How is this situation perceived?

[Yona]

Hey y'all,

 

I met a guy online playing video video games, and we have talked on the game, over voice chat, and on facebook for maybe 3 years now. He lives in a different state. Last year, my friend and I went on vacation near his town, so we met up with him and his friends and spent the whole day together. They were all super sweet, and I got zero creepy vibes from any of them--and I spent all of college shooing creepy guys away, so I feel like I have a good idea of what to avoid. Honestly he comes off as supportive, sweet, and mature.

 

I'm 25 and he's 29, and we're both single. Neither one of us has ever been in a serious relationship. Neither one of us has really made any sort of romantic gestures towards the other. I do think there's some interest there on both sides, but who knows.

We've been talking a lot about visiting each other again. He's suggested things like going skiing and cooking me fancy dinner--he's a chef. He's never once suggested I stay at his place. From the start he mentioned I'd stay in a hotel by myself. His friends would also come along.

My thoughts on this: I don't care either way if this becomes romantic or not. I've lived in Europe by myself, and I've been on my own for two years, far from family. So I don't see taking a flight somewhere as being inherently more special than driving--it's just a mode of transportation. I would love to have a mini vacation with friends somewhere new. Even if romantic interest was expressed, I would still say no--I would want many more in-person meetings before initiating anything at all. I'm super snail pace and also on the ace spectrum.

 

Other thoughts on this: I'm paying for my own ticket, considering getting a rental car. I suggested we stay in the city near the airport (3 hours from his home), that way we're somewhere public literally the whole weekend. He's mentioned meeting some of his family while I'm there (stuff like "you like cake decorating, and my mom does that for a living--she says she'll teach you!") And while I don't think there's any malicious intent there at all, that may be more appropriate for a later trip. I'm extremely conservative in relationships.

 

My mom's thoughts on this: If a woman flies out to see a man, it means she's loose and offering herself to him. All he wants is sex, and he will probably try to get it by force. I'm being stupid and not thinking with my head. I only want to see him because I like him. I shouldn't see him at all because there is zero chance of us lasting as a couple--because neither one of us is planning on moving across the country to be together. It's dangerous, and if I go at all, I need to be accompanied by friends or by a sibling. Online friendships aren't real friendships, and he's been lying this whole time pretending to be a good person just to get in my pants. Having spent one day with him doesn't count as knowing him.

 

Yeah..... about that... I've hung out alone with guys til all hours of the night in college, sometimes at my dorm, sometimes theirs, sometimes downtown, alcohol involved a few of those times. I've spent time one on one with guys in foreign countries. I've often hitched rides from male co-workers, who I honestly know less than I know this man. Clearly I haven't died the whole time I've been on my own in college, abroad, and now as an independent adult. Because I'm not stupid. I had to get a restraining order on one guy, so I know how creepy they can be. But I've also had really wonderful male friends, so I know that not all men are evil.

So please. How is this situation perceived? Is my mother correct in saying I'm basically offering myself up for sex? Do people's minds really work like that?

[Evren]

My mother thinks like that, however I personally believe that she gets way to worried over stuff like that. My mother convinced me when I was younger that if my uncle got drunk he would be completely different and abusive. He likes making jokes when he gets drunk, and giggling to himself it's adorable. She has this weird idea that you should date men but men cannot be trusted and going with them somewhere alone is a bad idea. If you've already been to see him and you have experience with creepy guys then I really don't think it would be a problem. A plane is just another way to get somewhere.

[StrangeStory]

35 minutes ago, Yona said:

If a woman flies out to see a man, it means she's loose and offering herself to him.

No. Nothing means anything. Is there some great book which tells us what everything means? Is it taught in schools? No. Relationships should not be guessing games, trying to figure out what someone's behaviour supposedly "means". We have language, which tells us exactly what we want to know.

 

Why not tell this guy what your mom said? Then say, "Just to be clear, that's not what's happening here, right?" Rather one awkward conversation than wasting money on a trip.

 

 

[Mermaidy]

A lot of older people have that feeling about online friends lol.  My parents kind of did.  I met my group of friends online about 8 years ago, and some of them are my actual best friends and their friendships have lasted longer than offline relationships I've had with people.  I'm also married to one of them now

 

Even though the internet can still be dangerous some times (like all things), most people just don't use it for malicious intent anymore.  no one does that.  it's so unlikely that someone who's been your friend for 3+ years at this point has been carrying out this elaborate plan to use/murder you lmao. it's not the 90s anymore

[TessaMe]

 

My siblings and I tease my mother about this all the time, and she knows it's true.

 

In all seriousness, though, it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of what's safe and what's not.  I'm sure there are some people who do think, "oh my God, she said she'd come over.  We're totally gonna have sex," but to assume that's what he's thinking isn't fair to him.  I mean, it has been three years.  I'm pretty sure he would have schemed something much sooner than that, if he had poor intentions, and from what you're saying, it sounds like he's taking your thoughts and feelings over this trip into consideration.  You sound like you're pretty level headed about all of it, and taking whatever precautions you can because, yeah, you still want to be safe.  If it was me, I'd probably go for it, especially since you met him once already with your friend.  Keep your wits about you, yes, but no need to be paranoid.  After all, every friend or lover was once a stranger, no matter how you met.