Living Vicariously Through Literature/Film to Experience Sexual Attraction?

[BlueHeron]

Hello! Over the past year as I’ve realized my asexuality, I noticed something very interesting. I've always loved heavily romantic or sexual plots in anything from TV shows to web comics. I’m a romantic ace but I realized that what I had initially perceived as curiosity and the pining of a teen/tween were actually my attempts to live vicariously through characters and experience sexual attraction. When I think about things regarding asexuality, I’ve found that I am turned off from that literature/film. Anyone else who’s experienced or struggled with this sort of living vicariously to experience sexual attraction?

[MoraDollie]

Well there's limnosexual, where you experience sexual attraction ONLY when exposed to audio, visual and/or written forms of sex or sex-like activities (any depictions). However, when it comes to the “real world”, there is NO sexual attraction. Don't know if this term could help you out?

[red iris]

Um...ALL of my sexual fantasies involve fictional characters (I live for fanfiction). And to be honest my reading tastes (I predominantly read pairing fic, and I do read smut) and the fact that I do have a libido always precluded me from thinking of the asexuality spectrum as applying to me... Until I spoke with a friend and then learned about grey-sexuality! So yes? Very much so? I never really imagine myself in any scenarios, sexual or otherwise. But I am veeeery drawn to romance and even sex acts in fanfiction. I think the reason has partly been low self-esteem (who could want to be with me?), but also because I probably require an emotional connection before sex would even be on the table (or on my radar, frankly)... and it's a little hard to "imagine" someone you have an emotional connection with in a one-off fantasy, lol. Unlike fanfiction, where clearly you're choosing to read about a particular group of characters because you were drawn to their emotional bonds (even if the story is just a PWP).

 

One term my friend shared with me is "autochorissexual" which struck me as very true to my experience thus far. But I have yet to be in a relationship, or have sex, so I can only really say that I'm grey-sexual (or demi-sexual). 

 

Not sure I understood this bit though:

56 minutes ago, BlueHeron said:

When I think about things regarding asexuality, I’ve found that I am turned off from that literature/film.

When I first started questioning my asexuality (like, a couple weeks ago, haha), I tried imagining myself doing certain acts (kissing, oral sex) and was surprisingly turned off by acts that I had been turned on by when imagining fictional characters doing them. Initially I thought, "Oh god, did I just turn myself off from enjoying smut in fanfiction??" But nope! Fantasy involving fictional characters is completely different, apparently. For instance (warning for TMI), I usually read M/M or the occasional M/F and had always identified as straight prior to this (straight woman reading about two men getting it on, no brainer right?). But then when I tried imagining performing oral sex on a woman or a man, I got very turned off by the latter but could see myself doing the former, which was very weird for me! I joked with a friend that my dating profile should read, "I like hypothetical dicks, thanks."

 

Hope that helps -- but would love to hear what everyone else has to say, either about your experience or my own! 

[artzcat]

I think I can relate to this some. I really enjoy romance in movies, shows, books. I love seeing characters fall in love and when I feel involved in the characters relationship and see the emotional connection between them, I enjoy sexual plots too. I have always created my own world and characters and sometimes imagine myself as a character that is romantic and sexual.

 

But when I imagine my real self in romantic or sexual situations, it feels really uncomfortable and slightly disgusting. I can't even see how kissing would be a pleasant thing to do. And I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. I'm cool with others being all romantic and sexual, but I guess I just don't want to personally be involved in that. I've never dated before and I have some insecurities so I am open to that changing. But also open to the idea that it might not. 

[Toothlesss]

 it depends on my mood and exactly what context..like playing The Sims and the Woohoo'ing (even if it's a character similar to myself)- I don't mind and sometimes even play a character as a player. 

 

In fanfiction... I'm up for any good story tbh. As long as sex isn't the only thing in the plot. 

 

Movies- I watched the David Tennant version of Cassanova on Netflix, and enjoyed it. Considering how much sex plays a role in it, it was done in a way where I didn't feel repulsed about watching it. Other movies...let's just say it's a case by case basis. 

 

TV series...I mostly watch animation anyway because if there's romance, it's sometimes written better than some of the live action stuff out there.  (Hiccstrid (HTTYD) and Jim and Claire from Trollhunters  )  

 

In my own original fiction- eh- it depends on the story and the plot. In one the villain's pretty much a serial rapist, but the societies in two neighboring countries are mostly opposites when it comes to how forced gender roles are etc.  

