cooliocool Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 I swear, being an attractive aromantic asexual is the worst combination. People wonder why I'm single and, in the past, they have tried to pair me up with someone. My attractiveness has made it really difficult for me to make friends with people who are attracted to men. I have had so many bad experiences where they told me they liked me and I got grossed and stopped being friends with them. I think that ruins friendships because I can't look at the same anymore. It makes me hate them eventually because I think that they became my friend just so they can have a chance with me. It makes me feel bad too because I don't tell people in real life that I'm aro ace and they will think that I "lead them on." I've had a bad experience in middle school where this girl liked me and she tried to make my life a living hell after I made it obvious that I don't like her back. None of this would happen if i was hideous. Maybe if I was hideous, I wouldn't have to worry about friends being attracted to me and no one would care whether or not I'm single. Maybe if i was hideous, no one would ever hit on me. It grosses me out when they look at me, flirt, and etc. because it makes me feel so awkward around them. It went to the point where I completely cut off interaction with girls unless I know they are lesbians, asexuals, or they are part of my family. I avoid gay men and bisexuals as well. I don't mind interacting with them and being friends with them over the internet because its less awkward and I don't put up a photo of myself so i don't have anything to worry about. I just have trouble interacting with them in real life. There are some days when I appreciate my looks and other days where I don't. is this normal? am I being ridiculous? Link to post Share on other sites
happilyirrelevant Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 I don't know if I'd be considered "hot" but yeah there have definitely been times when I wished I was uglier so guys wouldn't look at me ~that way~ Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 I know people typically begrudge people who complain about things that are typically viewed as benefits, but I get where you're coming from. It's like how fame attracts unwanted attention. I won't claim to be anything special, but I was known to be well-accomplished academically speaking which created a lot of expectations to succeed and be successful in everything else. I'm terrible at interviews, and I'm bad at making and keeping friends. Occasionally, I'd hate my smarts, feeling like they were responsible for so many problems with my (social) life. Sometimes at our weakest moments, we believe our abilities have cursed us in a way, so I think thinking like that on occasion isn't unwarranted. But, I always conclude that it isn't true, at least in my case. In the end, even though it can be situationally inconvenient for you, having good looks is largely an overall positive. Unless you're really mentally tolerant, it likely feels much worse being "ugly" or, even worse, being despised for your homely appearance. Link to post Share on other sites
Euna Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 Yeah, I can relate to this...in college, it was a big issue for me. One consolation is at least no one can say you're aro ace "because" of your looks. It is completely up to you if/when/where you share this information with your acquaintances, and I'm not suggesting you should. But, the best of your friends might have second thoughts about making you uncomfortable, if they knew where you're coming from. The truly annoying and passive-aggressive people will, unfortunately, just keep being themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLittleRabbit Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Unfortunately, as someone who's been on both sides of this fence, I have to say the grass is always greener on the other side. I used to be massively obese and have no idea how to dress myself attractively. I still had people trying to set me up on dates. I still had people who harassed me in public. Maybe not as much as a kid, but once I was officially legal, it took a real climb. Especially with older men. I had guys come up to me and be wayyy to blunt about essentially offering to "pity f*** my fat a**." Because I was so ugly I must've been soooooo alone, but they didn't care about that because at least I was 30 years younger than them. Now I've lost a lot of weight, learned how the color wheel works, and have a vague idea of what looks good on me. And I definitely have moments where I "wish I was fat again so I didn't have all of these men looking at me." I also have that feeling of being unfair and "leading them on," but when I really use my critical thinking skills... Unless if you're miming doing sexual acts or making explicit comments to them, or they directly brings up the topic and you just sort of go "yeah, errr *mumble mumble mumble" instead of telling them the truth-- You have not lead them on-- they're leading themselves on. If you are going out of your way to delude them to thinking you're sexual so they like you, that's a problem, but if you're being yourself, and they try to accuse you of seducing them, that's endemic of one of the larger problems in society with regards to gender roles and sexism, and probably you're better off not being in a relationship with them. