Member116379 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Whilst reading up on asexuality and all the variations recently, I read somethings that 99.9% apply to myself. They apply to the past and I didn't even realise it at the time. The main thing was this: 'Have you ever felt like you've had sex because you think you should be doing so?'...I read that and immediately thought WOAHHHHH that's me! I lost my virginity quite late (21) and even then, it was more circumstantial (the house was empty, we'd been together a while) and feeling like I ought to be doing so. Is this an 'undeniable' or key part of asexuality? I left losing my virginity till very late as I never felt ready before and wasn't really ready then either; and to be honest, I didn't feel that I would ever be ready, but didn't want to disappoint my boyfriend at the time and merely thought I should be doing it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SelRivers Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I went through almost the same thing with my ex. I only did it because it was expected in a relationship and figured losing my virginity would "awaken" something in me. Though I think we all know how that went lol. Not it sure if it's a key part of asexuality but I wouldn't be surprised if most of us who've had sex has had the same kind of experience. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SamwiseLovesLife Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Totally the same. Except for me, I wasn't in a relationship (nor truthfully wanted one) but felt like no one would ever take me seriously as a virgin. I asked an aquantence/friend to do the honors and afterwards (besides my personal vomit feelings) wondered why the hell anyone would bother? Definately didn't get me over my 'fear' of intimacy, if anything it made me want to avoid anyone who was ever attracted to me. Asexuals are weird.. Sexual people are weirder 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 3 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said: Totally the same. Except for me, I wasn't in a relationship (nor truthfully wanted one) but felt like no one would ever take me seriously as a virgin. I asked an aquantence/friend to do the honors and afterwards (besides my personal vomit feelings) wondered why the hell anyone would bother? Definately didn't get me over my 'fear' of intimacy, if anything it made me want to avoid anyone who was ever attracted to me. I had a similar experience, except it was with a random person I hardly knew (and I was drunk). I tried it with a close friend a few months prior but couldn't get myself to do it. I was worried I'd be a disappointment. And, well, I was, or at least the sex was. I knew that the first time would be awkward and not at all magical, but I wasn't really motivated to keep at it. I didn't identify as asexual at the time. I thought it was just because I was bad at it. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happilyirrelevant Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I haven't had sex yet but all the times I've considered it I only considered it because I thought it was "the expected thing to do." 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
greenrenee Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I know this isn't as dramatic as losing virginity, but I felt a similar thing with my first kiss - I didn't want to do it at all, but I didn't want to be the only one out of my friends to have never kissed anyone. And a similar thing with my second (and last) kiss, I did it because I knew it was expected of me and didn't think the guy I was seeing would understand why I didn't want to. Now I know that it's okay and normal(ish) to not want these things, which will hopefully make it much easier to say no to them in the future. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member116379 Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 18 minutes ago, greenrenee said: I know this isn't as dramatic as losing virginity, but I felt a similar thing with my first kiss - I didn't want to do it at all, but I didn't want to be the only one out of my friends to have never kissed anyone. And a similar thing with my second (and last) kiss, I did it because I knew it was expected of me and didn't think the guy I was seeing would understand why I didn't want to. Now I know that it's okay and normal(ish) to not want these things, which will hopefully make it much easier to say no to them in the future. That reminds me! I didn't have my first kiss till I was...19 or 20 I think. That was also with my first boyfriend. So in that respect, I was pretty 'late' too. I built up kissing to be such a big deal in my head and then it really wasn't. Now I enjoy it, but totally understand that other people don't 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Yeah it's probably a pretty big mental siren that's notifying you that you're probably ace. I'm about to turn 23 in a few days and I've still never had sex. In the past though, before learning about asexuality, I'd just assume that I'd eventually have to have sex as a social obligation. I'm a dude, dudes are supposed to like sex, so I guess I'll have to confront that reality; that was my train of thought in the past. Now though, I don't care about it. I guess if I had to in order to save the human race, maybe I'll do it. Otherwise, I'm good. 🙂 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheLittleRabbit Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 I'm a virgin, and I do feel a lot of pressure from other people to "have sex to prove I don't like it." In the end though, I've realized that people do the same thing to lesbians-- try to force them to have sex with men in the hopes that "a good man will convert them"-- And since I understand that is a completely unreasonable and unethical thing to demand of a lesbian, I've accepted that it's equally unethical for someone to demand it of me, and that has lessened the pressure on me considerably. I might someday have sex just to see what all the fuss is about, but it's probably not worth the trouble. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 It's common for many asexuals to feel that way. Because asexuality isn't well know, it makes it feel like there isn't an option to not want to do it! But no person ever has to want to have sex if they don't want to. There is nothing wrong with having sex or not having sex. It's all up to the individual and what they want to do! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SwoopingSilver Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 Having your virginity or not having it does not validate or invalidate your identity as an asexual. There are sex positive and sex repulsed and sex neutral asexuals. They are all valid. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member116379 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Share Posted April 26, 2017 Thank you for all the replies I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am most likely a heteroromantic asexual. I'm about 80-90% sure right now Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 It was definitely a big red flag to me that I was probably ace when I had no desire to have sex. My friends kept saying, "Oh, that'll change once you have sex. I had a friend like that who is now the horniest person I know." And that doesn't really make sense because why would anyone have sex before if was required if there was no desire to have it? I guess there's the social pressure which is why most asexuals I assume who aren't virgins had sex in the first place. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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