[BlueHeron]

Thanks so much for all the responses!

 

1 hour ago, Kumo said:

Well there's limnosexual, where you experience sexual attraction ONLY when exposed to audio, visual and/or written forms of sex or sex-like activities

Never heard that term before! I have considered autochorisexual though which I guess does apply.

 

1 hour ago, red iris said:

But I am veeeery drawn to romance and even sex acts in fanfiction.

Same!

 

46 minutes ago, artzcat said:

 

But when I imagine my real self in romantic or sexual situations, it feels really uncomfortable and slightly disgusting.

Also same!

 

What I'm curious about is whether these interests are a way for me to experience something that I never will in my own life. It's definitely slightly sad that one might yearn so strongly for something that they will never achieve. Then again, that's no different from wanting to be a superhero. Perhaps I'm just rambling and looking for others to shed some light.

[Star Bit]

Well, aromantics can "live vicariously to experience romantic attraction", so yah, you'd most certainly not be the only one. What you're a fan of doesn't reflect your orientation. Autochrois is a completely normal asexual; most masturbate and most use erotica to do so. Faping habits do not create their own sexuality, only who you desire sex WITH does. Sexual arousal is not sexual attraction.

[BlueHeron]

Very good point Star Bit. It would seem that that would be exactly what might be so confusing for someone discovering asexuality for the first time. It's surprisingly obvious yet elusive.

[TheLittleRabbit]

I enjoy seeing romance and sex portrayed in the medias to an extent, but I don't experience sexual arousal.  I think for me, it's the same as magic in the media(or superheros like you mentioned earlier).  It piques my interest as something completely foreign to me that I can imagine would be interesting in theory if the plot is well written, but probably never actually happen that way in real life.  I really find the quality of the writing to be more important than the specifics of the content, and I will perceive the relationship as "hotter" if they have a very strong bond of friendship and/or romance on top of their sexual relationship, but it still doesn't actually turn me on. 

[red iris]

6 hours ago, artzcat said:

I think I can relate to this some. I really enjoy romance in movies, shows, books. I love seeing characters fall in love and when I feel involved in the characters relationship and see the emotional connection between them, I enjoy sexual plots too. I have always created my own world and characters and sometimes imagine myself as a character that is romantic and sexual.

 

But when I imagine my real self in romantic or sexual situations, it feels really uncomfortable and slightly disgusting. I can't even see how kissing would be a pleasant thing to do. And I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. I'm cool with others being all romantic and sexual, but I guess I just don't want to personally be involved in that. I've never dated before and I have some insecurities so I am open to that changing. But also open to the idea that it might not. 

I agree with much of this, although I don't know how disgusted I am with the idea having sex. I'm very conscious of the fact that my fantasy version of sex is probably verrrrrry different from the reality. Either way, as StarBit mentioned, learning that desiring the fantasy but not necessarily the reality is in fact a legitimate experience of asexuality was VERY powerful for me. Honestly I'm still wrapping my head around that, since I always assumed fantasizing about sex means you want to have it yourself!! And now I don't know how I feel now that I'm trying to separate the two. I think it could be a really intimate emotional experience with someone you love, a way to cherish them... And I think that's why it's hard for me to imagine whether I would want it or not in an abstract sense, because it seems so tied up with the emotional and the specific person for me... Another question I'm asking myself is: what's more important in a relationship? Possible sexual attraction, or deep friendship and emotional/intellectual love? Most of my struggle to understand how I feel have to do with my assumptions about myself (defaulting to straight for so many years) and consequent doubts about my own authenticity... Which is something I have to work through myself. 

 

Clearly though, BlueHeron, you are not alone!!!!

[BlueHeron]

8 hours ago, red iris said:

Either way, as StarBit mentioned, learning that desiring the fantasy but not necessarily the reality is in fact a legitimate experience of asexuality was VERY powerful for me.

When I realized that a few months ago I was like oooooooooooh! It was a life changing moment to say the least.

 

16 hours ago, BlueHeron said:

When I think about things regarding asexuality, I’ve found that I am turned off from that literature/film.

