Feel trapped ...

[happynina]

I can't lie I hate that my boyfriend is asexual. Makes me sad. Makes me feel like I am missing out. Makes me angry. Makes me feel unloved. Makes me want to cheat. Which makes me feel like shit.

 

I am in love yet I am trapped. Charles Dickens said it best: "it was the best of times it was the worst of times". That is how I feel. Being in love but not getting what I want/need the most: amazing sex!

 

I feel ... just .... sad ...

 

 

What do I do? How to make peace with it?

[Guest]

.

[happynina]

I think I will be doing both of us a favor not only him.

 

I just don't know how to do that when I am in love with him at the same time.

[Lara Black]

Hello, Happynina.

 

Sadly, there’s not much you can do. Basically, your main question is whether or not to break up, and to bring another famous quote into this topic, “You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t”. The positive thing here is that, should the two of you break up, each has a chance at finding someone better fitted for you. If you stay together, things aren’t going to magically get better. And there is no way to make the breakup easy – you’ll have to work through the pain and in time make peace with it.

[vega57]

52 minutes ago, happynina said:

I can't lie I hate that my boyfriend is asexual. Makes me sad. Makes me feel like I am missing out. Makes me angry. Makes me feel unloved. Makes me want to cheat. Which makes me feel like shit.

 

I am in love yet I am trapped. Charles Dickens said it best: "it was the best of times it was the worst of times". That is how I feel. Being in love but not getting what I want/need the most: amazing sex!

 

I feel ... just .... sad ...

 

 

What do I do? How to make peace with it?

You are not trapped.  You already know what your options are, Nina.  Your boyfriend isn't going to change and neither are you. 

 

Since you are the one who is unhappy in the relationship, it's up to you to do something about it.  That doesn't mean that you try to get HIM to change; it means YOU have to change.  Either you have to accept him as he is (without cheating on him), or break up and find someone who has the same desires and values as you. 

 

Ending a relationship with someone is never easy, whether you've had sex with them or not.   

 

Ask yourself a question.  What is it about not having sex with someone you love that makes you feel "angry", "unloved", "missing out" and "sad"? 

[happynina]

He is unhappy too! He is unhappy that he is not "whole" (his words not mine). He is seeing a sex therapist and things might change (is what the therapist is saying).

 

Vega, but I f e e l trapped. I feel trapped because I love the freaking guy ... So what do people do? None of us can change, but we both want each other ... I am damned no matter what. You are right on that one, Lara.

 

 

Good question. I don't know exactly why I feel so angry. Maybe because I gave him what he wanted. He has a smoking fetish, so I started smoking just for him. And I did all of the things he wanted (smoke like this, smoke like that) and he would get off on it. But not sex.

 

I feel cheated.  I did not want to smoke. But I did it. For him. I want sex. He doesn't. Why can't he do this for me?

 

But again good question. I don't know the root of my anger on this issue. Maybe because I love sex and the one person I want to have it with the most, I cant have it with. Makes me lose self esteem and makes me feel depressed. 

[happynina]

I have decided to break up with him. I can't live without sex nor do I want to. It's so hard to see him as a man who whole heartedly loves me when the sex is not there. I want to see him as man who whole heartedly loves me, but I simply just can't. It keeps make me feel like he might be gay. He says he is not but I don't know anymore ... 

 

I simply can not give up sex. For him or anyone else. I will go insane ... too bad. Hope he's therapist can help him change things so he can feel sexual attraction (which is what he has said he wants), but I doubt it. Poor guy ...

[SexualandMarriedtoanACE]

Wow @happynina I read all of your testimony and it is the exact same feelings I have been having with my husband of 6 years. We found out together he was ace after about a year together and decided together we would make it work. We have fought over sex and compromise so often in our relationship I feel exhausted of it. I understand now he cant change but I am struggling with acceptance because I truly do love him more than I have ever loved anyone before. He thinks my struggle with accepting his ace status makes me not "love" him or he is broken but I try and tell him thats not how I feel. Its just we are different trying to be the same :/ I am so sad because I feel trapped in any decision I make. I wish I had someone to talk to about how to get better at accepting his status and being okay with no sex but no one seems to understand asexuality. ugh 

[SexualandMarriedtoanACE]

Thanks for any help or advice or just conversation you can offer 

[Nidwin]

It's even worse than "no one seems to understand asexuality".

