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irreproducible attractions


chair jockey

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chair jockey

In the calendar year 2017 I've felt attraction only twice. The first time was definitely sexual attraction, and the second time was something more complex that might or might not have had a sexual component. I'm thinking the primary difference between those two times was that the first was in-person and the second was online.

 

Both attractions were really brief. The first happened when I was in a laboratory waiting room and some woman seated three chairs to my left stood up and got in line to talk to the receptionist. I hadn't noticed her before but definitely felt sexual attraction to her standing there, to the point of a partial erection. Then some man who had been seated next to her also stood up and joined her in line, and they began talking. I lost interest and looked away. In the second case someone asserted membership in a human subpopulation with emphasis on not being distinctive within that subpopulation. I had the urge to contradict them and tell them they were more special than that, but I had never met the person before so that wasn't realistic, and I just lost interest again.

 

But what this post is about is that I later tried looking at (non-titillating) photos of women who have features similar to the woman I saw in the lab waiting room, and googled and read statements similar to the ones I had read in the second incident. I was not able to reproduce either attraction. I don't want to conclude that my attractions are just incomprehensible and will forever happen randomly whenever they just happen to feel like it, no matter how that relates to me; and therefore that I'd be irresponsible ever to expect a regular romantic or sexual partner because I would have no idea what partner to look for or what to ask them for. But to avoid having to conclude that, what can I do?

 

Thanks for all responses.

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straightouttamordor

I guess attraction is a complex neurological algorithm in the brain ?  Or the lack thereof in some of our cases ?

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Attraction and arousal are tricky to understand at times. It can depend on factors beyond how someone looks, like your hormone level or how you are feeling in general in one moment or another. Plus, we might be attracted to people not for their looks but how they hold themselves or how they walk. Humans are complex, as are their attractions.

 

It's tricky to figure out, but that's ok. You are doing the right thing to explore your feelings. I am sure the more you do, the more you will learn about yourself!

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There could also be issues with proximity and spontaneity. Those situations could have just created a perfect storm that elicited those reactions. Also I do not want to harp on your methodology, but there are far too many variables in play. For the woman in office it could have been how she smelled (either perfume or pheromones), the way she wore her outfit, or like Josie said her walk. Reducing the encounter down to physical appearance limits all the other avenues from which arousal can arise. As for the online one, in similar vein it could have been the presentation and not the substance that caught your attention.

 

Trying to understand yourself through introspection is a laudable endeavor, but try not to get lose yourself in the process. I can only speak for myself but even before I identified as asexual trying to understand my arousal was a Sisyphean venture. I still am surprised by it.    

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chair jockey
3 hours ago, BlueSaint said:

There could also be issues with proximity and spontaneity. Those situations could have just created a perfect storm that elicited those reactions. Also I do not want to harp on your methodology, but there are far too many variables in play. For the woman in office it could have been how she smelled (either perfume or pheromones), the way she wore her outfit, or like Josie said her walk. Reducing the encounter down to physical appearance limits all the other avenues from which arousal can arise. As for the online one, in similar vein it could have been the presentation and not the substance that caught your attention.

 

Trying to understand yourself through introspection is a laudable endeavor, but try not to get lose yourself in the process. I can only speak for myself but even before I identified as asexual trying to understand my arousal was a Sisyphean venture. I still am surprised by it.    

 

You make some really good points. The practical problem I face is in identifying what to look for and what to ask a currently hypothetical partner for. At age 51 or older I can't fumble around. Nobody would tolerate it.

 

There is also possible new evidence not relating to sexual attraction or attraction at all, just, as Josie put it, feelings. I need to be sure before I decide if I'm on to something there, and even then I have to keep it quiet because it would be so easy for people with bad intentions to exploit.

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  • 3 weeks later...

It may not have been anything to do with the way the woman looked that caused that reaction in you, so in that case trying to find similar looking women online would fail to illicit that reaction. Scent is a big part of attraction, and you could have been picking up pheromones in her scent that caused a sexual reaction in you, even if you couldn't actually consciously smell any scent coming from her. Some people also have sexual responses to the way someone stands or the way they hold themselves, so that's nothing actually to do with appearance, it's a sexual reaction to the way your brain is perceiving that pose (even if all that's subconscious and you don't actually notice it on a conscious level). Our bodies also can pick up if someone is a match to us genetically and would make particularly healthy children, so we can become drawn to them sexually as a result of that even if again that's entirely subconscious. Sexual attraction is certainly not restricted to appearance and reactions to the way someone looks, it's often a lot more complicated than that (regardless of how simple it may seem to the conscious mind). 

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