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All things genderfluid!


Ruka S.

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On 7/13/2017 at 10:35 PM, Kiaya said:

Hi,  I'm genderfluid. Most of the time I'm female but I get really bad dysphoria when I'm a guy.  Sadly my parents are homophobic in the  extreme so I'm so far in the closet I found Narnia.  I was wondering if there are any tips you guys have that could help with the dysphoria?  Also if any of you know where to get a good binder for cheap I'd really appreciate it. Thanks :) 

Hi Kiaya!

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with homophobic/transphobic parents. That's never fun. D:

 

For me, what ultimately started to help with my dysphoria, were a combination of things.

 

1. Being 'out', but more importantly, being honest with people about my feelings. (Sorry the first part isn't an option for you yet, but coming to Aven or other forums with similar minded people is a great place to start! Even if you can't come out to family, you have access to people all over the world who can love and support you through this!)

 

2. Adjusting my personal view of what masculinity is and trying to look like a man not to other people, but myself. Masculinity is subjective and differs between cultures, and more importantly, between people. If you were born male, how would you act differently? How would you look? Would you act like a gentleman, or a frat boy? Would you go out of your way to overcompensate to be 'masculine', or just be a good person who expresses themselves as male? For me, personally, I found that if I were born male, my ideal self would be a cross between 'hippie' and 'gentleman'. I looked at the positive aspects of both stereotypes along with what I've noticed in other men fitting these criteria. Because of this, instead of shifting my actions to be stereotypical male and trying to look like a man to other people, I tried to look like a man to myself. Is a real man someone who wears low pants and has a flat chest, or opens doors for people and treats everyone with respect?

 

One of the nice things about trying to dress for yourself, rather than other people, is that you don't need to be 'out' for it to work. ;) Sometimes just hanging out in your room while wearing masculine clothes might help, even if you have to change before going outside.

 

3. Losing weight. This one is hard and I've struggled a lot with it, but being fit has helped a looooot with my dysphoria. I used to be 160 at 5'4" with large breasts, so cross dressing was near impossible. Now that I'm almost 40 lbs lighter and try to exercise more, looking like my ideal 'man' is a lot easier. (This actually startled me a little when I'd randomly look in the mirror and look much more masculine than I'd intended)

 

As for a binder, there are $30 ones on GC2B that are pretty sweet, but I'm guessing that you'll be able to get by with asking your parent for a sports bra in the mean time. (Bras and binders are a pain, both on the body and in the wallet. :( )

 

Hope that helped, and I wish you luck! Take care Kiaya, and let me know if you have any other questions or help with anything!

 

 

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I've started calling myself a girl in my head again, which is strange considering I haven't been finding any specific gender feelings lately. maybe it's a habitual thing. like I got used to it and it's the path of least resistance. 

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I feel so incredibly male this week, like, it's never been so strong I think. Like, male as in "should I transition to male"-male. Which is stupid, because everything will be back to agender soon enough. But it also makes me question if I was ever agender to begin with, or if I was just... mistaken and blind. *the greatest of ughs*

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The-world-is-quiet-here

all the gender feels :( @Finn.

 

also, about calling yourself various pronouns and things in your head, it feels like I'm actively working to use they pronouns for myself. I don't know if I would be more comfortable with she pronouns again, or what... I haven't been thinking about gender things lately, I guess it (gender changes) just kinda happen(s).

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@The-world-is-quiet-here yeah, it's been a while for you, right? I think I cycled through male-ish-ness at least two times since your gender was distinctly different the last time (correct me if I'm wrong). You could try a pronouns-validation thing on tumblr? There's also this website where you can put your name and pronouns into text excerpts, like Alice in Wonderland for example. 

 

I feel like my gender is this prominent thing for me right now which doesn't help at all. At this point, when I'm agender or something, it's less *there* in my mind. Idk. Maybe it's just dysphoria. Binding didn't help at all today, my head went all fuzzy and everything else about my body just started to give me more dysphoria than ever. Like, my brain's focus went from the most obvious thing to all the details it usually doesn't care about. Thanks.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Yeah, it's been a while since my gender changed. But lately, like the past couple days, I've been feeling kinda... feminine? Idk how to describe it. Like I almost want people to use she pronouns for me and call me a girl, or like it doesn't hurt when they do. Idk. I haven't felt too feminine since like, January, so this is a bit of a shock. It's kinda nice. At the same time, I feel like I can't tell my mom about wanting her to use she pronouns for me, cause by that time, my gender will have changed again and I'll feel dysphoric about it. 

