Should I tell him I love him?

[Backcountrygal]

About 5 years ago I met the man of my dreams. At age 40, with a failed marriage behind me and many relationships with unambitious, unmotivated men, I finally met someone who fit like a glove. Our connection is so intense that people assume we're a couple (he doesn't notice this), no one can get a word in edgewise when we converse, we laugh and cry and talk about (almost) EVERYTHING. I only get to see this lovely man once a year for several weeks, so although we stay in touch regularly, it took a few years to finally ask him "what gives?" We spend every possible moment together, snuggle awkwardly, and clearly (I thought) are crazy about each other.  

I was the first and remain the only person he has told about his lifelong asexuality. It blew my mind at first, but thanks to AVENS I have learned a lot. Unfortunately, he is very shy about it and doesn't want to talk about it much.

Learnig about his asexuality has changed my life. I never thought of it as an option, I just stupidly assumed everyone wants to have sex. I am so deeply in love with him that I cannot imagine being sexual with another man, so I have abstained for these 5 years. I have come to realize that I don't need to have sex in my life. But I do need him in my life. And I want it to be more than friendship, but I am afraid that telling him that would scare him away. Whenever I ask him if he ever desires to be in a close relationship he replies, "I could never do that to someone."

Next month he is having a huge 40th birthday bash. (Don't worry, I'm smart enough to know that is not the time to tell him!) I will meet his whole family and all his friends (I only know a few of them). In the past, his friends and mine have asked me why we're not a couple, and why I don't just tell him I love him, as it's something I can't hide no matter how hard I try. His mother, brother, sister, and friends are constantly harping on him to find a partner and settle down, he tells them "who could love me?" Well now they are going to see who, even though he can't see it. I'm so afraid that they are all going to know I'm in love with him and turn things into an uncomfortable situation.

So my questions are: should I not go to the party, even though it means the world to him (and to me) to avoid a possible situation? And: should I keep my feelings a secret to protect our friendship or tell him that I love him and would like to pursue a relationship (at his will, of course)? I have already given up sex for him and I'm willing to abstain the rest of my life just to be able to spend every day with him. Should he know or should I let sleeping dogs lie and just enjoy what we have, knowing I will likely never love another?

[Guest]

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[AceTrainerSasha]

 

1 hour ago, nataliemae said:

I just teared up a little when I read "I could never do that to someone."

(Me too, oh my goodness).


I can certainly appreciate the difficult situation you find yourself in, especially when you're trying to be considerate of everyone's feelings.

 

When he says "I could never do that to someone", it sounds like he has some deeply ingrained ideas about his asexuality being an imposition or a burden on other people. He may feel his asexuality would mean depriving potential partners of something they need to be happy. Asexual people often see sex as this obscure, amorphous, confusing thing that can make or break relationships, and that if we don't do it we can't make or partners happy, and our partners will grow to resent us and eventually leave us. There's a lot to unpack. If you do decide to tell him, it will be very important to address these ideas. They are often a source of insecurity, inferiority, or fear for asexual folks. It will be important to stress that you love him for who he is, and not 'in spite of' who he is. Make it clear that you care for him as a person, and that you love that he makes you feel valued, treasured, and safe, and that you want to do the same for him. It will mean being very honest and very vulnerable, and that can be utterly terrifying. It'll be those kinds of feelings, in that magnitude, that can compete with defenses that manifest as tall, thick walls. He will need to hear that from you. If he feels the same way about you, he might need to hear those things, to know that his asexuality doesn't mean he can't love someone as much as anyone else, or that he's somehow not worthy of being loved in the same way.

I know you're worried about potentially ruining the relationship. A lot of that tension can come from these thoughts about the relationship being irrevocably changed-- which is true, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. The relationship will be different once this is out in the open, but it doesn't have to crash and burn. (If this applies:) Make it clear that you want to be friends, and that you value the relationship you have now; friendship isn't a consolation prize. This may help to ease these feelings of tension. That being said...

It can be hard to be friends after confessing your feelings and not having them returned. You can't control how you feel in that situation, and that's totally okay. If things don't go well, you will feel hurt, and that's valid. That doesn't mean you're not understanding or compassionate. If you don't think you can be friends if it doesn't work out, then it won't be good to tell him otherwise.

 

Ultimately, only you can decide whether or not you tell him how you feel. If the feeling isn't mutual, or if there are reasons he doesn't feel like he can enter into in a romantic relationship, it will hurt. It may hurt a lot. Time will help. In any case, it sounds like the two of you are really close; I get the sense that time and honest communication would prevent the relationship from breaking down completely, and that the two of you would be stronger for it.

(My apologies for the ramblings-- it sounds like a really tricky situation. I hope it works out for you both.)



 

[nanogretchen4]

I think you should tell him how you feel. If you know about his asexuality and you still want to be with him enough to have abstained from sex for five years even though you aren't a couple, you clearly know exactly what you are getting into. If you keep quiet you remain in limbo and get the main drawback of a committed mixed relationship with few of the benefits. You should take the risk and either find a way to have a full time relationship instead of seeing him only once a year, or accept that it is not going to happen and give someone else a chance.

[Tarfeather]

9 hours ago, Backcountrygal said:

I have come to realize that I don't need to have sex in my life. But I do need him in my life.

I think that's very cute.

 

Not much advice to give, unfortunately. Personally, I prefer to be completely in the open about these things, but there have been friendships that have shattered because of this. To me, that's worth it, but it might not be to you.

[Lucinda]

I would suggest definitely going to the party and playing it by ear.

 

Lucinda

[Tyke]

If you don't tell him now or later, you'll always regret it. If you do tell him and it spooks him out and (ultimately) leads to the end of your friendship as it is now, you'll regret it (of course!) but not for the rest of your life.

 

There's a lot of good advice in the posts above in the how and when, but that's my take on the 'should I?'.

 

Whichever way you go, good luck! As an asexual myself, I wish I could find someone like you!