Coming Out Stories to Significant Others?

[Lathya]

Anyone have a coming out conversation with a significant other? Was it a crush, or someone you were already dating, and how did it go?

 

I've come out to a crush before since I wanted to tell him before one of us asked the other out. Went like this over text:

 

Me: "My days been pretty okay, I was just telling Catherine how I should tell you I’m sort of asexual haha. Or at least I’m somewhere on the spectrum. So I guess I’m doing that now? And yeah the sleep was nice"

Him: "O ok. And yeah I took a nap for like an hour too and then talked to my mom for a while cuz she didn't get the best news from a dentist. She needs to get get a tooth removed or something like that since it's dead"

 

I'd love to hear people's stories! I'm looking for stories to do some illustrations for a little project due soon, I'll post any I do in reply to you C:

[DayDreamer~]

Mine was kind of boring, and I'm not sure if he ever really understood what asexuality was despite me trying to explain it to him.

 

He's my ex-boyfriend now, but when we were dating I told him I was asexual I think about two months in? I have a two-month rule where if things are going well and seem like they could continue, I have to tell them about my asexuality and boundaries so as to not lead them on unintentionally if they will/can eventually be after certain physical affections I am unable to give.

 

Basically, I just walked up to him during school one day and said I had something I wanted to talk to him about, but I preferred to wait until we were outside of school to be more comfortable talking about it. I knew he was worried it was something bad even though I told him it wasn't.

I can't quite remember how I came out to him... I really think all I said was that I was asexual, and so I had certain physical boundaries that couldn't be crossed. Later I explained it meant I didn't have sexual attraction towards him or anyone else- I just didn't experience the sort of physical 'connection' I guess people get. He was sad at first and asked me if I felt anything when we kissed, which unfortunately I had to tell him no, although I suspect this was more to do with it being a first longer-term relationship and so mechanical about it rather than my asexuality XD 

 

He handled it pretty well at first and insisted he didn't care about those sorts of things, but every once in a while he said things that really made me question how 'okay' he really was with it. He wanted kids and I could tell he was confused about my asexuality. He even tried getting me to say that my boundaries could change the more I got to know him, and I had to inform him that no, even with more emotional intimacy some of my boundaries would stay firmly in tact. I'm super cuddly and like hand-holding and hugs and all that, but other things will be a forever nope. It got a little frustrating to say the least and I felt like he didn't really accept me but he was trying to convince himself he did because he was too afraid to try finding someone else more suitable to his needs and wants in life.

 

Sorry I don't have much of an illustration-worth story, more of a rough summary of my experience last year =P

[MrDane]

I just thought, and so did my wife, that we were togther on one path. Helping eachother reach next level of our sex life. Me being ridicuously patient, and blaming myself for why she wouldnt take my lead into sexual nirvana. A couple of times I laid out a roadmap as to find directions for us to go. Sometimes I would cry my lonely, sexual ass to sleep and a few times whine about it to her. Every time hoping that she would open up and tell me how she wanted "it". Turned out, that she didnt perticular want it, and it was not about all that. She only went along for my sake and didnt mind, but liked the journey. Wouldnt miss the trip and would probably just rather stay at home. So, now We walk slowly hand in hand and she doesnt like the pace to be to fast. She needs loong time between and needs to know the route first. No surprises. We walk towards a destination, occasionally we both get a kick out of it, but no need to stop and smell the flowers. Just walk. 

 

She has never used the term asexual, apart from very early on in the relationship. At that point she didnt know and just wanted to say "dont expect to much, I migth be a bit of a bore" 

...ironically, today I am the boring one. I find her fascinating, lovely, sexy and fantastic. I am drawn to her like a lovesick puppy. 

She said"sex doesnt really matter much to me. I could easily go without, and never really wanted it. It doesnt give me that much."

[Janus the Fox]

Me and the boyfriend had a discussion about it rather after the time we first had sex, discussed that sex for me wasn't important to me, though romance as I discovered was, sharing a bit of sexual tension through shared fetish together is the perfect compromise all the while letting romance develop naturally.  There's no sexual attraction, there's certainly an emotional one. I kind of broke down a bit having the sexuality confirmed in practice.

 

I usually take each relationship differently, each one is often different anyway, the dynamic changes and haven't had a relationship that felt the same way.

[foolofatook]

I am actually having a problem with this now. 

 

I didn't realize I was asexual until very recently. In the past my friends and family sort of had me convinced that I was just shy and innocent when it came to sex. I've mentioned the possibility to a few people but most (my mom included) sort of just shut me down. The problem is now I'm in a serious relationship and of course he wants to move forward sexually and believes that sex is a very important part of a relationship. I on the other hand have no interest. We've sort of been dancing around the idea, he knows I'm not interested in it and that I don't get turned on easily (I've hinted that I don't really get turned on at all and he didn't seems thrilled with the idea). I don't really know if he actually realizes I'm asexual or if he thinks I'm just shy like everyone else. I'm terrified that if I come out and tell him that he won't want to be with me anymore, but he's becoming more insistent about me being more sexual. 

 

I'm so lost now. I don't know what to do or how to tell him in a way that won't make him resent me. 

[Lathya]

Thanks everyone that replied!! Sorry this is a late reply~

@DayDreamer~ I made an illustration from your reply, thanks so much! Below is the illustration I made (front and back)

 

I attached the illustration (as well as four other ones from other people) to a lock that is now on a 'love lock' bridge. 

 

 

You can see the other illustrations I've made here: www.instagram.com/hiimasexual

[DayDreamer~]

Wow! Thank you so much, this is so awesome!

[Member116379]

I only came out as grey-ace a few weeks ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly 2 months at that point and are still together over a month later. He was really understanding with the whole thing, not to mention how patient he was when I was rambling and getting things straight in my mind. 

 

I was initially constantly worried that it would drive us apart, he'd realise it would be an issue for him or he'd simply lose interest. But none of that has happened whatsoever. In a strange, it has brought us closer together; we've realised that what was have is so special and worth cherishing that the sex doesn't matter