What does a relationship w an asexual aromantic look like?

[Icebearpanda]

TL;DR: Are there any people who are in relationships with asexual aromantics who can give me an idea of what that experience is like?

 

So, I've been doing my research and reading, trying to educate myself about the possibility that the lady I have been going on dates with is asexual and aromantic (while I'm a sexual or allosexual). I've done reading that seems indicate that if people fall in this spectrum that while they may not want romantic attachments as allosexuals typically understand it, that they can engage in many different kinds of relationships, including ones that are not quote romantic but are more than just a "friends" label. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around what this *looks* like in real-life instead of just theory. Are there any people who are in relationships with asexual aromantics who can give me an idea of what that experience is like? I mean, I get that sex is not on the table (usually & of course all relationships are different) but how does other forms of intimacy play out? For example, do things like holdings hands and cuddling happen? Do some of the "typical relationships milestones" like meeting their friends, etc. happen or is that all off the table? How do you matter to them, if you can't use the romantic love yardstick to measure?  I've asked twice ( on first date and 5th date) for her to think about holdings hands but each time she looks at me like a deer in headlights and I'm starting to wonder if I'm asking for too much. I also don't know where else to ask this and not be judged. 

Now, I know that the answer of "well just talk to her yourself" is going to come up. Typically, I would but right now I can't. This person has literally been unavailable to meet up for all of this month (they did tell me they would be last time I saw them) and this is not something I want to bring up over IM. Also, after a few conversations I know that she's been putting a ton of pressure on herself to figure out how she identifies so that she can give me an answer and know for herself. I don't want to say anything that can be interpreted as pressure. At the same time, having feelings for this person has just totally blown away my previously held defaults and beliefs on relationships. It feels like what I thought I knew about relationships -platonic or not- doesn't apply anymore and I've got no road maps to fall back on. Add in stress at work, the aftermath of a move, getting used to new housemates, helping out on two community theater plays and realizing through therapy that I have an anxious attachment relationship style (oh joy, more work on myself) and I feel overwhelmed. I find myself distancing from her and other people in general because I don't want to be hurt or rejected, and I have to be cautious when that happens that my depression doesn't kick in, because it has a nasty tendency to pop up when my world is topsy-turvy. Everything feels like it's in flux and I feel shaky. I don't feel like it's wise to being up any of this until I get my emotional house in order but in the meantime I feel pretty alone in this and looking for answers where I can find them

[ChillaKilla]

1 minute ago, Icebearpanda said:

trying to educate myself about the possibility that the lady I have been going on dates with is asexual and aromantic

Unless she is confirming this herself, don't make such presumptions. Also, though it is possible for acearos to have relationships to a certain degree, if your suspicions have basis in fact the odds of one occurring are fairly unlikely.

[MrDane]

There can be a dilemma regarding intimacy. My basic sexual body language wants me to cuddle my wife because i love her. I would like that cuddle to stay longer and perhaps evolve into a sexual cuddle. BUT...as soon as my ace-wife feels that this a sexual thing, then she backs away, unless it happens in a agreed-upon, schedule-like form. No surprises, please. 

So my best chance of getting sex is to stick to our plan and not show her that

i crave her. "It is soon time for a date again, would friday be a good day.? " 

[Mychemicalqpr]

It sounds like you're talking about queerplatonic relationships? QPRs have a level of commitment and closeness like a typical romantic relationship, but without being in love. I don't know if it would be satisfying at all with someone you have a crush on. 

[gisiebob]

dude, it's ok. you don't need any autopilot. just let your affection be a patience. do you need to know if this person will ever hold your hand? sometimes not knowing what will win and what will lose isn't a thing that should hold you back from grabing the dice. and I don't mean that as a gambler has to be willing to lose. I mean that as a person who wants answers has to surrender himself to those answers when casting the seeing stones.

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

On 19/04/2017 at 2:34 AM, Icebearpanda said:

I've asked twice ( on first date and 5th date) for her to think about holdings hands but each time she looks at me like a deer in headlights and I'm starting to wonder if I'm asking for too much.

