Confused ...

[MisakiMei]

Hey guys , my name is khawla ... I'm 20 years old , when i was a teenager I've never been attracted to neither guys nor girls , i thought that was normal but a year ago i started to ask questions , why do my friends have lovers and talk about their relationships like that's what life is all about . When i started dating a guy ( i actually kinda liked him) , i couldn't accept being touched by him , it was so disgusting i could throw up ... i hate being touched especially in a sexual way ... then i tried watching porn i was curious about sex , but i stopped the video right away i couldn't watch it , it was so disturbing and "ugly" . Well sometimes i feel like going on dates and having a boyfriend or a girlfriend but i just don't want them to touch me ... Is that normal ? I'm confused and depressed i can no longer focus on anything else ... please help . 

 

[veggiebatgirl]

Hi Mei, 

 

It seems like you've come to the right place, and you might be asexual! Please take a look around the forums and at the FAQ and advice pages. YouTube also has a great selection of videos made by asexual people that are either educational or supportive.

 

There is nothing wrong with you (although if you think your aversion to sexual touch is a problem, I'd recommend seeing a GP or a psychologist) and being asexual is totally normal.

 

I'm sorry your confusion is making you depressed, but I hope the community you find on AVEN will help support you through figuring out your sexuality. If you need to talk to people in real time, either visit the chatroom or feel free to directly message me! 

[Galactic Turtle]

Ello!

 

Like you, I was twenty years old when I started questioning things on top of questioning other things that I'd never thought before to question... if that makes sense.  I went all the way through high school without dating or even liking anyone. It's not something I avoided on purpose, I just didn't see any of the boys I encountered the way my friends did so when my parents asked me before going to college if I was open to dating I said "sure, of course, why wouldn't I be?" because I assumed those feelings would start to pop up since I was older and attributed my lack of romantic activity in my younger years as me just having more sense than other people my age. XD

 

It took me until halfway through college to realize that I wasn't on the page as everyone else when it came to the details of what having a girlfriend or boyfriend meant. I knew what sex was, I knew that people did it, but I thought the vast majority of people didn't start having sex until junior/senior year of college at the earliest. The boys who'd had feelings for me in the past, the thought that they might've had a desire to initiate any type of physical intimacy never crossed my mind so at twenty when a guy came along who right from the start I recognized as being different from others in that he had manners, spoke well, dressed well, was punctual, was a good worker, and while not altogether overly aspirational, at least he had a plan of sorts in terms of what he was doing with his life, it kind of turned my world upside down when I found out he was interested in me sexually. It was uncomfortable and scary at times and embarrassing when I found out he talked to other people we worked with all the time about how he saw me and what he wanted to do to me. We never dated, never went out or anything, and after our time working together end I didn't feel any type of distress at the thought of never seeing him again but the whole incident just made me really start to think.

 

I've never liked it when people touched me. Not even my parents. While I've never watched porn, over the past year I've delved into more NSFW fan fiction just to kind of try to get rid of my repulsion in at least the fictional realm. The lack of a visual component there I think makes it better for people trying to deal with their sex repulsion. I don't have a libido and didn't even know women had the ability to masturbate until I got to college. My senior year of college, getting the message from both family and friends that being single wasn't ok, I put myself out there by going to my first and last "real college party." I think that's where I realized, pretty much, how bad my touch aversion really was. That party was the first time a boy ever touched me. It was all nonconsensual. I stumbled upon AVEN a few months later. I'm twenty-three now.

 

A few things you might want to consider are the following:

 

1. What's your type? -> This is something I'd never really thought about. My definition of a "good man" was pretty much what my parents thought was good. I'd never developed an opinion for myself simply because I'd never liked anybody and never felt the desire to look for anyone.

 

2. Why do you want to be in a relationship? -> When asking myself this the only reason I could come up with was "that's just what you're supposed to do" and "because dying alone is a bad thing."

 

3. Why don't you like touch? -> That's something I'd been asking myself for... pretty much my whole life. I'm still not sure. It's something I've been trying to work on. Part of me thinks it has something to do with some type of self hatred or self disapproval... like I want to put a wall between me and everyone else and just be a spectator. I don't know how these types of feelings could manifest in a ten year old but... currently my physical and mental response to touch is so acute I don't know what to do about it.

 

4. What does a romantic relationship look like to you? -> There are lots of terms people use on AVEN especially once you get into QPR territory and the definition debates roll forward. I explored all of these but at the end of the day I can really only imagine Christmas dinner. Who would I bring there? Who would I want to be part of my family? That answer has little to do with butterflies in the stomach or a dream date, a first kiss, or entwined hands. It has nothing to do with male or female either. I know at the end of the day this probably disqualifies me from the dating market. Maybe someday I'll stumble upon someone I want to join my family. If not, the only stress I feel is the disappointment my parents will have but other than that I don't feel like there's anything missing. My experience up to this point seems aromantic in nature so... that's where I'm at now. *shrugs*

 

Sorry for the long response. Hopefully some of this helps. 

 

 

 

[Star Bit]

Is it normal to not want to be touched in any way? No. Even for asexuals? Still nope. Have you masterbated before? If not, then you could end up being a normal sexual person who just didn't have things linked up yet. "Sometimes think about having a bf/gf" as in you yearn to have it or you just think that'd be something nice to have?