Emery.

This may be a long thread

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... because I want my own place to spam ;) Feel free to rant in response.

 

So I caught up with other areas of my life, I no longer feel depressed, so I think I thought about my gender situation for real for the first time, as in... doing anything became realistic. It's been extremely difficult to reach any conclusion. I tried out different things and then I think I froze before trying to transition socially. I think because it feels so morbid, and it's so personal to talk about trans stuff. It's painful for me to try to fit in with other people's boxes. I know I was first meant to be a boy. I know it. I've been different this whole time, growing up has been... confusing, with nobody like me around. But I truly don't care about the social role I play. I mean, if I'm a man or a woman, not in terms of gender roles like... what you like to do. Both have their upsides and downsides. It's difficult for me, because nobody understands that. I have my urges to be a guy, to present as one, I feel like one, I'm still on the fence about my name. Clothes, clothes, this topic confuses me too. On one hand it helps somehow to dress like a guy, on the other for one I'm too lazy, and for two, I also feel like nobody notices? I feel like I like the woman I am, but it's not an excuse to suddenly disrespect how I identify (I know some people would want to). I can't say I'm unhappy as a woman. I have my urges, but I can't say I'm unhappy. I feel like there is lacking an honest discourse - I mean in which the author is honest with themself - about people like me, about people who are way too much like the other sex for things to go smoothly, but doesn't end up transitioning. I still am this wierd androgynous-crossdresser-somewhat gay-gender swapped-feeling male-tomboy person. But in all that, I don't feel at odds with my body. I'm... okay with it. I'm oblivious as to which "package" which goes with the body I get and I feel like there's nothing wrong with being a woman like me. So I guess it sets the scene. So in terms of gender identity I'm probably both, but I still fell like I would be a quite boring guy. So...? I don't know what that's called. I have no interest in knowing.

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I don't know, I sit here and wish I had someone I could talk to, who would understand and help me out. My situation is so painfully ambiguous. I feel trapped, I have no idea what to do. There is a part of me that would transition an stuff, and there is a part of me that wouldn't. I don't even know. I was brought up to be a feminine girl. Somewhat. All I know is that I'm not my authentic self. But how to get there? Who am I? Should I come out or shouldn't I? Am I trans? If that's not the solution - then what is the solution? It's not that I "like sports" or something like that. That I "objectively" "am a tomboy". That fails. I have no proof, and that can be the problem I really have. My past and who I am tels lies - it's not who I feel good being. So no, I'm not a masculine woman. I keep on feeling distressed and hopeless. People have such backwards views and I just feel like withdrawing so often. But I need other people. I feel trapped again. I need rest, but I have so much to do... What does it mean for me that I am a guy? That's a good question. They devoid me of any particulars. They devoid me of myself. I just... I don't agree that in order to feel this you need to do that. I feel like I don't want the coming out to carry consequences. I'm also not sure how I feel about dressing masculine, in a way... it's a statement. If it was because I enjoy ties, that'd be fine. I'm just not fine with any statement actions. On one hand I would want to be a guy, like, socially, and on the other I feel like being a woman is fine and I hold certain... pride about it? I, for one, like dressing like a woman, and for two, it just feels wrong to deny that I'm female or to have something against it. I don't want to be confined to performing a role.

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Ok, screw all that, I probably need a healthy dose of "be yourself and don't overthink".

 

Screw worrying whether I should come out or not, and screw clothes. And screw pronouns.

 

I might be an overworrier. Maybe it does show (my gender). And maybe that's all alright what I think and reaosnable.

 

I should just do whatever I want to and follow any urges I have. Don't I? That's how you become yourself, I think.

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