To romantics and aromantics and everyone inbetween: what does marriage mean to you?

[Euna]

Weddings: I don't particularly enjoy weddings, and I've attended quite a few.   Too much wait time and second-hand embarrassment.  The ideal wedding would be choreographed so that everything starts on time, doesn't take too long, and the guests don't have to wait forever for cake.

 

Marriage: As a religious person, I would get married if I were ready for such a commitment.  However, being an asexual, and a pessimist to boot, makes it really unlikely to happen.

[cinary]

I'm aro-spec ace and an atheist. 

 

Marriage for me is just a paper that makes some legal stuff easier but that's it. I was never fond of it but I would participate if it was important for my partner. I'm not repulsed or something. I just don't see the point beside making my life with the other person easier in legal things. And I'm an atheist so there is no way I'd participate in any religious ceremony. 

 

I absolutely hate weddings. I don't like to dance, drink, I'm terrible at small talk and I'm  generally quite anxious about people and doesn't really like spending time with my family. But if we consider small thing with just our closet friends somewhere we would feel comfortable (just a backyard probably)  a wedding then I can do that. 

 

For me the real commitment is happening at proposal. It's the first time that you say you'd like to spend your life with someone and for me it's the only time that it really matters. I think it's nice because just because you are in a long-term relationship doesn't mean that any of you think of it as permanent. So it's nice to say that and I see proposal and saying yes and all of that as the symbol of the commitment. But I don't believe all of it is necessary and just a conversation about your future should be enough. 

 

As I said I don't really care about marriage but I probably would do that if it was very important for my partner. Just please not the traditional thing

[Zendalis]

Marriage to me means that you and your partner have decided to formalize your commitment to move through life together while (and for me this would be crucial)  still maintaining a level of autonomy within that partnership. 

 

Insofar as the "nuts-n-bolts" of it, the most obvious thing for me -as an asexual woman who was married for over ten years- is that my partner would also have to be asexual. I tried it the other way and it just became too emotionally painful (caveat: this was just my personal experience, not a generalization of asexual/sexual marriage partnerships).

I can also see myself sharing a bed with my partner...if that bed was a "California King" sized bed, because you can do the occasional cuddle thing and then move apart and have all kinds of room to stretch out too. Win/win in my book 

Hand holding, close mouth kissing and the aforementioned occasional cuddling are very important things to me in a relationship. Having said that they are also negotiable, insofar as frequency. It would depend on my partner's level of comfort (ie: is he...or possibly she...aro?)

I think that what the above begins to illustrate is also an extremely important facet of marriage: compromise. Yes, compromise, especially in the things that are important to one partner, but might not be the other's "cup of tea". Case in point: I love sword and sorcery books, D & D, GURPS (tabletop role playing games). My hypothetical partner loves comics, cosplay, comic cons. If I don't/can't get into that, do I have the right to deny my partner's desire and need to go an enjoy such pursuits? Well, no..and vice versa. On the other hand, if I am a clean person and my partner wants to live in a proverbial pig pen...well, then yes, I have the right to put my foot down. Its about compromise -and knowing what one will not compromise on- within such a partnership. These examples seem trivial, but the seemingly trivial aspects of marriage are as important as the big issues.

 

Ultimately, I think that marriage can be a place of sanctuary for two (or more?) people. A buffer to ease into old age, a tonic against feeling isolation, a way to deeply share the magical moments that happen every day...and it can pretty fun too (tax preparation time notwithstanding  )

[Sylvastor]

On 1.4.2017 at 9:38 PM, YamiCake said:

Weddings are fine though I dont know if I'd want one or not. 

If I ever did have one Id want it to be small, hell I may even elope. Just get it done quietly and maybe have a couple close friends and family know that it happened. (plus, I hate dressing fancy.)

At the same time though I'd probably be fine not getting married at all. It's such a hassle... Plus Id hope I wouldn't need this big fancy day just to know that the other person cared. 

So yeah I dunno I guess I could go either way. 

I'm starting to consider just making it a habit to quote you because often you're posting what I want to type anyway… But I'm not that lazy. Yet.

