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Is being single better than being in a relationship?


cakeman

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So, I used to really, really want to be in a relationship with a girl, and then weeks later I was doing something random and I realized "dang, being in a relationship is hard." my older sister has a boyfriend and wathing them I realized, jeez, this takes effort. I suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship, but still was attracted. Like my older sister just constantly goes to movies and I keep adding up the time she spent and thinking about how many hours of TV I could watch in the same time. I am not aromantic because I want to be in a relationship but at the same time I don't because it seems like to much work: Why should I put effort into someone else when I can use the same effort on myself (in the most non-selfish way.) Who thinks that being single is not better but less work? I personally believe that I can depend on myself, or I haven't found the right person. I would like to hear your opinion

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Depends on the people? If a relationship feels like hard work, something is wrong. A relationship shouldn't feel like a chore, it should be fun and awesome (though, sometimes there are issues, just like with friendships...). 

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yeah but for me at least (and I have no relationship experience) if you never take your partners out on a date or whatever they might get kind of upset, and I guess if you don't want to date someone you shouldn't be in a relationship but does that make me like aromantic then because I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to obligate myself to giving them gifts or whatever, even though you should. I guess I am just a bad personxD  @Serran

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Just now, cakeman said:

yeah but for me at least (and I have no relationship experience) if you never take your partners out on a date or whatever they might get kind of upset, and I guess if you don't want to date someone you shouldn't be in a relationship but does that make me like aromantic then because I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to obligate myself to giving them gifts or whatever, even though you should. I guess I am just a bad personxD  @Serran

Eh. There is dating, then there are relationships. You can date to get one. Or, you can go from friendship to relationship. Personally, I hate dating. I don't want to be taken out, be stressed, worry about gifts for anniversaries and all that nonsense. I want to just enjoy time spent together, doing whatever. Talking, watching Netflix, playing video games. It's like a friendship, with romantic feelings. And it's the best. But, the dating part? No thanks! 

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AVEN #1 fan

I think it's all subjective like @serran.

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I wouldn't say being single is better, nor would I say is being in a relationship.  It really depends on the individual and what works best for them.  Personally, I find the whole dating thing superficial and annoying.  I do it to meet people, but there are so many preconceived notions attached to dating (like kissing after so many dates or who pays or whatever) that it gets more stressful than it needs to be.  The whole point is just finding a person you like enough to be more than just a friend, which as @Serran pointed out, you can do by going from friendship to relationship. If it's the right person, yes, there may be a few rough patches here and there, but it shouldn't feel like a chore.  Usually when you love someone, it's easier to do things for them because you want them to be happy, likewise, they should be willing to do things to make you happy, as well.  It's a two way street.  That said, if you're truly happy being single, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay single.

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straightouttamordor

Those Aces who have been in marriages or relationships can tell you, it's better to be single than be in a relationship that's one sided. Believe us on this one.

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Well I just think that for me the whole partner things just way too much to handle and it isn't going to be worth it. But I don't think I can ever be in a relationship if I am to lazy to actually spend time going to events with her, but I want to and I don't want to. 

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It depends on the relationship and the people in it.

Single is better than a bad relationship (should go without saying). A good relationship can be better than being single, or vice versa. The ideal, I think, would be a relationship where all parties involved gain more than they would if they weren't in the relationship. Which would make being in that relationship for those people better than being single, I would think. And some people just aren't suited for relationships (which is not meant as any kind of judgement).

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I'll put it like this, stay single until you meet someone that makes being in a relationship feel better than being single.  When you're single, you dont' have to watch what you say, you don't have to give attention, you do whatever you want, you can break laws & not get caught.  You can do all kinds of shit.  I've been single my entire life & I feel like I'm always going to be single; but I met a guy recently & everything with him seems like it's supposed to happen.  We hit each other up at random, we respond when we can & I don't hold anything against him.  Even though we were sad we couldn't see each other before he went on vacation; I still fucks with him.  I've only seen him two times in person but he said we are making plans to go to Iceland, camping & road tripping; on three separate occasions.  Every time I chat with him, it feels like the first night we met.  Usually, I try to look for ways to get out of a relationship, which is funny because I still have that meme that says, "I was asked what I look for in a relationship, apparently; a way out wasn't the right answer."  Never deleting it & not even Jerem is going to make that possible.  lol  But in all seriousness, as long as you aren't harming anyone, breaking hazardous laws or not taking up opportunities; you're fine.  Be single, don't mingle; enjoy your shows.

