Jump to content

Am I asexual or inexperienced?


happilyirrelevant

Recommended Posts

happilyirrelevant

Hi. I’m a 17-year-old female, and I’m wondering whether I might be asexual, or at least grey-ace.

 

I’m not as interested in sex as many people my age seem to be. The prospect of spending the rest of my life without sex seems completely doable to me. I have never really been turned on by porn or masturbation.

 

When I had my first boyfriend—somebody that I thought I was sexually attracted to—invite me over to his place for sex, my thoughts were along the lines of “is it more beneficial to lose my virginity now or at a later age? What consequences will there be of abstaining/participating?” and to be honest I just didn’t feel any lust or whatever. (I’m still a virgin, which is fine by me.)

 

I can and do find some people hot. But when it comes to the question of whether I’d want to have sex with them, my brain just sort of shies away and I don’t really think I’d want to.

 

I have imagined sex, but usually I focus on cuddling and what not beforehand and sort of fast-forward through the actual sex scene. Kissing scenes in movies strike me as very odd, I just can’t help examining them from an anthropological perspective and I don’t feel especially excited by them.

 

I’ve never felt really “straight” or “gay,” but that could be because I’m Catholic and would honestly rather avoid the whole complication of being a non-straight orientation? I don’t know, I’m not that self-aware haha.

 

But I do feel what could be termed “sexual attraction” to people, I think. That desire to touch something and understand it and possess it, at least. That’s what I’ve always thought of as attraction. But I feel the same way, the exact same emotion, about light qualities and stormclouds and wood textures and literary techniques so I’m not sure if I’m unusually attracted to objects or if I’m just assigning a completely unrelated emotion the term “sexual attraction” bc I’ve never experienced the real thing and that’s the closest I’ve got to that feeling.

 

I also am killer at repressing things so I could just be repressing my true orientation or something without knowing I am doing so. And I've never even kissed someone so I might just not have experienced my "awakening" or something yet.

 

Thanks for reading. Any advice or insight would be really really appreciated.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
swirl_of_blue

Hello, and welcome to AVEN! Have some :cake:

 

12 minutes ago, happilyirrelevant said:

But I do feel what could be termed “sexual attraction” to people, I think. That desire to touch something and understand it and possess it, at least. That’s what I’ve always thought of as attraction. But I feel the same way, the exact same emotion, about light qualities and stormclouds and wood textures and literary techniques so I’m not sure if I’m unusually attracted to objects or if I’m just assigning a completely unrelated emotion the term “sexual attraction” bc I’ve never experienced the real thing and that’s the closest I’ve got to that feeling.

That sounds like sensual attraction, and possible also aesthetic (if you find things just nice to look at). Many asexuals can feel sensual attraction without being sexually attracted at all. What you describe sounds very familiar to me, as I can feel very strong sensual attraction but I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone. I've had sex, though, but even then I would have been much, much happier just cuddling or maybe playing with my partner's hair or giving them a massage.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
happilyirrelevant
1 minute ago, swirl_of_blue said:

Hello, and welcome to AVEN! Have some :cake:

 

That sounds like sensual attraction, and possible also aesthetic (if you find things just nice to look at). Many asexuals can feel sensual attraction without being sexually attracted at all. What you describe sounds very familiar to me, as I can feel very strong sensual attraction but I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone. I've had sex, though, but even then I would have been much, much happier just cuddling or maybe playing with my partner's hair or giving them a massage.

Oh, thank you! "Sensual attraction" does actually describe it a lot better than "sexual attraction" does--I guess I was just mixing the two up. So since that's the closest I've felt to "sexual attraction," I guess I am likely ace. Thanks! That really helped me to clarify it. ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites
SithAzathoth WinterDragon

Welcome to AVEN, it sounds like that you might be sensual attracted to people, some asexuals experience this and it's fine, I am in my late 20's and still virgin, I never want that to change and I'm very happy single and never want that to change either.