 

To add to this: It can be romantic (I consider the whole concept of officially dedicating someone's life to your love to be romantic), but I'd hate a big scale event too and those seem to be a trend these days (at least from what I see in media it seems to be the ultimate goal to many…).

 

Simplistic, small, no super-fancy clothes that are so full of details or so shiny and artful that they remind of the greebled surfaces of the Michael Bay-Transformers. A simple dress and casual tuxedo would likely be more than enough to seem "formal enough" to me and feel better (and probably more comfortable) in a way. I'd hate to see the clothes rot away afterwards, but if they can be reused: Fantastic!

That would be all I would need. I don't want excess – at all.

 

Ideally I'd want a wedding to be just an optional "cherry on the cake"-type of thing with another person, not a necessity.

Spoiler

Besides I'd probably fail miserably at the proposal to begin with.

 

On 31.3.2017 at 5:05 AM, nataliemae said:

It means I get to possess someone's soul for all of eternity.

This is a good argument.

 

This and the tax stuff (although I've heard there are considerations to get rid of it so…).

 

Apart from that I'd need someone I love in the first place. No love, no marriage.

And for marriage it has to feel right enough.

 

[YamiCake]

1 minute ago, Sylvastor said:

I'm starting to consider just making it a habit to quote you because often you're posting what I want to type anyway… But I'm not that lazy. Yet.

hahahaha whatever works.

 

2 minutes ago, Sylvastor said:

Simplistic, small, no super-fancy clothes that are so full of details or so shiny and artful that they remind of the greebled surfaces of the Michael Bay-Transformers. A simple dress and casual tuxedo would likely be more than enough to seem "formal enough" to me and feel better (and probably more comfortable) in a way. I'd hate to see the clothes rot away afterwards, but if they can be reused: Fantastic!

That would be all I would need. I don't want excess – at all.

The transformers comment made me laugh. Totally agree though xD

[malickathetato]

Being with someone you trust with your whole being. Being with someone who helps make you, a better you. I don't think you have to marry someone because of that. I don't like the idea of being married. You can be with someone forever and never get married. To me it doesn't mean anything.  

[Lorna81]

On 30/03/2017 at 11:01 PM, Dew the Drop said:

What is marriage to you? How about weddings? Are they romantic? What aspects of them are romantic to you? How?

 

I am very lost on my romantic orientation, I don't think I've ever felt romantic attraction because I've never had the butterflies or warm-fuzzies or giddiness my friends describe and I have never had any desire to kiss someone or even hold hands. Up until about two months ago I thought these were crushes but now I'm realizing that they were probably squishes because I just viewed them as a "superfriend" and nothing else... And this pretty much fits the definition of a QPR. I wanted to be best friends with the person, but in a slightly different way... it's hard to explain, but I'm realizing that there were never any romantic feelings. Okie dokie.

 

There doesn't seem to be a lot of talk about this, so here we go. I assume romance repulsed and romance positive aros think differently here, but all answers are greatly appreciated.

 

Personally, I see getting married (as in going to a courthouse and signing the papers) as a sort of ceremonial bonding and saying "Aww, I love you (platonically) and now you're stuck with me for life" and nothing exactly romantic. A wedding (as in walking down the aisle) would be a different story, though, they seem a bit too intimate for my tastes. I'm wondering if there are any aros that feel the same way about marriage? (This is all hypothetical.) Thanks for reading/answering!

Marriage/weddings to me could only mean one thing - run!

 

I recently discovered a word for my romantic orientation - platoniromantic, which refers to someone who only wants queerplatonic relationships. Similarly to you, I've mistaken squishes for crushes in the past... and this has led to me getting into relationships with romantic and sexual people that don't work. I've only every desired deep friendships - anything along the lines of typical romance between partners - physical intimacy, co-habiting, marriage, has always felt really uncomfortable. I personally can't see marriage in a purely platonic way.

[aeimquy159]

Marriage is asking someone to take your freedom. Remember the days when you wished you were an adult so you could sleep all weekend, eat ice cream for dinner, and play with your friends past curfew? Who knew that you would voluntarily give all that up to go back to being treated like a kid someday. It's kind of a kick in the crotch to kid you.

