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happynina

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2 hours ago, Kai99 said:
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In this thread she is being honest with her feelings without sugar coating it. But what do you mean she wasn't being honestNot knowing how you feel about a situation is not the same as dishonesty.  It isn't any more dishonest than a asexual who chose to compromise with sex, only to find themselves hating it. Sometimes you hope that love will overcome the incompatibility. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't pan out that way.

 

Like I wrote, I didn't say she was being DIShonest.  There's a difference between being honest, not honest and dishonest.  Dishonesty includes deliberate deception, whereas simply not being honest means that there's no malice behind it.  In case of the OP, she was with her boyfriend before and they broke up.  They got back together and around that point, she already knew that he wasn't exactly into sex.  In January, she posted that she "made peace" with his orientation, and that she had "lost most of her sexual feelings/desire in general". Several months later, she wrote that she hates that her boyfriend is asexual. To me, it seems as though she may not have known herself well enough to make a decision one way or another.  Love is blind.   

 

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Maybe you should read what she said. I'm not speaking for her because I don't know all the details. And getting off meaning he was aroused by what she was doing and probably masturbating to it.

I DID read what she wrote.  Apparently, you believe that that when she wrote that he was "getting off", she meant that he was "probably masturbating".  The phrase "getting off" can be psychological/emotional or sexual or both.  For instance, I can say that I "get off" when I make a good solid strike in bowling.  Or a man can say that he "gets off" on controlling a woman or making her cry.  Getting off obviously has more than one meaning, which is why I wrote that I had no idea what she meant by it. 

 

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It is completely natural for people to desire sex from their partners. It is easy for an asexual to say sex isn't needed in life, but to most sexuals not having sex can have a severe impact on a person's mental state. It can be agonizing to have a partner that isn't interested in sex. This isn't a case of "he doesn't like to do the things I like!" It is a case of "It is extremely painful for me that my partner will not do this."  

It is also natural for people NOT to desire sex.  Even sexuals don't desire sex every waking moment of every day.  They DO think about other things once in a while.  And as for sex being a "need", well, I'm no going to even get into that. 

 

One reason why sexuals find it "extremely painful" if their partner doesn't want sex is because they tend to tie up their whole identity in sex (another post for another day, perhaps?). Asexuals do not.    

 

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Also, yes, people get into relationships partly to get their needs meet. I also have needs and more than likely so do you. I want companionship and if my partner doesn't offer good companionship than there is no point of me being in a relationship with them.  You wont see me date a person who plays games  in any free time that they have. They would be a sucky companion for me.

Here's the difference:  I don't feel like I "need" companionship.  If I WANT companionship, I can go hang out with my friends, family or even a room full of strangers.  I'm o.k. with myself, whether I have companionship or not.  My whole identity doesn't revolve around whether or not I have a constant companion, and I am grateful for that.  If I don't have a companion, I don't feel "worthless", "empty" or "unlovable".  And it's the same way with sex.  I'm not about to get caught in a trap of not feeling "lovable" simply because I'm not having sex, whether I'm with a partner or not. 

 

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MakeupJunkie4
9 hours ago, happynina said:

My use of the word "whole" has triggered a ton of people. I have edited that part out. 

 

I am alot of things these days. Bitter is one of them. What I mostly am is hurt . Deeply hurt. More hurt than I can ever put into words. Maybe I should have changed my statement to: "I don't feel whole. I feel broken". Because that is what I feel ... I feel helpless and damaged psychologically and emotionally by this. I feel deceived. I feel I have been lied to and strung along for years. I feel cheated and mocked. For years I was told different stories as to why there is a lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship.

 

When I first was told about his sexuality or lack there of, I was understanding and supportive. That made him more mad. So I started being critical of him. That seemed to put him at ease. It seemed as though he wanted me to join him in the battle of "him vs. himself" and thereby prolong the path to the truth. After a while that stopped working too. I felt like a fool. Like no matter what I do, it will end up being wrong. Neither love or harshness seemed to work ... what is one suppose to do?

 

There is more to the story than I could ever write in a single response. I feel I can fill a whole ocean with the things me and him have gone through because of this. 

 

We both have started seeing a therapist. My therapist says one thing, his says something else. Its very confusing from both sides. Some days I see light at the end of the tunnel other days its nothing but blackness and sorrow.

 

I appreciate all of your responses good or bad (specially you Togee, much love to you). At the end of the day, no one can help me with what is going on. No amount of advice can change the fact that I  k n o w  he loves me, but I don't  f e e l  it. Knowing someone loves you is not the same as feeling it ........................