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 There are of course ways to make you such. Keep your hair oily or frizzy or something, don't wear fashionable clothing, act ill-mannered, etc. Yeah it would be easy to just have a button to press to stop people from being attracted to you, but if you make efforts to make yourself attractive than you can hardly complain. This is coming from someone who gets flirted with pretty often (according to my bf, I can't tell) but hardly ever asked out. My twin who people say looks exactly like me in comparison gets asked out a lot. She's nicer, smiles at people more, listens to their problems, etc. She reciprocates actions I ignore. I give off an air of "fuck off" or "I'm not interested". Though this is just my personality. My sis is aro ace and I tell her to act like me but she just can't. Personally I think it shouldn't be that hard to just stop people being interested but I don't really have that problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Halffull Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Just let them paddle their own canoe. If people don't realise I'm more interested in donuts than going out with them then that's their problem. Can get their own donuts Link to post Share on other sites
Sean_Bird Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 What you're going through is understandable. People are frustrating, unpredictable, and difficult to interact with. Personally, I've found that dressing down (in sweats/baggy clothing) will make people around me much calmer, and dressing up will make them more nervous/awkward/weird. Dressing down makes it easier to make friends, basically. Unfortunately, that doesn't help much with flirting, but it generally gets the point across and people don't have high expectations. Last school term I unfortunately had the issue of a freshman hitting on me and being a major creep, despite the fact that I kept going to meetings in masculine clothing or sweats, and kept giving him death glares. I might end up having to write a complaint about him to school, since he was so creepy. I've also found that being open about my sexual orientation and gender identity has made me happier about myself in general. In your case, if you disclosed your ace/aro orientations, then that would reduce the chance of you thinking that people befriended you just to date you. That of course is your decision and yours alone, but might be worth considering if this is a big issue for you. People are weird and suck. I'm sorry that you're frustrated over this, and you're not alone. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sean_Bird Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 10 minutes ago, Halffull said: Just let them paddle their own canoe. If people don't realise I'm more interested in donuts than going out with them then that's their problem. Can get their own donuts This. :D Link to post Share on other sites
ItWasNiceKnowingYou Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 No offense... but this thread is literally one of the funniest ones i've seen as of late. I can't keep a straight face while reading it. In all seriousness though, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I'm not going to waste any more energy & time trying to not be pleasing to other people. If they like the way I look, I don't give a f*ck so long as they don't tell me about it. Same goes for people who have something negative to say. As long as I am comfortable, I'll be ok. Receiving sexual or romantic attention is an annoying pain in the butt. Again I cannot tell people how to react to me nor can I tell them how to feel (because we are all obviously individuals), and I'm cool so long as I don't know about it & they respect me if they decide to share their thoughts....can't promise it'll end well but you get the idea @Lemonasculine no you aren't being ridiculous, but it's best to appreciate yourself & your looks regardless of what you look like. "Being hideous" won't make shit any better. Everyone will always have an opinion of somebody else no matter what they look like. I wish outsides didn't matter so much to people and it's annoying when people can't look beyond that. But imo you have a beautiful personality and would be an awesome friend for anyone to have. Ignore those shallow people and the ones who like you (as a friend of course) for you will show up eventually Link to post Share on other sites
Marrow Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I'm so clueless on that kind of stuff I rarely even notice it happens Link to post Share on other sites
GlassHalfFull Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 21 hours ago, Laplace said: I know people typically begrudge people who complain about things that are typically viewed as benefits, but I get where you're coming from. It's like how fame attracts unwanted attention. I won't claim to be anything special, but I was known to be well-accomplished academically speaking which created a lot of expectations to succeed and be successful in everything else. I'm terrible at interviews, and I'm bad at making and keeping friends. Occasionally, I'd hate my smarts, feeling like they were responsible for so many problems with my (social) life. Sometimes at our weakest moments, we believe our abilities have cursed us in a way, so I think thinking like that on occasion isn't unwarranted. But, I always conclude that it isn't true, at least in my case. In the end, even though it can be situationally inconvenient for you, having good looks is largely an overall positive. Unless you're really mentally tolerant, it likely feels much worse being "ugly" or, even worse, being despised for your homely appearance. I don't know if you want to turn this into a discussion, but I think that most of the benefits made by being physically attractive aka getting asked out, having people flirt with you, and be your friend (because you're attractive) is a negative for this person because they're aro/ace. I mean, they really can't reap from any of the benefits of being attractive. Just a point to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
