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I'm so confused I could cry


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Hello all. I am new to this forum. I’ll get right to it.

 

I am attracted to men. I like to dream about them. But that’s exactly it – only in the realm of fantasy and imagination do I feel aroused. The thought of actually kissing a man, touching one/being touched by one, having sex with one, dating one, having any sort of romantic relationship with one, is nauseating to me.

 

I have never been on a date. Never kissed anyone. Never flirted. My family has always joked that I should have been a nun. I used to laugh with them. I figured, hey, I fantasize about guys all the time, I must be straight! This is just a phase! But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that these fantasies never involve me, but a man and another woman. And now more than ever before, I never want a man to look at me, or touch me, or even think about me.

 

I do have body dysmorphic disorder, so perhaps it’s the thought of physical vulnerability that terrifies me. But is this really a crippling fear of intimacy, or something bigger? Is it possible to feel aroused, yet still be asexual?

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Someone Else

What I learned later on in life was that it's possible to be attracted to someone and still not want sex.  I never would have believed it many years ago, thinking that physical attraction to women made me straight and that was that.  

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Lot's of aces experience arousal, it's just a biological response. It's certainly still possible to be ace.

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...and in a fantasy, you can sometimes live out things which would be terrible in real life. It is like watching a movie!

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Pi_the_infinite

I'm kind of the same way, although it took experiencing a lot of sex to finally realize that, even though I feel arousal, I don't actually enjoy doing it. The thought of it happening isn't really repulsive to me, but I just don't want to take my relationships to that level. I really like people, I feel attractions to them for all kinds of reasons, but then once we cross into the realm of sex, it's weird and uncomfortable. So for the last couple of years I've just been indulging in fantasies and not engaging sexually with other people, and I've found that I actually enjoy that much more. And I enjoy other people's company more now that I no longer see sex as a possibility.

So, in short, yes you can be ace and feel sexual arousal. Remember, sexuality is a spectrum. There's a variety of sexual realities/experiences that fall within the asexual spectrum.

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Wow - you guys make me feel so much better. Truly, thank you <3

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Pi_the_infinite
2 minutes ago, Pi_the_infinite said:

 

damnit!!! WHY is it so difficult to post pictures on this site??????

 

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Hi, LoneWolf12! Welcome! :) Yes, I agree that one could still experience arousal and still be asexual. It is human nature. I have tried dating, but it has not worked out. I have tried online dating, but I would feel uneasy when it came time to meet in person. I knew what the following steps would be eventually. Sex would be brought up soon. For me, it is going to take someone very special to turn my head. You have got to do what is right for you. As long as you are happy, that is all that matters. Every asexual is different.

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MakeupJunkie4
On 4/17/2017 at 11:25 AM, ~Syl~ said:

Lot's of aces experience arousal, it's just a biological response. It's certainly still possible to be ace.

Agreed!

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Don't feel too bad about not dating or having relationship experience. I'm almost 23 with absolutely no dating experience and I've never been physically affectionate with any potential romantic partner. Granted, I'm potentially less conflicted about my aceness than you may be ATM, but you're not alone in your lack of experiences so don't feel like you're emotionally stunted or anything. 🙂👍

 

Like others have said, arousal can be an involuntary response. It's like I laugh when I'm tickled but it doesn't necessarily mean I want to be tickled by people just cause it feels funny sometimes. For the majority of humans, it's just an automatic response conditioned by millennia of years of evolution. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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Being asexual does not necessarily mean lacking sexual drive. Many asexuals have various fetishes or fantasies that turn them on but they still don't have a desire for any kind of intimacy. 

 

 

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Pi_the_infinite
On 4/18/2017 at 10:02 PM, Laplace said:

Don't feel too bad about not dating or having relationship experience. I'm almost 23 with absolutely no dating experience and I've never been physically affectionate with any potential romantic partner. Granted, I'm potentially less conflicted about my aceness than you may be ATM, but you're not alone in your lack of experiences so don't feel like you're emotionally stunted or anything. 🙂👍

 

Like others have said, arousal can be an involuntary response. It's like I laugh when I'm tickled but it doesn't necessarily mean I want to be tickled by people just cause it feels funny sometimes. For the majority of humans, it's just an automatic response conditioned by millennia of years of evolution. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Let me say too, that lacking in sexual experience dose not, in any way, mean lacking in experience altogether.  You don't need to have sex to know who you are (or to really know other people or the ways of the world.) Sex takes up so much energy, physically, emotionally, socially, financially... You could put all that time and energy into other things, learning new skills, traveling, reading, studying new topics. And you're able to gain so much more from your relationships with people when you look at all the other things you could do with them besides sex; collaborate on art, music, theatre, science, community involvement, teaching each other, exploring new places, new ideas, new perspectives.

 

From the beginning, I didn't want sex. Mostly because I was raised super religious and was taught that sex before marriage was evil, which may have simply been the root cause of my aversion to it, but as the heart of it, I wasn't ready to experience it in a healthy way. And then it happened, very much against my will, and everything that I had been taught was proven wrong and I realized everyone I thought I could trust lied to me. So, I went forth with the mindset that I was done with religion and I was going to experience all that I could and learn the truth about life. But that meant having a lot of sex that I still didn't really want and wasn't really ready for, but, y'know, it's okay because it's for SCIENCE, for learning and experience. However, all that "life experience" that I gain throughout my 20's have concluded with me having developed a lot of unhealthy relationship habits, totally convinced to never enter into a sexual or committed exclusive relationship ever again, and kind of feeling like I have to start back at square one.

 

So to you, and any other youngin' and/or completely sexually inexperienced individual listening, if you don't want it now, don't do it. Go do other things. Learn how to be happy being yourself. Learn how to love and respect yourself. And if, at some point, you change your mind or you meet someone you want to be with but they want a sexual relationship, you will be better prepared for the experience. And if you still don't enjoy it or really feel the need for it, you will have a good foundation to fall back on and to help you navigate your feelings on the subject and how to work with your partners about it.    

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I'm so happy to have found a place free of all judgment, thank you all. One more question - does revulsion at the thought of dating or having any sort of relationship (beyond the boundaries of friendship) mean that I am aromantic? I'm trying not to get caught up in labels, but any form of clarity would be helpful.

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