 

My friends in 1990

Me: "Want to come over tonight and hang out?"

Friend: "I don't know, I have to ask my parents."

 

My friends in 2017

Me: "Want to come over tonight and hand out?"

Friend: "I don't know, I have to ask my partner."

 

I've called my friend's partners to ask if my friends could come out and play. Their partners were not amused.

 

Weddings are boring, I'm happy for who's getting married, better them than me. If you can't tell already I'm aromantic. 

[borkfork]

I'll never forget my dad telling me that marriage is work. My parents have one of the healthier marriages I've observed. They're partners, not "man and wife."

 

Most people I know around my age who have gotten married did so because of accidental pregnancy. They eventually disappear for a few years, or forever, depending on if they get divorced or if there's more kids, or who gets custody. The people who don't have shotgun weddings may or may not disappear. It depends on how codependent/insane the person they marry.

 

I just want an equal partner. Trust, care, respect, love. Someone who complements me and makes up where I fall short. I'm childfree so basically someone who wants to raise a few dogs and travel. Any relationship that encroached on my feeling like my own person never lasted long. I don't care about weddings or rings. As long as I invite my family to the courthouse I think they can't get mad at me.  

[Arctangent]

I'm polyamorous and probably sexual. I'd say I'm a romantic with aromantic sensibilities. I like my significant relationships to work more like intimate friendships rather than conventional romantic partnership. Sex is optional. Cohabitation and marriage aren't really my thing. Marriage, to me, is basically a formality to gain recognition of a partnership from the state (and all the benefits that entails). It doesn't have much symbolic significance beyond the legal/financial implications for me. I don't plan on getting married, but I might consider it if the legal and financial benefits were convincing enough. Otherwise, I'll just stick with emotionally committed relationships that don't involve marriage.

 

As for weddings, I don't mind attending them, but I probably wouldn't be willing to spend the money on having a big, extravagant ceremony for myself. I'd be more likely to have a small one (if I had one at all). I do enjoy going to other people's weddings, though. The food is usually good, and sometimes it's a nice chance to catch up with friends and family that I haven't seen in a while. Heavily religious weddings can make me a bit uncomfortable sometimes, especially when they play up traditional gender roles and act as if they are necessary to have a stable marriage.

[Casimir]

Aromantic Ace here! Hmmm marriage... I think society has raised me to associate marriage with romantic relationships. 

 

But, removing all religious and romantic connotations, I love the idea of marriage! I feel like marriage is a declaration to the world, "I love this person (platonically, romantically or otherwise) a whole lot and want to spend the rest of my life with them!!!" It's a declaration to the world to me. Like I don't need marriage to know someone loves me or to tell someone else that I love them, but like the idea of the whole world knowing. "This right here is my person!! I am their person!!! Look at how much we love each other!!" So I love weddings. Well, I like the ceremony. Well, the vows anyway. The vows hit me right in the feels. The rest of it is boring. I want a QPR and when/if I find that person(s), I think I'd like to get married. Not with a whole ceremony or anything, just signing the papers and changing our names. Ceremonies are way too much trouble and planning and money, and I don't even enjoy them. Getting eloped appeals to me more I think. But I still don't feel a compulsion or need to experience it.

 

So weddings and marriage are nice as a symbol, but I don't value them overly much and I don't really care whether I get married or not. I'd be nice to find someone I love enough and who loves me back enough to consider it, but I'm not planning on it. Cohabitation is very much a thing I'm interested in though. I want my friend/QPR person(s) to be apart of every part of my life! Just no romance or sexual things. A live-in platonic soulmate(s). Yeah, it's a lot to ask for...

 

Interesting topic! I've never really thought of it!

[Zash]

To me, marriage is just a tax write off.  And maybe help for immigration.  Can you tell I am an aro/ace?

[SamwiseLovesLife]

Grey-Aro here. The idea of marriage (if done for what I consider the right reasons) is nice, a show of commitment to another person.