She may just not like holding hands : ) its possible for even a romantic sexual person to not like holding hands. 

 

As for the relationship with an Aromantic asexual it depends. Sometimes Aromantic asexual people can still desire a romantic and/or sexual relationship (this is more commonly called cupiosexual/cupioromantic which is a form of Aromantic/asexual) for example they may want a romantic relationship even though they can't return the feeling in the same way, the ace aro person may engage in sexual activity to please their partner even if that wasn't part of the relationship they wanted. This doesnt always happen all manners of different combinations can happen so I hope you get the idea.

 

A common 'relationship' for Aromantic Asexual people is a queer platonic partnership (I believe that is the right term correct me if I'm wrong) which is effectively bestfriends (kinda) nothing romantic or sexual about it. I personally never have been in one but I would imagine it would include things like possibly hugging/snuggling depending on the person and things like that but I would imagine no kissing/sexual activities and probably no candle light dinners. I'm not quite sure I haven't really done much research on this subject sorry : )

 

Maybe next time you see her ask something about what does she want from the relationship or something like. Or what she sees you as. Try asking subtlety though because it may be a bit weird.

 

-Renny

[To Each Their Own]

As an aromantic, I gotta say...I wouldn’t date anyone. “Dating” implies a romantic relationship (in my mind). I’m not going to hold hands, I’m not going to snuggle, or cuddle, or do anything of those things that couples do.  I don’t do “couples.” 

 

Sure, not all aromantics are like me, just like not all asexuals are alike. However, if she is willing to date you, in fact, if she is willing to go out on several dates with you and do the things that couples do, then chances are that she is not aromantic. She many be on the spectrum, but for now...she wants to be with you.

[nanogretchen4]

In cases of incompatible orientations, it's best not to try to force a relationship into a mold it doesn't fit. Instead of repeatedly trying for a sexual and/or romantic relationship with someone who can never return those feelings, stick to platonic friendship. That's the only relationship where you can both be on the same page with neither of you feeling pressure to sacrifice your own needs and neither of you being constantly rejected and frustrated. Obviously, a platonic friendship with this person should be no barrier to your finding someone more compatible to date. And there is nothing to stop your friend from seeking a more compatible person to date if dating even interests them. 

[Elea]

I'm an aromantic asexual and I'm married. My husband and I have a child together. This was possible for me to achieve because I'm very family-oriented in spite of being aro/ace. The fact that I've always wanted kids has played a huge part in what I've been willing to compromise over.

 

For me the aro aspect of my sexuality plays a lesser part in my relationship than the ace aspect. I'm introverted and non-confrontational, which means that for the most part I often go with the flow in regards to romantic non-sexual actions from my partner. 

 

I can hold hands, but I'm never comfortable with it. I can be kissed, but never with tongue. I never initiate romantic or sexual contact. I don't mind touch and contact when I know for certain it's completely platonic (with a child/friend/parent etc.). I can go on dates because I enjoy the conversation and the time spent alone with my best friend/husband. Compliments to my looks will be met with indifference, embarrassment or me feeling uncomfortable.

 

The biggest problem I have with touch from my partner it that he often only touches me when he's after something more intimate. As a result I've kind of been conditioned to always interpret his touch as a prelude to intimacy, which squicks me out and makes me put up defences.

 

I know you said that talking to your partner wasn't an option, but it's really the best thing you could do.

 

If that really isn't possible, I'd wait with any kind of intimacy until it is. Focus on building a good friendship in the meantime.

[MrDane]

@Elea you sound a bit like my wife. And I can see how my touch can be a prelude to more sexual stuff, since the moment she touches me back, then I think "oh, perhaps this was her way of giving me a sign, that sex could happen tonigth even though it is not directly on the agreed-upon schedule"

it is a bit like awakening the beast.trouble is, that if I get more affirmation/kisses/cuddles/hugs/sweet words/body contact, then I will be less needy for sex. Catch 22.