I'm Not Sure What I Am

[Pridia]

The thing is as long as I can remember I always wanted to dress like a boy because I enjoyed their clothes more and thought they were more comfortable, I remember that going clothes shopping with my mother always used to be a pain, as I barely liked anything on the girl part (I'm not sure what the proper translation is as English isn't my first language) of the clothing shop, it usually ended up being the bit more gender neutral things, I also remember, that when I looked at the clothes on the boy part, which you usually can see a bit from the girl part, and I would, like, go and point at almost every boy clothing article and be like. "I want that. That ooooh that and yes that please." And then my mum usually went like no that's for boys and after a while I just stopped saying it, knowing that my mum would say no anyway, never stopped me from looking longingly at the boy section (I think I finally remembered the translation). I am not sure why my mum said no, although I suspect that she was afraid that I would get bullied or something. Which actually happened, I got bullied when I was in 6th or 7th grade (not sure how to translate my school system, but I was around 12 back then.). I went to visit a psychologist because of that, basically, a one time only visit for a reason I don't entirely remember, although I'm pretty sure that it was related to the bullying. Anyway, the psychologist diagnosed me with PDD-NOS, I also suspect that because of my PDD-NOS I've never really questioned my gender, probably just thinking that it's normal or like most things, just because I'm told it was like this and in case you don't know people like me tend to follow instructions very literally, I feel like that's not much of an explanation, so I'll give a bit of an example (sort of) I've also suspect that I might actually be born left handed but became right handed because everyone else was it (we had like one left-handed person in our group) and I don't think I've ever tested both hands, my logic probably was: everyone's right-handed, so I'm right-handed, as of now I do certain things with left instead of right, but still almost everything with right because I was thought it that way and I would probably get strange looks learning it with left instead and because I'm not used to it, it usually takes a lot more time to do things this way (homework!). And rambling again on another topic *sighes* sorry, that's a talent of mine.

Anyway back then I looked a lot like woody from the suite life on deck (google him if you don't know.) and some guys called me that, okay I'll admit that a lot of people have had it worse but it still hurt, especially since I agreed/agree with them, I completely wasn't happy with how I looked back then and then my mum helped me change my style, to be more girl-like, still not entirely girl-like she did respect my opinions up to a point, she basically urged me to dress like a not that girly girl, but said no to everything that was for boys. And that's basically the style I still wear, a little less than I used to though (I've managed to sneak a bit more male like clothing in there.), I do however wear mostly gender-neutral things and I've been confused for a male a couple of times now, and mostly they corrected themselves because they saw my breasts, they are freaking huge, I wear a sport bra because otherwise, I'm just uncomfortable, this is the reason I never stay in my pajamas, even if I can. Running without a bra = agony and I sometimes run in my house for some reason. Also, love it, I lost my jacket when I went to a school trip to London about a week ago, now I'm looking for a new jacket, obviously, found about 3 jackets I liked-ish (girl jacket section, chance of completely succeeding = 1%) but my freaking breasts are like, nope not fitting by the top, like one of them was overall too big, but nope it still didn't entirely fit. *scowls*

Anyway, back to topic.... again. I don't feel bothered about being confused as a male although did I feel the urge to correct them because I was always said to be a girl and therefore used to saying that I'm a girl, does this make some sense? Now thinking of it, I once got confused for a boy when I was still a little child.

Besides my clothing preference, I used to game a lot when I was younger, I'm pretty sure I also played with action figures when I was even younger, almost all very close friends I've ever had were male *thinks it over a bit* actually I think I got only like one close friend who was female, and she wasn't exactly a girly girl either, if I recall that correctly (this was like 8 years ago).

Besides this, I've always been fascinated by boys, but not in the sense of wanting to be with one, I mean if that was the case I can practically delete my claim of being asexual from my profile. What I mean is that I have fantasised about being a boy for as long as I remember and this, of course, means that I also have been fascinated by boys for the same reason: wanting to be one myself.

On the other hand, I still have some of these traits that still go with being a girl, like, I've played with dolls a bit as well, I do enjoy some romantic stories, still mostly action movies with a romantic undertone, so it doesn't entirely count. and a few more traits I can't name at the moment. This is the thing that confuses me and is the reason I'm still questioning and not sure what I am

[Internetlionboy]

Listen I understand that gender isn't that easy to understand. I mean it took me months maybe even a year to figure out I was a transboy.  I went with demigirl, demiboy, genderfluid, genderfluid demiboy but I couldn't really click with those as I feel mostly a boy. I decided that I might just be a transboy as I feel masculine, love being called a boy, and I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned with which is female. I get really happy when people call me a boy, dude, guy like yes that's me. I get weirded out when people refer me as female like no please don't and I don't mind if people refer with me they/them pronouns. Honestly your behavior sounds tomboyish but wanting to be a boy kinda says otherwise. The only terms I would suggest that you can look into are demigenders, transmasculine identities, and genderfluid. Just remember that only you can find out who you really are all and that I wish you luck on your identity journey.

