Joselyn

Asexual virgins, what does your gyno say about it?

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I'm almost 28 years old, asexual and a virgin. Recently I went to the gyno for the first time ever, I just never had the necessity to go there but now my job asks employees to do all the health checks. So the doctor started to ask me about my sexual life, what kind of birth control I use, etc and when I said I'm a virgin, she looked at me as if I was an alien and commented that I should be having children by now and advised me to see a psychologist, because that might solve my "problem" .

 

Has anything like this ever happened to you?

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I avoid the issue by not going.

I probably should go considering (CW) I've had three periods in the past 40 days, but frankly I'd rather die.

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This is the reason I hate going to the Doctors :(

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39 minutes ago, Joselyn said:

I'm almost 28 years old, asexual and a virgin. Recently I went to the gyno for the first time ever, I just never had the necessity to go there but now my job asks employees to do all the health checks. So the doctor started to ask me about my sexual life, what kind of birth control I use, etc and when I said I'm a virgin, she looked at me as if I was an alien and commented that I should be having children by now and advised me to see a psychologist, because that might solve my "problem" .

 

Has anything like this ever happened to you?

My gyno wasn't that rude. She did ask if I had any physical trauma, that was preventing me. But I just said nope, I've just never met anyone I was attracted to and she seemed to put it down as weird but not life threatening :P

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Im still fairly young, so its not entirely out of the norm for me to still be a virgin, she might think I'm waiting until marriage or something. But my gyno is actually really nice and would probably just accept my word on it that im fine with it. 

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She has NO BUSINESS talking to you like that. It's YOUR decision to have or not have sex, and also whether you're going to have children or not. I was a virgin when I went to the gyno for the first time and she was very understanding. I had gone because I wanted to get the pill because my period was extremely irregular, and it was recommended to get the examination done. I wasn't as bad as I had thought. I've gone to the gyno twice after that, and both of them have had no problem when I've said I haven't had sex for five years. They haven't even asked about any reasons or talked about having children. And I think that's what they should do, just be professional and not assume something is wrong. I have had a much worse experience asking for my test results when I had had STD testing (I had unprotected sex with my then boyfriend ONCE as I was on the pill and he said he had only been with a virgin before me and so had to be clean. Later he turned out to be a real asshole and I no longer trusted that he wasn't lying), as the doctor, who was not a gyno, telling me everything was right seemed very surprised someone of my age (I think I was 22 or 23) was having sex. He pretty much made it sound like I was sleeping around and a slut and questioned why I had even wanted to get tested. If you run into a doctor who's acting as unprofessionally as your gyno find another one if it's at all possible! A good gyno is worth their weight in gold.

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Nobody was surprised about my virginity because when I was for the first time in gyno, I was 19. I haven't been here since this time. I'm afraid about telling it because I could be treated as a freak of nature.  You can always say you haven't met right person, wait till marriage or you'd prefer selfdevelopping.

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I'm so sorry you had that experience. DEFINITELY switch gynecologists--you want someone who is medically knowledgeable, kind and that you can trust.

 

My primary doctor is also Catholic, so she doesn't expect me to be sexually active as an unmarried woman, and therefore she wasn't disproving of my celibacy choice at all. You could consider finding a devout Catholic doctor for the same reason, if you're also single. Certainly not all devout Catholic doctors are listed here, but this database is something: http://www.cathmed.org/physician-directory/

 

 

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I'm sorry you went through that. I'm 47 and have never been to a gynecologist.

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 Back when I was still in New Jersey, I had two different experiences within the same practice. 

 

 The not-so good OBGYN was some woman, and I had been getting sick because my hormone levels and my period. I was 15/16 so I'm guessing my hormone levels were adjusting. This one looked at me like I was a slut and I'd never had sex with anyone. But because I was a teenager, I still felt like she applied those stereotypical ideas onto me. Also, her hands were FREEZING when she was doing the exam. Never spoke much, was just as well a robot was doing it. 

 

The good one was the one my mom and i went to before we left the state. Given this is 6-8 years after that other experience. Actually treats you like a human being. Didn't mind at all that I was someone who's never had sex or wanted birth control.  Now being in another state *sigh* It'll be a miracle of it's own if I could find one like him, because I want birth control to stop my periods from coming every month.  