I hope you enjoy it here in AVEN and find the answers you want, good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can be asexual or just want to be celibate. I'm rather celibate because I don't mind sex and would like to have it but nowadays sex culture annoys me a lot so virginity is my choice. Don't bother yourself and be who you are! 8)

Link to post
Share on other sites
DesiButters519x

I can understand this, to me, as blue said, it sounds a lot like both sensual/aesthetic attraction. I have this a lot too, but that's pretty much about it. I am perfectly happy being this way and you should too. I don't really think anyone is ever inexperienced, I mean at this age, especially given the society we live in, we already know so much by what we hear, the people around us, heck the internet and television teach us a lot. In this topic, I don't think you need to go through something in order to know it. I just think that at times, our ego's and out hearts tend to be clouded, confused at times. We want to fit in and be happy with what we see is "happy". But life doesn't work that way, I know that as much, but things do get to you. I say, just give yourself time. You already sound sure of yourself, so be comfortable with that my dear. Eventually, you will truly discover this side of you, but for now be comfy and enjoy the ride with what you feel is best for you. No one can really know what benefits you... but you^^ I am not the best with words, but I hope I helped in some way. I too am in my twenties, a virgin, and I know enough to now know this side of me, but sometimes I have my slips and trips. We all do, it's human. We just need to learn to embrace and understand ourselves more, and above all, not allow anyone to change us simply because we don't fit with the code. (Hope that made sense... haha) 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
happilyirrelevant
19 minutes ago, Desilu19x said:

I can understand this, to me, as blue said, it sounds a lot like both sensual/aesthetic attraction. I have this a lot too, but that's pretty much about it. I am perfectly happy being this way and you should too. I don't really think anyone is ever inexperienced, I mean at this age, especially given the society we live in, we already know so much by what we hear, the people around us, heck the internet and television teach us a lot. In this topic, I don't think you need to go through something in order to know it. I just think that at times, our ego's and out hearts tend to be clouded, confused at times. We want to fit in and be happy with what we see is "happy". But life doesn't work that way, I know that as much, but things do get to you. I say, just give yourself time. You already sound sure of yourself, so be comfortable with that my dear. Eventually, you will truly discover this side of you, but for now be comfy and enjoy the ride with what you feel is best for you. No one can really know what benefits you... but you^^ I am not the best with words, but I hope I helped in some way. I too am in my twenties, a virgin, and I know enough to now know this side of me, but sometimes I have my slips and trips. We all do, it's human. We just need to learn to embrace and understand ourselves more, and above all, not allow anyone to change us simply because we don't fit with the code. (Hope that made sense... haha) 

It does make sense, and thank you. Since posting this I've learned a lot more about asexuality through AVEN and, for now at least, I do identify as asexual. I'm still learning to reconcile that about myself with what the media shows as the ideal, but I've definitely benefited from how supportive everyone here is. Thank you very much for your reply.

And thank you very much to everybody else who replied, as well. You guys are amazing and I very much appreciate your advice and encouragement.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

So you've never masturbated? If so, you could end up being a normal sexual person once you do, especially if you've never made out/had foreplay before.

Link to post
Share on other sites
happilyirrelevant
21 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

So you've never masturbated? If so, you could end up being a normal sexual person once you do, especially if you've never made out/had foreplay before.

I have, but it's remarkably boring and doesn't really do anything for me at all. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Member116379

I'd been thinking the same. I'm 23 and have only had sex a handful of times with one person. I don't have the concentration or energy to read all the replies right now, so I apologise if I'm just repeating stuff. 

 

I think it's mostly a case of this: do you WANT sex or do you simply feel as if you SHOULD be having sex? The latter was the case for me as, looking back, the only reason I had sex with my ex was because I felt I should be doing so, not because I wanted to. And there's also no reason for not exploring it if you're comfortable with it. It won't invalidate your asexuality at all. So if you'd feel more comfortable trying it out before deciding, go for it. But you definitely DO NOT need to. It's totally your own choice :D

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Asexuality is commonly defined as a lack of sexual attraction or as a lack of desire for partnered sex. As others have said, what you describe sounds more like aesthetic/sensual attraction, which you can read more about on the AVENwiki page. There are plenty of asexuals who have never had sex or been sexually active in any way, so you shouldn't feel that it's something you have to do to tell if you're asexual or not. Of course, it's up to you to decide if you would like to experiment in that manner.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, happilyirrelevant said:

I have, but it's remarkably boring and doesn't really do anything for me at all. 

Then you may not be doing it right or have low hormones. Most women need clitoris stimulation to orgasm, not vaginal, and for female bodied people learning to work it can be a learning process. Low hormones can effect sexual arousal and orgasm intensity, but so can simple things like worrying about orgasming, someone walking in, literal cold feet, etc. Most women also need foreplay or sexual arousal to trigger their desire for sex each time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

While many asexual people can become physically aroused and can enjoy the associated sensations, some report that they don't get anything from genital stimulation. Hormones may be a factor, but keep in mind that "You should get your hormones checked" is a common response that asexual people hear. It's even on the "asexual bingo" card published in Julie Sondra Decker's book The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.

