screm Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I've been with the girl of my dreams in a really dedicated relationship for almost a year now. I love her so much, and I'm reall, really happy with our relationship- except sometimes the way she talks about sex makes me feel really gross, or ashamed of my past, and being a sexual person. I haven't really had the best experiences? I started having sex as a really young teenager, was in a relationship with a guy for a while that was a problem because 1, I'm not attracted to men, and 2, he wasn't always the best at listening to me. She actually asked me out when she did because of seeing me in that relationship and trying to "save" me, and actually said the was going to fix me? Which.....yikes. I love her so much but I feel disgusting and....unclean when she talks about how dirty and gross sex is. How to I approach her about how this makes me feel? She has a right to feel sex repulsed! So me talking about it is weird! But whenever she talks to me about that topic I feel like some sort of dirty, tainted bad person. Link to post Share on other sites
Pramana Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 It seems reasonable to think that if you respect her right to be sex repulsed and you avoid talking about sex related things which might make her feel uncomfortable, then it would be fair to ask her not to be disparaging about sex in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. You could bring it up in conversation by explaining your situation as analogous to her situation in that way. Besides that, I am wondering if she is alright with you being a sexual person. Why is it that she feels a need to make these comments? You write that she said she wanted to "save" and "fix" you. I realize that was in reference to a past sexual relationship which you didn't enjoy, but all other things being equal would your preference be to have a sexual relationship of some form? Link to post Share on other sites
Arctangent Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Her feelings as a sex-repulsed person are valid, but so are yours as a person who experiences sexual feelings and desires. It doesn't seem like she's being considerate of your feelings. Also, I find it concerning that she thinks she can save or fix you. To me, that indicates that she might not just be sex-repulsed (finding sex gross on personal, emotional level) but possibly anti-sexual (being opposed to sex on a global, moral level). If I were in your position, I would probably ask her to clarify her feelings about sex. If she doesn't believe sexuality is immoral and was just voicing her personal feelings about sex without realizing that it could make you uncomfortable, then you might be able to come to an understanding about it. Maybe she can learn to voice her negative feelings about sex in a more diplomatic way. But if she actually believes sex is inherently bad and immoral, then you might not be able to come to a compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
screm Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 2 hours ago, Pramana said: You write that she said she wanted to "save" and "fix" you. I realize that was in reference to a past sexual relationship which you didn't enjoy, but all other things being equal would your preference be to have a sexual relationship of some form? I think she said it without realizing what she was really saying? At one point I repeated "fix" after her and she backtracked but didn't address using the word in the first place. I feel like she also veiws me being sexual as something to "deal" with and that is the furthest thing from what I want. I have a pretty low sex drive so I feel like I would be better off not having sex at all than doing one of those compromises where everyone feels unhappy. I think she sees that aspect of me as kind of a flaw? I don't think she is aware of that thought pattern but I can feel it there. I do think I'm more sensitive to it than the average allo person because I'm a lesbian and so it has taken me a while to be vaugely okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
screm Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 2 hours ago, Law of Circles said: Her feelings as a sex-repulsed person are valid, but so are yours as a person who experiences sexual feelings and desires. It doesn't seem like she's being considerate of your feelings. Also, I find it concerning that she thinks she can save or fix you. To me, that indicates that she might not just be sex-repulsed (finding sex gross on personal, emotional level) but possibly anti-sexual (being opposed to sex on a global, moral level). If I were in your position, I would probably ask her to clarify her feelings about sex. If she doesn't believe sexuality is immoral and was just voicing her personal feelings about sex without realizing that it could make you uncomfortable, then you might be able to come to an understanding about it. Maybe she can learn to voice her negative feelings about sex in a more diplomatic way. But if she actually believes sex is inherently bad and immoral, then you might not be able to come to a compromise. I think she is fine with sex in general, although she does have some of that "wait for someone special, don't have sex to young" which I did......not do, so that's less in reguard to her being ace and more to that being a cultural norm/value that my experiences do not conform to. I think she would be receptive to me telling her "hey this is a topic that is sensitive for me" but its also like that is something I want her to be able to talk to me about, and the way she feels, but at the same time sometimes it feels really personal. