Depression and anxiety after sex

[Username_2017]

So just quickly I came on this site thinking I was asexual and it turns out I am not. I now know that I feel sexual attraction and desire partnered sex. 

 

I have just started a relationship and it's great, sexually attracted to each other, love the same things generally just enjoy hanging out with each other watching TV, cooking etc

 

However, I feel so anxious and depressed the day after we have sex!! I know he masturbates a lot and watches a lot of porn (nothing wrong with this) he is very sexual and turns out I am too.. But to a point.. After what feels like hours trying to make him climax I have lost any enjoyment. I am starting to dread having sex, my libido is up for it but my brain and heart just feel disheartened

 

Any advice? I really want this to work 

[Puck]

I think the best thing do do in such situations is to communicate with your partner your issues. Perhaps you are feeling pressure to perform, which in turn makes you feel inadequate, depressed, and anxious about the whole situation. Bringing this up with your partner can alleviate some of these feelings as you will understand what they are expecting and perhaps even that you had nothing to worry about.

 

Many people masturbate in addition to their partnered sex, this is completely normal and not reflecting on you as a partner in any way.

 

If communicating with him doesn't help, also consider seeing a therapist. There could be some deep seeded issues you need help working through, and finding a professional to help you through them can do you worlds of help.

 

Good luck!

[Lara Black]

Hello, Username.

It’s quite common for two people to be slightly mismatched not only in how often they want sex, but also in how long they want the process to be.

Basically, there are two ways around it: you can leave him to masturbate after the partnered stage of sex is over or you can pleasure him without being perceptive (for some people it feel much less like sex). Which will be better for you and your relationship is worth discussing with your partner.

[nanogretchen4]

You need to communicate with your partner. If it takes a really long time for him to climax the solution may be as simple as agreeing that he does not have to finish a certain way, for example PiV. It may be that he is actually having difficulty finishing that way and he may even have performance anxiety about it. If you are able to relax and have a calm conversation about what is actually going on during sex from each of your points of view, you can likely work out a compromise that is less stressful for both of you. If he has no difficulty reaching orgasm when he masturbates, maybe more of that should be incorporated into your sex life. Start with what you already know will work and build on that.

 

As far as feeling depressed and anxious the following day, some people have a kind of hangover after orgasm. Their brain chemistry has a bad interaction with chemicals released during orgasm. In some cases antidepressants help with this, although it's probably not worth it unless you are prone to depression and anxiety anyway. If that's what is going on you should notice the hangover effect whenever you have an orgasm, not just if it's with your boyfriend.

[MrDane]

@Username_2017 (tmi warning) I think it means risk of sex in words!?

 

I am working towards finding a good way to have a sexual encounter with my asexual wife, who is ok with occasional sex by a schedule and usually less kissing/caressing and more mutual quickie-masturbation.

 

I am trying to think of it, as a sexual massage and sometimes she wants one and sometimes it is purely for me, but I cant reach those places on my own (I need the partnered sex for it to be a succes) I would like to introduce toys, and it could be a middleground. What if she massages me with a toy, that makes me come?  ...and perhaps she will then be more relaxed about the "normal" sex? 

 

If you get sore or your arm gets tired or your neck hurts or you just get bored, then perhaps try finding an other way  of making him sexually happy?

 

the hang-over could also be related to the fact, that rigth now, you have (loooong) moments where you want the sex to stop.

[aeimquy159]

On 3/27/2017 at 9:21 AM, Username_2017 said:

So just quickly I came on this site thinking I was asexual and it turns out I am not. I now know that I feel sexual attraction and desire partnered sex. 

 

I have just started a relationship and it's great, sexually attracted to each other, love the same things generally just enjoy hanging out with each other watching TV, cooking etc

 

However, I feel so anxious and depressed the day after we have sex!! I know he masturbates a lot and watches a lot of porn (nothing wrong with this) he is very sexual and turns out I am too.. But to a point.. After what feels like hours trying to make him climax I have lost any enjoyment. I am starting to dread having sex, my libido is up for it but my brain and heart just feel disheartened

 

Any advice? I really want this to work 

First off "After what feels like hours trying to make him climax" would make most anyone lose interest. From first hand experience I'd recommend he lay off the porn and masturbation a bit. You're more likely to climax with your partner if you're not climaxing a lot on your own. Also masturbating feel very different than intercourse so if you masturbate a lot you can start to prefer that sensation over the sensations from intercourse. This has happened to me and now intercourse arouses me as much as waiting for a bus. 

[Username_2017]

Thank you everyone, he actually brought it up before I did and said he's always had that problem and admitted it was probably because he masturbates 'too much' everything is a lot better now and I have taken the pressure off myself to make him orgasm. Funnily enough we've not had that problem since. 

 

Mr Dane, have you spoken to your wife about using toys? I think it's a great idea. Is she worried at all or under pressure to make you orgasm? I know that this was seriously hindering my enjoyment.