I want a typical relationship ...?

[Mia89]

Hey guys, it's my first post on here! I hope you can help me - right now I'm sort of caught between hoping I'm asexual (that would stop the wondering) and hoping I'm NOT (because that would mean an entirely different set of problems).

 

The trouble is, I want a regular ole relationship. Or at least I think I do ...? Ok, let me explain:

 

When I say I want a relationship, what I mean is I want to find someone who's compatible with me to support and share affection with (also the physical kind, because I'm kind of touchy-feely with the people I love); in other words a partner.

I know, I could be an asexual romantic, but I do want to have sex with that person too. Hypothetically. While I find the idea of non-sexual love strong enough for a permanent relationship very romantic, In my head love and sex do go together.

But I seem to exhibit 'typical' signs of being asexual: I never feature in my own sexual fantasies, I never had a crush (in fact, I tend to find even very attractive people sort of 'ugly', because there's always something about them that puts me off) and I never thought 'I'd hit that' (:D) about a random person. There are also a number of strange emotional attachments to fictional characters (which I heard is apparently not so uncommon either).

I feel like sex in a relationship would be about emotional connection for me, not about lust, but I really do want it. It's just that ... I don't know, reality always seems to fall short? I had several chances to flirt with men, but it feels very awkward (why the hell would they do that with me? I just can't take it seriously), and the one time I actually had sex it was really strange. He seemed to completely zone out, while I just felt like I was having a weird doctor's appointment. Or being fondled by horny zombie. 'Does he really need to touch me there? I feel ridiculous.'

 

Could I be asexual?  Even though I really, really feel like I want a regular relationship that features sex?

 

Your thoughts would be very appreciated!

[BTW: I'm not a teenager going through an identity crisis during puberty. My identity crisis had the good graces to wait until I turned 25. I'm a finished, settled person. Which is probably why I'm so annoyed that this part of me doesn't want to cooperate.]

 

Much love,

Mia

 

 

[timewarp]

So do I get this right - you would like sex, but you've never had a crush? Rather than romantic asexual, for me this sounds more like aromantic sexual.

 

In any case don't think about the label. If you are interested in a relationship that involves sex, go for it. Not being sure is normal, but if you have this urge there's nothing wrong about trying out. And the thing about sex being more about the emotional connection than lust - well, I guess that's true for a lot of sexuals.

[Mia89]

Well, I think I want sex - with the right person. I'm just not sure, because that thought  has always been a rather abstract one.

But I'd never, for example, go out to find a one night stand or want to have sex with someone two dates in (been there, done that, encountered above mentioned zombie). All I could ever think about when sitting in front of a man that was interested in me was 'Yeah, you're not doing it for me.'

I just can't tell if they generally never do it for me or if I'm actually just weird/picky. That's why I think asexuality is such a difficult label - you could theoretically identify as asexual for years, until one day you don't.

Adding to that, I've never had a man stick around long enough to test out whether I'd eventually want to have sex with him. Two dates in two weeks isn't enough for me to care about anyone more than as a friendly acquaintance. I've never understood how someone could be gone on someone right away.

 

For some reason I've never doubted that I'm capable of romantic feelings though. Your answer made me pause for a minute there:D

But I'm pretty sure I am - like 80 to 90 percent sure.

 

And I tried not thinking about labels, but I'm one of those people who keep worrying if something is wrong with them otherwise. I kind of feel like an imposter or as if I'm leading people on when I know they'll want sex at some point and I possibly don't.

[timewarp]

Funny thing is, for me it was the other way around - I thought for years that I was sexual and was extremely confused that it didn't work out when I tried. It took me a long time to figure out what's going on. I pretty much believed I wanted sex, while it was actually just a deeply rooted social expectation. And only after I had figured it out for myself did I actually hear about asexuality. That was this great moment when everything suddenly started making sense.

 

In that sense you're in a much better position than I was, because if it doesn't work out as you expect, you would already have some idea what might be going on.

