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Dysphoria and Dating/Romance


Alejandrogynous

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Alejandrogynous

This is going to be long and rambly. I apologize in advance.

 

I was at a concert last week, which was awesome, and it was made even more awesome by the opening band. I'd never heard of them before but they were great, only two members, a girl and a guy playing guitar. And as I was in the crowd, enjoying the music, I heard a girl behind me sigh, "I wish I was a guy so I could love him." Now I don't know if that guitarist is actually gay, it's kind of neither here nor there for this post. All I know is that now I can't get those words out of my head, because it kinda sums up my problem perfectly.

 

I'm AFAB and I don't have physical dysphoria. I like my body fine (I mean, obviously, there are things I'd change if I had a choice, who doesn't have those) but it doesn't feel wrong or like not mine in any way. Nothing there that shouldn't be or vice-versa. I'm physically androgynous enough that I'm pretty comfortable overall. Socially, I guess I have some dysphoria, but as I said, I'm pretty androgynous-looking (and my name is gender neutral) so I'm mostly okay with the line I walk in society. I get called sir on occasion, it makes me happy, and my friends/family are accepting in general so I don't feel too much pressure to be more than Just Me. If that makes sense. So regardless of how I personally identify, I don't really feel a deep need to 'transition', medically or socially.

 

Except, that all seems to fall apart when it comes to dating/love/relationships. Whenever I think about romance in any way, I always see myself as a guy. A gay man, 100%. I don't really know why.. I think I've always done it even when I was young and didn't realize. Once I did, I started trying to force myself to picture romance as a female and it just feels so.. wrong. It's separate from my sexuality which gives me the same 'nope' feelings regardless of what gender/sex I imagine myself as; with romantic feelings, there is a clear and definite feeling on what I should be in a relationship. A man. With a man.

 

I'm a little nervous to post this because the last time I went looking for advice (not on AVEN), I didn't get the most positive responses. I was told that I was just another cis-het girl fetishizing gay men, which.. I get why they said that. I honestly got scared that maybe they were right and shoved that whole part of myself out of my mind for a long time. Forgot about dating, not worth the confusion. It doesn't feel like fetishizing, though. It's not that I'm only attracted to gay men or think that gay men are inherently sexy- it's more like I can only imagine *myself* being in a relationship if *I* am a guy. Or.. seen as a guy, I guess. And since I'm not, I can't see myself in a relationship. Even if I find someone I like, I lose interest almost immediately. It's like, as much as I'd like to click with someone and fall in love, I'm not open to those feelings the way I am.

 

I realized that it feels like I've been waiting. The normal sort of waiting, like 'yeah I'll do all that stuff, just gotta finish school first,' or 'I want a family but after I focus on my career,' kind of waiting. 'Yeah, I want love but not until I'm..' Except becoming a guy isn't going to just pop up like graduating college, lol.

 

I don't really know what to do about it because 90% of the time I'm perfectly fine. My body's fine, socially I'm fine. I don't mind living the solo life and I wouldn't consider myself lonely. I like not sharing food and having the bed all to myself, haha. At the same time, I feel like it would be really sad if there were a whole part of life I could be experiencing if I weren't.. stuck. Transitioning just for that seems stupid. Not transitioning means maybe I'll never really fall in love. I guess I don't need love to be happy. It would be nice though.

 

Anyway. I'm not really looking for advice, just maybe someone can relate.

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AVEN #1 fan

You know you don't rly need to attract gay man right?

Srly there's pan-sex/ro dudes and andro-sex/ro dudes and androgyne-ro/sex dudes out there. you don't have to pick up gay men if you want a guy, you just have to find a guy that accepts you for whatever you identify as or like androgynous humans. Maybe you prefer affeminate men? They come with all orientations, you just have to search.

 

 

Eh, sometimes when I fall I love with binary people I prefer to see myself as more masculine when I'm dreaming I'm with a guy that caught my attention, and as more feminine when I dream of girls,  but I never fell bad for having a androgynous figure, I love it,  I just like to try being connected with people I crush on by staying more masc or fem. but yeah I also feel awkward to be fem around guys or masc around girls I like.... this brings the whole cisheterosexism into the table and I don't like it, makes me wanna puke.

