Alyssumveil Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Hello, I'll try to make this brief.A few months ago, a guy asked me out. I only came to terms with my being aromantic-asexual lately and am constantly doubting myself and wondering if I'd ever change, so I gave him a chance. I went out with him for a bit, but nothing ever sparked. So, I told him I just wanted to be friends, and he was cool with it. A few months later, he started acting strangely around me again. I didn't want to push him away, as I'd promised we could be friends, but it was obvious he wanted more and wasn't getting a hint. So, I came out to him, and once again, he acted perfectly fine with it, but later began coming onto me again. He just sent me the following texts: "Look, you know how I feel about you. And I know I can't change how you feel. I just thought that even though you couldn't feel physically attracted to me, you could feel attracted to me as a person. Because I think you are anyway." I responded, "I do really like you as a person, it's just that I do know how you feel about me and it makes me sad that I can't feel the same way. I don't want to make it seem that I'm upset at you or that I don't like you. It's all just frustration with myself." And he said this, which is where I left off, "I understand. I just want to say your my girlfriend. You don't have to feel the same way I do. I just want you to trust me and care about me. And not recoil every time I try to cop a feel Just because you don't feel like they do on TV, doesn't mean that we can't have something. You know I'm willing to be patient and understanding No matter what I'll still be your friend and support you " He keeps saying that he understands but it's obvious he doesn't and just won't back off. I don't want to be rude to him, but I just want to end this. I've been worrying about it constantly and am so uncomfortable with the situation. Oh yeah, this is my first post... hi. Thanks for any help you can offer. Link to post Share on other sites
swirl_of_blue Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Hi, and welcome to AVEN! He's being pushy and creepy. I would be rude if that's needed, because it seems not only does he not understand, he may not even be trying to understand. If you have told him off several times and he just doesn't stop, try not answering him at all. He may think you're playing hard to get since you are acknowledging his attempts (though giving him the silent treatment may lead him to the same conclusion as well), and hopefully ignoring him will lead to him getting tired of not getting any response and not even bothering to try anymore. And I sure hope the "not recoil every time I try to cop a feel" is a figure of speech he is using and not actually touching you without permission. If he's doing that it's certainly harassment! He sounds like he might turn out being very controlling, since he keeps saying things like "you could feel attracted to me as a person. Because I think you are anyway". He might also be trying to guilt you into being with him (or at least that's the feeling I get from what you are writing). If I was you, I would try to keep away from him even if I had promised friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
SithAzathoth WinterDragon Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Welcome to AVEN for the most part and secondly I'm sorry you're going through that. What you're going through is harassment that you do not need. Honestly if it was me I'd cut all ties, however he is your friend and I'll not say what you can or can not do. I hope he soon respects who you are and excepts it........ Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Hi! Welcome. He clearly does not understand what aromantic and asexual means. Sounds as if he thinks you are just being hesitant to form a romantic relationship because of you being asexual but that you'd have liked to be with him. So as if you just decided to be friends but that he could convince you down the line.....urgh. This guy might just be clueless but he does sound kind of shitty. He is going too far and assuming things, being pushy. You already said you want to be friends and nothing else. If you still want to be in contact with him (you def don't owe that to him though) I'd suggest being more firm and say something like that regardless of your sexual orientation you only see him as a friend and not in a romantic light at all. That he needs to respect that and come to terms with that friendship is the only thing you will ever be able to offer him-take it or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