What I meant by this is that when I think about my asexuality and then read say a romance book, I feel completely uninterested in the story and maybe a little disgusted. It's as if by becoming aware that I am trying to live vicariously or that I will not experience those things, I can't bear to immerse myself in them. Does that make sense? I guess by thinking too deeply I change that literature/film from a happy place into a reminder of my "shortcomings"?

 

Does that ever happen to anyone?

[iridian]

@BlueHeron i totally get what you mean! Though i just happen to let myself enjoy what i see/read for what it is and try not to think of my 'real life' and my aro/ace self, i think i do this enough with people around me already lol 

 

and i knew about fictosexual but not about limnosexual..you really never stop learning and it's amazing xd and i relate to that as well..to be honest it may be my norm, so i could probably call myself grey-limnosexual too  

Edited April 20, 2017 by jaymes

[Star Bit]

"Desiring the fantasy" makes it sound like you desire to participate in sex mentally but not physically. Is that what you meant or "desiring to fantasize about OTHERS having sex for masturbatory purposes?

[Star Bit]

@jaymes They said Limnosexual. But are they using sexual attraction to mean sexual arousal, because as I said before, then that's not sexual attraction. If they legitimately experience the impulse to have sex with people from erotica but don't desire sex IRL then that's just under Gray-A and needs no more specific of a label.

[BlueHeron]

 

5 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

"Desiring the fantasy" makes it sound like you desire to participate in sex mentally but not physically. Is that what you meant or "desiring to fantasize about OTHERS having sex for masturbatory purposes?

Others, never myself. Even then, there's kind of a sense of "ehhh no" which is interesting since I have a rather good imagination normally. Might be just part of asexuality for me and a way for me to dissociate myself from something I wouldn't enjoy with a partner.

 

Thanks for the lithsexual correction btw. Despite the living vicariously thing, I don't experience sexual attraction. The closest I get would be if I'm mimicking the written emotions of a character in a book because I'm so immersed in it. That still wouldn't be actually experiencing sexual attraction, more of a ghost emotion maybe? If you think about it though, where is that line drawn...

[iridian]

16 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

@jaymes They said Limnosexual.

oh right!! my bad, i read in a rush 

[Star Bit]

31 minutes ago, BlueHeron said:

Thanks for the lithsexual correction btw.

 

The closest I get would be if I'm mimicking the written emotions of a character in a book because I'm so immersed in it. That still wouldn't be actually experiencing sexual attraction, more of a ghost emotion maybe? If you think about it though, where is that line drawn...

Actually I looked back after making the comment and the first comment did say Limnosexual, so I edited my comment, but it's a needless term. Really, it's just a Lithsexual (with what seems to be responsive sexual desire). Or Fictosexual-- both. But either way it's still under Gray-A. But then if they saw someone having sex IRL would they wanna join in or fap to it (voyeurism)? In which case wouldn't be the aforementioned but Quasisexual if they need it IRL.

 

What line exactly? Between desiring sex and not/sexual attraction and not? Just that; you either do (mentally or IRL) desire to do such things or you don't.

 

A straight girl going "I get how you find eachother sexually enticing" to a female couple is not experiencing sexual attraction/is not bi, just like going "I feel your pain" to a friend isn't actually feeling their pain but sympathy/what you think they feel/what you'd feel if it'd happened to you. Or cringing at the sight of something assumably painful isn't actual pain on your part. Going "Daw, you're such a cute couple, I'm all for you and can feel so much of your love for eachother" is normal. Thus sexually it's normal aswell.

[BlueHeron]

1 hour ago, Star Bit said:

What line exactly? Between desiring sex and not/sexual attraction and not? Just that; you either do (mentally or IRL) desire to do such things or you don't.

Between sexual attraction and not. I'm wondering whether when you feel the emotions of a character in say a book, do you in that moment feel sexual attraction as they do? Technically it wouldn't be your own sexual attraction because you are mentally the character in that moment. Since asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction, then the definition would have to refer to your own personal sexual attraction. Even if you might feel it in that moment when you're reading the book, it is not your own emotion, however you do technically "experience" sexual attraction.

 

It's almost a paradox. So by that thought process, asexuals can experience sexual attraction but it can't be their own.

