I'm aromantic because...

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I highly enjoy my freedom and independence. I am proud of my ability to take care of myself. I enjoy owning a living space that is just mine. I dislike compromising all the time. I dislike the idea of "checking in" with somebody when I get a spur of the moment idea to do an activity.

 

The one and only romantic relationship that I got into was stifling. I don't miss it.

[aeimquy159]

...I am horrible at dating and too confrontation averse to make my needs known. 

[urcute08]

On 4/9/2017 at 4:06 AM, Snao Çoñé said:

What about aromantic people who do want to date or marry? 

Not sure if I 100% fit this but unlike a lot of aromantics I don't mind the idea of being in a relationship or marrying.

I also don't mind the idea of not being in a relationship or marriage, provided I have long-term friends.

For me, I just don't understand the difference between friendship & romantic-partner and from what I've seen most people describe it as "it just feels different from a friendship".

For the most part it doesn't bother me to think of my current partner as only a best-friend.

In the end I'd just like someone to have a chat with and share memes with.

[Homer]

I have no idea why I should make things overly complicated when friendships contain everything I need. Still haven't figured out a difference (aside from limerence, which is supposed to fade anyway. Bonus, I despise that feeling.).

[Snao Cone]

3 hours ago, urcute08 said:

Not sure if I 100% fit this but unlike a lot of aromantics I don't mind the idea of being in a relationship or marrying.

I also don't mind the idea of not being in a relationship or marriage, provided I have long-term friends.

For me, I just don't understand the difference between friendship & romantic-partner and from what I've seen most people describe it as "it just feels different from a friendship".

For the most part it doesn't bother me to think of my current partner as only a best-friend.

In the end I'd just like someone to have a chat with and share memes with.

Seeing  a best friend as a committed partnership that may lead to permanent cohabitation and/or marriage often seems indistinguishable from romantic relationships aside from fuzzy feelings (which may die down, as Homer mentions). I have multiple best friends (I'm polyplatonic ) but I don't see them often. Some have moved away. They're all in committed romantic relationships. Two have kids. Is it a stretch for me to call them friends, specifically best friends, in this case? For the record I don't think my friendship style has anything to do with being aro, I'm just curious if they can even qualify as close friendships if they don't follow a pattern of commitment comparable to romantic relationships.

[Slayerin96]

I'm aromantic because I'm capable of loving people, but I never fall in love. Simple as that. 

[SamwiseLovesLife]

3 hours ago, urcute08 said:

Not sure if I 100% fit this but unlike a lot of aromantics I don't mind the idea of being in a relationship or marrying.

I also don't mind the idea of not being in a relationship or marriage, provided I have long-term friends.

For me, I just don't understand the difference between friendship & romantic-partner and from what I've seen most people describe it as "it just feels different from a friendship".

For the most part it doesn't bother me to think of my current partner as only a best-friend.

In the end I'd just like someone to have a chat with and share memes with.

This exactly

[Homer]

1 hour ago, Snao Çoñé said:

Is it a stretch for me to call them friends, specifically best friends, in this case? For the record I don't think my friendship style has anything to do with being aro, I'm just curious if they can even qualify as close friendships if they don't follow a pattern of commitment comparable to romantic relationships.

At the end of the day, it depends on what the people involved figure out to suit them best. It depends on what you're looking for in a friendship  - and on what you're willing to invest.

 

"Multiple best friends" is a contradiction in my book, so there's that. I'd say that I'd have to be allowed to call a best friend at 3.30 at night to pour my heart out, without making them mad at me forever. Someone I trust 100%, someone I know as well as I know myself.

 

As for commitment... hm. I'm definitely determined not to let them down or anything. i'll always try to help as much as possible and boy, I'm ready to walk an extra marathon if need be. I certainly did in the past. But I don't need exclusivity. We're allowed to have as many other friends as we like without damaging our own friendship. Everyone has their strengths, weaknesses and experiences and sometimes you find yourself more comfortable sharing something with friend B rather than friend A.

 

I can't judge your relationships; all I know is that I used to have a friend who would vanish for months at a time sometimes. I still felt really really close to them, even though it has never been the classic "best friends" scenario. It's definitely not just about physical presence.

 

No idea what your requirements are for someone to be your "best friend". I know that what you describe wouldn't be enough for me, but that doesn't say one bit about you and the way you organize your relationships.

 

Besides that, I lost a large portion of the confidence I had in my way of doing this because last year, so none of all that might be worth a thing.

[urcute08]

16 hours ago, Snao Çoñé said:

Seeing  a best friend as a committed partnership that may lead to permanent cohabitation and/or marriage often seems indistinguishable from romantic relationships aside from fuzzy feelings (which may die down, as Homer mentions). I have multiple best friends (I'm polyplatonic ) but I don't see them often. Some have moved away. They're all in committed romantic relationships. Two have kids. Is it a stretch for me to call them friends, specifically best friends, in this case? For the record I don't think my friendship style has anything to do with being aro, I'm just curious if they can even qualify as close friendships if they don't follow a pattern of commitment comparable to romantic relationships.