GlassHalfFull Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 22 hours ago, Lemonasculine said: I swear, being an attractive aromantic asexual is the worst combination. People wonder why I'm single and, in the past, they have tried to pair me up with someone. My attractiveness has made it really difficult for me to make friends with people who are attracted to men. I have had so many bad experiences where they told me they liked me and I got grossed and stopped being friends with them. I think that ruins friendships because I can't look at the same anymore. It makes me hate them eventually because I think that they became my friend just so they can have a chance with me. It makes me feel bad too because I don't tell people in real life that I'm aro ace and they will think that I "lead them on." I've had a bad experience in middle school where this girl liked me and she tried to make my life a living hell after I made it obvious that I don't like her back. None of this would happen if i was hideous. Maybe if I was hideous, I wouldn't have to worry about friends being attracted to me and no one would care whether or not I'm single. Maybe if i was hideous, no one would ever hit on me. It grosses me out when they look at me, flirt, and etc. because it makes me feel so awkward around them. It went to the point where I completely cut off interaction with girls unless I know they are lesbians, asexuals, or they are part of my family. I avoid gay men and bisexuals as well. I don't mind interacting with them and being friends with them over the internet because its less awkward and I don't put up a photo of myself so i don't have anything to worry about. I just have trouble interacting with them in real life. There are some days when I appreciate my looks and other days where I don't. is this normal? am I being ridiculous? Is this normal? Tbh, I can't give a concrete answer. I'm sure that we all wish that we were different in some ways when they seem to offer a lot of negatives. I'm very popular with gay and bi men, so I have wished that I could bisexual or homosexual so many times. Are you being ridiculous? Tbh, I think only you can decide that because this is unique to you. I understand your fear and wanting to avoid people to avoid consequential awkwardness. I would say that nothing you're doing is crazy. I'm very sorry you're stuck in this situation. Also: I'm kinda pleased that you wish you were ugly and not ace instead. It matters to me that you don't want to change your sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
DesiButters519x Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 On 4/24/2017 at 8:48 PM, Halffull said: Just let them paddle their own canoe. If people don't realise I'm more interested in donuts than going out with them then that's their problem. Can get their own donuts Lol! That is so very true, but sometimes some people are just so stubborn they cant take no for an answer, so you have to get crude af. Link to post Share on other sites
shocky2002 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I completely disagree. There's studies out there that show unattractive people get paid less, harsher prison sentences, FAR less attention overall (not just from horny dudes), get less respect in all aspects of life, etc. I think the benefits substantially outweigh the negatives. People subconsciously and consciously treat attractive people far better. Link to post Share on other sites
Frac Posted April 29, 2017 Share Posted April 29, 2017 On 28.4.2017 at 9:30 AM, shocky2002 said: I completely disagree. There's studies out there that show unattractive people get paid less, harsher prison sentences, FAR less attention overall (not just from horny dudes), get less respect in all aspects of life, etc. I think the benefits substantially outweigh the negatives. People subconsciously and consciously treat attractive people far better. A thousand times this. I used to be ugly, but I don't regret being under the knife to fix the issue at all. People treat me so differently these days, it's unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