[Star Bit]

As I already elaborated after what you quoted, no, that is not feeling sexual attraction. According to your logic then literally everyone would be bi.

[BlueHeron]

@Star Bit Oops sorry, must have missed that!

[MxSpock6]

Oh, thank gods! I thought I was alone in experiencing this!! I didn't know that the term limnosexual existed before and wow it really describes how I feel! Yaaaay!!! 

[Star Bit]

6 hours ago, Mx.Sage3 said:

I didn't know that the term limnosexual existed before and wow it really describes how I feel! Yaaaay!!! 

How so?

[Guest]

I always described myself as fictoromantic when the only truly romantic feelings I could experience where towards and through fictional characters. Wouldn't the term "fictosexual" apply if sexual feelings are experienced but only with/towards/through fictional settings and never towards meat people? Fictosexual is someone whose sexual feelings and desires are situated solely with fictional characters and fictional situations.

[The Dryad]

I enjoy mostly non-visual, non auditory, literature/media of romanticism and sexuality; I don't think of it as living vicariously through these things, because personally, I'm not interested in these things, more like I'm interested in stories- I find myself losing sense of reality and falling into the world that I'm reading of, and I don't really care if it's romantic or sexual as long as it belongs to the story (although I admit to skipping over things that are too gross).

[red iris]

On 4/20/2017 at 10:59 AM, Star Bit said:

"Desiring the fantasy" makes it sound like you desire to participate in sex mentally but not physically. Is that what you meant or "desiring to fantasize about OTHERS having sex for masturbatory purposes?

I know others have responded to this on this thread about what this means to them, and my own answer deviates a bit. For me, when I said it, what I meant is that when you read about sex or romance in fiction, it's often idealized. I've never had sex, so maybe some sex is as amazing as what you read in fiction. But if you try to imagine the "reality" of sex, it's probably not the "fantasy" depicted in a lot of fiction. Granted, I'm talking about a particular genre, right? There are definitely fanfic out there that depict sexual or romantic encounters that are awkward, uncomfortable, etc. -- but there's also a LOT of fanfiction that have these really emotionally and physically gratifying depictions (simultaneous orgasm! several orgasms! emotional climax!), that may or may not be so realistic. So, would I want that fantasy in real life? Yes. But do I think that having sex in real life will actually be like that for me, and if not, am I still interested in having sex in the real world? Not sure. So, I can't say definitively whether I'd NEVER want "real sex," just that so far in my life, I've only ever desired to read about the fantasy of partnered sex, and have never desired to have partnered sex myself. Part of that may just be that I haven't yet met someone I'd want to have sex with, or maybe I never will, and I'm honestly just not interested in it, period.

 

I have to read more about those other definitions (e.g. lithosexual, limnosexual, fictosexual) since I'm still learning! Thanks for sharing.

[Star Bit]

Lith/Lithosexual: desires sex but doesn't react positively when it actually happens

 

Fictosexual: desires sex with only fictional characters

 

And Limnosexual is apparantly where you're "sexually attracted to erotica", which to me sounds like they're misunderstanding the emotion of relating to others or only desires ppl in erotica, which would still be Fictosexual.

[MxSpock6]

On 4/21/2017 at 0:38 AM, Star Bit said:

How so?

I enjoy sexual things by watching movies, reading fanfic and books, and looking at fanart involving sex (Hel, even writing some fics myself) between my favorite characters, but I do not want to actually have sex myself in real life.

[Star Bit]

15 hours ago, Mx.Sage3 said:

I enjoy sexual things by watching movies, reading fanfic and books, and looking at fanart involving sex (Hel, even writing some fics myself) between my favorite characters, but I do not want to actually have sex myself in real life.

That's not what Limnosexual means. The first comment on here states it as only being sexually attracted to people in erotica. Sexual arousal is not sexual attraction, sexually desiring someone specific is. You describe nothing of the sort but what a normal majority of asexuals experience; not desiring yourself to have sex with anyone but being sexually aroused by erotica.

[MxSpock6]

Oh, okay. Sorry. I'll stop posting on this thread.

[TheAP]

13 hours ago, Mx.Sage3 said:

Oh, okay. Sorry. I'll stop posting on this thread.

You don't have to stop posting on this thread! You're very welcome here.