Nervous about coming out

[UncreativeAce]

     Some background information: I'm a female 22 years old and I found out I was ace about a year ago, maybe a bit longer. The day I found out about asexuals, I instantly knew that I was one. All I remember feeling was a a sense of clarity and of drowning in relief, as I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I finally understood that part about myself. That very same day I told my boyfriend of almost three years, and it was a disaster. You see, we met, fell in love with each other, and started dating over one summer and got together three months after he went back to study abroad. Our first two years together we did long distance while he finished his university studies. We had sex whenever we saw each other, but it was every few months and he only visited for a couple of days. I was never really into it, but I did it to make him happy and to satisfy him. Making him happy made me happy, and it wasn't frequent so it wasn't that bad. So, midway through our second year together he graduates and move back into our hometown and after some months I realize Im ace and tell him. In his defense, I don't think I was properly equipped to explain to him the situation (I got really nervous at the start and then I started sugar-coating things because I couldn't bare to see the crushed look on his face). Anyway, he quickly shuts down, thinks that I find him unattractive, and by the end of it he insists that I'm confused and that somehow the answer is having sex more frequently. During our disastrous conversation I felt so ashamed of myself, so embarrassed and so scared for our relationship that I considered the possibility of being wrong or confused and we just...dropped the subject. For months I wouldn't allow myself to think about my being asexual because it made me feel scared, ashamed and broken. Some days I would have to deliberately push the thought away, and would end up bursting into tears later that night because deep inside I knew what i was doing. I continued to bury myself in university work, but eventually I couldn't avoid it anymore. I began thinking about it again, every day becoming more and more certain. I also did a project on asexuality with someone in a human sexuality class who had revealed herself as asexual the first day of class, so talking to her about it helped me come to grips with it. Now, I feel like I've accepted what I am and I'm ready again to talk to my boyfriend.

 

     Recently, I've been really angry and disappointed at the fact that I have taken so long to tell him. We both see a future with each other and I'm willing to meet his needs (sex) every now and then like I have been doing all this time, but I know that I can't continue to entertain the thought of marrying him if I'm not honest and tell him the truth. It's not fair to continue to keep him in the dark and waste his time if he decides that it won't work out. I've given myself time to heal and strengthen my resolve, but enough is enough. I've tried to tell him a couple of times, but my heart starts pounding so hard and I think back on the day I first told him and I just back down. This time, however, I have written a letter explaining everything. I think that this way I can make sure to pace the conversation, to explain everything accurately, and there's no way I could 'sugar-coat' things upon his reaction or be persuaded to change my mind because it's all out there in the open. I wanted to tell him that I needed to talk to him about something before showing him the letter the day after I finished it, but as fate hates me his birthday is tomorrow. I thought that I'd give it to him this weekend (three days after his birthday), but do you guys think its too soon? Is it a bad idea? I can't imagine telling him these news so close to his birthday especially if he decides to celebrate on the weekend. But also there's always a reason to avoid telling him, so should I maybe just man up and do it? Because there really is no good time to tell someone that you love them but are not attracted sexually to them. I guess I'm writing this because I need one final push and maybe some support before I do this. Im really nervous that I'm going to lose my best friend, the one person who's ever cared about me, and the only person who's been able to make me happy. I can tell that he really loves me, so much, and I just can't believe that I'm about to put this incredible relationship in risk because my stupid body works differently. On the other hand, I'm ready to be over with this. Whatever happens happens and if it turns out that we won't work out, then I'll trust that it's for the best. So, if you've stayed with me through all of this, do you guys have any advice for me? I would really appreciate any feedback.