Teenage ace in a relationship

[im-not-too-sure]

Okay so this'll be a bit of rant so thanks in advance to anyone who reads it!!

 

So I'm pretty sure I'm asexual and I'm dating this girl. We're both 15 and I'm not sure what I should do. I asked her out before I even thought that I was ace and I'm not even sure if I actually really liked her in a romantic way. I have a feeling that I only started liking her because she likes me. It was only after the first few times we went out that I started to think that I was ace. It was basically because of this relationship that I started to realise that I was different. I don't want to tell her I'm asexual in case it's just because I'm inexperienced or I'm just a "late bloomer" or if I'm just simply wrong but at the same time I don't want her to lose interest with me because I really don't want to make a move (I'm not interested in kissing and at this point all I would be comfortable with is cuddling at the most). I feel like she expects me to make a move though, especially since she's coming over to my place next weekend while I'm home alone for 3 days. And I don't know how to explain how I feel about all this stuff because I don't want to just plainly come out about something I'm not even 100% sure about. And we've been dating for just over a month now but I've known her for 6 months. She's a super understanding person by the way.

 

I guess what I really want answers for is like does a relationship at this age need to be the slightest bit sexual (kissing and stuff)?

How do you suggest that I tell her how I feel? I would prefer to keep things super casual during that conversation btw.

 

I would love to hear everybody's thoughts and I would really appreciate some other teen perspectives since they might understand more about what is expected in relationships nowadays!

[Galactic Turtle]

33 minutes ago, im-not-too-sure said:

I asked her out before I even thought that I was ace and I'm not even sure if I actually really liked her in a romantic way. I have a feeling that I only started liking her because she likes me. 

From my recollection, most relationships around that age were very similar. Some of my friends would be into a new person every few weeks. I think at 15 the concept of dating is enticing to many just because it's something new that didn't really happen all that seriously in previous years. On TV, 15-17 seems like the prime time for that first teenage romance. I often asked my friends if they liked person A just because person A made their interest known. The answer was a shrug, they'd date for three weeks, then break up. We'd gossip about it all the way to the finish line. At that age it's really about testing the waters. I don't think it's a stretch to say most kids at 15 have no idea what they're doing when it comes to sex/romance because, like I said, it's a new thing being introduced into their lives.

 

33 minutes ago, im-not-too-sure said:

It was only after the first few times we went out that I started to think that I was ace. It was basically because of this relationship that I started to realise that I was different.

It's good to consider and it's nice to know what terms are out there to describe sexuality but given the dating climate of freshman-ish high schoolers, you might just not like this girl in any way regardless of whether you were gay, straight, bi, or ace. If she's pressuring you into doing physical things you're not comfortable with, that can make you feel "different" or "off" or "not good enough." There are also a plethora of other 15 year olds who also aren't comfortable carrying out the more physical aspects of a relationship.

 

33 minutes ago, im-not-too-sure said:

I feel like she expects me to make a move though, especially since she's coming over to my place next weekend while I'm home alone for 3 days

I think the way relationships are kind of... portrayed in life is what builds up this cloud of anxiety regarding "alone time." Like I said before, if she's been dropping hints about doing things you're not comfortable with, this is something you should bring up with her. At the same time, she might be expecting you to do something just because on TV shows in these scenarios something usually does happen. This doesn't mean that if you order a pizza and play video games all afternoon she'll hate you or want to break up with you. It's very possible that heavily physical things not occurring could make her feel happier and less anxious about spending time alone with you because those unspoken pre-programmed expectations now no longer apply to your real world real life arrangement. If anything, giving her your undivided attention I think is just as good as expressing desire if not better than taking off her clothes.

 

33 minutes ago, im-not-too-sure said:

I guess what I really want answers for is like does a relationship at this age need to be the slightest bit sexual (kissing and stuff)?

A relationship at any age doesn't need to be the slightest bit anything.  My current roommate had her first kiss at 15 while her current boyfriend lost his virginity at 15 while my friend wasn't thinking about dating at all at 15. A relationship progresses how both people want it to. Being a teenager is awkward and navigating romantic/sexual relationships is awkward. Having three days alone with this girl could be a really great chance to get to know each other better and getting to know each other doesn't have to include "kissing and stuff" at all. 

[Sutoriku]

I agree with Galactic Turtle no need for the 3 days to be about kissing and other stuff, it could be a lovely chance to find out more about her and find out if you enjoy each other's company. If she asks you about kissing you can tell her the truth - that you would prefer to get to know her and maybe cuddle instead. I would be very surprised if there is pressure for sex - 15 is so young! (Though I hated people saying that to me so I want to make it clear that I don't doubt your mental maturity but that there is all the time in the world for that sort of thing, also I know some 15 year olds do engage in it :/) 

[im-not-too-sure]

Thanks for the replies! She hasn't really made any sign of wanting anything physical but that may be because I haven't either, she's really not the type of person to initiate that kind of stuff. I guess the only reason why I feel that pressure is because I'm pretty much the only person I know who hasn't kissed someone before and one of the few people I know who haven't had sex before (and I don't think I want that to change)

[Tintinfan]

Don't worry- I haven't eather

[MostliiGhostii]

On 4/1/2017 at 2:52 PM, im-not-too-sure said:

Thanks for the replies! She hasn't really made any sign of wanting anything physical but that may be because I haven't either, she's really not the type of person to initiate that kind of stuff. I guess the only reason why I feel that pressure is because I'm pretty much the only person I know who hasn't kissed someone before and one of the few people I know who haven't had sex before (and I don't think I want that to change)

I think you're pretty okay. I understand that it is actually hard not to be so self aware of yourself in comparison with others, but what matters is that you do what you want to do. I have never been in a relationship were I felt pressure to kiss or have sex (I've never dated before), however I have felt similar feeling when comparing myself to friends or society's expectations. 

 

I know it sounds difficult, and the uncertainty sounds high, but it is okay to tell someone if you don't want to do something. You're 15 and learning what you like and are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with something, then you don't have to do it!  Plus, if she is understanding then she will respect your wishes and not really judge you for it. 

 

best of luck to you, and I hope you become comfortable with yourself.