Many women, especially older women in long-term relationships, report finding that they need to engage in foreplay or related activities leading to sexual arousal in order to trigger a desire for sex on that particular occasion. But for the same women, it is likely that at times in the past – such as when younger or at the start of a relationship – desire was more spontaneous. Furthermore, regardless of how the desire to have sex arises on a particular occasion, most sexual people know who they might desire sex with based on the types of people they find sexually attractive. For example, heterosexual women will know that they are sexually attracted to men rather than women, even if they have never engaged in sexual activities with a person of either gender.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It may be a common responce from sexual people, but it's only a valid accusaction if they also have no libido. It being a common inaccurate thing (i.e. most asexuals masturbate) doesn't mean it can't be a real thing (especially for those who don't fap).

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/6/2017 at 8:05 PM, Pramana said:

For example, heterosexual women will know that they are sexually attracted to men rather than women, even if they have never engaged in sexual activities with a person of either gender.

Yes and no. Those women know they sexually desire men because they've made out before/had foreplay or been sexually aroused by them (only a minority of women desire sex without that happening), and while making out is not a sexual activity, it is a sexually triggering activity. So no, they don't "just know", they strictly know through THAT activity having been done before and triggering that desire. That, and they're also already romantically interested in that gender, so of course they'd assume that it'd be sexual too and just expect things; it's not a "i just know and didn't need help from anything" kinda' thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Star Bit said:

Yes and no. Those women know they sexually desire men because they've made out before/had foreplay or been sexually aroused by them (only a minority of women desire sex without that happening), and while making out is not a sexual activity, it is a sexually triggering activity. So no, they don't "just know", they strictly know through THAT activity having been done before and triggering that desire. That, and they're also already romantically interested in that gender, so of course they'd assume that it'd be sexual too and just expect things; it's not a "i just know and didn't need help from anything" kinda' thing.

Can you explain why these women would have wanted to make out with men in the first place, if they hadn't already experienced sexual attraction/desire? Do you really think that most teenage girls have no interest in sex at all until after they start engaging in sexual activities. Can you please provide sources in support of this claim?

With respect, I've already provided you with a significant about of evidence in support of the statement I make above. I would ask that you consider that evidence before responding. The only source you've ever provided me in support of these extraordinary claims you make about human sexuality is Emily Nagoski's pop psychology website, and as I've explained in detail you are misconstruing what she says. A look at the published academic research that she draws on to produce her sex therapy advice would make that clear. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Pramana said:

Can you explain why these women would have wanted to make out with men in the first place, if they hadn't already experienced sexual attraction/desire? Do you really think that most teenage girls have no interest in sex at all until after they start engaging in sexual activities. Can you please provide sources in support of this claim?

Again, no, i did not say that (entirely)-- what is up with you people not reading crap right today. I said it could be many things (below in bold), but that they all had something telling them what their orientation was and did not just "innately know" their orientation with no prior evidence. And again, TWO things can trigger responsive sexual desire; sexual arousal (alone) and foreplay (alone).

 

Making out is not sexual desire or sex. Many asexuals desire to make out. Many sexual women also desire to make out on its own and hate when the other person (normally men) end up desiring sex from it; that's why alot of women say they make out with other women. You've already looked it up (it seems); responsive sexual desire, so yes, you obviously get that most women never desired it UNTIL sexual arousal or foreplay happened. Some of them do experience sexual attraction very rarely, so they could have originally been going off of that too. And a minority of women also have sexual attraction as their primary experience, so they could also be that minority too. So again, it could be one or the other, but they HAD SOMETHING telling them they desired it, not just a "i just knew". If they did have no prior indicators they either forgot because too young or ended up coincidentally being right since 98% desire the opposite gender.

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

Again, no, i did not say that (entirely), i said it could be many things (below in bold), but that they all had something telling them what their orientation was.

 

Making out is not sexual desire or sex. Many asexuals desire to make out. Many sexual women also desire to make out on its own and hate when the other person (normally men) end up desiring sex from it; that's why alot of women say they make out with other women. You've already looked it up (it seems); responsive sexual desire, so yes, you obviously get that most women never desired it UNTIL sexual arousal or foreplay happened. Some of them do experience sexual attraction very rarely, so they could be going off of that too, but a minority of women also have sexual attraction as their primary experience, so they could also be that minority too. So again, it could be one or the other, but they HAD SOMETHING telling them they desired it, not just a "i just knew". If they did have no prior indicators they either forgot because too young or ended up coincidently being right since 98% desire the opposite gender.