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When I was at the doctor asking for birth control. For some reason we got in the conversation about sexual activity and when I said I've had none. My mom was in the room with us because she works in the clinic. So they don't care when she's in the room even when I don't want her to be. My mom says "I never understood how she went 17 or 18 years without sex."  stared at me and said "well you have a lot of time for that."  I could help but sit there and think "Really..right now". 

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Holy fuck, I am sorry you went through that!

Definitely changes docs ASAP!

My gyno knows I am a virgin and of course he is fine with that. I have had no problems with my gyno.

 

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I like how every asexual must have a gyno because of course all asexuals are female-bodies. :P

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I have yet to find a gyno I like, and honestly have given up on finding a decent one in America.  All the ones I have seen put their own personal beliefs before science and medicine... I actually had an extremely negative experience with a cross-wearing Christian gyno because she was so pleased with my "celibacy" that she more or less told me that God would solve the health problems that I had several other gynecologists tell me the only solution for was surgery.  The only thing they can all agree on is that as long as I don't start skipping my period, my condition isn't life threatening, so I've given up on doing anything about it until it becomes more serious or I can find someone I actually trust to be honest and non judgmental.

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I haven't been to a doctor since I turned 18. XD Though my mom says I should see a gyno. I hate it when doctors touch me though and my one growing up had no sense of personal space, insisted I had no friends, and that everything I wore was ugly. 

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23 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

I haven't been to a doctor since I turned 18. XD Though my mom says I should see a gyno. I hate it when doctors touch me though and my one growing up had no sense of personal space, insisted I had no friends, and that everything I wore was ugly. 

I've told that as long as there's no problems and you haven't had sex, that there's no reason to see a gyno. All their checking for down there is a kind of cancer you can only get through sex.

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Just now, Evren said:

I've told that as long as there's no problems and you haven't had sex, that there's no reason to see a gyno. All their checking for down there is a kind of cancer you can only get through sex.

There's a shot my doctor told me about when I was 17 for some type of... vagina cancer... and that I had to get the shot before I had sex or before I turn 26. Is that a type of cancer you can only get if you're sexually active? 

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6 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

There's a shot my doctor told me about when I was 17 for some type of... vagina cancer... and that I had to get the shot before I had sex or before I turn 26. Is that a type of cancer you can only get if you're sexually active? 

Your doctor was probably talking about the HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) vaccine. There are at least two different vaccines, but both of them prevent infection by the most common human papilloma viruses (there are several viruses that are quite similar to each other). HPVs cause cervical cancer, and the virus is spread through sex. So if one stays virgin for their whole life, they are probably safe from cervical cancer as they will not be infected by any HPV. Having the shot is almost as good, though not it doesn't protect from every type of the virus. In addition to cervical cancer the HPVs also cause genital warts. Most HPV infections are asymptomatic and will never cause any problems and will even resolve on their own, but there is also the risk of cancer developing at some point.

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I know about that cancer because my mother refused to let me get the shot. :( The shot protects you against cervical cancer caused by HPV. It does not protect against all HPV viruses, however these are only passed by sexual contact of some kind. Pap smears also check for pre cancerous signs, but you can only get the cancer by having sex.

https://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-vaccine-young-women.htm

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10 minutes ago, Evren said:

I've told that as long as there's no problems and you haven't had sex, that there's no reason to see a gyno. All their checking for down there is a kind of cancer you can only get through sex.

There are other problems unrelated to sex that they can notice, especially if you were born prematurely.  If you're a premie, really all babies, are supposed to be checked shortly after birth for certain physical defects that can cause complications later on.  I was born over two months early and with so many other health problems that in the chaos I guess they never checked down there even though I was in NICU for five months.  My case is super, super, super rare.  All the doctors I've seen just sort of stare at me trying to figure out how I managed to reach adulthood without anyone noticing, which is frustrating for me because none of them have previous experience with this, but because I am the unlucky one in a billion, I do advocate for young women to get an examination down there pre-puberty.  Once everything is all developed fixing physical deformations is a lot more painful.  I think of it being equivalent to getting circumsized as an adult, but of course there's no way to really compare the two.  

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30 minutes ago, Evren said:

but you can only get the cancer by having sex.

That's good to hear. They made it sound like I was at risk no matter what (though I guess they also assumed I'd be having sex even though I said I wasn't).

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16 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

That's good to hear. They made it sound like I was at risk no matter what (though I guess they also assumed I'd be having sex even though I said I wasn't).