[lookslikeiwin]

I wanted a normal relationship and just assumed that sex would be fine. As it turns out (now that I'm married) even when I'm turned on, I just don't feel like it, but I love my husband so I do it anyway. Love and sex go together for me, but mainly because I want to do something nice for him, not so much because I feel sexual toward someone I love (if you are this way, you might be demisexual). Sex and attraction, however, are not related at all in my mind. I've never wanted to see a guy naked beyond some mild curiosity, and ultimately I end up finding it all very repulsive. I just joined and I am still considering what I might be, but I'm pretty sure gray asexual is pretty accurate for me. Hope that helps.

[KendraPM]

You could be or you could not be. Sorry there's no straight answer, but the truth is that it's really up to you to know yourself.

I like the idea of sex theoretically, but in actuality I just have no real desire for it in person. I like the idea of sex when I'm not involved, and in theory I like that "someday I'll meet someone and we'll have awesome sex because we love each other," but when I'm being totally honest with myself, I just don't see that happening. I've met the "right person," I've had that relationship, and even with them having sex was more of a chore to keep them happy, even when I enjoyed myself. If they didn't ask, I didn't initiate. I didn't think about it because it wasn't something I actively wanted.

My point is, you're going to have to find out for yourself. My only advice, since you need a label (and I get that, I need one too) is to say you're gray-a. You could want sex, but not under circumstances more commonly found in a sexual person. 

 

There's some mixed feedback on the term, but cupiosexual is a term for an asexual who wants a sexual relationship.

[The Dryad]

I kinda struggled with this as well, not really wanting sex or romantic relationships, but rather forcing myself to fake being cis, or rather me being formerly cis. I didn't understand that aromantic asexuality was a thing, and assumed I was straight, but my friends were developing crushes, so I faked a crush and a straight sexuality, it doesn't help also being aesthetically attractive to men, so I kinda get where you're coming from. There's also the social norms of being in relationships and not wanting to die alone.

[Mia89]

@timewarp: I actually always felt asexuality was the sword of damocles hanging over my head; after all, it would be much easier if I'm not. I guess such things are never entirely pleasant.

 

@lookslikeiwin : I can actually sympathize with this a lot more than I thought. I'm not sure if I would really feel attracted to someone I love or if it's just a sense of 'I want to provide them with things they need'. But I guess I could live with that. It just seems so difficult to get there when everyone wants sex all the time. How did you do it during the dating phase? I've had a lot of men simply not calling me back when I didn't put out.

I was also surprised that you differentiate between sex and attraction. I guess it makes sense, but I never thought about them as different things. But then again, there can be different sorts of attraction, right?

 

@KendraPM : Ok, so this kind of clicked with me - thank you! As said above, I feel sex should just be a part of a relationship, so I kind of want to provide that to the person I love. I'm not sure if that desire actually has anything to do with me though. I'm still holding out for demisexual maybe, because enjoying sex would be pretty cool, but I'm relieved now. 'Cupiosexual' is even kind of a cute term:D

 

@The Dryad : My last crush was so long ago, I can't actually remember if I faked it or not. Is that strange? Maybe I convinced myself. I think a huge part of my problem is that I work in a field with very many women; I haven't had even a casual male (straight) acquaintance since I graduated high school. Also, I seem to be kind of blind to interested looks - blessing or curse, I'm not entirely sure.

[lookslikeiwin]

6 hours ago, Mia89 said:

 

@lookslikeiwin : I can actually sympathize with this a lot more than I thought. I'm not sure if I would really feel attracted to someone I love or if it's just a sense of 'I want to provide them with things they need'. But I guess I could live with that. It just seems so difficult to get there when everyone wants sex all the time. How did you do it during the dating phase? I've had a lot of men simply not calling me back when I didn't put out.

I was also surprised that you differentiate between sex and attraction. I guess it makes sense, but I never thought about them as different things. But then again, there can be different sorts of attraction, right?