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 You simply tell her what you told us. Communication is key in keeping healthy relationships, and if you can't do that then the other person simply isn't compatible with you. Also, having a "fixing people" fetish is a real thing (which she seems to explicitly have with how vocal she is with you about it), but some lose interest once the person is "fixed". Not that I'm saying you need to at this point, but you need to know that a year in is normally when alot of relationships start to break. You gotta learn when to move on, otherwise you'll get yourself into wasting even more time; years of your life. A year may be the longest you've been in a relationship, but it's nothing in compression to more experienced people. You shouldn't feel obligated to stay in a relationship due to this short span of time; or any span of time for that matter; that won't fix anything. Fear, obligation, and guilt are what kill relationships; all of which you seem to be starting to experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Ettina Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 Regarding one person finding something gross that someone else enjoys, it's perfectly fine to set a limit on discussing that. For example, I'm a very picky eater, and I learnt early on that it was rude to diss the food someone else was eating. It's OK for me to be grossed out, it's OK to refuse to eat that stuff, but it's not OK to comment negatively on them eating the food. Link to post Share on other sites
Kai99 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 As a sex repulse asexual, I definitely have certain feelings toward sex that I wouldnt express out loud to a sexual person. I have friends who know of my asexuality and I would not feel comfortable expressing my disgust. There already so much shame when it comes to sex in today's society, the last thing I want to do is contribute to those feelings. If I were to offer up my thoughts, I avoid expressing my disgust and prefer to describe it as simply unappealing to me. She probably isn't aware how her comments are coming off. I would be honest with her. Even if it might cause her to hold back her feelings, if I were her, I would prefer you to be honest with me rather than continue to pretend that my comments arent affecting you. Link to post Share on other sites
4wardeyesopen Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 My wife waited years to tell me what she finds disgusting,something i find harmless.It's better your partner is open about her feelings Link to post Share on other sites
gisiebob Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 be available to forgive yourself. but also advertise your desire for the person you care about to be your champion. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Warning! Explicit wording about sex stuff and gross'eries! If you dissect a sexual act, then each part, like sweat, body fluids, cavities and pubic hair can sound pretty gross and nasty. But once it is part of sex/lovemaking it magically transforms into hot stuff. In my experience anyways! Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 3 hours ago, MrDane said: Warning! Explicit wording about sex stuff and gross'eries! If you dissect a sexual act, then each part, like sweat, body fluids, cavities and pubic hair can sound pretty gross and nasty. But once it is part of sex/lovemaking it magically transforms into hot stuff. In my experience anyways! Same warning. Agreed. One of the problems in mixed relationships might be that asexual person's perception doesn't work that way - it doesn't "click". Or it partially clicks, and the rest remains pretty disgusting. In the very beginning of my relationships I used to do this kind of a mental exercise - I imagined what our interactions would feel like if all the fluids and sweat didn't "magically" feel great. That made me very uncomfortable and very careful with my partner. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 20 hours ago, Lara Black said: Same warning. Agreed. One of the problems in mixed relationships might be that asexual person's perception doesn't work that way - it doesn't "click". Or it partially clicks, and the rest remains pretty disgusting. In the very beginning of my relationships I used to do this kind of a mental exercise - I imagined what our interactions would feel like if all the fluids and sweat didn't "magically" feel great. That made me very uncomfortable and very careful with my partner. I remember a comic strib about asexuality, where the sexual gets really enthusiastic about putting his finger in her nostrils. Ocasionally it helps me to think about this, when I forget how she "works" and let my fingers do the walking on her. Me, caressing her backside, can either be: a. Not nice and a bit of an unpleasant surprise, if she feels a sexual expectation underlying. b. Just a touch. Nothing magic happens. c. Ok, nice. ...but lets not over-do it! (Normally = 2 secs max) I have places on my body, which can be triggered in a good way, or not nice, or just 'meh!? No effect really! thinking about it this way, makes me feel weird about wanting to caress her 'nostrils' !? Link to post Share on other sites
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