love, friends, and relationships

[binary suns]

if I can love my friends and we remain friends, then why can't people just be happy with that? I thought to myself, what is the point in a relationship if I can feel romantic towards an important friend and that is healthy? but I quickly realized the things I want from a partner, not that I need them of course, but the benefits to partnership that I'm interested in. and so then I asked, why do people think that relationships are inherently romantic? I mean sure I thought that way once, but it's so obvious now. relationships are inherently, just relationships. it is romance that makes a relationship romantic.

 

but what a difficult thing to capture in words!

[Slayerin96]

Well, I think people generally tend to view relationships (partner-wise) as inherently romantic for the following reason:

 

In the vast majority of the cases, the starting point of a relationship is romantic attraction: in popular terms, a crush and/or falling in love - what people describe as  "the spark and then the flame". However, quite a few are unaware that this has nothing to do with love. When two people are enamoured, two things can happen: either they form a bond throughout his time, which evolves into real love later, or they realise they actually never cared about each other and it all ends. Also, it is media that's been brainwashing people into thinkin that it is exactly this state, this flame of passion that represents the foundation stone of the relationship. But in reality, as I said, this is only the starting point of it. Now, as more than 95% of the world population is capable of falling in love, and the concept of aromanticism is still arcane, people tend to automatically think that if two people are in a relationship either are in love with each other or were at some point before. 

By definition, aromantics don't experience romantic attraction, so no sparks and flames in our case. Obviously, there must be a starting point for us in a relationship, too. Speaking for myself, my starting point is friendship - in order for me to end up loving the person (in my own way), we need to become very close (if not best) friends in the first place. There may be different starting points for different people identifying as aromantic, but the main point is the same: the relationship is based on a different kind of feelings. But as I said, due to the fact that we're a minority and very little visible at the point, most people find it hard to imagine how a relationship can be strong but NOT romantic in nature. 

[Zendalis]

I really liked your response, @Slayerin96 It hit the nail right on the head, as the saying goes. I do think that the main difference between friendships and "romantic" relationships for most asexuals simply boil down to exclusivity. Maybe that means that there is that one person that an asexual will hold hands with, or go on traditional dates with, or give kisses to, or cuddle with, or share a home with...just without the sex. And I do think that the main difference between a "romantic" asexual and an "aromantic" asexual is just time, as in it will take a lot longer for an aro to form that kind of exclusive bond.

 

Obviously, the personal opinions I've just expressed only apply to one-on-one relationships. Things will be different for those who are Polyamorous.  

[Slayerin96]

20 minutes ago, Zendalis said:

 And I do think that the main difference between a "romantic" asexual and an "aromantic" asexual is just time, as in it will take a lot longer for an aro to form that kind of exclusive bond.

 

 

Exactly. And let's not forget about the emotions (nervousness, butterflies, blushing, etc.). Romantics experience them, while aromantics do not. 

[shocky2002]

I wish I could love people in general, and at any level.

 

I have zero feelings for my family. They didn't do anything wrong. I was raised as a happy child. I still talk to them. I just don't care for them. I legitimately wouldn't be able to cry if my parents dropped dead tomorrow. 

 

The friends I've made, I don't care for. They talk to me, I'll reply even though I'd rather they not talk to me at all. I could go the rest of my life without any friends.

 

The dog that I grew up with is 15 years old and I wished it'd been given the Old Yeller treatment a decade back.

 

Oddly enough, I have had some crushes. But they never last long at all, and I never fantasize about being in a relationship with said crush.

 

idk, maybe you could disqualify me from being aromantic, but i don't even care because i practically might as well be a true aromantic. If I tried to force myself into 'loving' someone, and he/she shared the same feelings for me, it'd just be a disaster down the line, and quickly, when I inevitably wouldn't care for them in the slightest