Traveler40 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 So, I'm not really sure where to start. I suppose it's possible a forum like this will beget folks that simply want to label, yet here I am also wondering if it's applicable to my husband? We've been married for 12 years and together for 15. We've tried to have sex once in the last eight years, and I'm dying inside. We've discussed it ad nauseum, and he always promises to work on it, but does nothing to make it better. He tries to blame me for the resentment I hold due to the lack of sex. We have a great family, wonderful life and good relationship in almost every other way. I'm VERY sexual am a master at self stimulation and have limped by. I have finally started looking for a lover. I've told my husband about this as we generally talk about everything, but he's in denial. He doesn't want to have sex, doesn't want to ever fix it, and expects me to live this way. I am dying inside, but I recognize the amazing parts I don't want to lose to divorce. We have young kids - conceived by IVF largely because he wouldn't step up naturally. I'm wondering if he's asexual now having researched a bit. He says no... Do most sexuals in a relationship with an asexual divorce or seek a lover? I think my taking a lover will eventually lead to divorce, but it's come to a point where I must go in this direction. I can't believe I let it go this long. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Hello, Traveler. I remember this feeling of dying inside and wondering how I could stand this for so long. I was together with my ex husband for 12 years, and I loved him deeply, passionately. He was sexual, but we had a bunch of other problems. So much so that at some point I had to choose between saving the relationships or myself. The break up left me in shambles, and it took me another year to stop loving him. Now it’s three years later, and I’m with a wonderful, caring partner. I love again, I’m happy again – in a totally different way than I was, and this way feels very right for this new stage in my life. Sometimes I look back and shudder at the possibility of still being married to my ex. I’m not giving you any advice – I just want to share my experience as someone who was in a similar situation. I made my choice, and ever since the pain subsided I’ve been very happy about it. Maybe you'll find something helpful in my story. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 The For Sexual Partners, Friend and Allies part of the forum could be a good resource for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 Thank you Lara, the message is there's life after, although the journey is hard. I suspect we end up divorced eventually. He says he will never allow me to leave and punishes me emotionally in a million little ways for "waking up". If sex were removed from the table, we'd be soulmates, but that's life's cruel little joke in this. Clearly, it's hard on both of us, and he's going kicking and screaming right now. I've stopped accepting the "lifestyle" that comes with his lack of desire (for asexuality or whatever the reason). Chair Jockey, thank you. I realized that later after posting, but couldn't figure out how to move my posting to that area of this website. I'm technically challenged! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 1 hour ago, Traveler40 said: Thank you Lara, the message is there's life after, although the journey is hard. I suspect we end up divorced eventually. He says he will never allow me to leave and punishes me emotionally in a million little ways for "waking up". If sex were removed from the table, we'd be soulmates, but that's life's cruel little joke in this. Clearly, it's hard on both of us, and he's going kicking and screaming right now. I've stopped accepting the "lifestyle" that comes with his lack of desire (for asexuality or whatever the reason). Chair Jockey, thank you. I realized that later after posting, but couldn't figure out how to move my posting to that area of this website. I'm technically challenged! @Traveler40 I know how you feel, and my advice would be to not accept it as a small issue, but it is a matter for the whole relationship. (Tmi) He is absolutely allowed to say no to sex, but he should not say it on your behalf. ...and as a sexual myself, I have to say, that partnered sex is what I want. Not just "emptying the sack". Lara gives good advice, but feel free to PM if you want to tell your story. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyke Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 @Traveler40 Hi, I'm a late-recognised asexual hetero male. I'm asexual n the sense asexual is used here. I'm on that part of the spectrum that isn't repulsed by sex but doesn't have a sex-drive of my own. So maybe quite close to where your husband is? I've had a number of traditional relationship, and the most formal of those (living together) ended a few years ago after 6 years together. We didn't have kids and that's a major difference to your position. Here's what happened to me. After a number of medical investigations (re testosterone levels, for example) had shown that I wasn't difficient in that regard and there weren't any ways to get me excited, my partner took a clandestine lover. Which was a complete failure as a relationship (very short lived) but it drove us apart and she left to live alone. After a while we became very close friends and remain so to this day. My only regret looking back is of the horrible way the split took place. So in an ideal world I'd suggest that you either agree that you take a 'service provider' (if that is enough for you - only you can know) and stay together. OR begin to plan for you to steer your own course. But talk to your husband and make him part of the journey. HOWEVER this is not an ideal world and children are involved. There are many studies that suggest children do better when they are brought up not by two people, but their actual parents (none of this "you are with your dad this weekend"). So a key question for you is which is most important - your happiness or that of your children? That's a very blunt statement, I know. And it is never as simple as that. I don't know how old the children are, and how long before they would become adults. But why not find a substitute for a sexually loving relationship until they are. And move on then. That's a pretty ice-in-the-veins arrangement, I'm aware. Whatever you do, good luck! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 Midland - You get it, all the way around. Yes, my kids are paramount. Thus, I'm currently looking for a lover. I've narrowed it down, but it's harder to find a good prospect than one might think. Anyhow, it may be an icy approach, but my youngest is 4. The alternative simply isn't an option (living as is), and I don't want to split the family yet. I hear you and understand all that you impart here. Thank you! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 Mr. Dane, Partnered sex is currently the dream. Logistics are the reality - at the moment. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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