 

-TW internalized stuff, transphobia, ableism-

Does anyone else deal with internalized transphobia? I'm not sure if that's the right word for it. My thoughts are like, "what if you're crazy? everyone else around you has a static gender" and "maybe you're really a girl- it doesn't bother you right now, does it?" IDK. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but it has still kinda been on my mind.

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On 7/25/2017 at 8:10 AM, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

-TW internalized stuff, transphobia, ableism-

Does anyone else deal with internalized transphobia? I'm not sure if that's the right word for it. My thoughts are like, "what if you're crazy? everyone else around you has a static gender" and "maybe you're really a girl- it doesn't bother you right now, does it?" IDK. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but it has still kinda been on my mind.

TW continued +self harm (only realized what 'TW' meant when I saw your post!)

 

Sorry this gets a little long. I got a little ranty. ^^"

 

I've felt that before, and it sucks. For me, one of the things I have to do is list off all the reasons that I'm obviously not one gender, and that tends to stop it or at least lessen it (sometimes mind tricks work for things related to dysphoria, sometimes it doesn't). One of the things that I concrete know and have evidence for being genderfluid, is that I cross dressed all through high school. Two, is that I tried so goddamn hard to be one gender, that I cut myself and was suicidal for a while. I literally have the scars to 'prove' my trans status. Three is that... I spent 20 years trying to be one gender and absolutely loathing myself for not being able to 'choose one'. Being one gender isn't supposed to be so hard, and if it took me that long to not get anywhere, I don't want to spend the next 20 years hating myself for something out of my control. I'd rather spend my energy trying to be happy and a normal, productive, constructive member of society.

 

Having concrete evidence, like pictures or scars, makes me remember that I'm not 'crazy' or making it up, which helps. (ironic for the cutting part, but I didn't do that for attention or to kill myself. It was a mix of hating my body for not being masculine enough and that it genuinely felt good sometimes) For the most part I try to stay positive, but I mean, it would be nice to just not be genderfluid and stick to one gender. Internalized transphobia used to be really bad for me, especially before I realized what I was. I would do this weird dance where I hated reading stories with a male perspective, but I also wanted to dress and act like one, but not tell anyone why.

 

In a way, I dealt with my internalized transphobia the same way I dealt with my sexual orientation. I spent years trying to be like everyone else and hating myself for not having a solid gender/sexuality. It was frustrating to no end. I did research, tried different things, and forced myself into new situations (not always good) to see what would happen and push my boundaries within the confines of society's rules. With sexuality and gender, those were two things I couldn't force myself into, and I fought myself for years to find a middle ground. Explore genders, try to find one and stick with it. Explore sexuality, find one I liked and stick with it. Eventually I got tired of forcing myself to choose, and in both examples, it was very much a "F*CK YOU GUYS, I FOUND A LABEL FOR ME." feeling once I figured it out. With sexuality, after 3 years of being sexually active, I realized that I don't experience sexual attraction. With gender, after over 20 years, I realized that I shift through so many genders that I don't even have names for all of them.

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Hello fellow genderfluids! I have a silly/fun/sci-fi theory and question:

 

Question: Is anyone else here an artist or creative thinker?

 

Theory: So, there haven't been many scientific studies done on genderfluid people, but there has been some on trans folks. One of the cool things they've discovered, when comparing the brains of trans and cis gendered people, is that their preferred gender matches up. Like, a cis gender woman will have a similar brain function as a transwoman. Essentially, their bodies might be different sexes, but science showed that their brains were similar in function.