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I think that if I don't want to go do something with my partner, I am with the wrong partner I will stay single until there comes a person who actually makes me want to be with them.

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2 minutes ago, cakeman said:

I think that if I don't want to go do something with my partner, I am with the wrong partner I will stay single until there comes a person who actually makes me be with them.

That's the spirit!  Sometimes you might say no, but ultimately; if you feel like being around that person in situations you normally wouldn't put yourself in.  That's a strong indication you nee to prep a prenup.

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Galactic Turtle

Over the past several years I've kinda realized that different people feel very different ways about relationships (whereas before I thought everyone felt like me until the stars aligned for them and BOOM!)

 

I know one girl who wants nothing more than to get married and have tons of kids. She's been in a lot of relationships and feels physically/emotionally empty when she's not in one. In other words, without a boyfriend she really doesn't feel as complete as she knows she could feel. The search for a lover is a constant stressor and simple flings just leave her feeling used and/or worthless.

 

Meanwhile my roommate just loves to be doted on. When she's single that means going out to clubs and flirting with guys until they buy her drinks or dumping/sharing emotional baggage with her boyfriend if she's with someone. A lot of her previous boyfriends were kind of crappy, but the one she has now kind of... equally exchanges these emotional expectations so it works. To most people it would just come off as being high maintenance, I think. She says she's in love with the current guy, but is contemplating breaking it off with him because he's about to spend a year in Japan and might be more "emotionally unavailable." She doesn't feel like her needs will be met and she'll end up messing around with other people for fun even if at the end of the day she likes him the most. 

 

Another girl I know argues with her boyfriend nonstop but they say they love each other and she low key thinks that if she loses this guy no one else will ever want her and this back and forth they keep up is better, in her opinion, than being single for the foreseeable future. 

 

For me I understand the merits of a relationship, but have never seen anyone who had been worth it... on top of never being attracted to someone in that way. So when my friends get new boyfriends I kind of raise my eyebrows and internally think "Really? Him?" And when I give them advice I internally think that a lot of their issues seem strange or perfectly avoidable. I think that's just how it is when most of your social circle is in the dating phase. Lots of drama all the time. Eventually they'll hopefully settle down and not have doomsday moments that need a full panel of advisors every few weeks. :P

 

Do I think it's worth it? If you feel like in the end it will make you happy then sure. ^_^ I just might not quite understand it outside of family expectations and financial security. 

 

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God of the Forest
1 hour ago, cakeman said:

So, I used to really, really want to be in a relationship with a girl, and then weeks later I was doing something random and I realized "dang, being in a relationship is hard." my older sister has a boyfriend and wathing them I realized, jeez, this takes effort. I suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship, but still was attracted. Like my older sister just constantly goes to movies and I keep adding up the time she spent and thinking about how many hours of TV I could watch in the same time. I am not aromantic because I want to be in a relationship but at the same time I don't because it seems like to much work: Why should I put effort into someone else when I can use the same effort on myself (in the most non-selfish way.) Who thinks that being single is not better but less work? I personally believe that I can depend on myself, or I haven't found the right person. I would like to hear your opinion

Im the same way! Relationships are soooo much work! But its not really a matter of there being something wrong with you. Its just that the type of relationship you likely need isnt one that a lot of people can understand or accomodate. I personally need someone who is suuuper low maintenence and respects my need for alone time.

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I completely agree with RipleyJ. someone who won't get offended if I would rather look at memes to feel better than talk to them

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God of the Forest
5 minutes ago, cakeman said:

I completely agree with RipleyJ. someone who won't get offended if I would rather look at memes to feel better than talk to them

Exactly!! "Those that matter dont mind, and those that mind dont matter"

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SimplyLights
26 minutes ago, cakeman said:

Well I just think that for me the whole partner things just way too much to handle and it isn't going to be worth it. But I don't think I can ever be in a relationship if I am to lazy to actually spend time going to events with her, but I want to and I don't want to. 

