Advice column on the Dublin InQuirer

[ithaca]

http://www.dublininquirer.com/2017/03/28/roe-coming-asexual-snooping-worse-cheating/

 

Thoughts?

 

March 28, 2017

Roe McDermott

 

Dear Roe,

I know you’ve written about asexuality before so I was hoping you’d have some advice for me. I’m 23, cis male, and realized I was asexual about three years ago.

I went through phases of thinking I was gay because I wasn’t attracted to women and wasn’t really aware of asexuality, but I wasn’t attracted to men either. It wasn’t until I started reading about asexuality online that it started to click.

I’m fine with being asexual, but I don’t really know if I have to “come out”. I know a lot of people don’t believe in asexuality or take it seriously, and I would rather not deal with a load of questions about it. But I’ve never really had relationships or anything close, and I get asked about that a lot by family and friends. So far I’ve just been telling them I’m focusing on college and my interests, but it’s exhausting constantly handling their questions about it and knowing they talk about the fact that I don’t ever hook up with anyone.

That might be a good reason to tell them, but it also feels weird to “come out” when there isn’t really a result at the end. When gay people come out, it’s easier for them to date and stuff but that’s never going to be it for me so I don’t know if there’s a point. What do you think?

Dear Reader,

Here’s my stance on coming out: in an ideal world, the simple answer would be “yes, of course, it will lead to nothing but great experiences!” Actually, that’s a lie. In an ideal world, “coming out” wouldn’t be a thing because we wouldn’t take heterosexuality as an assumed default that requires a disclaimer if you dissent, but sadly we’re just not there yet.

But I can’t unequivocally tell you to come out, either; I don’t know about your support system and if you’ll be respected and safe, and I don’t know if it’ll feel like the best thing for you right now. Also, you don’t ever owe anyone an explanation about your sexuality.

While it sounds like realizing that you’re asexual has been an important part of understanding your personal identity, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a part of your public identity, if you don’t want it to be.

So I’m not going to tell you what to do, either way – but I will share some thoughts that may help you make this decision.

First of all, I want to look at what your idea of coming out is, because it feels limiting.

Gay people don’t come out just so that they can date; they also come out because their sexual orientation is a part of their identity that they want to share, in order to be open with people, and to feel free to express themselves, and to avoid at least some of the assumptions that many people make about everyone being straight.

Coming out isn’t just a mechanism to find someone; it’s an attempt to live more openly and authentically, and that is something coming out as asexual could do for you.

At the moment, you’re hiding part of your identity, and it is creating some distance between you and your friends and family. They’re asking annoying questions because they don’t understand you, and so they don’t know how to support you. Coming out could help that.

It also might be hard, and some people might be shitty about it. That, sadly, is always a risk. However, some of that shittiness may just be ignorance, and ignorance can be combated with information.

If you choose to come out you could always pick some books or blogs or films about asexuality and share these resources with people so that they can learn more about it and hopefully be more educated and supportive.

You also can pick and choose who you’re out to. The great myth about coming out is that people do it once, in a grand dramatic gesture, when the truth is that people can come out a hundred different times, in different contexts and in different ways.

You may choose to tell a few close friends, or you may want to write about it online to connect with other people who are asexual; you may or may not want to tell your parents. You get to decide who to tell.

(Be aware though that you don’t always get to control where that info spreads afterwards. Friends may tell other friends, siblings may tell parents, so keep that in mind.)

Finally, I want to just take you up on your belief that because you’re asexual, you won’t ever date. Now, if you don’t want to date or have a relationship, that’s one thing – but if you do, remember that many asexual people have fulfilling romantic lives and relationships.

Because relationships aren’t just about sex. They’re about affection and respect and shared interests and making each other laugh and feeling supported and safe and loved – you know, all that good stuff.

You have friendships even though you’re asexual. You have familial relationships. You know that relationships and connecting with others is important and fulfilling without sex – and romantic relationships can be fulfilling without sex, too.

Or with sex. Like many people who are asexual, you may end up with a partner who is sexual. In that instance, you may end up compromising on sometimes engaging in sexual activity for pure physical release, or for their pleasure. That’s something you’ll have to decide if you want or are comfortable with.

Or you may find someone else who is asexual, or who doesn’t have sex for another reason. And you’ll still click, and make each other happy, and want to be around each other loads and do gross and sappy and romantic things together.

This might not be what you want and that’s fine – but if it is, I don’t want you to close yourself off from the possibility of it just because you think relationships have to be sexual.

Do what feels right for you, and don’t feel like you have to have it all figured out just yet. You’ve made a big discovery about your identity very recently. Let that unfold. See where it takes you.

Good luck.

[TheDemi_Urge]

Wow I love how they not only answered the question with a great level of support and understanding but she prompted him to consider what it means to come out at a deeper level.