 

Weddings seem a little obselete to me, anything other than the actual vow (or other) ceremony seems like an unessesary overspending of money/time. If a wedding is for commitment then the ceremony is important, some culturally more than others. A reception/after-party/etc not at all.

 

Personally If I ever want to get married I would like to have a simple vow ceremony (non-faith) outdoors somewhere with my closest friends, then go off travelling (honeymoon again not really necessary, but having a holiday seems a nice way to celebrate)

[divided_sky]

Marriage holds no value to me. I have no intention of ever getting married. I also loathe going to weddings, and would be quite the hypocrite if I invited people to come to mine.

[Chihiro]

It's just a way to get some benefits from the society, like health insurance, tax break, immigration etc.

I don't like the idea of marriage but if I have to it will be just paper work and there definitely be no wedding.

[Busrider]

Weddings: Average Americans seem to spend $30K on theirs?

Wouldn't be my personal cup of tea. - I dreamed of a secret rush job in Scotland's Vegas-substitute chapel. OK I wouldn't mind good pictures either but be content with some formals or maybe even with what gets marketed as "engagement session".

Marriage: If you get along with somebody and are either both financially stable or you feel able to support the other easily... - Fine, why not? - Divorces are quite cheap to get and since this is AVEN we are probably talking DINK so follow up costs should be extremely moderate.

Sorry if the previous paragraph sounds less committed / pessimistic. - First of all: I am single and not looking.

Attending weddings? - Hell yeah, why not? - We don't have silly dressed groomsmaids and bridesmen around here. Considering that I don't drink heavily, I am really wondering why 5 co-workers married without offering me a generous "Wanna shoot 4 food?"

[Sea Lemon]

I'm not overly fussed on marriage, but I'd probably consider it if I liked the person a lot and I thought the financial/legal benefits were worth it.

And weddings are fun if they're not too formal, and if they involve lots of cake and a free bar

[helana12_03]

Aro ace here. Commitment prison and ... commitment nooooooooooo .

[Maristine]

You have a person who you love (and there are different kinds of love), you live together, and you commit to spend your lives helping and caring for each other.

[LYL Hazel]

Marriage to me signifies a strong bond of love that stays committed to each other. Of course, not all stays like this in real life, but I'm optimistic. I'd love to get married someday and just simply have someone who'll have my back no matter the circumstances - sorta like having a best friend but with benefits (e.g. lots of hugging & sharing of the payment of water bills, etc.). I don't really want a wedding though; costs too much money.

[PHOENIX97]

On 3/30/2017 at 9:30 PM, Desilu19x said:

I don't mind marriage and weddings, but personally for me, I don't want either. I find them a bore and a waste of time. I don't really need a ceremony or a paper telling me I love said person  or feel like this made them "mine". To me, it's just simply about being together, that's all. I may be asexual, but all I know is that I do wanna have kids. To me, that's more important.

I feel the same way. 

[Slayerin96]

Aromantic woman here. Well, to me marriage is something whose purpose I can't see, and now I'm going to explain why. If the two people involved in a relationship really want it, then they will do all the things associated with commitment naturally: staying faithful to each other, sharing their life, the money, the responsibilities, everything. They don't need a piece of paper to tell them how to do it. Furthermore, the marital status doesn't make the bond between the two people, be it romantic or (queer)platonic in nature, any more or less valid. This is why I wouldn't marry, it's just a big waste of money and time :p. However, if I ever get to have a queerplatonic partner and they told me marriage meant a lot to them, I would do it for their sake since, like I said, it wouldn't change my feelings for them and the way we interact with each other at all. 

[orangecat]

Marriage to me is a commitment of taking care of each other until the end of the day. I do agree @borkfork said that marriage is "work". Two individuals bonded together to achieve something, like a goal/purpose/objective that both of them wanted...everyone contribute a little. I am not at this stage yet and I don't know will I ever be. But I think marriage is something about responsibility base on love. I could not forget someone said "The saddest things on earth is that you go into hospital surgery room alone and no one come to take care of you." Almost had a mental break down after seeing sentence like that. I believe this is the reason that marriage should exist.  (Well...beside that there also comes with legal benefits like tax reduction and citizenship...)