Btw he knows about this site and I have encouraged him to get on it but refuses to do so.

@happynina thank you for clarifying. I'm glad you realized that your sadness and pain were affecting what you wrote. No hard feelings here.

 

However, it does sound like he's struggling with who he is, and isn't very stable right now. This has nothing to do with you, it's his own personal battle. Breaking up was probably best for you both. It doesn't mean you don't care about him, it just means it's time to move on. I'm glad you shared the website with him. Maybe someday he'll be comfortable with himself and want to join us. You seem to be a kind person, and I wish you the very best in your healing process. 👍

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Like I wrote, I didn't say she was being DIShonest.  There's a difference between being honest, not honest and dishonest.  Dishonesty includes deliberate deception, whereas simply not being honest means that there's no malice behind it.  In case of the OP, she was with her boyfriend before and they broke up.  They got back together and around that point, she already knew that he wasn't exactly into sex.  In January, she posted that she "made peace" with his orientation, and that she had "lost most of her sexual feelings/desire in general". Several months later, she wrote that she hates that her boyfriend is asexual. To me, it seems as though she may not have known herself well enough to make a decision one way or another.  Love is blind.   

Yes, very much so.

 

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I DID read what she wrote.  Apparently, you believe that that when she wrote that he was "getting off", she meant that he was "probably masturbating".  The phrase "getting off" can be psychological/emotional or sexual or both.  For instance, I can say that I "get off" when I make a good solid strike in bowling.  Or a man can say that he "gets off" on controlling a woman or making her cry.  Getting off obviously has more than one meaning, which is why I wrote that I had no idea what she meant by it. 

Okay, I'm just going to let the dictionary answer this. She said he had a smoking fetish. 

 

 

fet·ish

ˈfediSH/
noun
 
1.
a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.
 
For asexuals that have a fetish, usually that means they experience sexual arousal from their fetish, but they still have no desire to have sex. So she risked her health and smoked in order to turn him on and "get him off", and was bitter that he would not give her any sort of sexual gratification. Especially since she was willing to, once again, risk her health to give it to him. Or she could explain it more herself. I don't want to put words in her mouth... 
 
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It is also natural for people NOT to desire sex.  

Yes, but that is not common.

 

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Even sexuals don't desire sex every waking moment of every day.  They DO think about other things once in a while.  And as for sex being a "need", well, I'm no going to even get into that. 

I never said that they desire it every single moment. They DO have a drive for it. It isn't a mindblowing concept that most sexuals consider sex a part of life, and never having it would be very depressing for most of them.

 

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And as for sex being a "need", well, I'm no going to even get into that. 

Yes for many people, sex is a need.

 

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Here's the difference:  I don't feel like I "need" companionship.  If I WANT companionship, I can go hang out with my friends, family or even a room full of strangers.  I'm o.k. with myself, whether I have companionship or not.  My whole identity doesn't revolve around whether or not I have a constant companion, and I am grateful for that.  If I don't have a companion, I don't feel "worthless", "empty" or "unlovable"

 

I'm perfectly happy being single. But if I were to choose a romantic partner, and I have to say it would probably be the same for you, there are things I will want and expect from a partner. They will fill a need that my friends or family wouldn't be able to fulfill.  
 
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And it's the same way with sex.  I'm not about to get caught in a trap of not feeling "lovable" simply because I'm not having sex, whether I'm with a partner or not. 

Well good for you. Obviously it isn't that easy of a decision for most people.

 

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I'm glad you realized that your sadness and pain were affecting what you wrote.

That should have been obvious to most of the readers. But instead *puts on offended hats*.

 
 
 
 
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MakeupJunkie4

@Kai99 not sure why I'm being quoted here...? I wasn't one of the people attacking her. I did agree with someone who doesn't think it's cool to call an ace "not whole", but it's not something that I would start a personal attack over. Because she did clarify her place (and graciously edited her post - very kind of her), I don't see the point in bringing up the fact that some people took offense. It happens. Just saying. As I said in my last post, no hard feelings on my part. Can't we all just move on and be at peace? 👍♠🍰

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1 minute ago, Jenna444 said:

@Kai99 not sure why I'm being quoted here...? I wasn't one of the people attacking her. I did agree with someone who doesn't think it's cool to call an ace "not whole", but it's not something that I would start a personal attack over. Because she did clarify her place (and graciously edited her post - very kind of her), I don't see the point in bringing up the fact that some people took offense. It happens. Just saying. As I said in my last post, no hard feelings on my part. Can't we all just move on and be at peace? 👍♠🍰

No, I should have clarified that wasn't address towards you.