 

So, going with the idea that gender is essentially a brain pattern in which people think and it's actually just a specific way that the brain functions, what if genderfluid just means that we utilize more parts of our brain than most? Or shift in the ways that we use it? That instead of sticking to one way of thinking/brain pattern, we shift between using different parts of our brains, and that manifests as 'genderfluid' because we're shifting what parts of our brains that we use so regularly? (Sidenote: if that's true, then there could hypothetically be more genderfluid people today than 1,000 years ago, since technology allows us to multi-task so much)

 

Going with this theory, that would explain other genders, too. They would just mean that people use different parts of their brain and the way it functions determines their gender. Going with the example of a typical female, she would know that she's female not because she was told she's a 'woman', but because her brain functions in a specific way and she subconsciously picks up on other similarly brained people, women, and associates herself with them. (the arbitrary gender roles, such as house cleaning and baby rearing, would come after seeing similar minded people doing those things and associating those actions with that brain pattern, rather than the reality that those are circumstance and tradition) If someone's brain doesn't function like a typical male or female, they wouldn't have a gender to associate to because they can't find matching brain patterns.

 

Continuing with the brain pattern idea, that gender is just a consequence of our brains subconsciously labeling and finding each other through brain patterns, that would explain why people find other genders (non binary) so offensive. It's not the idea of gender, it's that subconsciously we recognize that it's literally a different way of thinking on such a fundamental level, that we subconsciously label it as abnormal. With today's society we amplify that primal instinct of 'different is bad', so when encountering people who literally think different than them, they lash out more because of the primal aspect.

 

Thoughts? This is just a fun theory on genderfluidity that I've had for a while. It has a bit of a sci-fi feel, but it's fun. :)

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Hi, so I am new here and I know that is is going to sound strange, but I am very confused and I would really like some help. I am a girl and I feel like a girl and I like guys. Everyone tells me I am a hippie so I guess that I sort of am, but that isn't the point. I like being a girl and I don't want to be a guy, except sometimes I kind of feel like one and act like one. And well I guess I could say that I feel like a mix of a girl and a guy. I mean like some of the things I do I guess could be considered more typical male things like I will let my leg hair grow out pretty long and then eventually shave it when it starts feeling itchy if I am wearing long pants or something, but people say that that is just because I am a "hippie". Also, I have a younger brother but he is much taller than me so if I like his clothing when he grows out of them I ask for them. And I really enjoy wearing what is considered guy clothing and hanging out with guys, but I also like to wear what is considered girl clothing and dresses and stuff. I care about how I dress sometimes but other times I will just wear whatever I is the cozyest. I am just really confused because I like being a girl but feel like a guy sometimes 2 and sometimes I kind of want to be one but also a girl. I don't really know how I am feeling but if anyone could please help me out it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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8 hours ago, ToriS said:

Hi, so I am new here and I know that is is going to sound strange, but I am very confused and I would really like some help. I am a girl and I feel like a girl and I like guys. Everyone tells me I am a hippie so I guess that I sort of am, but that isn't the point. I like being a girl and I don't want to be a guy, except sometimes I kind of feel like one and act like one. And well I guess I could say that I feel like a mix of a girl and a guy. I mean like some of the things I do I guess could be considered more typical male things like I will let my leg hair grow out pretty long and then eventually shave it when it starts feeling itchy if I am wearing long pants or something, but people say that that is just because I am a "hippie". Also, I have a younger brother but he is much taller than me so if I like his clothing when he grows out of them I ask for them. And I really enjoy wearing what is considered guy clothing and hanging out with guys, but I also like to wear what is considered girl clothing and dresses and stuff. I care about how I dress sometimes but other times I will just wear whatever I is the cozyest. I am just really confused because I like being a girl but feel like a guy sometimes 2 and sometimes I kind of want to be one but also a girl. I don't really know how I am feeling but if anyone could please help me out it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Sounds like you're genderfluid to me. If you feel like a dude some days and a girl others, that's pretty genderfluid.

 

I recommend not stressing about it too much. If you're a woman, great. If you're a man, great. If you're genderfluid, great. No matter what your gender is, you're a wonderful human being. :)

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1 hour ago, Sean-Kat said:

Sounds like you're genderfluid to me. If you feel like a dude some days and a girl others, that's pretty genderfluid.