Yeah I find my husband aesthetically attractive and I am drawn to his personality, but I don't think I have ever associated any of that with sex, so I have to define them separately.

 

For dating, I found it useful. I was already waiting until marriage, so it was easy to filter. If a guy vanishes because you don't want to have sex, then it clearly wasn't going to work out anyway, so nothing to worry about. There were multiple reasons I wanted to wait, but the easiest one to provide was that I am a Christian, and since I find most dating etiquette to be ridiculous too, I'd talk openly about being a Christian to screen them right away. If they stayed interested then maybe they would be worth my time, and if not, then I didn't waste any. I figure being quite candid and blunt is the way to go to avoid confusion. You lose prospects that way - I only dated two guys before I married the second one - but who cares? You only need one. Also, some guys find it more attractive if you haven't been with a bunch of people.

 

I would suggest just being honest and straightforward about the kind of person you are in the dating arena. To another asexual person, they will be happy you said it, and to a sexual person, just be clear that you have the intention of only having sex after you are married or whatever your stipulations are, and under those circumstances you aren't going to deprive them of it. That way you only get people sticking around that are on the same page as you, and therefore worth spending the time and energy to get to know in a romantic context.

[x_creampuff_x]

dont worry about putting a label on yourself and just have the relationship that you want to have instead of worrying what it means

[Mia89]

@lookslikeiwin: Thank you for your advice. It's kind of nice to be brought back down to earth - this whole thing makes me feel far too different from everyone else, and I guess that's not any healthier than trying to make myself 'normal'. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels modern dating can be pretty ridiculous about sex.

 

So, I'll see where things take me. I still feel a bit anxious about it, but acknowleding I probably don't want to have sex won't make me any more or less asexual than I've been my entire life. It's also comforting to know that I'm not weird (at least not for that) to want sex and possibly not want sex at the same time. (Ok, maybe a little weird.)

 

Thank you all very much!:)

[KendraPM]

On ‎4‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 4:34 PM, Mia89 said:

@lookslikeiwin: Thank you for your advice. It's kind of nice to be brought back down to earth - this whole thing makes me feel far too different from everyone else, and I guess that's not any healthier than trying to make myself 'normal'. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels modern dating can be pretty ridiculous about sex.

 

So, I'll see where things take me. I still feel a bit anxious about it, but acknowleding I probably don't want to have sex won't make me any more or less asexual than I've been my entire life. It's also comforting to know that I'm not weird (at least not for that) to want sex and possibly not want sex at the same time. (Ok, maybe a little weird.)

 

Thank you all very much!:)

More on the dating aspect, even before I realized I was asexual I didn't feel comfortable having sex with anyone I'd been dating for less than a few months. I needed to have real, strong feelings to feel comfortable giving them that kind of intimacy. And yeah, some guys didn't call me back, but plenty do as well. It depends on the guy. My ex-fiancé and I were dating two years before I finally decided that maybe waiting until I wanted too have sex was taking too long. He very much wanted sex and started asking about it within a few weeks of dating, but that's the thing with the right person, they also don't want to make you do something you're not comfortable with (he was also my first, so that may have played a role into why he understood my hesitancy, even if we both took it to be for the wrong reason.) If a guy stops calling after two dates, chances are he wasn't really in it for more than the physical anyways. That's the way of some people. One of my closest friends prefers sex over a relationship and so usually stops responding to a guy if they don't end up in bed within the first few dates. Another waited until she was engaged. I personally wait until after three months of solid dating and lots of talking about my way of approaching sex (sometimes its easier to explain to the guy I'm dating about my neutrality on sex before I mention the word asexual since so many people who actually know the word take it to mean sex-repulsed) before I'm willing to have sex.

My point is, there are people out there who are more than willing to wait, some who will want to wait themselves, and some who may not like it but will give waiting a try. You just have to weed out what you don't want from what you do.