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30 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

 

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Okay, I'm just going to let the dictionary answer this. She said he had a smoking fetish. 

 

 

fet·ish

ˈfediSH/
noun
 
1.
a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.

 

I have a dictionary too.  Miriam Webster's online says
 
CloseStyle: MLA APA Chicago
 
EasyBib 

Definition of fetish

  1. 1a :  an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly :  a material object regarded with superstitious or extravagant trust or reverenceb :  an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion :  prepossessionc :  an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression

  2. 2 :  a rite or cult of fetish worshippers

  3. 3 :  fixation

A fetish can be either sexual or non-sexual.  We have no idea what kind of "fetish" he had without asking the OP.
 
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Yes, but that is not common

It's more common than you think. 

 

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I never said that they desire it every single moment. They DO have a drive for it. It isn't a mindblowing concept that most sexuals consider sex a part of life, and never having it would be very depressing for most of them.

Drive is not consistent for many people.  Some people can have a sex 'drive' of every other day.  A woman's 'drive' may be non-existent once she becomes pregnant.  Another's 'drive' can increase after menopause.  A man's 'drive' can decrease because of ED.  They all might consider sex to be "part of life" and yes, I agree that it might be depressing for some of them, it would feel like a 'burden lifted' for others.  Though there are statistics available on this, statistics only represent a small amount of the population. 

 

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Yes for many people, sex is a need.

Depends on how "need" is defined.  Is it an individual "need" for survival?  No.  Is it a psychological "need" for happiness?  Yes, for some, it is.  Then again, for some people, alcohol is a "need"...

 

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I'm perfectly happy being single. But if I were to choose a romantic partner, and I have to say it would probably be the same for you, there are things I will want and expect from a partner. They will fill a need that my friends or family wouldn't be able to fulfill.  

Oh, I don't know.  What I "need" from friends, family or a romantic partner are things like honesty, loyalty, kindness, compassion, gratitude, etc.     

 

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That should have been obvious to most of the readers. But instead *puts on offended hats*.

 

Uh....I don't think I wrote that last quote...

 
 
 

 

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I have a dictionary too.  Miriam Webster's online says
 
CloseStyle: MLA APA Chicago
 
EasyBib 

Definition of fetish

  1. 1a :  an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly :  a material object regarded with superstitious or extravagant trust or reverenceb :  an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion :  prepossessionc :  an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression

  2. 2 :  a rite or cult of fetish worshippers

  3. 3 :  fixation

A fetish can be either sexual or non-sexual.  We have no idea what kind of "fetish" he had without asking the OP.

Well being that the OP liked my post, I'm going with my own version for the correct one. But most people understand when someone say "fetish" and "getting off" what that person actually means. 

 

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It's more common than you think.

I disagree. Even here in the I-don't-want-sex haven you will find a good portion who desire sex.

 

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Drive is not consistent for many people.  Some people can have a sex 'drive' of every other day.  A woman's 'drive' may be non-existent once she becomes pregnant.  Another's 'drive' can increase after menopause.  A man's 'drive' can decrease because of ED.  They all might consider sex to be "part of life" and yes, I agree that it might be depressing for some of them, it would feel like a 'burden lifted' for others.  Though there are statistics available on this, statistics only represent a small amount of the population.

Most people have the drive for sex. How much or little they want it isn't important.

 

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Depends on how "need" is defined.  Is it an individual "need" for survival?  No.  Is it a psychological "need" for happiness?  Yes, for some, it is.  Then again, for some people, alcohol is a "need"...

Ah, but unlike alcohol, people are instinctively driven towards sexual interest. The sexual desire that is switched on usually at puberty is a powerful force in people's lives. It can make or break someone. 

 

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Oh, I don't know.  What I "need" from friends, family or a romantic partner are things like honesty, loyalty, kindness, compassion, gratitude, etc.    

So if a person has all those traits but has nothing in common with you, you would still date them? What about a partner who has all those traits, but will only say one word to you throughout the day?

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Internetlionboy

I think it's good that you broke up with him as it sounds like it's the best thing for you two. You sound like a kind person recommending him this forum and I just hope you get better in the mean time.

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AshenPhoenix

I'm locking this topic pending a 24-hour cooldown period.