 

I recommend not stressing about it too much. If you're a woman, great. If you're a man, great. If you're genderfluid, great. No matter what your gender is, you're a wonderful human being. :)

Thank you so much that is actually really helpful and I really appreciate it. And you are very nice, thank you. :)

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10 minutes ago, ToriS said:

Thank you so much that is actually really helpful and I really appreciate it. And you are very nice, thank you. :)

No problem, glad I could help. :) Feel free to ask more questions here (or rant or whatever, since this is a good space to vent about genderfluid stuff on occasion) or PM me if you need help or just feel like chatting with someone. Have a good one. :) 

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I've been feeling somewhat female lately, though i'm not sure why. I haven't even checked in with myself about my gender that much, but she pronouns haven't been bothering me (like at all!), and I've started thinking of myself as sapphic again.I've kinda been calling myself a boy in my head, but I think that's just a habit thing, especially cause I ID'd as a demiboy for so long.

 

I don't feel like I have gender euphoria necessarily, but it's more like the lack of dysphoria. Is this what cis people feel like, all the time? 

 

I'm going on a family vacation for the next week, and everyone uses she pronouns for me. I'm sure those will be grating in my nerves by then. <_<

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I don't really have much to say, so I'm just checking in for a genderfluid person who is usually somewhere between agender and female.

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Been feeling agender for the last couple months. *looks at watch* Only a matter of time.

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Dave Strider

Hey, I'm new to this site, and I'm also pretty sure I'm genderfluid. I've been scared to make up my mind, and it's really hard to decide on my own, since I don't know anyone who feels the way I do, so, yeah. But anyway, Hello!^_^ Oh yeah, sorry, by the way I'm Bisexual.. Possibly Pan.

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58 minutes ago, Dave Strider said:

Hey, I'm new to this site, and I'm also pretty sure I'm genderfluid. I've been scared to make up my mind, and it's really hard to decide on my own, since I don't know anyone who feels the way I do, so, yeah. But anyway, Hello!^_^ Oh yeah, sorry, by the way I'm Bisexual.. Possibly Pan.

Hi! Welcome to Aven! :cake:

 

As for labels, dont stress too much. Whether or not you're genderfluid is ok. :) If you have any genderfluid related questions or just feel like venting, feel free to comment on here or send me a pm.

 

 

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Sorry I post so frequently on here. ^^

 

I just realized that, although my gender is mostly out of my control and unpredictable, that I'm more likely to be male when I feel uncomfortable and threatened. When my grandma and her racist husband visited, and the husband turned into a pig, I felt uncomfortable and needed to bind/dress masculine to feel safe and comfortable. Today, in the aftermath of dealing with my neighbor's house fire,  I also dressed masculine/binded.

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26 minutes ago, Sean-Kat said:

When my grandma and her racist husband visited, and the husband turned into a pig

This reminded me of Dudley Dursley. Did Hagrid succeed in actually making him a pig this time?

 

It's never occurred to me before that gender can be directly affected by circumstance. Interesting...

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Dave Strider
10 hours ago, Sean-Kat said:

Hi! Welcome to Aven! :cake:

 

As for labels, dont stress too much. Whether or not you're genderfluid is ok. :) If you have any genderfluid related questions or just feel like venting, feel free to comment on here or send me a pm.

 

 

Thank you! I appreciate the help and I'll be using this site more often!

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I've been questioning that I ever questioned my gender. Like, I know that what I experienced when I felt nb and demiboyish was real and legit and whatnot, but it feels so much like a dream to me now. It seems so fantastical. And some of my friends are nb, but I don't want to vent to them in case it triggers their dysphoria. I just... I'm not sure if I feel female/feminine ish, but she pronouns haven't been bothering me for a couple weeks. This whole thing is so confusing. I wish I knew other genderfluid people irl.

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@The-world-is-quiet-here gender is confusing. I also wish that genderfluidity was more common. I mean, our role models are so limited- other people have thousands of role models of their gender to choose from and model themselves after, and genderfluidity has like... 2. I've never met another genderfluid irl either.

 

I've also found that when I'm not male, female, or agender, I'm especially confused about what gender I am. I think I've identified about 6 distinctly different genders I shift through, but I don't have names for some of them, and pronouns don't seem to work for them either. Even "they, them" pronouns seem wrong.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Thanks for your answer, @Sean-Kat :) I know!

 

....that genderfluid feel when you follow a blog for bi women, knowing later you'll feel dysphoric and gross about it because you don't feel like a woman atm :( 

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Luftschlosseule

Since yesterday I feel like a big bowl of ice cream with two flavours swirled together and every bite tastes different. Every few minutes I change from agender to woman. Also, the weather is warm as you might have guessed from that metaphor. Want to hide under a blanket because of other stuff going wrong but it's too warm.

