someone who is asexual and that I emotionally connect with seems impossible as well. I am also pretty socially inept and so the future seems bleak. Like i don't want to be alone forever.

 

Im not trying to hate or anything I just don't know how to get over this feeling and be comfortable with my sexuality.

I know exactly how it feels as I've reach the same point some weeks ago. While this clear realization is beyond relieving it also casts a deep eternal shadow on my personal future and I couldn't really find a way to deal with it yet. You just have to keep moving on, trying to make the best out of it. I think to really know and accept yourself is actually the most important but hardest thing to do. I want to believe that every one of us is unique and special in it's very own way and that we might find the "perfect match" somewhere out there some day... It might be an endliess journey but it's worth trying. Life's a neverending adventure.

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Mori-no-Majou
On 28/04/2017 at 6:39 PM, Pramana said:

My advice when answering this type of question is to suggest first working to find ways to live a reasonably happy life on one's own. Regardless of one's sexual orientation, it's probably a good idea not to make one's happiness dependent on other people and something which may or may not happen.

So much this. It's also vital because, even in the best-case scenario that you do end up with romantically involved with someone till death, one of you is still going to outlive the other. You'll need to be able to cope on your own if you're the surviving partner. Learning to be happy on your own carries two benefits: firstly, your self-esteem will improve to the point that your being single stops bothering you; and secondly, it'll make you a more interesting and rounded person, which will make it easier to find friends in and of itself.

Speaking of, platonic friendships are The Actual Best™. They provide a powerful emotional connection without carrying the expectation of anything physical. Pets are great too, but human friendships are crucial: lasting romantic relationships are pretty similar to close friendships, so being able to navigate and appreciate a friendship is super important for that. (shh, Majou, you're going to sound like you're in a shounen anime)

Other than that, just try to stay positive and don't stress about it too much! Sure, it might take us all a bit longer to find another ace (or an allosexual who doesn't like or care about sex; they're few and far between, but apparently they do exist) whom we could like in that capacity, but if you have any self-respect it'll take a while anyway: even if you were allosexual, there'd be no guarantee that you'd be able to ask any random person out and they'd always turn out to be nice, or share your moral values, or even be interesting to talk to. Better to wait a hundred years for true love, than kiss the first frog you see on the off chance it'll turn him into a prince, am I right? XD Remember that romance is a tiny, tiny aspect of the human condition, and that there are so many other ways to feel happy and loved. If it happens, it happens; if not, we'll always have cake~ :D 

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You can't really know if you've met an asexual, as most asexuals aren't "out", so you could have an just not known it! 

 

But, there is OKCupid, which has an asexual option, as well as asexualitic and ace-book if you're looking for a relationship. Also meetups can be good places to form friendships, which can always turn into something more.

 

Personally, I have been in mixed relationships with sexuals. Only dated one guy since "coming out" as anything else (I use the term asexual on OKCupid, as it's something recognized, though I don't actually use labels usually). But, he was cool with it. We had "the talk" after date two, before date three. After date three I decided he was more into than I was though, so I ended it. 

 

However, I met someone on AVEN since then and I am quite happy with them. :wub: AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX SO YAY!!!

 

In other words, don't give up hope. If you want a relationship, there are options. It might be harder, you might have a smaller dating pool and it might take longer, but it can happen. 

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There is really nothing more I can ad to the above answers, as they all make excellent points. The thing is that you will feel and cope with your feelings differently at different stages -and ages-  in your life. Without knowing how old you are, or what your gender is, it is difficult to offer more than general opinions. But know this: you are definitely not alone, and places like this site can become invaluable. Welcome, and have some :cake::) 

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StrandedX02
On 4/28/2017 at 2:43 AM, TopHatCat said:

Well your best bet at finding a partner that's also ace is right here! I know it may seem lonely, particularly if you're not also aromantic and thus want a romantic relationship, but I would argue that the emotional intensity of romantic relationships can be just as prevalent in a friendship. Friends are awesome, and you can make that connection go as deep as you want/are comfortable with. So, in the mean time since ace-hunting can be a long game, I suggest finding a bunch of awesome people to become awesome friends.

Totally agree, especially with the bolded!

 

Just speaking personally, I have a friend who basically made me reconsider whether I'm even a romantic ace at all (now I think I'm aro because of this situation). She and I essentially have elements of a romantic relationship within a platonic context: we do date nights, go to group activities as a pair, are planning trips together, and generally have an emotional depth and comfort with each other that isn't often associated with "just" friends. (Especially friends who met recently; we only started hanging out in November!)

 

So definitely do your best to stay positive and open to new people and new experiences, and know that you can have an emotional connection with someone and not be in a romantic relationship! Particularly for aces, I feel like it's more important who you find and not so much how you label the partnership. (But I'm just one person, so what do I know? Ha.)

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MaxAmoeba

I understand. The reasons listed out here are all valid and sensible. Can just wish good luck despite all the odds :-)

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