Sexual with an asexual boyfriend

[frenchfan84]

Hi ! 

 

I am quite new on this website so I'm going to introduce myself and try to explain my situation as clearly as I can. 

My name is Deb, I'm nearly 18 and I'm French. I'm currently living in the UK for my studies and I'd like to mention that it was my biggest dream so it's cool to be able to make it come true so young... I am also a Highly Sensitive Person which is an important factor in my situation. 

Anyway. Enough about me. I don't like to be selfish. 

 

I have a boyfriend. We're together for a bit more than 5 years and we have an age difference of 3 years (meaning that when we meet, I was 12 and he was 15). I feel like I am more "mature" in my state of mind and my way to see things differently but we love each other and this relationship is REALLY important 'cause we're both each others real first love. 

 

Here's the thing. I've been waiting for him to be ready to jump this big step and to agree to have sex for a couple of years now. But something was not like every other couple. My love started to be distant and I felt like he wanted to put a bit more space between the two of us. His wish were granted when I got accepted to go to the UK for a whole year (to study). From there, we both realised that we needed each other but for different reasons. When I got back to France three weeks ago for Easter holliday, we saw each other again and we talked.

A lot.

I had already started to know what was going on with him. He didn't want to talk about sex, not even a bit, and felt really not at ease at all when I asked questions about it. But I thought that it was important for him to know my point of view. I have sexual desire towards him but he does not want to hear about it. I told him anyway, and I also told him that I thought he was asexual. 

 

He made some researched and confirmed and when I asked him an answer I felt weird. (It will probably sounds selfish but it is not) I kinda felt disapointed and all my hopes were a bit .... Destroyed. Not even damaged, destroyed is the good word. All my love for him never were doubted, even with him being an asexual. But I know that I need a sexual relationship that he really doesn't want to talk about and an open relationship is not possible for him at the moment. 

 

I truely don't want to break up with him but I need him to listen to my point of view as well. As an HSP (the really deep and REALLY sensitive kind) I feel that he loves me as well but he feels so distraught and the fact that we completed each other is not fully true anymore.

 

I think I need your opinion because I'm going back to England tonight and we will be far apart for at least a month and a half before I'll be back... I need him to know that I completely accept and understand the fact that he's asexual but I also need him to consider the fact that I need a sexual relationship (and don't want to break up with him). An open relationship would not disturb me but I understand that it can be hard to accept. If I take his place for a sec I probably would feel the same but with time and a few conditions I think that it could work. I don't know how to make him understand my needs when he's disgusted by them.

 

Voilà ! I'm sorry it was a long introduction/first post/first topic but I said all of what I had to ! Thank you for reading this until the end ;-)

[ItsAnAceCase]

Some asexuals are willing to have sex with someone if it makes that person happy (although some not). Every asexual has different preferences. The only thing all asexuals have in common is that they don't experience sexual attraction. If you feel comfortable, maybe you could ask your boyfriend where he stands with this. Other than that, I'm not sure.

[Ennis]

Salut frenchfan and welcome!

Fellow HSP talking.

I suppose the two of you need to figure out together what each of you needs, how far he is willing to go and how much you are willing to give up for this relationship.

Open relationships / polyamory isn't for everyone.

Good luck!

[lookslikeiwin]

I am also HSP and I am a married asexual. I know I don't want to live without my husband, who is sexual, so I have sex with him. I still think sex is gross. We do what we can to keep things clean (like the sheets), we schedule it, etc. Although I have never fully come to terms with it being gross to me, I am kind of over it by now. My husband seems to have also come to understand how I feel (like he used to want sex to be spontaneous etc, but I almost always rejected it T_T).

 

Obviously, I wouldn't suggest pressuring him into sex, but just be very open and direct about:

1. The kind of relationship you need and why

2. Problems you foresee if hhe current situation continues

3. What you intend to do about it (make sure it's clear that you aren't threatening him, but only doing your best to solve your situation), or admit that you don't know what to do and you really need his help to figure it out.

 

And then let him speak and explain himself, and prompt him to work with you on reaching a compromise or solution.

[nanogretchen4]

I think that now that you and your boyfriend realize that you have incompatible sexual orientations, you should agree to just be friends and look for other people to date. Otherwise, he will be holding you back from experiencing a very important stage of early adult self discovery and also preventing you from meeting someone you could be longterm relationship compatible with. And really, you would just be enabling his procrastination about coming out, finding an asexual community, and dating within it. 

[Sally]

I agree with nanogretchen4.   If he does not want to have sex at all, and you do, that's a pretty big dysjunction between the two of you.  Both of you are young enough that it's likely you'll each have chances to meet someone much more compatible.  Otherwise, you'll both be at least somewhat unhappy, and wishing the other was different.  Love does not conquer everything.  

[MrDane]

@frenchfan84 I think you should tell him again, that you want to try having sex, perhaps just a massage kind of thing! If you try it, then you will have something to build your compromise on. Perhaps it can be nice for him too?

...but the refusal to either have it or talk about it, is devastating.