 

From my experience, except the people in the middle of it (being ace or sexials in mixed couples), nobody gives a damn shitt about it. They ignore or even refuse to aknoweldge the reality of asexuality making it impossible to progress one way or another.

 

If you're lucky you end up with an asexual who loves, enjoys and has more sex than most sexuals but if you end up with an ace from around here, you're screwed (matter of speaking). There's no wonderpill or wonder treatment for us as, aces. The amount and frequency we desire partnered, or whaterver else, sex is zero, nada, never for sexual reasons.

 

It can work it seems, mixed couples, for some folks out there, but if it's actually healthy for both partners remains to be seen and I've my doubts.

[Philip027]

It's certainly within your rights to leave and no one can fault you for that, but thinking of someone as not a "whole" person just because they are ace or because they don't do the whole sex thing (or because they don't do the whole sex thing *with you*) is somewhat uncool

[Togee]

21 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It's certainly within your rights to leave and no one can fault you for that, but thinking of someone as not a "whole" person just because they are ace or because they don't do the whole sex thing (or because they don't do the whole sex thing *with you*) is somewhat uncool

 

 

20 hours ago, happynina said:

He is unhappy too! He is unhappy that he is not "whole" (his words not mine).

 

 

[Togee]

Unfortunately, it seems that a mixed relationship doesn't work for you. Break-up would probably be the best option. If he isn't going to compromise, I suspect it won't happen so the current situation would just continue, which doesn't seem to be a good thing.

[Philip027]

6 hours ago, Togee said:

 

 

On 4/9/2017 at 10:19 AM, happynina said:

I have decided to break up with him. I can't live without sex nor do I want to. It's so hard to see him as a whole man when the sex is not there. I want to see him as a whole man, but I simply just can't. It keeps make me feel like he is gay. He says he is not ... 

 

I simply can not give sex up for him. I will go insane ... too bad. Hope he's therapist can help him change things, but I doubt it. Poor guy ...

She still clearly buys into the negative things he's saying about himself as a result of what he sees as his sexual inadequacies, which still isn't exactly cool.  Even if she has decided she can't stay with this person as a result of said inadequacies (which like I said, is perfectly within one's rights), it still isn't very fair to think of them as less of a person because of it.  That's just feeding into his insecurities and would surely only make him feel worse for no reason.

 

I'm just trying to speak here from an ace's point of view here, but honestly, whether or not he actually is asexual isn't really the point.

[Blondbear]

On 9/4/2017 at 6:42 PM, happynina said:

I can't lie I hate that my boyfriend is asexual. Makes me sad. Makes me feel like I am missing out. Makes me angry. Makes me feel unloved. Makes me want to cheat. Which makes me feel like shit.

 

I am in love yet I am trapped. Charles Dickens said it best: "it was the best of times it was the worst of times". That is how I feel. Being in love but not getting what I want/need the most: amazing sex!

 

I feel ... just .... sad ...

 

 

What do I do? How to make peace with it?

 

I made peace by splitting, it was the best decision of my life to get a new girlfriend. 

Honestly, I can understand that you compromise in a relationship if you both are happy, but you look depressed and destroyed. It is not worth it, split and find somebody new.

[straightouttamordor]

See as an asexual  I don't understand the feelings of sexuals. Like the shot clock is ticking on having sex. Then when you get the frequency nunbers close, the stuggle becomes what kind of sex are we going to engage in, what are we going to "try" next ?  Boredrom sets in,  a deficit of adventure. Like a seeker never finding. The sexual dynamic just seems an excercise in futility. Then on to another partner with new challenges and other sex based problems . Sex isn't synonymous with love to me,  thst just doesn't compute. I know I'm in the minority and it's not my relationship and it's my mentality and the core of me not everyone else. Not judging your feelings. 