Could you please consider the evidence that has been provided? The vast majority of women experience sexual attraction. That is a well recognized fact grounded in evolutionary biology. Also, even if most older women in long-term relationships (note that the research I've seen suggests that younger women and women in new relationships often experience spontaneous desire), that does not entail that they don't desire sex for other reasons, and therefore have a motivation to engage in sexual activities leading to responsive desire.

Second, could you please consider the implications of suggesting that women should become sexually active even though they are neither sexually attracted nor desiring to have sex, in the belief that they will develop these feelings after they start? That is extremely problematic, for obvious reasons.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Pan and others have already had this conversation with you; that you're wrong, and with their own evidence no less. I'm not gunna talk to an ignorant brick wall.

 

Become sexually active eventhough they don't desire sex?? I NEVER SAID THAT, F-ING READ PEOPLE. I said MAKE OUT/FOREPLAY. THAT IS N-O-T sexual activity. And many people, especially young, have foreplay and don't have sex. Doing so is NOT putting them in a bad position, and if their partner expected sex then too bad it didn't turn out, but that's real life. No one owes anyone sex. If they fear the other person having such expectations then they simply INFORM their partner that sex isn't gunna happen, which is a practiced thing too!

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

Pan has already had the conversation with you that you're wrong with her own evidence. I'm not gunna talk to an ignorant brick wall.

I am sorry that this is your attitude. If you are unwilling to consider any evidence that contradicts your opinions, then I'm unsure why you would engage in such conversation in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Again, you're spouting BS according to MANY senior members on here that have been informed of REAL sexuality by REAL sexuals and not Sigmund Frauids (spelling's probably off). I'm not rejecting evidence, I'm rejecting unfounded BS like Frauid. Two different things and a poor attempt to make me look bad.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

Pan and others have already had this conversation with you; that you're wrong, and with their own evidence no less. I'm not gunna talk to an ignorant brick wall.

 

Become sexually active eventhough they don't desire sex?? I NEVER SAID THAT, F-ING READ PEOPLE. I said MAKE OUT/FOREPLAY. THAT IS N-O-T sexual activity. And many people, especially young, have foreplay and don't have sex. Doing so is NOT putting them in a bad position, and if their partner expected sex then too bad it didn't turn out, but that's real life. No one owes anyone sex. If they fear the other person having such expectations then they simply INFORM their partner that sex isn't gunna happen, which is a practiced thing too!

I think you're working with a very different definition of "sexual activity" than what most people would use. For legal purposes, making out and foreplay would certainly be considered types of sexual activity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

Again, you're spouting BS according to MANY senior members on here that have been informed of REAL sexuality by REAL sexuals and not Sigmund Frauids (spelling's probably off).

Please show me where I've cited Sigmund Freud? Also, I'm pretty sure that Sigmund Freud was a real sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm gonna temp lock for 24 horus this before gets hostile and further derailed. If you guys want to keep this discussion up, please start up a new one, instead of sprawling it out over several threads

 

Tal Shi'ar

Co Mod for Questions about Asexuality

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm unlocking this now. I'd like to remind people that Q&A threads are about trying to help new people with questions. Opinions and linking to info and the lid is fine, but having arguments about definitions, subtleties etc don't do much other than potentially scare people away and add unnecessary drama and possible hostility. If you feel the need, styart a thread about it or find one that may have been started already.

 

Tal Shi'ar

Co mod for Questions about Asexuality

Link to post
Share on other sites

You didn't talk about Fruid, he was just an example of a sexologist that was wrong.

 

If making out is done for sexual arousal, then yes, it is sexual activity. And since most sexuals do it for that fact, of course they'd view it as such. And I have mentioned this reading to others that define Asexuality with "sexual activity" rather than just "sex", but they have also mentioned that some people only think P&V (traditional) sex is the only sex, or that doing things for sexual pleasure but not directly interacting with the genitals isn't sex, so this phrasing does have it's benefits as well.

 

Dunno what kind of things foreplay would do that aren't desired for arousal... well, I have heard of people on here wanting to do groping or body licking and didn't mention arousal desire; just getting some kind of emotional pleasure, so I guess it can be. But just making out is clearly capable of not being sexual/lead to sex. Just like for some cuddling can be sexual (i.e. done to lead to sex) but for probably most it isn't. It's all in intent.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...