Yeah they tend to just assume your going to have sex. 

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Next time I go I'm going to try to talk them out of doing a pap smear, nothing's changed since my last visit so I really don't think it's necessary. Just give me my damn BC prescription so I can get my period under control. Or better yet, remove the whole thing. 

 

I've only been once so there hasn't been a real issue of not having sex yet. Hopefully it stays that way.

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You can still get other cervical cancers though, ones not caused by HPV, if you haven't had sex. I was diagnosed (and beat) ovarian cancer last year, they found it whilst looking for something else. So I'm a big advocate for gyn exams in every female. It's a lot easier when you find a good gyn who understands your issues.

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7 minutes ago, Ciri said:

You can still get other cervical cancers though, ones not caused by HPV, if you haven't had sex. I was diagnosed (and beat) ovarian cancer last year, they found it whilst looking for something else. So I'm a big advocate for gyn exams in every female. It's a lot easier when you find a good gyn who understands your issues.

I wholeheartedly support this! I have read conflicting information on whether all cervical cancers are caused by HPVs or just ALMOST all. Some sources say you can't get cervical cancer if you never have the opportunity to get HPV from a sex partner, some sources say you just have a very, very much reduced risk. However, if you get unlucky cancer can hit ANYWHERE. Any cell in a body can mutate enough to start a cancerous tumor and it's worth it to get checked regularly.

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I did some reading on this issue a couple months ago when it was suggested to me after I started a thread on topics for an essay concerning asexuality and the law. There's a well reported 2014 study that questions the value of annual pelvic exams, and instead recommends an exam once every 3-5 years.

http://annals.org/aim/article/1884537/screening-pelvic-examination-adult-women-clinical-practice-guideline-from-american

I came across a number of stories from women frustrated that their gynaecologist was unaware of, and had difficulty accepting that, someone could be asexual. Hopefully increased awareness of asexuality will remedy this problem.

There's a related issue concerning doctors who require that women have pelvic exams in order to be prescribed birth control, or to have their birth control prescription renewed. I recall reading a few stories by asexual women who only wanted birth control to deal with period issues, and who were upset by this practice. It can also discourage teenagers from accessing birth control, and creates difficulties when there's a tight timeline for renewing a prescription.

http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/06/apps-let-you-get-the-pill-skip-the-pelvic-exam.html

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I've never seen a gyno and never intend to, but you can most certainly get cancer down there without having sex. That said, you can get cancer anywhere so I'm not sure why you only get checked in the reproductive bits.

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Shoot, man. What kind of gyne would be that naïve and insensitive?! I hope my mother's gyne isn't that mean and misunderstood. I haven't visited her for the first time yet ever since I started having more frequent irregular periods since 2008 and spotting last year D:

 

My mom says she's very nice but what if once I come out clean as a virgin ace (and whether or not I decide to also say that I'm ace), I fear it'll change. I just need a checkup and hopefully some med or two and/or tests to help regulate back my period and stop the spotting.

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That was uncalled for and undeniably rude, but that gyno is probably one of the bad eggs among the greater many and hopefully you were just unlucky to have this particular gyno assigned to you.

 

I recall finding it amusing when I talked to a nurse about starting birth control (to relieve period pain) and her response to my virginity was the typical 'one day you'll meet the right man'. Let me tell you, it was hard to contain my inner amusement. She had readily assumed that I was straight and also assumed that I hoped for children. Oops!

 

I think it is harder for those of especially older generations who have not ever felt alienated from society's expected norms themselves to understand or even consider that the very people they wind up talking to might not fit in. I suppose that fewer of them have opportunity or willingness to use the internet and therefore don't tend to come across or learn about such things. That doesn't mean that it isn't right for us to feel wronged or offended by them, though.

 

I have to say, I'm utterly dreading having to arrange to speak to a nurse/doc about the possibility of abdominal hysterectomy! Let's hope I can keep my mouth shut if they say anything rude. 

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I'm a dude but my most recent visit to the doctor was actually very positive. I was asked if I was sexually active, and I said no and I don't plan on being so anytime soon. I'm fine with answering the question cause I figure it's a legitimate health concern for doctors when their patient is around college age/early twenties. My doctor actually complimented me and said my decision to avoid it was smart. I mean it is the only way to 100% avoid venereal diseases and unwanted pregnancies so 🤷🏻‍♂️.

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