If one is unhappy or dissatisfied then both of you are in essence. So ending the relationship would be the right thing. No one wants to be in a unrequited love. 

Best of luck to you both. It's sad to see a love die, no matter the reasons or the people.

[straightouttamordor]

1 hour ago, prib23 said:

See as an asexual  I don't understand the feelings of sexuals. Like the shot clock is ticking on having sex. Then when you get the frequency nunbers close, the stuggle becomes what kind of sex are we going to engage in, what are we going to "try" next ?  Boredrom sets in,  a deficit of adventure. Like a seeker never finding. The sexual dynamic just seems an excercise in futility. Then on to another partner with new challenges and other sex based problems . Sex isn't synonymous with love to me,  that just doesn't compute. I know I'm in the minority and it's not my relationship and it's my mentality and the core of me not everyone else. Not judging your feelings. 

If one is unhappy or dissatisfied then both of you are in essence. So ending the relationship would be the right thing. No one wants to be in a unrequited love. 

Best of luck to you both. It's sad to see a love die, no matter the reasons or the people.

 

[funfetti]

On 4/9/2017 at 3:19 PM, happynina said:

 

Hope he's therapist can help him change things, but I doubt it. Poor guy ...

Dude, what?

[Guest]

@kingcakedonut She just sounds bitter.

[funfetti]

2 minutes ago, PaleFallenAngel said:

@kingcakedonut She just sounds bitter.

I agreed with the first reply you said. Sounds like she did the dude a favor. Terrible. Hopefully he'll join AVEN or is around. 

[funfetti]

4 minutes ago, PaleFallenAngel said:

@kingcakedonut She just sounds bitter.

***bitternina

[Guest]

@kingcakedonut It's terrible that that is her attitude toward someone she claims to love.

[AshenPhoenix]

Okay you guys. This thread has crossed and/or gotten close to a few lines now. Firstly, let's remember it's not our job here at AVEN to define the sexuality of others, and that it's against the AVEN ToS. As well that a/sexuality is not a measure of one person as a human being in any circumstance. But also remember that hostility and insults in any way towards other users will not be tolerated. So let's just all around take a step back right now.

 

AshenPhoenix, Administrator.

[MakeupJunkie4]

On 4/10/2017 at 7:43 AM, Philip027 said:

It's certainly within your rights to leave and no one can fault you for that, but thinking of someone as not a "whole" person just because they are ace or because they don't do the whole sex thing (or because they don't do the whole sex thing *with you*) is somewhat uncool

Agreed. There's so much more to life and relationships than sex. But if sex is that important to someone, then by all means, find another sexual person to do it with. Asexuals are not broken and nothing is missing in us. We're just different. And different is good. We don't need a wonder pill or therapist.

....we just need cake. LOL

[MakeupJunkie4]

21 hours ago, prib23 said:

See as an asexual  I don't understand the feelings of sexuals. Like the shot clock is ticking on having sex. Then when you get the frequency nunbers close, the stuggle becomes what kind of sex are we going to engage in, what are we going to "try" next ?  Boredrom sets in,  a deficit of adventure. Like a seeker never finding. The sexual dynamic just seems an excercise in futility. Then on to another partner with new challenges and other sex based problems . Sex isn't synonymous with love to me,  thst just doesn't compute. I know I'm in the minority and it's not my relationship and it's my mentality and the core of me not everyone else. Not judging your feelings. 

If one is unhappy or dissatisfied then both of you are in essence. So ending the relationship would be the right thing. No one wants to be in a unrequited love. 

Best of luck to you both. It's sad to see a love die, no matter the reasons or the people.

COMPLETELY AGREE. You must be my twin brother. LOL

[happynina]

My use of the word "whole" has triggered a ton of people. I have edited that part out. 