DesiButters519x Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I am going through the same thing myself. I liked the guy, and I wanted so badly to try and be a “normal” girl in my 20’s, so I tried it. I started talking to him, flirting with him and even letting him hold my hand. I explained to him that my ways were unusual to others, and he said he would try to understand and that it seemed exciting for him. I told him that I am a girl who likes to be in love in order to feel a damn thing for you. (physical means nothing to me, you could be Apollo I would not care less) He claimed he understood and that he’d take things slow with me. Things went very sour when he kissed me and was all up on me when we were just in front of the door at his apartment. I hated it so much, so I avoided him for days, and he told me he was sorry and understood that I wasn’t that kind of girl. I told him the truth, that I wanted to try because I liked him, but that I didn’t feel a damn thing and that it wasn’t working for me because I wasn’t in love with him, so he claimed he understood and that he would love to be my friend. YET, he messaged me today, telling me that he could get me to fall in love with him since he stole a kiss from me, that he still has hopes for “us” I told him that he’s lucky I don’t fucking cuss him out like I do with other men, because I don’t want to be mean and hurt his feelings. But he didn’t understand, so I quickly changed my number. If I see him again I am going to have no choice but to be rude. It’s the only way you have to go with guys like this, or people like this in general. So trust me, for your own safety and sanity, I suggest you be rude. I don’t like being this way myself, but it’s the only thing you CAN do… THEY leave you no choice. I kinda hate myself, cause I use to be so crude when I was a teenager yet turned so mushy as an adult… like what happened to me? LOL! Anyways, I wish you well and I hope your safe. He sounds like a real leech. I am so sorry you have to go through that, I KNOW what you’re going through and it’s a real bitch. Excuse my language and feel free to message me anytime<3 I guess in my case, it’s my own fault for also trying to be “normal” and trying to see if I am really just “inexperienced” or not as people claim I am… I let rudeness get to me, and I will always hate myself for it. *sighs* Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I seem to have teleported into thirteenth-century Mongolia. "Copping a feel" when someone has told you not to is SEXUAL ASSAULT which is A CRIMINAL OFFENSE. That's how things work in the twenty-first century in my city. And I think I'll go back to my city instead of participating in these sorts of discussions any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Xenobot Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I see red flags planted in the ground here. Trust your instincts. This is not a relationship you want to be in. He is already showing signs of disrespecting your boundaries, so the last thing you should do is give in and reinforce the idea that if he pushes you enough he can get what he want. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 The "cop a feel" comment is VERY disturbing. Make it clear friendship is all you will allow out of this relationship. If he wants a more affectionate friend, that's something that can be discussed, but friends do not "cop a feel" or call each other girlfriend / boyfriend. Also, STOP saying it's frustration with yourself - be forward and say you are frustrated with him. If you make it out to be your problem, he will think he can fix it. Be firm, be strong. Lay out your boundaries and say you want to be friends but if he can't accept that, it is his fault and not yours. "Letting him down gently" only fuels his belief that you care more about his feelings than your own, which means he can feel free to indulge his own feelings further. A lot of people will take advantage of what they perceive as weakness - someone who doesn't stand up for themselves. It may seem easier to just try to escape the situation without confronting him, but the same situation will just keep repeating itself over and over again. You must practice facing the problem and not being afraid to hurt someone's feelings. By this point, your feelings have been hurt far more than his would be with a firm rejection. There are ways to be firm without being "rude". Something like "Hey, I liked you but you are making me frustrated by not listening to me. I said I didn't want to be your girlfriend, and that includes touching me like a girlfriend and calling me your girlfriend. I am willing to be your friend, but only if you act like a friend. That is how you earn my trust." Link to post Share on other sites
Icebearpanda Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 In the words of Maria Bamford, this guy is a "red flag factory". Talking about calling you his girlfriend and copping a feel when you have made it clear that you're not interested in him in those ways is pushy and icky. Sheesh. Boundaries. All the boundaries. Remember that friends are people who respect you, listen to you and are people you can trust- this guy does not appear to be any of those. You do not owe him friendship and you do not have to make space in your life for people who do not listen when you say no. I personally really like Paging Dr.Nerdlove when it comes to advice. Now, his columns are primarily written for geeky cis guys who need dating help, but he often has good stuff for everyone. Try giving this article on a read and see if it is at all helpful: Enforcing Boundaries. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 14 hours ago, Shieldmaiden WinterDragon said: Welcome to AVEN for the most part and secondly I'm sorry you're going through that. What you're going through is harassment that you do not need. Honestly if it was me I'd cut all ties, however he is your friend and I'll not say what you can or can not do. I hope he soon respects who you are and excepts it........ Good luck. 15 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said: Hi, and welcome to AVEN! He's being pushy and creepy. I would be rude if that's needed, because it seems not only does he not understand, he may not even be trying to understand. If you have told him off several times and he just doesn't stop, try not answering him at all. He may think you're playing hard to get since you are acknowledging his attempts (though giving him the silent treatment may lead him to the same conclusion as well), and hopefully ignoring him will lead to him getting tired of not getting any response and not even bothering to try anymore. And I sure hope the "not recoil every time I try to cop a feel" is a figure of speech he is using and not actually touching you without permission. If he's doing that it's certainly harassment! He sounds like he might turn out being very controlling, since he keeps saying things like "you could feel attracted to me as a person. Because I think you are anyway". He might also be trying to guilt you into being with him (or at least that's the feeling I get from what you are writing). If I was you, I would try to keep away from him even if I had promised friendship. Hi, thank you so much for your advice. I was blunt and told him that it wasn't going to happen, that I didn't want him touching me, and I didn't want him telling people that we were in a relationship. I also told him that this was his last chance, and if he doesn't stop, I'm not going to talk to him anymore. I just want to clarify that although the "cop a feel" comment was extremely inappropriate and nobody should ever say that to anyone unless they know for sure that they're okay with it, I think he used that phrase for lack of a better term. He has an... ehm, interesting way with words and often says things like that without fully meaning it. The most he's done to me is put his arm around me and put his hand on my knee. It's still not okay, especially considering I've told him I don't like being touched, but I just don't want to make it sound worse than it is. Thank you again Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 15 hours ago, Shieldmaiden WinterDragon said: Welcome to AVEN for the most part and secondly I'm sorry you're going through that. What you're going through is harassment that you do not need. Honestly if it was me I'd cut all ties, however he is your friend and I'll not say what you can or can not do. I hope he soon respects who you are and excepts it........ Good luck. Hello, and thank you for your advice. The problem with cutting all ties is that we go to the same school and share many of the same classes, so us interacting is sort of inevitable. I told him how I felt and tried being blunt about it, and he said he understood. I just hope he means it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
SithAzathoth WinterDragon Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 5 minutes ago, Alyssumveil said: Hi, thank you so much for your advice. I was blunt and told him that it wasn't going to happen, that I didn't want him touching me, and I didn't want him telling people that we were in a relationship. I also told him that this was his last chance, and if he doesn't stop, I'm not going to talk to him anymore. I just want to clarify that although the "cop a feel" comment was extremely inappropriate and nobody should ever say that to anyone unless they know for sure that they're okay with it, I think he used that phrase for lack of a better term. He has an... ehm, interesting way with words and often says things like that without fully meaning it. The most he's done to me is put his arm around me and put his hand on my knee. It's still not okay, especially considering I've told him I don't like being touched, but I just don't want to make it sound worse than it is. Thank you again I wish you luck after telling him that, I am not into being touched myself either, I would be blunt as well in this case. I hope he gets your point and respects it. Best of luck to you in this. Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 15 hours ago, MistySpring said: Hi! Welcome. He clearly does not understand what aromantic and asexual means. Sounds as if he thinks you are just being hesitant to form a romantic relationship because of you being asexual but that you'd have liked to be with him. So as if you just decided to be friends but that he could convince you down the line.....urgh. This guy might just be clueless but he does sound kind of shitty. He is going too far and assuming things, being pushy. You already said you want to be friends and nothing else. If you still want to be in contact with him (you def don't owe that to him though) I'd suggest being more firm and say something like that regardless of your sexual orientation you only see him as a friend