[Acelotl]

I honestly don't even know if I wanna get married but like to me it's just a commitment between people to be there for each other (i don't see why it has to be for the sake of romance or sex). I mean marriage has a lot of legal benefits I guess, I wouldn't mind marrying a friend (platonically, platonic marriage yo!!)  or  a zucchini to have a relationship "validated" or whatever but fuck marriage in the general sense where it's a big ass overpriced party where you bind yourself with the one™, yeah no thanks

[Ashes Floating]

To me, religious and legal marrige very different. Religious marrige is the sort of lovey-dovey commitment that other people are describing; legal marrige is two partners entering a relationship with legal benefits, even if they don't love each other romantically.

 

They're as different as pizza and pie: just because they have a nickname in common doesn't mean they're the same thing.

[LadyNobody]

Grayromantic asexual here - and low enough on the romantic scale that I barely register as romantic at all, except maybe once every three years for very brief periods.

 

I think marriage means different things to different people.  For example, some marry solely for legal benefits, ranging from tax benefits to immigration assistance.  Some marriages also exist as a sort of business contract - a sort of contractual alliance, if you will.  Yet others care little about being married in itself, and just want options to be available to their partner that are less easy for outside parties to dispute, such as the ability to make medical decisions for each other in cases of emergency (which defaults to legal relatives as far as I know; without the actual marriage, parents or other close relatives would have decision-making capabilities instead).

 

However, as far as I can tell, most marriages "for love" (a.k.a. for romantic and/or sexual purposes) have a range of completely different reasons.  First, there's the celebration aspect - people get to throw a massive party in honor of their romantic partnership (the cake alone would be enough to convince ME that this is a good idea).  Second, there's the commitment - there's a physical contract that spells out the commitment each partner makes to the other of love and loyalty.  After all, it's one thing to whisper to each other sweet nothings about how they'll be together forever and faithful to each other; it's another to sign a legal document in front of witnesses.  Third, there's the cultural aspect - while modern Western society is drifting away from the importance of marriage, traditionally in many cultures it's held as the goal of a relationship, and a romantic partnership just isn't considered secure or stable without it - and while it's all well and good for people to claim that it "doesn't matter that much" because they trust the strength of their relationship without the whole ceremony, it can be difficult to ignore an ingrained concept that one has been raised with.

 

I probably won't ever get married.  If I reach the age of 40 without changing my mind, I might find some excuse to dress up and eat wedding cake, though.  That stuff is delicious.

[sculapius]

Marriage is a good way to get tax benefits if you live in a nation that allows for it and do the math to figure out if it's worth it or not. That's about it to me.

[Elea]

I'm aro ace and I got married before I even heard those terms/definitions.

 

I'm christian and as I grew up I always assosiated marriage with finding true love (as seen in many romantic movies). I've never really believed a person to be capable of "true (romantic) love" as opposed to platonic love. Figuring out that I'm aro ace has obviously made me realise why I believed that the love that most people talk about in terms of relationships, was fantastical and unrealistic. It's made me realise that while I may never feel that way, others still might.

 

As I grew older I've come to understand marriage more as a framework for building a family. I come from a big family and my parents have always been very loving. I see marriage as a form of security in knowing that my husband and I are committed to each other and our child. It's a partnership where we can find a "safe harbour". 

 

I don't mind weddings at all. I like celebrating that friends or family have found someone who makes them happy and who they want to be committed to. 

 

For me, marriage isn't really a romantic gesture, but something practical and demonstrative. "Look: this is the person that makes me happy, and who I make happy. Look: this is who I choose to commit myself to, and this is who is committing themselves to me."

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

I'm pretty open but neutral on the topic. I think it's a beautiful sign of love and commitment but it's not really neccessary or essential for a relantionship. Some people seem to be really serious and pushing about it, just like it would be a "must" thing  to do in everyone's life but I don't agree on that attitude. 

[ResistanceFighter]

Marriage as a legal status has many benefits and although I don't want to get married, I do understand why people would want to get married.

I don't like weddings, I just think it's so awkward to deliberately kiss in front of a bunch of people, but I mean whatever, if they like it.