 

I am alot of things these days. Bitter is one of them. What I mostly am is hurt . Deeply hurt. More hurt than I can ever put into words. Maybe I should have changed my statement to: "I don't feel whole. I feel broken". Because that is what I feel ... I feel helpless and damaged psychologically and emotionally by this. I feel deceived. I feel I have been lied to and strung along for years. I feel cheated and mocked. For years I was told different stories as to why there is a lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship.

 

When I first was told about his sexuality or lack there of, I was understanding and supportive. That made him more mad. So I started being critical of him. That seemed to put him at ease. It seemed as though he wanted me to join him in the battle of "him vs. himself" and thereby prolong the path to the truth. After a while that stopped working too. I felt like a fool. Like no matter what I do, it will end up being wrong. Neither love or harshness seemed to work ... what is one suppose to do?

 

There is more to the story than I could ever write in a single response. I feel I can fill a whole ocean with the things me and him have gone through because of this. 

 

We both have started seeing a therapist. My therapist says one thing, his says something else. Its very confusing from both sides. Some days I see light at the end of the tunnel other days its nothing but blackness and sorrow.

 

I appreciate all of your responses good or bad (specially you Togee, much love to you). At the end of the day, no one can help me with what is going on. No amount of advice can change the fact that I  k n o w  he loves me, but I don't  f e e l  it. Knowing someone loves you is not the same as feeling it ........................


Btw he knows about this site and I have encouraged him to get on it but refuses to do so.

[Kai99]

And there goes asexuals attacking a sexual again for being honest. One of the most easily triggered bunch of people. So she is selfish for wanting what she wants, and yet she is willing to risk her health by smoking for her ace boyfriend just for him to get off and you guys are saying you feel sorry only for the guy? Really?

 

There are many asexuals here who should not be allowed to comment since they are too easily triggered when they see the view of the other side. They are way too closed minded( why do you care about sex so much) to be any help for a sexual. If you can only criticize someone for being who they are instead of trying to explain the asexual side of things, please just stay out of this section.

[Blondbear]

4 hours ago, happynina said:

My use of the word "whole" has triggered a ton of people. I have edited that part out. 

 

I am alot of things these days. Bitter is one of them. What I mostly am is hurt . Deeply hurt. More hurt than I can ever put into words. Maybe I should have changed my statement to: "I don't feel whole. I feel broken". Because that is what I feel ... I feel helpless and damaged psychologically and emotionally by this. I feel deceived. I feel I have been lied to and strung along for years. I feel cheated and mocked. For years I was told different stories as to why there is a lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship.

 

When I first was told about his sexuality or lack there of, I was understanding and supportive. That made him more mad. So I started being critical of him. That seemed to put him at ease. It seemed as though he wanted me to join him in the battle of "him vs. himself" and thereby prolong the path to the truth. After a while that stopped working too. I felt like a fool. Like no matter what I do, it will end up being wrong. Neither love or harshness seemed to work ... what is one suppose to do?

 

There is more to the story than I could ever write in a single response. I feel I can fill a whole ocean with the things me and him have gone through because of this. 

 

We both have started seeing a therapist. My therapist says one thing, his says something else. Its very confusing from both sides. Some days I see light at the end of the tunnel other days its nothing but blackness and sorrow.

 

I appreciate all of your responses good or bad (specially you Togee, much love to you). At the end of the day, no one can help me with what is going on. No amount of advice can change the fact that I  k n o w  he loves me, but I don't  f e e l  it. Knowing someone loves you is not the same as feeling it ........................


Btw he knows about this site and I have encouraged him to get on it but refuses to do so.

 

Years ago I met a woman who married a closeted gay. The poor man didn't accept his sexuality and lied to himself, his wife, of course, suffered also because she thought she had married an heterosexual man. They tried therapy and many things, even religious counseling, at the end they split and had a messy divorce with one kid involved. 

Sexual and romantic orientations are a HUGE incompatibility, there is nothing wrong with your boyfriend but there is something very wrong with the relationship if you feel miserable. You don't try to make work a relationship with a gay person if you are heterosexual. Cut your losses, split now and find somebody more compatible. Both of you can find more suitable partners for sure.