In my opinion it is easier to have a relationship last if it naturally came from a friendship. As then like other people have stated there is very little pressure in those situations and you can see if you genuinely like just being around that person. Heck even if a "relationship" doesn't come from those people, they should end up being good friends.   

Speaking on the relationship side : 
Complacency breads indifference and sometimes relationships are gonna give you issues that you are not prepared for.  Being completely honest I am a pretty lazy human and for nine years despite being a lazy human I was able to have a decent relationship with another human.  However like with all things in life some times incompatibilities you will find much later on then expected. No matter the time you spent with that human you have to be able to let go and walk away if you are no longer happy / they are no longer happy after giving "compromising" a try. 

 

For the future:


Now that being said there is nothing wrong with just grabbing a few humans your close to and discussing a living arrangement with them. Being single as a few other members have stated isn't a bad thing and being able to just be spontaneous with life choices is refreshing. This way you get to have people around and you get to be a lazy human with people that you already enjoy spending time with when you want to. When you don't want to you just close the door to your room and escape from the world. No pressure, no "dating expectations", just trying to get through life with other humans that help keep your sanity. ( If you have any of course, mine wondered off years ago.) 

Or just lots of pets, they work as well. 

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

I find being single far more easy, and better.

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It's really situational. Like I sort of like this girl, but we go to different schools and live about an hour and a half away from each other, and neither of us can drive so it's pretty much a no-go.

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3 minutes ago, cakeman said:

Oh I am sorry @yourcaptaiin , may god give you luck :)

Well, we're in a youth group together, so when that is in session we'll see each other semi-regularly. It starts up again in a couple months, so maybe we'll be able to work something out then.

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I've personally always struggled in relationships, partly because I've ended up involved with sexual and romantic partners which hasn't worked as I don't experience sexual attraction or 'normal' romantic attraction, and partly because I'm an introvert and find human company draining as a rule. I can only cope with being around people for a small amount of time then need lots of time alone to recuperate. I tried cohabiting once and it was the most awful time of my life. I'm much happier being single.

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Relationships have always work involved, unless you are dating yourself :-) I guess the more you have in common with the other person the less hard it gets...But it shouldn't feel like work at all done negotiations as we are all individuals with our own experiences and thoughts. People should just give up expectations and just enjoy the person in front of them as they are, how they come, that would make things easier on my perspective.

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The fact that aromantics don't want to have a relationship is one of the most common myths. I, for example, DO wish to find someone to share my life with, but it's just that my feelings NEVER get romantic in nature: to put it simply, I never fall in love. The kind of love that I develop towards the people who prove themselves worthy of it is born out of friendship. In other words, the core element is that we become best friends in the first place, which, as is normal,  takes a consistent amount of time. My kind of love includes mutual respect, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, gratitude, comfort, affection, safety, warmth. Many of these elements are the same as the pillars needed for true friendship, so you get the point. If the circumstances are favourable, these things can get so intense that they get beyond a normal friendship, however, as I explained, they're NOT romantic in nature. The fact I might also become sexually attracted to a boy I get along with is extra, and it is very important that we are on the same wavelength and that he treats me with respect and consideration, just as I 'd always do the same. 

 

If both of us are comfortable with each other and love each other truly, it will all come naturally. We would always try to understand each other, we would act as a team when facing hardships, we would share our lives as is right and proper. If the 2 persons really are right for each other, there is no reason why either of them should feel trapped. Compromises are necessary because regardless of the romantic/sexual orientation, no two people are the same. If it is possible, they should always try to find a middle ground. (Mind you, a compromise =/= changing oneself radically or crossing one's own hard limits). However, being single is infinitely times better than having a relationship with a person who is not right for you for whatever reason because it would be then that you would feel trapped and deprived of freedom.  

 

If I ever find someone right, someone not only to understand and accept my way of being all the way through (yes, the aromanticism and demisexuality, too), but someone who is also compatible with me goal-wise (I've lost the queerplatonic partner of my dreams because of a hard limit - he can't imagine life without children while to me they are out of the question), it'll be really beautiful. Although the probability is slight :-s. 

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