cooliocool Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 On 4/24/2017 at 8:09 PM, sithgirlix said: There are of course ways to make you such. Keep your hair oily or frizzy or something, don't wear fashionable clothing, act ill-mannered, etc. Yeah it would be easy to just have a button to press to stop people from being attracted to you, but if you make efforts to make yourself attractive than you can hardly complain. This is coming from someone who gets flirted with pretty often (according to my bf, I can't tell) but hardly ever asked out. My twin who people say looks exactly like me in comparison gets asked out a lot. She's nicer, smiles at people more, listens to their problems, etc. She reciprocates actions I ignore. I give off an air of "fuck off" or "I'm not interested". Though this is just my personality. My sis is aro ace and I tell her to act like me but she just can't. Personally I think it shouldn't be that hard to just stop people being interested but I don't really have that problem. Okay, no offense but I don't think you thought out your answer before typing it out. 1. I don't wear fashionable clothing. I wear baggy clothes that are very plain 2. I don't do anything with my hair 3. I don't wear makeup and etc. 4. I look serious most of the time. I'm not going to look unhygienic either. You do realize that someone wearing baggy, unfashionable clothes can look attractive, right? Looks are subjective too ^. Some people look aesthetically attractive no matter what they do because their face looks really good. If a person can go from looking attractive to unattractive with how they dress, act, what they wear, etc., it's because their face isn't that attractive to begin with... Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 3 hours ago, Lemonasculine said: Okay, no offense but I don't think you thought out your answer before typing it out. 1. I don't wear fashionable clothing. I wear baggy clothes that are very plain 2. I don't do anything with my hair 3. I don't wear makeup and etc. 4. I look serious most of the time. I'm not going to look unhygienic either. You do realize that someone wearing baggy, unfashionable clothes can look attractive, right? Looks are subjective too ^. Some people look aesthetically attractive no matter what they do because their face looks really good. If a person can go from looking attractive to unattractive with how they dress, act, what they wear, etc., it's because their face isn't that attractive to begin with... True. I guess maybe I'm just oblivious about that stuff not to notice. Sorry I offended you. Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 @Lemonasculine I relate to this as an aromantic. I'm glad I'm considered aesthetically attractive, but getting flirted with and being the object of someone's romantic desires makes me awfully uncomfortable. Honestly though, now I'm rather curious about what you look like don't worry, not interested, merely curious. Link to post Share on other sites
GlassHalfFull Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 On 4/30/2017 at 3:55 PM, Lemonasculine said: Okay, no offense but I don't think you thought out your answer before typing it out. 1. I don't wear fashionable clothing. I wear baggy clothes that are very plain 2. I don't do anything with my hair 3. I don't wear makeup and etc. 4. I look serious most of the time. I'm not going to look unhygienic either. You do realize that someone wearing baggy, unfashionable clothes can look attractive, right? Looks are subjective too ^. Some people look aesthetically attractive no matter what they do because their face looks really good. If a person can go from looking attractive to unattractive with how they dress, act, what they wear, etc., it's because their face isn't that attractive to begin with... Lemonasculine makes a great point. So people are born wolves, others are born poodles. You might just look like a poodle no matter what. Building walls to shut out everybody will probably prevent you from having a meaningful relationship with truly wonderful people. Link to post Share on other sites
Prufrock, but like, worse Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 How about we act like shallowness is the moral failing that it is? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 I dont understand this issue at all. It's extremely easy to make yourself look gross, so why not just make yourself look gross on the days you don't want attention, instead of moaning about being attractive which is extremely easy to "fix". I make myself look very ugly to avoid unwanted attention even though I'm actually attractive with M cup (US size) breasts on a thin frame. I just go out with unwashed dirty messy hair, dirty nails, no deodorant, huge baggy clothes so no one can see my shape. Easy. Instantly everyone thinks you're fugly and won't look twice at you. If your face is too stunning, you can just buy some fake glasses with really thick ugly coloured frames and wear a mouth guard or something to change your face shape. Being atttactive is an EXTREMELY easy issue to fix, so I'm always baffled when I see people moaning about it. Also if you make yourself smelly (dont shower or wash your clothes at all) people will instantly be turned off by you even if you don't do anything else to change your appearance. You'll just be left completely alone to do your own thing. Edit: Also guys can grow scraggly beards which will help with the image if they don't maintain or wash their facial hair. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Okay I just saw the other comments. They hadn't loaded on my phone when i started replying. However, my answer still stands. Baggy clothes on their own wont make you look ugly, you have to go with the whole image. And I'm not saying someone should have to make themselves look ugly, more that I just dont see the point in moaning when it really is a very easy fix. Link to post Share on other sites
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