[vega57]

18 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

And there goes asexuals attacking a sexual again for being honest. One of the most easily triggered bunch of people. So she is selfish for wanting what she wants, and yet she is willing to risk her health by smoking for her ace boyfriend just for him to get off and you guys are saying you feel sorry only for the guy? Really?

 

There are many asexuals here who should not be allowed to comment since they are too easily triggered when they see the view of the other side. They are way too closed minded( why do you care about sex so much) to be any help for a sexual. If you can only criticize someone for being who they are instead of trying to explain the asexual side of things, please just stay out of this section.

Part of the problem is that she WASN'T being "honest".  In her post in January, she said that she understood that her (ex)bf was asexual and that she "made peace" with it.  Now, several months later, she realizes that she really doesn't want to live in a relationship without sex.  Basically, she wasn't honest with herself, first.  Not blaming her or saying she "lied".  She may not have known herself as well as she thought she did. 

 

Did he WANT her to start smoking?  Did he TELL her that he wanted her to start smoking (and threaten that if she doesn't, their relationship is over)?  Or did she simply decide to do it on her own?  He may not even be aware that she "did it for HIM".  As for him "getting off" on 'it', I have no idea what that means. 

 

Sometimes people have what's called a "covert contract" in a relationship.  It usually sounds like, "I-did-this-for-you-now-you-have-to-do-something-for-me".  Of course, that's hidden from the other person, and it most often causes a lot of unnecessary frustration for BOTH parties. 

 

Getting into a relationship in order to get your "needs" met doesn't sound like a good reason to get into a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kai99]

Quote

Part of the problem is that she WASN'T being "honest".  In her post in January, she said that she understood that her (ex)bf was asexual and that she "made peace" with it.  Now, several months later, she realizes that she really doesn't want to live in a relationship without sex.  Basically, she wasn't honest with herself, first.  Not blaming her or saying she "lied".  She may not have known herself as well as she thought she did. 

In this thread she is being honest with her feelings without sugar coating it. But what do you mean she wasn't being honest? Not knowing how you feel about a situation is not the same as dishonesty.  It isn't any more dishonest than a asexual who chose to compromise with sex, only to find themselves hating it. Sometimes you hope that love will overcome the incompatibility. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't pan out that way.

 

Quote

Did he WANT her to start smoking?  Did he TELL her that he wanted her to start smoking (and threaten that if she doesn't, their relationship is over)?  Or did she simply decide to do it on her own?  He may not even be aware that she "did it for HIM".  As for him "getting off" on 'it', I have no idea what that means.

 

Maybe you should read what she said. I'm not speaking for her because I don't know all the details. And getting off meaning he was aroused by what she was doing and probably masturbating to it.

 

"Good question. I don't know exactly why I feel so angry. Maybe because I gave him what he wanted. He has a smoking fetish, so I started smoking just for him. And I did all of the things he wanted (smoke like this, smoke like that) and he would get off on it. But not sex."

 

 

Quote

Sometimes people have what's called a "covert contract" in a relationship.  It usually sounds like, "I-did-this-for-you-now-you-have-to-do-something-for-me".  Of course, that's hidden from the other person, and it most often causes a lot of unnecessary frustration for BOTH parties. 

 

Getting into a relationship in order to get your "needs" met doesn't sound like a good reason to get into a relationship.

 

It is completely natural for people to desire sex from their partners. It is easy for an asexual to say sex isn't needed in life, but to most sexuals not having sex can have a severe impact on a person's mental state. It can be agonizing to have a partner that isn't interested in sex. This isn't a case of "he doesn't like to do the things I like!" It is a case of "It is extremely painful for me that my partner will not do this."  

 

Also, yes, people get into relationships partly to get their needs meet. I also have needs and more than likely so do you. I want companionship and if my partner doesn't offer good companionship than there is no point of me being in a relationship with them.  You wont see me date a person who plays games  in any free time that they have. They would be a sucky companion for me.