 

I explicitly stated barely a day ago that this thread needed to remain civilized and on track. Let me make this clear, making degrading comments based on one's a/sexuality, making generalizations, passing judgement, are ALL not allowed. As are inflammatory remarks, and ignoring an administrator's warnings. Yes, the remarks that have already been said are of such nature, however, my warning applied to all of those, and continuing to debate them as well only furthers the situation.

 

When it comes to subjects like this, I understand emotions are commonly raw and hurt, and the topic is sensitive for many people. That is, however, not an excuse to generalize a sexuality, it's interpretation, or insult those of that sexuality. As such I fully expect that when this topic is unlocked, the nature of sexuality, behavior of a/sexuals, and what they should/should not be allowed to feel debates are all dropped, along with the generalizations being made about and during them.

 

AshenPhoenix, Administrator.

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AshenPhoenix

I'm unlocking this topic now that the cooldown period is over. If the same thing continues to happen, this topic will be immediately locked permanently. And I'd rather not do that to the OP, seeking advice.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Happynina, in my opinion, the most important thing here is not whether your boyfrend is sexual or asexual, or whether he is homo or heterosexual. The most important thing is that by whatever reason you feel deceived and betrayed. And in my opinion, he is a person who led you to do something harmful to your health, which is to start smoking. This indicates that your well-being is not the most important thing to him. He has his own issues with himself to solve, but it really seems to me that you are in a harmful relationship. It may happen to anyone, no matter what sexual orientation the person has, and I believe this is the thing you should think about. If you break up with him now you will suffer, but it won`t last forever. Broken hearts heal. This is just the nature of things. But if you insist in staying in this relationship, expecting him to change, you`ll be heading for disaster. People should never be expected to change so that a relationship may survive, no matter if the person is perceived as being right or wrong. If you break up, you`ll be giving you both a chance of finding a compatible person. This is what you two need. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I used to feel like I was in the same boat OP. I tried to break it off and my love even wanted me too, because she knew I could find better things, she said she felt terrible that she was "broken." In this same conversation, she expressed such love for me that I decided there was no way I could keep doubting wether she really loved me or not. I decided that even though I feel like I neeeed sex, I neeeeed her more. So I'm fighting to redefine what a relationship, and ultimately sex, is. If this person says he loves you, and the only thing missing is physical evidence, you need to put your faith in his words, even if they aren't abundant either. Try to look at the ways that he doooeess show his love, instead of the ways he doesn't. Idk if this will help you, but it has been helping me a lot, to the point I even asked her to marry me a few days ago. I've put too much into this woman to let her chemical imperfection be something that breaks us apart. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Maybe it would be helpful if you both saw a relationship counselor? As long as it's one who is familiar with asexuality, it seems like it might be helpful.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I am alot of things these days. Bitter is one of them. What I mostly am is hurt . Deeply hurt. More hurt than I can ever put into words. Maybe I should have changed my statement to: "I don't feel whole. I feel broken". Because that is what I feel ... I feel helpless and damaged psychologically and emotionally by this. I feel deceived. I feel I have been lied to and strung along for years. I feel cheated and mocked. For years I was told different stories as to why there is a lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship.

I am sorry that you are feeling so low.

 

As an ace who is not interested in sex, I would have to say that it would be very, very unlikely that I'd ever attempt a romantic relationship (and that's if I am heteroromantic, which at this point, I don't even know!) with a non-ace. I think in this case, you have very strong feelings for an individual who seems to already be struggling to comes to terms with his sexual orientation. I doubt sex therapy - if the goal is to get him to want sex - is healthy for him. Perhaps therapy to help him with his self esteem issues.

 

It also sounds from your writings as if he is haunted by what he feels he cannot give you. As far as a sexual relationship goes, it might not be a good mix, because you feel that the outwards displays of his disinterest in sex means he's disinterested in *you* and that is probably doing you both harm.

 

I feel that since asexuality is a minority orientation, it can create a host of problems for aces that find themselves caring deeply for non-aces, because they often will start to doubt themselves/ feel insecure/ feel 'lost' in terms of how to proceed. 

 

So I do feel breaking up with him was probably for the best - for you both. I liken the situation to if you felt strongly for, say, a person who was gay. Sex therapy wouldn't make a homosexual a heterosexual, and sex therapy won't make an asexual into a sexual person. 

 

It is a sad situation, because emotionally you both are connected at a level that sounded quite close. 

 

All the best in finding a partner that helps you feel loved in every way you need to feel loved. *hugs*

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