As I say when people ask about my relationship with my partner or whenever I offer romantic advice - every relationship is different.

It is up to the two people to decide what works for them. This includes friendships too.

Between you and your friend who lives far away who you rarely talk to, it's how close you two decide you are. If you are both okay with only chatting during festive seasons and still consider each other really good friends the rest of the time then who am I to tell you that you are wrong?

I'm a little more needy with my best friend and get upset if she doesn't message me once every few days or doesn't have a proper conversation with me. 

(The amount of times I've been angry with her for being too busy to even say hi... Let's not go there)

In the end a relationship is between two people and it's no one else's business to decide how that relationship should work or be defined. What works for me won't work for everyone else.

[orangecat]

I am aromatic because.....I don't really know what love is.

 

I would understand that "love" in a biological family like parent-child, siblings or extend related family. There is something to hold onto so people likes or love you unconditionally.

It really bothers that why would a completely stranger would fall in love with you? Is love about sharing?...I don't really know. Or I should say it this way. I "love" everyone I met as friends. Does that mean I could form a partnership with everyone?  I can not differentiate types of love.

[Slayerin96]

I thought for a long time that "to fall in love" was an euphemistic expression for becoming sexually attracted to someone you're on good terms with and know at least to some degree.  xD

[cakeman]

I am romantic but I WANT TO STAY SINGLE. I am not willing to put any effort in someone ese or be forced to watch a 1 hour movie where I could beat like 3 more levels of Mario in the same time (I still play that)

[shocky2002]

Being in an actual relationship with them makes me sick

[cooliocool]

...I don't experience romantic attraction

...I don't have feelings of romantic love for others

...The idea of being in a romantic relationship makes me cringe

...I don't desire romance

...I'm very touch averse 

...I want to stay single for the rest of my life.
...I don't want to share a bed with someone.
...I'm not an affectionate person. 

...I cringe at romantic stuff such as romantic movies, romantic novels, romantic songs and romantic blah blah blah

[Slayerin96]

Because it's in my DNA. 

[SamwiseLovesLife]

...I get to have lots of (platonic) relationships, no drama/angst, and we don't have to waste our time kissing

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

..... Why not?

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

....because romance is meh :/

[vervain]

I have a warm and comforting fantasy about being in a relationship with someone who would be my priority and who would make me their priority.

 

I know this is a fantasy because in real life I find the slightest hint of it unbearable. 

[Guest And Peggy]

...i don't want a romantic relationship 

 

thats pretty much it xD

[Velma]

I'm aro because I don't have romantic expectations. 

 

I'm aro because I don't want another person to have romantic expectations about me.

 

I'm aro because I don't think there's an "ultimate goal" in any relationship. I just like things for what they are.

 

I get "buddy crushes" or squishes. I get them all the time. I know they aren't romantic, because romantically inclined people almost universally get disappointed in what my expectations are. They think it's shallow and unfulfilling. They want more of something I don't think exists for me to give. It ends up feeling uncomfortable and clingy for me.

 

As long as I know the other person's boundaries and they accept mine, I'm not disappointed. I don't feel sad if a touch averse person never ever wants to touch. I think romantic people expect "love" to conquer touch aversion at some point.  Romantic folk have boundaries at first, but it seems they eventually expect all those boundaries to be broken over time. (Sex is different if neither wants it.) 

 

 

 

[Velma]

On 4/16/2017 at 11:53 AM, Slayerin96 said:

I'm aromantic because I'm capable of loving people, but I never fall in love. Simple as that. 

This is my favorite one. This is the ONLY part that counts. Everything else is just a different point on the spectrums.

 

Not all aros are touch averse. I'm not. I love touch as long as we both know boundaries and don't hope for more intense stuff in the future.

 

Some want to share a bed I don't. I can't fall sleep like that.

 

Some never get intense squishes. I do. I just never fall in love or want more than they are willing to give.

 

Also not monogamous, except I only have one SERIOUS lifelong QPR. But squishing on lots of other people and platonic love different than a regular friendship? Totally fine. They are not affairs or cheating. There's no reason to be exclusive. (I'm not sure how polyamorous define in-love or romance. To me, monogamy and exclusivity seem to be a huge requirement in romantic relationships. One true love and all that.)

 

Plenty of aros want and do have long term commitments relationships. "Boston Marriage" isn't just for women anymore. I have one -- with a kid, even. It's not just room mates. We're married and love being together. Not IN love though. We have own rooms and its totally platonic. We just love having a family and hanging out as one.