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Yesterday, my mom told me she thinks I'm genderfluid. Like I said before, I kind of am, but I never told her.

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Enne Kristin

I feel really neutral atm, neither fem or masc. not even inbetween as usual, last 3 weeks where leaning towards feminine, but since a few days I am just neutral and some kind of veil lies over me and I does not alter. Have experienced this before, often was a forecast for depressive episodes in the past, but I know how to cope with that at least :) 

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Sleepy Skeleton

I know I've always been some kind of non-binary, but I was always afraid of calling myself genderfluid because I don't like the assumptions people make about that. I also knew someone who was genderfluid in real life and I didn't like them at all, so I guess that put me off from using the label for myself. I'm still not sure whether and I'm genderfluid or simply bigender, but for now genderfluid seems to be the right choice.

 

My dysphoria comes and goes, and the days when I'm feeling particularly dysphoric are when I lean towards masculine. Thankfully my chest is small enough that I don't really need to bind. Wearing a sports bra under a shirt of a certain fit usually works for me. My biggest struggle is finding masculine clothes that fit me. I'm too small for most clothing designed for men, and I can't always find fashionable pieces in the young boys' section. :P

 

The second thing I struggle with is my hair and face. My hair is a bit shorter than my chin, but I don't know how to style it in a way that looks masculine. I LOVE long hair on men, but since I don't pass for a boy I just look like a normal girl with normal girl hair. It's frustrating. I'm also sad that I have a weird looking face (small forehead and eyes, chubby cheeks) , so if I try to look masculine I just end up looking like an unattractive masculine woman rather than a cute feminine boy.

 

Honestly though, my ideal self would be like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I wanna be a surfer dude with long blonde hair. Instead I'm a skinny, awkward AFAB. 8)

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  • 2 weeks later...
SimplyStormclouds

Hullo I'm a new human :D

I don't super know if I'm genderfluid but I think I might be? I kind of fluctuate between 'girl' and 'agender' and 'vaguely non-binary' but I've never felt masculine? So I don't really know. I'm AFAB and I don't think I've ever felt dysphoria (Which I'm very grateful for.) But I don't really know what exactly dysphoria feels like. I know a few non-binary people, and only one of them uses a binder, but I've never talked with any of them about dysphoria or what that's like. I mean, I've had moments where, usually when I'm out in public, I'll kind of realize that I look rather feminine, and probably everyone around me sees me as a girl, and it makes me kind of uncomfortable, but I've never wanted to change my body pr get surgery or anything of that caliber. Sometimes when I'm feeling less feminine I'll be less comfortable with things like skirts or excessive jewelry, but sometimes I'll be feeling full on agender and like 'I should wear that pretty pink dress I have it'll look great with this necklace.' I can't always tell whether my choices on how I present myself are based on what I'm feeling at the moment or how I think people will perceive me.

Like I said, I don't really know if I'm genderfluid or not but I think it's likely. Honestly 'I don't know' can probably sum up most of my attitude towards my gender identity at this point. I'm sure there are other people here who can relate to that sentiment. 

 

Oh yeah, and before I forget-

Quote

I thought I was abrosexual

@Sean-Kat thanks for learning me a new word I'd not learned before :D 

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I wasn't agender for long, maybe a week. Now it has already changed. I don't know, I think it's like both agender as well as transmasculine if that makes sense. Like, I feel quite agender. But then also not. And I am attracted to men, so there's that sign too (I'm not usually attracted to them when agender). It also seems like it's changing throughout the day, to which degree I am transmasc.

 

@SimplyStormclouds welcome! :cake:

I only realized I had dysphoria quite a while after realizing I wasn't cis. Sometimes it's just not so obvious and you simply don't feel valid (trans enough), and don't look further. 

6 hours ago, SimplyStormclouds said:

and it makes me kind of uncomfortable

Look, this already counts as dysphoria, imo. Social dysphoria is a legitimate thing. It's not just about top and/or bottom dysphoria and medical transitioning. Do and don't do whatever feels right for you.

You don't need to specifically know which genders you're fluid between. If your gender changes (to whatever degree and no matter how often), you can totally use "genderfluid" as you label. Maybe try the label on for a while and see how it fits.

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