[MakeupJunkie4]

@Internetlionboy "Dude". No matter how you (and @Pridia) identify your gender....we're happy to have you both here.

[Internetlionboy]

Hehehe >v< @Jenna444 and yea agreed ^^ omg yay cake 

 

 

[MakeupJunkie4]

@Pridia Hello! I just finished reading your post. Here's the thing....romantic tendencies don't necessarily equate with gender. I've known some guys who were hopeless romantics, and some women who were aro. Both types were cisgender. So no worries about that. Everyone is different. Clothes? Heck, I don't think that factors in much either. I prefer men's t-shirts because they fit me better (athletic broad shoulders), but I'm content being seen as "female". You most certainly can see yourself as an asexual female who prefers gender-neutral clothing, if you think that fits you best. Sometimes I think with all the info out there, we overthink ourselves and worry about the small stuff. Don't stress, my friend. You're just fine as you are.

[Guest]

I can relate to most of the things you say, I've dreamed about being a man too many times before i even discovered things about myself i didn't know before. I have a love-hate relationship with girly things and i really love it when people call me he instead of she. I have never been a girly girl nor have i been a real good tomboy. I think that it's important to take time and just ask around so you could learn from other people's experiences.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for  

[Pridia]

@InternetlionboyThank you for your insight and indeed that are the terms I'm looking into at the moment.

@Jenna444 Good to know that I'm welcome here, I really was afraid that I would be kicked out of this forum, phew . Okay, I have to agree on the clothes part, I mean, have you seen the pockets of woman jeans, that's the reason my phone has fallen about 15 times (only 1 time my screen protector broke, thank god, I did have a mini heart attack after seeing the cracks as I thought it was my actual screen.). *smiles contently and puts phone in huge pocket of their male jeans*... okay I just decided that 'they' sounds like the pronoun I want to try using as well now, as using either his/her felt wrong in that last sentence *thinks* That's also the argument I used to get my parents to allow me to buy male jeans, bigger pockets. Of course not the only reason I wanted them but I convinced them with the argument. Now I need more arguments to convince my parents until I've moved out, I predict a huge change of clothing style. And while I know that I am who I am and I'm pretty sure that if I would go to my parents with this they would support me (I mean I already know they are the kind of people that accept anyone, no matter their race or sexuality. I don't think they would think badly about gender, but I haven't told them about my asexuality either as I'm already not sure how to start that conversation so let alone about the gender-thing as I'm not sure yet.). I'd still like to know what I am, I don't think I can stop thinking about it without knowing.

@Jayce I think that's a good idea and I most certainly will

 

 

 

[<No longer active>]

arguments i can see working;

-short hair is easy to manage

-makeup is a bother

-trainers are practical over pretty shoes

-you want to try a new style

-you're insecure about your chest and want to make is look smaller (Idk about that one)

-you don't want to have to shave your legs or wear tights(argument against skirts)

 

i'll think of more

[Pridia]

Just now, rivkael said:

arguments i can see working;

-short hair is easy to manage

-makeup is a bother

-trainers are practical over pretty shoes

-you want to try a new style

-you're insecure about your chest and want to make is look smaller (Idk about that one)

-you don't want to have to shave your legs or wear tights(argument against skirts)

 

i'll think of more

 

- I already got short hair about 2 years ago with that argument

- I already don't wear makeup

- I already wear trainers because I have difficult feet and need them for support.

- That's definitely not going to work

- no idea how to make it look smaller in the first place

- I already don't have to wear skirts

 

Thanks for trying anyway, but my parents are accepting up to a point so it are only the last things they don't allow me

[Internetlionboy]

@Pridia You can try on sport bras to try to make your chest smaller. That's what I'm doing currently.

[Pridia]

@Internetlionboy I already wear sport bras

 

[Internetlionboy]

Ahh alright. 

[MakeupJunkie4]

@Pridia I understand not being comfortable with he or she, but have you used "zhe"? (Pronounced zee). Apparently some people use it when other words don't fit, but they feel like one person. HTH! 😊👍

[Pridia]

@Jenna444 can't say that I have but I'll consider it

[Pridia]

Update: Apparently my mother connected the dots, actually over a week ago already, of course, she made a different conclusion namely that I want to be a boy, which I am not sure of like I said before. By now I've had a long conversation with my dad on the subject a bit and he now knows by now that I'm not sure and that that's the problem, not the "I want to be a boy". He seemed to understand and agreed that I indeed had both boy and girl traits. In that same conversation, my dad started talking about my sexuality as well somehow connecting it, I couldn't understand his point so he eventually gave up, but somehow in that conversation, I also said that I was asexual as for now.

 

I still have to explain the exact part to my mum but somehow I always have been more able to talk with my father about these things, not that I don't go along with my mum but I sometimes just feel that my dad tries harder to understand it or at least understands it.

 

 

Also, my parents thought it to be a good idea that I would seek help, so I have an appointment with my GP for next Tuesday to talk and I'm super nervous about it.

 

Edit: I totally forgot to say that my parents said that they would fully support me whatever the conclusion was