and not in a romantic light at all. That he needs to respect that and come to terms with that friendship is the only thing you will ever be able to offer him-take it or leave it. Thank you for your advice, I told him how I felt and was as blunt about it as I could have been. As you said, I told him that "we" were never going to happen, and that if he wasn't just going to treat me as a friend, I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He said he understood, but at this point I'm not completely sure whether or not he meant it. Thank you again, you all are awesome ❤ Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 14 hours ago, Desilu19x said: I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I am going through the same thing myself. I liked the guy, and I wanted so badly to try and be a “normal” girl in my 20’s, so I tried it. I started talking to him, flirting with him and even letting him hold my hand. I explained to him that my ways were unusual to others, and he said he would try to understand and that it seemed exciting for him. I told him that I am a girl who likes to be in love in order to feel a damn thing for you. (physical means nothing to me, you could be Apollo I would not care less) He claimed he understood and that he’d take things slow with me. Things went very sour when he kissed me and was all up on me when we were just in front of the door at his apartment. I hated it so much, so I avoided him for days, and he told me he was sorry and understood that I wasn’t that kind of girl. I told him the truth, that I wanted to try because I liked him, but that I didn’t feel a damn thing and that it wasn’t working for me because I wasn’t in love with him, so he claimed he understood and that he would love to be my friend. YET, he messaged me today, telling me that he could get me to fall in love with him since he stole a kiss from me, that he still has hopes for “us” I told him that he’s lucky I don’t fucking cuss him out like I do with other men, because I don’t want to be mean and hurt his feelings. But he didn’t understand, so I quickly changed my number. If I see him again I am going to have no choice but to be rude. It’s the only way you have to go with guys like this, or people like this in general. So trust me, for your own safety and sanity, I suggest you be rude. I don’t like being this way myself, but it’s the only thing you CAN do… THEY leave you no choice. I kinda hate myself, cause I use to be so crude when I was a teenager yet turned so mushy as an adult… like what happened to me? LOL! Anyways, I wish you well and I hope your safe. He sounds like a real leech. I am so sorry you have to go through that, I KNOW what you’re going through and it’s a real bitch. Excuse my language and feel free to message me anytime<3 I guess in my case, it’s my own fault for also trying to be “normal” and trying to see if I am really just “inexperienced” or not as people claim I am… I let rudeness get to me, and I will always hate myself for it. *sighs* Hi, I'm so sorry you have to go through that, and I hope things get better for you. I'm glad, however, that someone is able to fully understand the position I'm in. I told him how I felt (again) and he said he understood. I guess I'll just have to see though Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 14 hours ago, chair jockey said: I seem to have teleported into thirteenth-century Mongolia. "Copping a feel" when someone has told you not to is SEXUAL ASSAULT which is A CRIMINAL OFFENSE. That's how things work in the twenty-first century in my city. And I think I'll go back to my city instead of participating in these sorts of discussions any longer. I'm so sorry if this thread brought you any form of discomfort. For the time being, it seems as if the situation has been resolved. Let's hope the world catches up with us. Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 13 hours ago, Xenobot said: I see red flags planted in the ground here. Trust your instincts. This is not a relationship you want to be in. He is already showing signs of disrespecting your boundaries, so the last thing you should do is give in and reinforce the idea that if he pushes you enough he can get what he want. Hello, and thank you for your advice. I told him how I felt and was blunt about it. I told him that if he didn't stop acting like this, I was going to have to cut all ties between us altogether. He said he understood. I'm just crossing my fingers he meant it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 13 hours ago, Memento1 said: The "cop a feel" comment is VERY disturbing. Make it clear friendship is all you will allow out of this relationship. If he wants a more affectionate friend, that's something that can be discussed, but friends do not "cop a feel" or call each other girlfriend / boyfriend. Also, STOP saying it's frustration with yourself - be forward and say you are frustrated with him. If you make it out to be your problem, he will think he can fix it. Be firm, be strong. Lay out your boundaries and say you want to be friends but if he can't accept that, it is his fault and not yours. "Letting him down gently" only fuels