Pretty sure I'm asexual (or not?!)

[mrsmiawallace]

hi everyone. i'm a 25 yo female and I think I need help. 

 

after long hours of research and many wine-fueled sleepless nights, I think I am positive that I am an asexual person. I think a lot of you here are probably more familiarized with it that I am, that's why I kindly request that someone confirms or not what I'm saying, and if you have experienced a similar story, please do tell. 

 

so basically, long story short: i grew up raised by a single mother, my father left when I was 5. He never played any role in my life. 

At 16 I had the stupid idea to look for him and confront him, which I did, and he told me straight in the eye that he did not know me and had nothing to do with me. I never saw him again ever since. I still don't know if that has something to do with my asexuality, but I hope I can figure that out. 

 

Growing up with my mother, sex-wise, wasn't easy. She's a very devoted Christian, a bit uptight — sorry for her if that sounds mean but it's the truth — and she basically never ever gave me the slightest information about finding the love of your life, making love, condoms, and all these things. The few times I've tried to talk to her about it, she dismissed my questions saying those were "adult things", and even up to the age of 24, she still regarded me as her baby. 

 

I was my mother's only child at the time, and I had no other person to talk to. Besides, my family was basically only females, they had all divorced or just lived alone. The few young people of my family were also Christian, so it was a hard topic to bring up even when we sat close and just the two of us. Besides, the internet was pretty rudimentary at the time (circa 2003/2004), so I entered my teenage years with zero knowledge on the subject. 

 

I will precise that I am a female attracted to males. As a teenager, I started having erotical dreams about guys, but that didn't happen so often. I realized I had a few guys crushes, but it was absolutely nothing compared to my friends who had a new crush everyday. I didn't have posters of men in my room, rather women I wanted to become, like role models, I tended more to be on the intellectual side and would rather spend my afternoons at the library, rather than going on dates with guys. 

 

I slowly reached the age of 19 without never having a boyfriend. I remember that my family and friends started asking me questions, like asking if I was a lesbian or simply why didn't I have a boyfriend ?! The idea of me, a girl in her twenties somewhat pretty and still single was an impossible idea for them to fathom. And yet, that was the truth, I just didn't want it nor needed it. 

 

However though, under pressure, I decided to have a boyfriend, which wasn't hard to find so that things could seem less weird. I was eyeing this guy for a while and thought we made a good match, so we started dating. But I couldn't feel anything, I was feeling completely neutral. I remember after breaking up with him, which was inevitable, meeting other guys and getting along with them and be attracted to them, but not wanting anything more. 

 

I met another guy back in college, this time I was a bit older, and he offered me the beautiful plan of being his sex friend. As I was 21 and still virgin at the time, I cared so little about sex that I accepted, to me it felt more like a chore and I felt like if I did it now, I'll be somehow living more peacefully after, like a one time thing. So we started hooking up, and I honestly didn't mind hooking up with him, he was rather very attractive and kind, I especially wanted more love and affection from him than sex but as always, sex was the mandatory step to being allowed to speak to someone ever again. So we proceeded, and I remember it was all very mechanical as it was supposed to be casual sex anyway, I didn't mind getting intimate with him and all, but I just didn't feel anything. My thoughts were elsewhere, and basically all I wanted was going back home with a cup of tea and disappear under the blanket. We kept doing that for a while, and since I had noticed that obviously, this would never, ever make him love me, I proceeded to call it quits. 

 

Today, I had other boyfriends and other sexual relationships with men, and even if at the beginning things were a bit spicy — not like passionate yet, let's not exaggerate but we had good times regardless although I have never reached orgasm with a man my whole life — I still got lots of complains about my weird behavior in bed and the fact that I was so uptight and disinterested. Although I cherished their presence and doing things with them and them being a part of my life, I realized that the missing link of sex was a deal breaker, and I feel like that's something I very, very hardly can provide to a man because somehow I am broken somewhere and I'm afraid it will stay like that all my life. 

 

That was actually not a long story short and I'm sorry about that, hopefully some of y'all grabbed some popcorn (lol ) but I felt like it was a good idea to share my story, and even if I don't get any replies at least I'm happy that some people can relate to that and see that they are not alone. 

 

Thank you <3 

[TopHatCat]

Hello! There are lots of friendly people here, please don't be afraid to reach out for a discussion-and you'll almost surely get it. From what I've read there is nothing wrong or missing from you, its disheartening to see you consider that. It really looks like you could be asexual and even aromantic, but finding the particulars of how it fits to you is something that requires a little research (depending on how precise a definition you want). There are plenty of lists of sub-ace/aro identities all over the forums, so hopefully you won't have to look very far. Only you can tell everyone what you think and feel.

 

Even though there seems to be a general idea of how a "typical relationship" leads to a fulfilling life, we here are challenging the nature of the relationship and in some cases throwing it out altogether. I would urge you to please not make yourself go into any relationships that you are benefitting from personally (that is, emotionally/mentally), your happiness matters enough that your voice needs to be heard-that's what relationships are for.

[mrsmiawallace]

37 minutes ago, TopHatCat said:

Even though there seems to be a general idea of how a "typical relationship" leads to a fulfilling life, we here are challenging the nature of the relationship and in some cases throwing it out altogether. I would urge you to please not make yourself go into any relationships that you are benefitting from personally (that is, emotionally/mentally), your happiness matters enough that your voice needs to be heard-that's what relationships are for.

Thank you so much for your reply, it really feels wonderful to be welcomed and also helped on topics that you cannot unfortunately discuss with everybody. I will make sure to browse the forum and see if there is a better category that fits me. 

 

About relationships, I believe you are right, sometimes we have the urge to put ourselves in relationships because we're under the pressure of society or we feel that it is adequate for us and it really isn't. 

 

My problem however, if I may, is that I feel like if I don't urge myself to go in any relationship, I will simply stay single my entire life.  It is true that I sometimes engaged in relationships by mistake, but also, I feel like sometimes maybe you just gotta dive right in. I remember that I also had the issue of finding the right person because they weren't tall enough, or smart enough, I was looking for perfection for a while too.

 

Sometimes I wonder if people engaged in relationships really are madly in love. I wonder if that exists, at all, or maybe it is just an illusion that will make me single forever. And the saddest of it all is that, I wouldn't actually mind being single sexually wise, but I want to know what it feels like to love and to be loved. And I'm starting to wonder if my potential asexuality isn't the result of my inability to love, because I suppose I could enjoy sex much better if I actually loved the person. And when I say love, I'm talking real love and not just mere, friendly affection.

 

Whatever that is, I am convinced that I gotta take the leap somehow — because otherwise knowing myself, I'll stay alone until I die — but the issue really is the lack of interest for sex and I feel like this is something that I can't seem to get rid off... Hope that makes more sense <3 

 

[TopHatCat]

It seemed kind of lonely to me at first, the idea of staying single forever, but I've developed a way to appreciate it. I don't want to be convinced I'm missing out on something when I know it really doesn't interest me. I can find other ways to be happy, and other relationships should I want companion in a friendship capacity. I commend your courage to take that risk-but having experienced some relationships from taking that chance, I would hope you would have a better idea of whether you are interested in that kind of relationship indefinitely? I don't know if you can change your perceptions in order to be happy, as I have, but if you are asexual and aromantic then I hope making friends on this site can help you feel more satisfied with life. Sometimes these relationships are deeper than those in a marriage, and they can be pursued by people like me who aren't compatible with the romantic.