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1 hour ago, Alejandrogynous said:

I mean, obviously, there are things I'd change if I had a choice, who doesn't have those

Spoiler

vL4RjE4.png

 

Cp69H5d.jpg

 

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Just now, Fox6 said:
  Hide contents

vL4RjE4.png

 

Cp69H5d.jpg

 

? I suck at metaphors.

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Just now, Fox6 said:

Not metaphor.

Then?

 

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Just now, Fox6 said:

If I could change my body...

Oh darn, I too wish I could bakup my consciousness and memories from my rotten body.

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This is interesting, I guess I never actively thought about it, but it makes sense. 

48 minutes ago, AVEN #1 fan said:

but yeah I also feel awkward to be fem around guys or masc around girls I like.... 

During my past relationship I wasn't quite fem... at all. I guess it worked for me not being out because the dude was bi, so that part obviously didn't matter.

 

But yes, I've also come to the conclusion should I ever find myself in the weird situation of liking someone again, then they need to accept me as who I am. If they think that's somewhat gay or whatever, well then... they have to be okay with that.

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2 minutes ago, mania said:

This is interesting, I guess I never actively thought about it, but it makes sense. 

During my past relationship I wasn't quite fem... at all. I guess it worked for me not being out because the dude was bi, so that part obviously didn't matter.

 

But yes, I've also come to the conclusion should I ever find myself in the weird situation of liking someone again, then they need to accept me as who I am. If they think that's somewhat gay or whatever, well then... they have to be okay with that.

iin my case I feel weird to have a relationship where there's a masculine and a feminine part, mostly bc the cisheterosexist stigmas of submission and dominance, etc people put into it, specially when people in the relationship aren't cis or straight.

II also feel distant in such relationships, when I dream of girls for example I imagine us doing feminine stuff I wouldn't do with guys, and vice versa.

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5 minutes ago, AVEN #1 fan said:

iin my case I feel weird to have a relationship where there's a masculine and a feminine part, mostly bc the cisheterosexist stigmas of submission and dominance, etc people put into it, specially when people in the relationship aren't cis or straight.

II also feel distant in such relationships, when I dream of girls for example I imagine us doing feminine stuff I wouldn't do with guys, and vice versa.

This! I mean... to each their own, but shouldn't partners in a relationship be equal? I would hate feeling inferior or superior.

 

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2 minutes ago, mania said:

This! I mean... to each their own, but shouldn't partners in a relationship be equal? I would hate feeling inferior or superior.

 

Yeah. .. I rly hate the idea of "who wears the pants in the relationship" or "who's the top and who's the bottom stereotype".

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ChillaKilla

I kind of feel this. When I was with my ex he took a very "protector" stance and that didn't always sit well with me. We both had very 'dominant' personalities in our own way. The guy did crossfit and ROTC so he was very physically strong, but I had the sort of subtle wiry strength that meant I could still pick him up and would probably be able to kick his rear in a fight :P (no matter how much you bench, you'll still lose to an experienced fighter). It was mildly competitive at times, but I felt angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like the submissive "girl" (this was before I was out, maybe even before I fully knew what I was) and even though I really did need to express vulnerability, I hated that I had to do it as "a girl relying on the guy for support", if that makes sense. We didn't have a big falling out or anything, he just lived too far away, but honestly I was so glad when that ended because about 4 months into the 6 we were together I learned I was aromantic :P 

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Alejandrogynous
9 hours ago, AVEN #1 fan said:

You know you don't rly need to attract gay man right?

Srly there's pan-sex/ro dudes and andro-sex/ro dudes and androgyne-ro/sex dudes out there. you don't have to pick up gay men if you want a guy, you just have to find a guy that accepts you for whatever you identify as or like androgynous humans. Maybe you prefer affeminate men? They come with all orientations, you just have to search.

I know, but it's not really about their orientation. It's about me and how I feel about myself. It's not that I don't think I could find someone to date me, even someone who would respect every bit of me and my identity, it's that whenever I entertain the idea, *I* don't feel right. Which is on me, I know. Nobody's making me feel bad but myself.

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