his belief that you care more about his feelings than your own, which means he can feel free to indulge his own feelings further. A lot of people will take advantage of what they perceive as weakness - someone who doesn't stand up for themselves. It may seem easier to just try to escape the situation without confronting him, but the same situation will just keep repeating itself over and over again. You must practice facing the problem and not being afraid to hurt someone's feelings. By this point, your feelings have been hurt far more than his would be with a firm rejection. There are ways to be firm without being "rude". Something like "Hey, I liked you but you are making me frustrated by not listening to me. I said I didn't want to be your girlfriend, and that includes touching me like a girlfriend and calling me your girlfriend. I am willing to be your friend, but only if you act like a friend. That is how you earn my trust." Thank you so much for your advice. That is basically what I told him- almost word for word, actually. He said that he understood. i just want to clarify that although the "cop a feel" comment was absolutely innapropriate and that nobody should say that to anyone unless they are sure that they are okay with it, he has a bit of a complex way of phrasing things and uses sayings that are hyperbolic or flat-out inapplicable to when speaking to just about anyone. The worst he's done is hug me, put his arm around me, and put his hand on my knee. I'm not trying to justify it, because it's undeniably wrong, especially since I told him early on that I wasn't big on people touching me. I just don't want to make things sound worse than they are. Thank you again Link to post Share on other sites
Alyssumveil Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 12 hours ago, Icebearpanda said: In the words of Maria Bamford, this guy is a "red flag factory". Talking about calling you his girlfriend and copping a feel when you have made it clear that you're not interested in him in those ways is pushy and icky. Sheesh. Boundaries. All the boundaries. Remember that friends are people who respect you, listen to you and are people you can trust- this guy does not appear to be any of those. You do not owe him friendship and you do not have to make space in your life for people who do not listen when you say no. I personally really like Paging Dr.Nerdlove when it comes to advice. Now, his columns are primarily written for geeky cis guys who need dating help, but he often has good stuff for everyone. Try giving this article on a read and see if it is at all helpful: Enforcing Boundaries. Good luck. Thank you so much for your advice. I told him I was uncomfortable with all of those things and that if he isn't going to clean up his act, I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. He said he understood, and im hoping he actually meant it this time. Thank you for the link, I will save it for future reference. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 1 hour ago, Alyssumveil said: Thank you for your advice, I told him how I felt and was as blunt about it as I could have been. As you said, I told him that "we" were never going to happen, and that if he wasn't just going to treat me as a friend, I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He said he understood, but at this point I'm not completely sure whether or not he meant it. Thank you again, you all are awesome ❤ Good on you for telling it to him bluntly like that, it's not always easy. It must be so stressful all this but I hope you can feel that you're doing great in handling it. You've done all you can do. It sounds like he just expresses himself a bit clumsily then from what you've explained in other posts but I want to stress that you don't deserve to have him disrespect you anymore. I truly hope it gets through to him now. I wish you the best of luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
SamwiseLovesLife Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 17 hours ago, Alyssumveil said: And not recoil every time I try to cop a feel No, no and NO. This literally made me shudder. I am frankly appalled he would say this to you, especially when trying to win you over. So proud that you are being so honest with him, he should take no for an answer Link to post Share on other sites
DesiButters519x Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 7 hours ago, Alyssumveil said: Hi, I'm so sorry you have to go through that, and I hope things get better for you. I'm glad, however, that someone is able to fully understand the position I'm in. I told him how I felt (again) and he said he understood. I guess I'll just have to see though Thank you so much, same goes to you again my dear. I am just trying to move on from this because i am feeling pretty down on it. Oh I more than do. I HOPE HE DOES TOO FOR YOUR SAKE. Please stay safe though, I don't know WHY some people can't take no for an answer. It's like they WANT to get hurt you know? Anyways, if you want let us know if anything else happens! I will be here for you<3 Link to post Share on other sites
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