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Sexual Cis Male Seeking Relationship Advice/Understanding


aleksah

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I'm a sexual cis male who recently ended a 3 year relationship with an asexual, queer female. Full disclosure: Im Armenian and have family who expect certain relationship conventions.  We had sex only after dating for the first year, and have been compromising since that time (sex included). The frequency of our intimate sessions decreased to once/twice a month, until they (my ex) recently felt that it would no longer be sustainable being intimate at all (including manual and/oral play). They do like light massages, hugging, kissing, cuddling.  We've worked through many obstacles, not just sex, and have grown so much together, but this seemed so insurmountable, that I suggested we end it. Now after being apart for a month, I've realized how much more important love and togetherness is than sex, especially with someone you care for so much. They are the love of my life, in all sincerity, and I wish I could go back to the moment they told me sex wasn't an option....just so I could say, "I love you, and it's going to be fine no matter what". Instead, I was selfish.  I want to explain to them that I'd be fine without sex, so long as we could just have each other. I want to be with them, and nobody else, but I fear that they will not want to try again in order to save the amazing friendship we still share.  They fear that resentment will build and ruin it all. Long story very long, I want them to know that all I want in life is to be together, to hell with sex, and screw conventional relationships. They've been with me during the most trying difficulties of my life, and I can't just give them up....what should I do to help them understand my intentions? I don't want to make it seem like I expect sex down the road...I feel like I have one shot at this. Any help/advice would be so much appreciated, and thanks for reading my novel.

 

-Desperate

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Full disclosure: I am currently tired and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But if you approach them in written text / Multimedia: I'd recommend sending a screenshot of your question here along. I doubt that significantly better wording can be found. - Personally I'd play dumb, propose marriage and ask openly if she fancies engagement rings or whatever it takes to fend your sexuality off.

I can't predict your future. - I can only recommend going for a stress test, according to her wishes and needs to realize if you really want that instead of once again chasing your dream of her.

Best of luck!

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6 minutes ago, Busrider said:

I can't predict your future. - I can only recommend going for a stress test, according to her wishes and needs to realize if you really want that instead of once again chasing your dream of her.

Best of luck!

Firstly, thank you for your comment.  

I should have mentioned that neither of us want marriage.  Can you please clarify what you mean by my dream of them?

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Two people are never likely to know each other entirely and to like everything about each other. So there tends to be always some unvoiced hope the other might change &/ abandon this, develop that. The summary of those changes is the "dream" of the partner.

Dreams can get voiced or remain unspoken and even get drowned in alcohol. - How you deal with them barely matters. Frustration & traces of unhappiness will get sensed and trigger conflicts which again can get voiced or dealt with internally but something might escalate.

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Personally, I believe that you should tell your ex this. I don't think a month is too long to still talk to them. ;w;

Tell them how you feel, and say exactly what you've said here! [You two have grown together, don't expect sex down the road, etc]

 

Just be absolutely sure that this is what you want in the end. I mean, it's not like you'd be chained down to them forever, but if they decide to take you back - they too - will be giving you their time, yknow?

If they don't, just be the kindest friend you can to them. ;w; /

 

Good luck!

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I would consider giving it more time to think about it. I think this is a huge decision, especially if you have an "amazing friendship". Time changes a lot of things and may put things into perspective for you.

It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not place there by logic in the first place. By nature we are emotional creatures. Often we live and react based on feelings not logic. Feelings are wonderful, but when we become tied to a particular thought or belief we tend to ignore the fact that change might be necessary.

 

All the best

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30 minutes ago, .lannah. said:

I would consider giving it more time to think about it. I think this is a huge decision, especially if you have an "amazing friendship". Time changes a lot of things and may put things into perspective for you.

 

See, initially I thought the opposite to this, I feel like if you keep waiting to bring it up (I think) the situation will get MORE difficult to talk about.

 

Maybe test the waters first? 

 

Sorry I can't offer more concrete advice. I've only ever been in one relationship (which I'm currently still in).

And personally I believe in never looking back no matter how painful.

 

Good luck with this.

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chair jockey

This sounds like what I call the Loss Dynamic. You break up with someone and miss them so much that you'd do anything to get them back (although some people dive into another relationship on the rebound). While I don't know you, please make sure that you are not just missing having _A_ life partner as opposed to specifically _THIS_ life partner. It's very easy to be confused about that. Best of success to you.

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Busrider, thank you for clarifying. I completely agree. I know we will still continue to learn more about one another, together or not...and I fully expect some conflicts if we choose to be together as these types of relationships tend to require more patience under life pressures, etc. than most. 

 

Raichuu, thank you for your encouraging response, and for reminding me that I need to temper my expectations.

 

Lannah, call me stubborn and thick-headed, but I really do want this. I've had many long-term relationships with sexual women, and I've realized that emotions tied to sex have kept me in those relationships longer than was healthy.  It was always a drive I had for sex and closeness which kept me wanting those relationships.  This is my first real love in many ways, but most importantly, it's this love that taught me how to be truly empathetic and understanding. I feel that my heart and mind have openness and breadth now from what I've learned in this relationship. I will think about what you said, and try to apply it, thank you.

 

Urcute08, thank you for replying. I also believe that talking about it sooner rather than later will help, but I may take a few more days to really think this through.

 

Chair Jockey, thank you for responding. I've had much loss in my life, close family included, and I understand what you mean.  Honestly, there is a part of me that recognizes restarting the relationship would be an easy fix to all this pain, and that this decision may bring about relief from my grieving.  However, I know that if this doesn't work out, I will find someone else. At risk of sounding arrogant, I know I will always be able to find a life partner, and I don't fear a lack of that kind of relationship.  I want so much more than I can describe to continue growing with and loving this person for the forseeable future. It is specific to the unique qualities they have and happiness they give me just being with them which drive my love.  I don't want to write yet another novel, but they have so many qualities (outside of sex, of course) which liven my soul and excite me on a daily basis. They push me to be a better person because they care and love me for everything I am, as I do them.  You seem wise and I respect your response, truly. I just know, and I don't exactly know how, but I know, that  this person has to play a large role in my life, and I in theirs so that we can enrich each other.  

 

Again, all of your responses are taken to heart. I will think carefully on this using your help.

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