 

 

[Anony-moose]

... Because the thought of having to prioritise one person over others is something I wouldn't like to do

... I enjoy privacy and don't like sharing beds

... I am unable to cuddle for more than 5 minutes (unless I'm using a lap as a pillow and the person is giving me a cafuné)

... I'm very picky with odors. If I don't like the way you smell I could never be very physically affectionate (Im not an asshole and I dont put a person's smell over their personalities or our friendship)

... I think romance is suffocating in general and I would be too detached (my biggest fear is if I ever date someone (kinda wanna try it out of curiosity) that they are clingy)

... I don't get crushes

... I would have to be close friends with them before dating but also I don't think I could ever see a close friend in a romantic way so thats a paradox

[kaseythefairy]

On 5/15/2017 at 7:18 AM, Velma said:

I'm aro because I don't have romantic expectations. 

 

I'm aro because I don't want another person to have romantic expectations about me.

 

I'm aro because I don't think there's an "ultimate goal" in any relationship. I just like things for what they are.

Yes^ 

 

I like to say, people fascinate me. Some fascinate me more than others. I show interest in many people, often all at the same time. I can see romantic gestures for what they are and be appreciative, but they also make me uncomfortable. I am often uncomfortable with being touched. I love my friends, but I don't always want to touch, sleep with, live with, or commit my life to them. I sometimes feel strongly for someone, and I sometimes feel sexual attraction for someone. I am an extrovert, sexual being, and I can be flirty. I have & will continue to have platonic sex with other people. I don't like or understand the idea of "dating" or "marriage," but I do have a person I consider a partner. He is a close friend, but he doesn't stop me from having other friends. He doesn't expect me to fulfill his needs, and I don't expect him to fulfill mine. Sometimes we hold hands, and sometimes I don't want to, so we don't. We are simply happy to know each other and cheer each other on. I am a whole person and I don't feel the need to commit my existence to another person. Frankly, I don't know what romantic love is, and I don't want to know because I am comfortable how I am. That is what aromance is to me.

[Éadweard]

Because I am. 

[Squirrelylovessquirrels]

*this post was deleted*

[asexualannie1993]

I'm Aromantic because....

- I don't get the idea with being infatuated with someone to the point of not being able to live without them. 

-I like my space

-Love to me can be explained easily through science

-I don't understand relationships or relationship problems

-Not having my alone time and having to be around someone all the time who's touchy seems really annoying to me. 

I agree with everything you said. I would rather have a cat/dog to share my big bed with

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

I'm leaning more and more towards being aro because I just don't want or need romance in my life. That seems something that's fundamentally different about me compared to my friends, family members, co-workers, or school mates back in the day. On some level, most people want romance. How they want it or in what details differs, but among almost all the people I know there is this sense of... seeking a fullfillment, not necessarily in the sense of feeling actually incomplete as a person, but in the sense that there needs to be something "more" in your life. And I don't have that about finding romance of any kind.

I feel this way about friendship. I need at least one good, close friend to feel emotionally content in my life. The type of friend to know to their core (and they know you the same way). There were periods in my life where I didn't have that type of contact and I missed it. It was a lack, a hole, some space in my life and heart that needed to be filled.

I imagine that's how my romantic friends feel when they say they miss having no romance in their lives. There's an emotional need that has to be filled in by means of romance, no friendship or family bond will do. Some of my friends say they also crave friendship when not having it, so it's maybe a separate need altogether, but the thing is that I don't have that romance need. I'm not missing anything. I don't feel like my life will be better if I find a partner. I just don't... want that, don't need that.

 

The one relationship I had started out with my not having any friends at the time at all. I was in for the companionship, the emotional closeness. I never wanted to kiss or have sex or whatever.

 

The idea of being in a relationship makes me uncomfortable. Like, it seems so restricting. Like, I will be forced to spend more time with that person than with other friends, I will probably be expected to want to share a living space with them... I don't want to share my living space. It sounds awfully selfish, but I want my living space to myself (outside of visiting friends/family). I don't want to share a bed, I don't want to be required to inform someone when I spontaneously decide to go out. The idea of staying single all my life sounds great to me.

 

Ultimately, it's not the lack of crushes or fuzzy feelings (I have very warm fuzzy feelings for family and friends) that's swaying me towards the aro identify, but the fact that I find the idea of life without romance more appealing than the theory (not to mention the reality) of life with it. I'm more and more sure it has nothing to do with "finding the right person" or anything of the sort. It has to do with knowing deep down that you don't need to be looking for any such "right person", because you have all the friends and awesome siblings, cousins and parents you need and there's no hole in your life that would need filling.

 

[Kaikat]

On 4/8/2017 at 7:45 AM, argar said:

This conversation reminded me of this video.

 

For the most part, I agree with some of it's points.

 

I really hope it adds something to this discussion.

 

https://youtu.be/jltM5qYn25w

 

Haha im super late in this thread but I just wanted to express my appreciation for this video that was so kindly shared. I'm not considering any kind of relationship now but if I were to search out a qpp in the future I would definitely consider the points it makes  

[helana12_03]

I don't want to date

Being in a relationship feels unnatural

I'm a commitment phobic

I don't want to waste the money I don't have on some stupid relationship

Relationships aren't my thing