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artemisia

How painful is first time sex?

9 posts in this topic

I wanted to ask the ace ladies who've had sex (intercourse)...just how painful is first time sex? I have thought about dating non asexuals, but I am terrified thinking about how much having sex might hurt. (I have had some horrible gyn exams in the past.) The gyn just suggested to "use a lot of lube." Any stories/advice?

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I'm demisexual myself. The boy was gentle and careful and it only hurt during the first minute. Very little blood. Try to relax your muscles. 

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Your partner should take a lot of time streching and using lots of lube. That being said, just dating a sexual person does not mean you are somehow obligated to have sex, especailly if it terrifies you. When you're scared your muscles clench up, and that isn't going to help either of you.

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Just to be clear, dating sexual people does mean you're expected to have sex, even if you're not "obliged" to (no one is obliged to have sex). The answer above seems to be saying you can date sexuals and not have sex with them and that's fine, but the fact is you'll end up with some pretty unhappy partners if you went into sexual relationships thinking not having sex won't be a bummer for them. For almost all sexual people, sexual intimacy is an integral part of romantic relationships and for many of them, a relationship isnt complete or whole without sexual intimacy. So yeah, that's definitely something you need to think really hard about if you're worried about having sex. Also, to make sex less painful (and enjoyable if you're lucky) you need to be very comfortable, VERY aroused, and you need to know how to make yourself orgasm. Otherwise if youre just lying there gritting your teeth waiting for it to be over, it'll suck for you and your partner wont get anything out of it either (for many sexuals, a lot of their pleasure comes from knowing you're enjoying it too)

 

Regarding the pain,for - me vaginal sex hurts like hell, no matter how much lube there is. I've had sex hundreds (probably thousands) of times in the past and every single time was excruciating agony, like having boiling water poured inside me (I'd be raw and swollen after too) ..no matter how much lube i used. I was sadly in a position where I thought I didnt have a choice, and my doctor didn't help by telling me to just keep having more sex and eventually I'll enjoy it T_T I also experience extremely painful gyno exams, always have. Doctors never understood my pain and said I wasn't relaxed enough etc, but turns out I have a disorder called vestibulodynia (extreme pain upon penetration of the vagina). I never really wanted sex anyway, and when I finally learned about asexuality that seemed like the answer for me. I'd just have asexual partners and never need to worry about sex. Now however (years later) I've realised I can actually enjoy certain sexual acts enough to want/choose to have them for pleasure, as long as my own genitals aren't involved (no vaginal sex or me receiving oral or anything like that). I met my partner on AVEN and we don't mind if we never have sex, but we know we could enjoy some things without issue. So yeah, now I know I'm actually a sexual who just doesn't give much of a toss about sex and could happily never have it again. 

 

Anyway for people without vestibulodynia, sex can hurt for a short time during the first time it can hurt a lot for many times, depending on the size of their partner, their arousal level, how much they love and trust their partner, all sorts of factors. The more aroused you are, the less it will hurt. The vaginal tissue swells up and becomes all wet and slippery and also expands to allow the guy inside you more easily if you're aroused, so that's the most important thing if worried about sexual pain. Hope that helps :cake:

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It depends on the person and the situation. For me it didn't hurt at all, even though I was not aroused (no foreplay at all) and we didn't use lube. There wasn't any bleeding either. There were a couple of times later with another partner (who was...larger) that hurt a tiny bit at the beginning, but it really wasn't bad (no lube or foreplay either, I was wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible). I had had one gyno exam before my first time and the doctor had told me that my hymen seemed "very stretchy" and that I probably would have an easy time having sex. I guess she was right. Gyno exams, while not too bad either, have been much, much more uncomfortable!

 

So in my experience it is possible to have PIV sex without being aroused at all and still not have it hurt. It didn't feel like anything at all, and I was just bored.

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It wasn't painful for me at all. I don't like gyn exams either but sex is different for me. If you use lube and don't just put it in without any preparation it shouldn't hurt that much. 

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I'm not ace but I'm a lady so imma answer. I have severe vaginismus - intense and painful muscle spasms in the pelvis upon contact. I had a lot of help from a gynecologist but exams still bring me to tears from the pain. However, when I'm turned on, it's a totally different story. Sex is not painful for me at all. My advice is that in the event you decide to try sex, take your time and use lubricant. If it hurts, wait a minute. If it continues or is too painful, stop. If your partner is understanding, you should have complete control over your body so it's a lot easier than a doctor that needs to poke around and swab stuff. Being aroused will relax the muscles and release hormones. Lube will reduce painful friction. Don't forget prep work and that you can stop at any time and you should be fine. :) 

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I was a virgin who had never masturbated really (except outside stuff, cause people told me I should... which wasn't fun :P ), so when I first had sex it was the first time *anything* had been around there. No exams, no toys, no nothin'. And, due to that, even the "playing around" before we decided to try sex hurt and caused me to bleed. TMI:

 

Literally a single finger, slowly inserted, caused me to bleed. But, I was super nervous and that doesn't help.

It wasn't really that painful, but we did have to stop the first time. Second time was fine though. And every time after that. Until I began dating a person who was much larger, then I experienced the pain/bleeding again, for the first week or so. Then it was fine. 

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I'm ace, but I do masturbate, so for me it helps to masturbate with sex toys before intercourse with my partner. That way I can control the pace and the girth of the insertion. I don't masturbate with my partner present, so I want to know beforehand if my partner wants sex one day. Intercourse after masturbating is often close to painfree for me.

 

Before I birthed a child, I had very clenched and tense cervical muscles. Intercourse was more painful the less stretched I was. Orgasm before intercourse helped to relax my cervix and prepare me for penetration.

 

There is a sex toy called "womanizer" that is amazing for inducing orgasms without having to be penetrated. It's worked wonders for me, but I've heard it can be too intense for others.

 

As to the first time we had sex, I found it very painful and my partner had to disengage before he reached climax. It went okay for the both of us because we'd talked it out beforehand and knew that the first time might be a failure. 

 

The second and third time were also painful, but we always talked it out afterwards and as we continued it got less and less painful, if not actually pleasurable. (I can't orgasm from pure penetrative sex and oral sex performed on me grosses me out.)

 

As to sexual positions, I've found the missionary style to be restrictive (I kind of get squiched into the bed under my partner) and my partner has to work more and longer to reach climax. Doggy style is easier and faster for us, but it can be more painful if my partner penetrates too deeply and hits the end of my cervix. Cowgirl would be okay since I have more control, but I also have to do most of the work, which I'm not really motivated to do. 

 

Sex is different for everyone and people have different preferences. The first time can be very intimidating and yes, painful. You're not obligated to do anything and only you can decide what you're willing to do.  If you do decide to have intercourse with your partner, the best you can do is talk about it beforehand. Explain your fears. Talk about what you'll do if you have to stop. Make it clear that it's OKAY to STOP. Communication is paramount in a sexual relationship, even more so if one of the partners is a virgin or an ace.

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